A Letter to Parents on "What to Expect in a Supportive Gap Program”
Dear Parent(s):
I hope this finds you well! I wanted to share a couple articles that may be a resource to you during your young adult's transition to the supportive gap program they selected. If we have only just started working together, I think you’ll find this information to be rather helping for this next step.
First and foremost, "expectations are premeditated resentments." In an effort to help you not be frustrated, irritated, dismayed, etc. (insert more emotions related to feeling disappointed and angry), I wanted to share some readings and general information about what to expect so that you don't encounter the above emotions.
There will be some ups and downs with this supportive gap program. This is how it goes with every program, and every young adult. Seeking out a “supportive” gap experience means there is some need for assistance or supplemental guidance, especially if the young adult has pre-existing mental health struggles. Nothing in life is perfect, and it’s better to be prepared for the reality of this while in a program. This is how it typically plays out once the young adult is newly enrolled in the program:
Young adult is anxious but excited about their decision. As the date draws nearer for their enrollment, the anxiety will spike.
If they make it to their destination without any travel hiccups, they are getting settled into with their peers and in a new location. Typically the communication from your young adult will be short & sweet, but painting a picture that “all is well!”
Once the dust settles and they find things they don't love about the program, the young adult and parents can start to have a sour taste in their mouth and then start second-guessing this program being the right fit (often times, I will refer a parent back to the importance of working with a parent coach so they’re learning how to let go and let their young adult work through the discomfort of their decisions).
If a young adult is not coming from home but instead was in a mental health treatment program beforehand where the parent was getting at least once weekly communication from the program staff, it’s important to note that will not be the case for communication in a gap program. Their focus in on the young adults and their experience. You may get an update once a month, if that even. Note: if an emergency happened, you’d be contacted immediately.
You, as a parent, must be okay with your young adult being uncomfortable at times. That could be because they don't get along swimmingly with their roommate, or they don’t like their trip leader, or the people around them are new to them and they haven't made friends fast enough, etc. This is a great life lesson in reflecting it back on your young adult to learn to deal with their discomfort and advocate for themselves. As long as they know this is the place they picked and it was their choice and you wouldn't be bringing them back home to live with you, they'll eventually start chugging along with the programming and really find a place for themselves within the community and within the broader town/city that they now moved to.
The first 3+ weeks tend to be the rockiest. This is usually when the dust settles for the young adult and their choice. If they view it as "being in a program" and struggle stepping out of that perspective, then it will be more painful. If they can look beyond that to seeing being in the program as a launching point to truly get out on their own, it can end up being the best place. If your young adult happens to breeze through the first 5 weeks without any issues, just make sure you’re doing your own work so when, not if, the struggle does arise, you are able to handle it with active listening, reflection, and putting the accountability on your young adult to figure out how they will manage their situation rather than trying to sooth them, or problem-solve for them.
So to the above point, there will be ups and downs throughout the entire length of stay. This is also normal, as it replicates what life is like. There will be great days, and other days will be not-so-great. Now is the opportunity for you to also learn to allow your young adult to shift their relationship with you as being adult-to-adult (or as much as possible like this!), and more of a partner in them growing up, rather than being a parent responsible for their child. Hopefully that makes sense.
Keep in mind that you vetted the program, you likely flew out with your child to drop them off, you got the necessary medical & travel insurance (for emergencies), you downloaded WhatsApp to make sure you can communicate, etc. Everything is in place. Now, it’s just up to your young adult to lean into their supportive gap experience and build the confidence they need from this trip and carry forward in their life.
As always, let me know if you have any questions. I will continue to be in touch with the transitional program staff while your young adult gets settled. Soon, I'll reach out to your young adult directly (if it’s appropriate) too! Know that you can reach out to me at any time as well!
Be well,
Joanna
*This letter is not meant to be canned or impersonal. If you feel that reading it comes across that way, please schedule a call with me. I can articulate this same messaging specific to your young adult and you so that it may be better received.