The difference between Sobriety and Recovery
Co-authored by Brennon Moore, Joanna Lilley, and Patrick Devlin
When it comes to addiction, you may hear the terms sobriety or recovery being used synonymously. And if you ask someone entering substance abuse treatment for the first time what the difference is between sobriety and recovery, they will likely not have an answer for you, or they'll just say, “they’re the same thing.” However, there is a big difference. Sobriety is at best, especially initially, just an idea. It’s a theory; an understanding of elevated liver enzymes or cognitive impairment. Sometimes it’s the shocked look of seeing one’s detox photo 30-days later. It’s learning concepts like relapse warning signs, or the different stages of readiness, or perhaps one’s denial patterns. Sobriety is often the natural aftermath of a diagnosis or a confrontation. For most, it’s a checklist of do’s and don’ts. Like this:
Do go to meetings.
Don’t hang out at the old bar or old neighborhood.
Do work with a therapist and find a sponsor.
Don’t hang out with your ex that you used cocaine with all the time, or the friend you always seem to be with when you make bad choices.
Do learn new ways of seeing yourself and the world.
Don’t get stuck in the “stinking thinking,” or any other sloganism you can think of.
When most people leave treatment, they leave with sobriety. They leave with a discharge plan and a new theory to apply to life. Recovery is taking that theory and making it a lifestyle.
If sobriety is theoretical, then recovery is truly experiential. It’s when you find your tribe; a group of fellows that you want to spend time with because they mirror a way of being that aligns with who you want to be. It’s not about avoiding people or places that are on relapse warning cards. It’s about the true connection with self and others. It’s the first time you go for a hike just to see the view from the top, rather than smoke a joint or drop LSD. Recovery is when you learn how to meditate or just go to lunch alone because you don’t mind the company that you keep with yourself. Recovery is when you choose to be sober, that act of not inviting substances in your life, not because you’re afraid of getting financially cut off or losing a relationship but because you like who you are with a clear mind and heart. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.
Below, Brennon shares an insightful story of when he fully grasped the difference between sobriety and recovery:
“I remember a clear example early in my rehab journey. We were doing an afternoon group and the focus was relapse warning cards; a cerebral exercise where you created the blueprint for potential relapse and how to identify and avoid pitfalls. I remember one card read like something like this:
Trigger- Old college friends
Feelings- Anxiety, shame/embarrassment (being sober, how I acted in the past)
Thoughts- “They won’t like me if I’m sober.” “I don’t like who I am without drugs and alcohol.”
Intervening behavior: Call sponsor or sober friends.
This all made sense to me as I sat in the overly lit conference room surrounded by white boards filled with all the different types of denial patterns and other slogans for how to avoid a bad idea. If I just remembered to watch out for these warning signs, I had a clear outline on what to do if I ever encountered trouble. I decided I’d even carry these cards in my favorite coat pocket so I’d never forget.
Three months later I was invited to a birthday party at an old college friend’s house. The anxiety, embarrassment, and shame were bigger than I could have ever imagined when I wrote them on those relapse warning cards. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin as people my age (early twenties) drank and smoked and snuck off to back rooms seemingly having the time of their lives. I felt myself shrinking. I felt myself lose my voice. I felt my voice replaced by that all too familiar critic that had been my dark passenger ever since I was molested at five, and then grew in volume incrementally from the moment I started drinking at twelve. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I just wanted to feel okay. I’ve always just wanted to feel okay. So I drank a beer. Then started taking shots. Then smoking pot. Then sneaking off to those back rooms and doing coke. I was wearing my favorite coat and never once looked at those relapse warning cards. I didn’t even think about them.
The problem was that those cards never stood a chance. I shouldn’t have even been at that party and I knew it. I was invited three weeks earlier and ruminated about it daily and never told a soul. Rehab was great. It was like another college course I had taken. The information all made sense to me and I even liked the majority of it. However, after seven years of college I had really liked history classes and never became a historian. I loved astronomy but never became an astronaut, and even really liked a physics class I once took on the theory of sound waves and music and yet I hadn’t played an instrument since junior high. I went to rehab and never walked out as a sober young man in recovery. It was just some good information that I had gotten. I merely walked out sober, and yet passed with a gold star.
Recovery was finding a tribe. It was the moment when I realized I no longer needed to go to parties where people looked through me with dilated pupils and probably never even wondered where I had gone when I disappeared to treatment for months on end. Recovery was connection; a connection to other young people that listened when I talked, cared when I struggled, and showed up when I needed them to. Recovery was a broader definition of who I was as a person, and the problem was that I didn’t know who I was. Recovery was the process of figuring that out.
Brennon’s story is all-too-common for the post-rehab high (no pun intended) that young adults walk away with. This notion that they’re filled with all the tools they need to stay clean and “just say no.” When it comes down to it, it’s not a matter of if, but when, they will be tested and only those who are in recovery will pass. Sobriety alone doesn’t stand a chance.
Patrick also shared a bit of his personal experience, and thoughts on the difference between sobriety and recovery:
“I know for me as a person who got clean and sober at age 20 years old, I had no idea what it took to have my life be different; not to mention every being truly happy, feeling comfortable in my own skin, or a lasting sobriety. It turns out that it took everything.
When I started going to treatment one of the things that I was the most afraid of was that I would have to become a boring and brainwashed person and that I would lose myself. Paradoxically it required me to become more myself. This is the key difference for me between sobriety and recovery. Sobriety is the checklist that is required in the beginning of the journey to just put those first few steps together. The only way for it to transform your life and find the other gifts of peace, security, growth, and inspiration is through creating your own individual recovery path that is unique only to you.”
SAMSHA defines recovery as a
“A process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential.”
By this definition everyone’s picture of health and wellness is going to look different. An important thing to note here is that nowhere in this definition of health and recovery does it say anything about drugs, alcohol, self-harm, or eating disorders, it is ultimately about a lifestyle of authenticity, accountability and connection. Sobriety is about handing someone a fish and recovery is about teaching them how to fish. If that quote doesn’t sound familiar, go ahead and read it so you can say you’re familiar.
There is a term called “bio-individuality” that comes from nutritional therapy that basically says that everyone’s microbiome and digestive system processes things differently and it is a myth that there is some kind of perfect diet out there. Really everyone has their own “perfect diet” that comes from their genetics, part of the world they live in, exercise, etc. It’s the same with our individual paths of recovery. You have to find what makes you your best self.
The way to do this is through creating your own recovery definition and it needs to address every part of the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model of the self. Patrick’s recovery definition for example is total abstinence from drugs and alcohol (12 years), attending some 12-step meetings, working with a sponsor, regular individual therapy, yoga, running, and nature based ceremonies that include fasting and time alone in the wilderness. It is important to remember that your recovery path is always changing! What worked for him to lead the best and fullest version of his life at 22 years old with 2 years sober does not work at 33 years old and almost 13 years.
To strive solely for sobriety is cutting your nose off despite your face. It’s only a matter of time before you find yourself in a situation like Brennon from his story above. Dealing with the tidal wave of emotions that comes with the growing voice of your inner critic. Recovery is letting go, and looking within. It’s about growing into who you are meant to be, not wearing the mask to fit in with the people you are hiding with and from. If you have a loved one who is struggling with addiction, remember it’s not just about going to rehab and getting sober. Recovery is a journey, and being sober is only just the beginning.
For questions or comments contact:
Brennon Moore via email.
Patrick Devlin via email.
