Highly Dependent Adult Children
The expression “failure to launch” (FTL) makes most people cringe. The idea of failure can elicit so much shame, so we’re shifting away from the topic of failing to launch into adulthood, but instead talking about the growing population of highly dependent adult children. This is the textbook image of the 40+ year old living at home in the basement who may not be employed at all, resists doing chores around the house, is dependent on the parents to provide food and remind them of hygiene and doesn’t have a social network outside of a small group of people they may be chatting with online each night while gaming.
Dependency exists over time because there has not been an intentional plan in place to foster individuation towards independence. This minimally includes basic needs (food, shelter, clothing), and has expanded to real social isolation from the world. That’s how end we end up with 32 year olds who mak act developmentally like a 19 year old. Parents often ask me “how did we get to this place?” If you are asking that with a 20-year-old in the house, you’re in a better place than if you’re child has managed to make it to 30, or worse, 40. Let’s not be the frog in boiling water.
Some cultures don’t see anything wrong with multiple generations living under one roof. I personally am in support of it if each family member is independently contributing to the entire household. That include financially contributing, cooking and cleaning, doing their own laundry, making sure that they are taking care of themselves (i.e. hygiene) and not impacting others because of this, leaving the house to go to work and/or to work out. When someone is isolating in the house, blaming others for their problems, or and the family or parents feel trapped in keeping their adult child alive – this is time to course correct.
First, the parents will want to hire a parent coach to learn how to create a plan to phase out of the codependency, and phase into the individuation process. It might be uncomfortable at first, but at the end of the day no one wants to be completely dependent on someone. And as a parent, ideally, you’ll want to retire from parenting at a certain point. You want to transition from being a parent to being a partner in your young adult’s life. There is a serious fear of growing up and being self-sufficient. In a world that can be really overwhelming because of the immediate access to the world from social media, there’s more of a reason to help get your young adult to launch out of the home.
If you aren’t sure where to start, just know by stumbling on this article, you’re now on the right path to getting connected to the right resources. Start by speaking with someone first to share what’s going on, how it got to this place, and what you’re hoping to achieve. From there, you can start to understand what this process will look like for you and you can anticipate what’s to come. To be clear, I’m not assuming this young adult needs therapeutic support, or that these parents need to immediately kick their young adult out. We’re talking about a child (albeit living at home as an adult) who is dependent in all areas on their parents. That takes time and intentional to taper off. This is not meant to be a jarring process. We don’t just to ultimatums. This is an opportunity to invite the entire family to engage in a change process; a delayed transition of sorts. A true individuation of the parents and their adult child. It takes a team of professionals with a gentle approach to really help this happen with the least amount of fear or discomfort.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
