Wow, Cool, Bummer, Ouch!
Memorize this. You’ll want to remember it and have it at-the-ready when the time comes. It’s not a matter of it, but when. I take no credit for this either, as a therapist once shared this with me and I was so smitten by the simplicity, I knew I had to write about it one day.
Parents are often reaching out to me for coaching. I try to do my best to not get pulled into the parent coaching role. Yes, I want to be approachable and help parents, but there’s also a line drawn in the sand of what is the role of the “consultant” and what is better served for a specific professional (read: parent coach) who can help guide the parents more clearly and effectively with proactive ways to communicate with a loved one. If you’re the type of parent that’s hellbent on not working with a parent coach, but you are still wanting guidance on how to prepare for communicating with your loved one when they step-down into a transitional program, then you need to familiarize yourself with these four words.
These are the only responses you’re allowed to make. Why? Because if you jump into solution-focused mode, problem-solving, or soothing for your loved one, then you have immediately brought yourself back to parenting a child, rather than you become a partner in their young adult journey.
When your young adult calls you, I always tell parents to think first: “are they asking for comfort or solutions?” Most of the time, it’s comfort. If it’s solutions when the young adult has been conditioned to know their parents will take care of every problem of theirs. So instead of diving into problem solving again, consider using one of the words in this title.
“Wow! That sounds amazing.” Period. Allow a pregnant pause of your young adult to elaborate.
“Cool! What will you do next?” Ask an open-ended question, but one that doesn’t drive the conversation in a specific direction. Let your young adult lead.
“Bummer! What are you going to do about it?” Remember – you want to put your young adult in the driver seat. You’re not solving this for them, but you can ask them how they plan to solve it for themselves.
“Ouch! That’s painful.” This one is often the hardest. You want to relieve any discomfort for your child. You need to allow them to experience their own discomfort and work through it. Otherwise, how will they ever survive when you’re gone? Seriously.
It’s easy to go back into a “fix-it” type routine, or worse, to ask questions to get to the content of what your child is telling you, rather than paying attention to the storyteller. Emotions matter. Connection matters. Active listening is the most important piece to that. It’s time for you to learn to just listen.
Let this be the beginning of your journey in switching the way you communicate with your young adult. And if the above turns out to be a heck of a lot harder than you anticipated, or you don’t understand the “why” behind doing this, then I’d encourage you to hire a parent coach for support.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
