Adaptive Avoidance
This isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually a “healthy” coping mechanism to evade discomfort. Who wouldn’t want a life without adversity? This healthy coping can quickly become maladaptive, but we’ll get to that later. Not sure what this topic is even about? Let’s break it down.
I have been vocal since I started my consulting practice that I loathe the expression “failure to launch (FTL or F2L),” yet it’s still the term most parents refer to when they’re Googling resources to help their young adult still living at home. Have I written articles with this topic? Yes, but only because how else would parents find it? Another term is Highly Dependent Adult Children, but that’s a mouthful. Adaptive avoidance is just that - avoiding situations where someone may become uncomfortable or hurt. This can be totally normal. When it transitions to the stage where a parent might notice some “yellow flags” is where they’re avoiding anything, and everything. It’s escalating.
Summer is the perfect season for adaptive avoidance to spiral into maladaptive avoidance. It’s the season where it’s normalized to “take it easy,” especially if your loved one just graduated high school and/or is college-aged. It’s still acceptable to be enjoying summer. Once August rolls around and students are preparing to move on campus, start their gap experience, etc. - that’s when I see a spike in the stutter step. That’s okay to change course, as that happens all the time. Young adults who panic about not being ready for college - totally common. Not having a new plan, and/or avoiding all situations where you may not grow as a young adults, that’s when we need to ring the alarm bells.
So when does it become “maladaptive?” Essentially when it becomes excessive. This will be tremendously noticeable to you as a parent, as well as other people in the young adult’s life. It’s creating problems (i.e. losing a job, losing friendships, etc.), and it’s impeding daily functioning to the point that you as a parent are very worried. It could present like Agoraphobia or PDA, so let’s not allow it to get to this place.
If you are a parent or a friend of a parent worried about a young adult who’s either adaptively or maladaptively avoiding adulting and individuating from parents, please reach out. When it’s still in the “adaptive avoidance” phase, a coach or mentor to help get the young adult out of the house may be enough. Once it morphs into maladaptive avoidance, you can expect to need to work with clinical professionals as this may become more of a mental health intervention than not. Let’s nip this is in the bud before it gets to that point.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
