Educational Outcome = Parental Badge
For many parents that I meet, their child’s AP scores, college acceptances, or academic struggles are not viewed as isolated to the individual student. The way I hear it, it’s a direct reflection of parental competence. Read this clearly: this is psychological enmeshment. It creates the high intensity situation where parental self-worth is tethered entirely to educational outcomes. When a student aces an exam or enrolls at a highly selective university, the parent feels a sense of validated pride. Conversely, when (not if) a student experiences an academic failure or changes their path, the parent experiences it as a devastating personal indictment of their parenting. This dynamic warps the college educational journey. Maybe it was okay in high school, but it needs to stop the second they land on-campus. Why? Because otherwise the student’s learning process then is transformed into a high-stakes situation designed to manage parental anxiety, not to pursue their academic or career path. The focus itself on self, it’s on parental acceptance.
This matters because the pressure to succeed ultimately robs your young adult of their right to fail safely. Mind you, this is developmentally appropriate for emerging adults. In the situation where the parent views their child's academic misstep as a reflection of their own failure, an all-too-common response is to step in, micromanage, and rescue. Thus, depriving your child the opportunity to build distress tolerance, self-confidence, resilience, and executive functioning skills. You knows… all the things needed to navigate adulthood. By intervening, you have communicated to your child that you don’t trust that they can sort their situation. That, and the unspoken message is you’re embarrassed by them and are course-correcting. It’s shame-inducing.
As a parent, you’ll want to radically redefine what "successful parenting" actually looks like, especially if you were overly involved in their high school academic and college application experience. Parental efficacy is not measured by an Ivy League admission slot. The thing you can be most proud of is having raised a child who demonstrates autonomy, independence, and who can navigate life's inevitable detours. You’ve got to learn to untangle your own identity from your child’s successes. When, not if, your child struggles (in or out of the classroom) you need to be able to see a separate human being navigating a standard developmental hurdle, rather than a mirror reflecting of your own flaws. Otherwise, the psychological enmeshment will stunt their launching into adulthood.
Need help figuring this out? Work with a parent coach. If you need help finding out, I can help.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
