Addictions are Fought or Fed
The title says it all. If you truly want the addiction to starve, you have to stop feeding it. There is leverage when you’re a parent still paying for your young adult – whether it’s their apartment, food stipend, monthly allowance, car insurance, cell phone payments, college tuition, etc. An addiction will grow to take over anything and everything in it’s path – including family. The hardest thing to do is to the starve the addiction. This is how you fight it.
I’m not a parent, and I tell the parents this to parents that speak with me. That way I make sure they understand at the end of the day, I don’t have that “parent intuition” or “gut feeling” about what I am/am not comfortable doing when it comes to fighting or feeding an addiction. Of course parents want their child to be healthy and not suffering, yet when it comes down to being in the ring – some parents just cannot help themselves. What they don’t understand is the enabling behaviors (i.e. dropping everything to go to their apartment to take them to the ER, or giving them $5 to get food, or continuing to pay for their apartment even though they aren’t employed, in school, or doing anything) are what continue to feed the addiction. And although I am mainly referencing substances up to this point, what also applies are process addictions. Read: gaming or tech addiction which are increasingly becoming an issue for young adults.
In order for your child to stop gaming and isolating, you will have to set boundaries. You will have to turn off the wifi. You will have to stop giving a monthly allowance. You will have to stop dropping everything to drive up to clean their apartment while they’re in detox. You have to let them live in their situation, and if you have the ability to influence feeding or fighting their addiction – I seriously encourage you to step into the fight.
Easier said that done though, right? Totally. That’s why it’s important to lean on other parents who may have gone through similar situations, or are currently in the same situation. You need a sense of community. Others who “get it” and who will also be a support, and nonjudgmental when you go back and forth between the fighting and feeding. Let your peers support you.
If you don’t know whether your feeding the addiction or fighting against it, ask for help. Having a coach to help you in the moment is key. And then having your own therapist to process the parental guilt and fear you may be experiencing is also paramount. There’s a lot to unpack here. What you also need to know is the addiction isn’t your fault. It’s definitely in your power to help extinguish it though.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
