Perfect Parents, Perfect Kids
I want to be very clear in writing this blog. I do not believe I am perfect, nor do I believe anyone I know is perfect. That includes the parents that hire me, and that certainly includes the young adults I am hired to help. Striving for perfection is unhealthy. We are all human. Humans evolve, grow, stumble, and break. No one is perfect. No path in life is completely linear. There are bumps, barriers, and dead ends throughout every part of our journey. To lead others to believe that your life is sunshine and rainbows is unrealistic, and quite frankly, it sounds exhausting to manage. Didn’t that make a movie about that?
I find that the idea of perfectionism is spotlighted when it comes to the transition to adulthood. Specifically, that could be when the adult child is going off to college for the first time, returning to college after a break for treatment, or it could be the launching into the adult world for the first-time post-college graduation. These are all very tricky times for an adult child to navigate. Lots of changes, uncertainty, and anxiety. It is easy for a parent to step in and want to help make this transition look and feel smooth for their child.
Often, I hear of parenting units pressuring treatment staff to get their child to get back to school by a certain start date. Some examples I have heard over the years include:
“I hear you in that you are recommending clinically they stay another four weeks, but the college term starts in three weeks. They need to leave to go to school.”
“Of course, I believe my daughter needs to go to treatment, but I could never tell her to defer her semester. She worked too hard to earn admission.”
“The semester starts soon, and I will make sure that they see a therapist and enroll in a local IOP when they are back on campus.”
These all play out because the parent is anxious about their young adult being off-track to graduate. This also plays out in that the parent is fearful of having to explain to anyone outside of the family with their high-achieving student is not currently college bound. There is a desperation for their child to fit the post-secondary expectation the parent had created for them. Because if they do not fit the image, the parent will need to grieve the loss of who they thought their child would be and embrace who they are. Or, they are riddled with guilt in that they had promised to pay for their child to go to school and although they want to listen to the Mental Health Professionals advising them to focus on treatment first, they can’t help but want to honor their promise to their child. The fact that the promise was made during a hostage negotiation is beside the point once they are enrolled in a treatment program and now crying to their parents about going to school. And lastly, sometimes it is just because a parent has not accepted the fact that their young adult’s mental health is a priority over them being in college. They do not see the writing on the wall in that if they allow their adult child to go to college without them being completely stable, sober, and healthy, that they are throwing away a semester’s worth of tuition. For some families, it is worth the gamble. For others, it can be an extreme blow to their own ego.
As a professional, I often push back on parents. I empathize with the want them to be in college with their peers. The reality is that 30% of college students do not return after their Freshmen year. If your child is only motivated to go to college for the parties, please understand this is a bad idea. Listen to the professionals advising you in your life. We will connect you with your own individual therapist so you can work through the grief and loss of your adult child. Once you let that go, everything else will feel so much better in your life.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
