The Least amount of "Suck"
Before launching my consulting practice, and yet after I’d already left higher education, I worked for a large public school district. Right now, in the era of COVID-19, I have nothing but empathy for these large businesses. No matter the decision they make, people will not be happy. Educators, parents, and students themselves all have different options, different needs, and are not afraid to voice that disappointment right now. In all the scenarios of how to safely continue to operate “business as usual” for these systems, it’s just a matter of “which solution sucks the least.”
We all know they all suck. Sorry to those of you out there working day and night to make protocols and be safe. Your effort is not unseen. In fact, we see you, and we acknowledge all the hard work you are pouring into trying to make the best of an awful situation for thousands of people. Please know your job is nearly impossible now and yet you are crushing it. As best you can, at least.
For those of us on the outskirts watching as protocols and procedures are evolving on a daily basis, we need to take a moment to step back and remember that we could not, in fact, do it better if we were in there shoes. College Presidents and School Superintendents, we see you. You are in the burning building and we see that you are doing you are best to keep the house from complete collapse. You are working hard to keep our kids safe. So, thank you! Amidst all the boos and complaints, just remember that your job is important. You are important. And you are doing the best you can, given the situation.
We understand that every decision or option currently sucks.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Stuck
Whenever I think about being stuck, I visualize some of the thickest, deepest mud. Then I picture my shoes. I can feel the suction, and I know in the depths of my soul there is no way I will be able to wiggle myself out of this. Even though I keep trying, I can feel my foot leaving my shoe. I can see the hole where my foot was, and where my shoe still is. So stuck, that the mud is not immediately engulfing my shoe. I’m going to have to dig for it. Being this stuck is no fun.
Right now, I’m noticing a lot of young adults are extremely stuck. Paralyzed in their stuckness. It’s not a flattering image, and it certainly isn’t a good feeling for the adult. It doesn’t matter if they are in college and struggling with their academics, or whether they are feeling stuck because they deferred college and now they aren’t finding work. Stuck in moving forward with their life. Anxious with all the unknowns, and then feeling more stuck when they look to social media for comfort. Social media is anything but comforting right now. You are not alone in your stuckness!
If you are a parent trying to help your adult child get unstuck, similar to my shoe story, it may not be possible. You may need to seek help outside the home to really help them “pull themselves out.” See what I did there? In all seriousness though, being stuck is common. It’s the getting unstuck that takes time and is different for everyone. If you need help, just ask for it. You may not be able to get out alone.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Dumpster Fire(s)
If you watched the recent presidential debate, you may have heard that some news analysts referred to the event as a “dumpster fire.” This is not a political post. For the sake of this article, I am completely disinterested in your political leanings. If you did watch the debate, you could agree to it being excruciatingly painful to watch. It had little to do with the content, and more to do with the presentation. In my line of work, often I am working with adult children who are dealing with their own dumpster fires.
Now, if you are a parent and you have never heard this expression before. Let me enlighten you. According to Dictionary.com, the informal definition means:
a chaotic or disastrously mishandled situation.
"last season was a dumpster fire, and it didn't get that way overnight"
Just to be clear. This is a noun. There is a distinction of who vs. do. I am not saying that my clients themselves are dumpster fires, but rather events and situations in their lives are presenting as such. They are mishandled, chaotic, disastrous, catastrophic, destructive, unlucky, or tragic. I am referencing their college experience. Or, a recent run-in with law enforcement where they are now staring down a laundry list of felony charges. They are ruining relationships in their lives, left and right. And like the image of a dumpster that is on fire, we are a moth to the flame. We may be just sitting there, watching it burn.
My job is to help put those fires out. It’s to help parents, put those fires out. And it’s to get the young adult connected to resources that will remove the match. They can dump as much gasoline into the dumpster that is any event or category within their life, but they have no one of igniting that fire.
If you are a parent who references your adult child as being a dumpster fire, or if you believe that their life is filled with dumpster fires – please let me help you. No one wants to watch this kind of garbage (no pun intended) play out.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
When Things FALL Apart
It is not a matter of if, but when, things will fall apart. And it is not a one-and-done type situation. I hate to say it, and yet life it one giant struggle. We will have moments, days, and years where things are going swimmingly. And then we will have those same amounts of time when things just feel like they’re in the shitter. It happens to all of us. None of us are exempt. And yet some of us are more apt to deal with the struggles than others.
For me, fall is my favorite time of year. It’s also the time that so many college students struggle, and when the changing of the season alerts us to the impending winter. The limited sunlight and cooler temperatures. I love winter too, but I know the Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a real thing for some people. Again, it is okay when things start to fall apart. This is normal.
I can tell when I am struggling because I tend to be rather impatient and cynical. I am just of in that rut right now, or at least teetering on the edge of it. COVID has done a real number on folks, me included. It is hard not to travel for work. It is hard to be so removed from my family during this time of stress. It has been hard to navigate what feels like a constantly moving target. It is just exhausting. I am exhausted.
My perspective is that this is not forever. We will be able to travel freely again. I will be again to hug my friends and family soon. I am digging deep to acknowledge and affirm that this rut is only temporary. Of course, that temporary could be for months, or years at this rate, but it will end at some point. For the people who do not like this think this will end, they are the ones who will struggle the most. They are the ones who may not be okay. They will believe our current situation is forever; permanent. They will not want to exist in this space. For me, that is a harsh reality.
In a world where we were already on social media too much, now because of COVID it’s ten-fold. We are seeing others who are trying out new hobbies and smiling in quarantine. Meanwhile, we may be miserable, sick, or beyond anxious. My favorite quote right now rings so true to where everyone is in the world:
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Stop comparing where you are – physically, academically, socially, emotionally – to others; especially right now during COVID! Take care of yourself. Know that everyone is wrestling with doubts and fear of the unknown, no matter how glamorous they are playing out their lives on social media to be. The struggle is real. We are all in it. And right now, things are still falling apart. They can continue to do that and know that at some point we’ll be able to put the pieces back together. It may be tomorrow, or it may be in two years. Hang in there.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Top 5 Things Lilley Consulting Doesn't Do
The title “Educational Consultant,” “Therapeutic Consultant,” or “Therapeutic Placement Specialist” all still are not completely spot-on with the work that I do. During inquiry calls I often find myself explaining to families the work I do, and how I may be of service to them. Sometimes they are shocked by what I do, and sometimes they are shocked by what I do not do. For me, I know I cannot do it all. So, I try to focus narrowly on what I can do and do that well.
Below are the top 5 things I am often telling families that I do not do. My hopes is that if you happen to stumble upon my website before reaching out to me, this may clear up some of your confusion before you reach out.
I do not work with adolescents. Although I will take the occasional 17 year-10-month old because we are most likely looking ahead to young adult treatment programs. But no, I do not work with a 12, 14, or 16-year-old. If you are calling me to inquire about my service, I will refer you to several professionals that I know personally that do excellent work helping families of adolescents. The typical age of the clients I most often work with are between the ages of 18 - 30, and sometimes older.
I do not do college placements. Although most of my clients are college-aged, and college-interrupted, I do not actually help with college searches, or transfer applications. I leave that to the College Consulting professionals! The closest I get to this is sharing an article of “Questions to ask a Collegiate Recovery Program” for my clients that are exploring moving into extended care placements. If a client of mine is dead set on transferring, I will specifically refer them to a College Consultant I have vetted and trust. Knowing my clients have a checkered academic past, it is important for them to work with professionals who are non-judgmental and understand the importance of taking a break from college to seek mental health or substance abuse treatment. Want to know who I refer to? Ask me.
I do not know resources available for those on Medicaid or no insurance plans. Most, if not all, of the treatment programs I refer to do not accept Medicaid. Beyond that, most programs I work with are not in-network with insurance, so the family would need to be able to pay for treatment and then seek reimbursement. In truth, I will not be able to help you if you have Medicaid. If this is the type of insurance you have, you will want to seek out resources within your local community or state. In fact, there are even some professionals who do what I do, but only for clients with Medicaid.
I do not do parenting coaching. Although I can predict a lot of how your young adult will react, and specifically encourage you to say/do certain things at certain times, that is truly not the hat I wear. The hat I wear is helping you get your young adult into treatment, and being able to recommend the best fitting placements for their needs. Once they enroll, them I transition to more of a case manager role by staying in touch with the clinical team to ensure that, in the end, it is where the young adult client needs to be. If you are wanting parent coaching, I can make a recommendation. Contact me and I’ll tell you who I refer my families to.
I do not do interventions. I do not facilitate them, nor do I attend them for my families. Interventions are meant to be facilitated by trained professionals. I am not a trained interventionist. And, to have an intervention, only people closest to the client that needs to the intervention, are the ones that need to be present. My role is to help connect a family with the most appropriate interventionist. Does your loved one struggling with substance abuse? I can make a recommendation! Does your loved one struggle with psychosis and have no substance use history? I can make a recommendation for a “Mental health Interventionist.” Believe me, they exist! Either way, this is not something I do, but I am happy to connect you to a professional to get this done.
None of this will change. I will not become a Parent Coach. I will not become trained to be an Interventionist. I have no intention of ever working with adolescents. I will continue to only stay in the lane of working with adults! I will continue to refer families to College Consultants, as that is not my area of expertise. And lastly, I could not pretend to become familiar with all the treatment programs that accept Medicaid. I would be a Master of Quantity, not quality in terms of treatment program knowledge. That is not what I’m going for.
If you have a young adult that needs a therapeutic placements, I am your gal.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Eleanor Rigby
Are you feeling socially distant from others? Are you feeling lonely? I sure am. Even though I am naturally an introvert, my cup is currently empty. Bone dry to be exact. I am chomping at the bit to be more socially engaged, connected, and travel regularly (again). The million-dollar question is, when will that happen?
In listening to the Beatle’s song, it is bringing me a moment of solace and reassurance in a world of loneliness. I know I am not alone.
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?Ah, look at all the lonely people
I cannot imagine that John, Paul, George, and Ringo were predicting the COVID-19 pandemic when they were writing these lyrics. It is certainly helping in this moment for me though. Thanks, guys!
If you are finding yourself wrestling with a loneliness large enough to swallow you whole, reach out. Increase your social interactions. Strengthen your social support network. And if you need it, improve your social skills. You do not have to be lonely forever.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
First-Time College Parents: Fall Semester Survival Guide
Colleges and universities are doing the best they can to provide as much of a “traditional” college experience as they can for your adult child. Hey Class of 2024 - Welcome to college during COVID19! Regardless of whether you opted to allow your young adult move into the residence hall on campus, or they are taking a full courseload of classes virtually from the comfort of their childhood bedroom, there are some things that you, as a parent of college student, need to be aware of. The transition to college, whether on or off-campus can be just as much of an adjustment for your kid as it is for you.
The articles, all linked below, covered topics from forms you need to have signed before your adult child leaves, understanding privacy laws on campus, recommended books to read, navigating the emotions of grief for you as a parent, to what happens when the honeymoon to the college transition wears off, or what happens when your kid gets sick on campus.
The Pre-College To-Do List: What your kid needs to be able to do before they go
5 Biggest Mistakes Parents make when their College Student Struggles
In addition to the constant changes in higher education due to COVID19, mental health and addiction is steadily rising amount young adults. Know that there are resources available both on-campus and off-campus for your adult child, no matter where they are living and studying! And know that there are resources for you as a parent as well. You aren’t alone, and your adult child isn’t either.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Tsunami
When the world quarantined mid-March, I viewed that experience as riding a wave. In hindsight, I’d say it was something much bigger. My personal and professional life came to a screeching halt, and yet I knew I was not alone. Living in solidarity with the rest of the world being trapped at home was the only thing comforting about that time. At that point, I was already thinking about the future. I feared for the education system. I feared for the mental health of children and adults. I feared for the economy. But now that it is August, so much else has happened, it’s hard not to look back at the last few months and notice something different.
That wave in March was predictive of public health, racial injustice, police reform, the dissolution of the higher education system, and an ever-growing political divide. The last few months, and the months to come I am now seeing clearly as different stages of a tsunami.
While COVID-19 was running rampant around the world and the US was blissfully ignorant to what was happening, an earthquake happened under water. This was the initiation. From here, COVID-19 was widely spread across the US like wildfire, as we were not aware and not paying attention to this public health pandemic. As public health officials are scrambling to give recommendations, the split of the tsunami has now begun. While the rest of us were focusing on the immediate waves crashes on shore (ie stressing the hospital system, working from home, George Floyd, protests, unemployment, etc.), another wave was rolling out to sea. It’s gaining strength and momentum. With the increase of speed and decrease of the wavelength, we have hit the amplification stage. This is the stuff from movies; a towering wave coming straight to shore. This is where we are. And from what I am hearing and seeing, no one has looked far enough beyond the horizon to notice the massive wave coming right for us.
It will continue to build until November 3, 2020. Then, we will be living through the runup. Some of us won’t survive. Between substance abuse, suicide, famine, COVID19, and healthcare, we all have the odds stacked against us. If we can somehow find shelter to run out the runup, we may live to see the other side of this tsunami.
What I thought in March seems so tiny in comparison to everything that has happened in the last few months. We are living in a very different world. We need to help each other – no matter our race, socioeconomic status, or political stance. We are all being impacted together. Let’s band up and get through this together.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Resources for Parents of a Soon-to-be College Student
Having young adults return home to complete their college coursework was mandatory in March, however it has evolved into an entirely different issue throughout summer. Now that most colleges have announced they will continue with hybrid or fully online coursework, parents are scrambling to navigate having a young adult living under their roof full time. For some families, this works. For other families, their adult child has regressed to toddler-like behavior not helping around the house, demanding things, and not understanding that their time at home is a privilege.
The six articles, all linked below, covered topics related to parents taking back control within their home, knowing how to instill peace and calm, and when (and how) to ask their adult child to leave. It’s not easy, and yet it may need to be the course of action.
In addition to the chaos of higher education, mental health and addiction is steadily rising amount young adults. Know that there are resources available both on-campus and off-campus for your adult child, no matter where they are living and studying.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Treat Yo' Self!
Money is tight for a lot of folks right now. I get that. I am feeling it, and yet we still need to have fun and enjoy living. Nothing at the expense of someone’s health and wellbeing though! Trying to survive during COVID-19 doesn’t mean you have to completely shut down everything in your life. You are still hustling and working hard. You are out there wearing a mask to show respect for the health of others. And for that, you need to treat yo self!
If you haven’t ever watched an episode of Parks & Recreation, you are missing out. Full disclaimer that if you do not have a dry sense of humor, it may not be your jam. Not to worry, it is not for everyone. Being that one of my undergraduate degrees was in Recreation, Parks & Tourism this show was a religious experience for me. Of all the episodes, my favorite were when Donna and Tom spend the day treating themselves. It is such a strong reminder of our need to pamper ourselves at least once a year.
So, with my birthday around the corner I needed to implement a little treat yo self into my life. Being pampered and talking about all the things I love is such a Leo thing to do. And yet, I do not care. (That’s another fine Leo trait). I ordered needlepoint kits because I wanted to learn. I created air plant vases out of wine corks. I am finishing up learning how to flesh, salt, and tan a hide. I may even dabble in woodworking to create my own coffee table and buffet out of Colorado aspen trees. I’ll hike a 14er, and do some paddleboarding. I’ll eat the entire Carvel ice cream cake to myself (if I can find one). Why? Because it is totally okay to treat yo self!
We’ve been adjusting to this new normal since March. It is more important than ever now that we take a day for embellished self-care. These are unprecedented times, and yet we are still alive. What better way to live than treat yo self?
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Best Way to Blow $50,000
The expression “burning a hole in your pocket” has no relation to what I’m going to write about here. It has everything, though, to do with families who do not understand the decisions that they’re making the and financial consequences associated. Let me explain.
You see, quality residential treatment at minimum will cost $50,000. That’s a decent chunk of change. A lot of families will lean heavily on insurance to cover that bill, but realistically for an ethical program with measured successful outcomes (i.e. the average length of graduates who remain sober for 1 year post-discharge) you will be paying out of pocket. So, why is it then, after shelling out this massive amount of money for treatment are parents suddenly assertive in bringing their child home?
Most likely the clinical recommendations will be the exact opposite, to enroll in a step-down program outside of the home. Or to enroll in a therapeutic boarding school for ongoing clinical care. Instead, parents are shell-shocked by the amount they spent and now would rather cut financial corners, go against clinical recommendations, and believe their child is fixed and the treatment industry is one giant conspiracy theory trying to rip parents off. They may believe that until the honeymoon of their child’s progress wears off within a matter of days, if not hours, when they get home and they realize that they just completely unraveled all the clinical work done over the last few months. This to me is the exact image of burning a $50,000 pile of dollar bills.
Families must understand that mental health professionals will ere on the side of conservative recommendations for continued treatment. Is a Young Adult Transitional Program necessary? Maybe not, but the kid’s therapist understands that they need something. But instead of working with a Therapeutic Consultant to find something in the middle that matches the family’s budget and match’s the clinical recommendations, they are just bringing their kids straight home without support. Nothing could be more frustrating. All the work they just did in their residential level of care was a giant waste of money. If you want your kid to get better but won’t listen to the clinical recommendations, why not just spend the $50,000 on a down payment for a house, a boat, several years of international vacations, or whatever the heck you want to spend that amount of money on.
I empathize as a parent when you have seen the progress in treatment and do not understand the depth of the continued work that is necessary. I empathize with parents as they find themselves feeling guilt for their child’s situation and wanting to be close to them, even though they have not been able to do significant family therapy. The reality is, you’re spending a lot of money on treatment and it’s important to ensure that the investment you made was money well spent. The only way to ensure that is to not sabotage all the work that was done by bringing your child home from treatment against clinical recommendations.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Perfect Parents, Perfect Kids
I want to be very clear in writing this blog. I do not believe I am perfect, nor do I believe anyone I know is perfect. That includes the parents that hire me, and that certainly includes the young adults I am hired to help. Striving for perfection is unhealthy. We are all human. Humans evolve, grow, stumble, and break. No one is perfect. No path in life is completely linear. There are bumps, barriers, and dead ends throughout every part of our journey. To lead others to believe that your life is sunshine and rainbows is unrealistic, and quite frankly, it sounds exhausting to manage. Didn’t that make a movie about that?
I find that the idea of perfectionism is spotlighted when it comes to the transition to adulthood. Specifically, that could be when the adult child is going off to college for the first time, returning to college after a break for treatment, or it could be the launching into the adult world for the first-time post-college graduation. These are all very tricky times for an adult child to navigate. Lots of changes, uncertainty, and anxiety. It is easy for a parent to step in and want to help make this transition look and feel smooth for their child.
Often, I hear of parenting units pressuring treatment staff to get their child to get back to school by a certain start date. Some examples I have heard over the years include:
“I hear you in that you are recommending clinically they stay another four weeks, but the college term starts in three weeks. They need to leave to go to school.”
“Of course, I believe my daughter needs to go to treatment, but I could never tell her to defer her semester. She worked too hard to earn admission.”
“The semester starts soon, and I will make sure that they see a therapist and enroll in a local IOP when they are back on campus.”
These all play out because the parent is anxious about their young adult being off-track to graduate. This also plays out in that the parent is fearful of having to explain to anyone outside of the family with their high-achieving student is not currently college bound. There is a desperation for their child to fit the post-secondary expectation the parent had created for them. Because if they do not fit the image, the parent will need to grieve the loss of who they thought their child would be and embrace who they are. Or, they are riddled with guilt in that they had promised to pay for their child to go to school and although they want to listen to the Mental Health Professionals advising them to focus on treatment first, they can’t help but want to honor their promise to their child. The fact that the promise was made during a hostage negotiation is beside the point once they are enrolled in a treatment program and now crying to their parents about going to school. And lastly, sometimes it is just because a parent has not accepted the fact that their young adult’s mental health is a priority over them being in college. They do not see the writing on the wall in that if they allow their adult child to go to college without them being completely stable, sober, and healthy, that they are throwing away a semester’s worth of tuition. For some families, it is worth the gamble. For others, it can be an extreme blow to their own ego.
As a professional, I often push back on parents. I empathize with the want them to be in college with their peers. The reality is that 30% of college students do not return after their Freshmen year. If your child is only motivated to go to college for the parties, please understand this is a bad idea. Listen to the professionals advising you in your life. We will connect you with your own individual therapist so you can work through the grief and loss of your adult child. Once you let that go, everything else will feel so much better in your life.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Champagne Taste on a Beer Budget
This title was only recently shared with me and I just about died hearing it. Even for a person in recovery, without reading more than the title you would have an idea of what is to come. Someone wants something extremely high quality for the cheapest price possible. When it comes to mental health and addiction treatment you absolutely cannot have both.
For the families I work with, I do not refer to programs that are beer pricing, and beer quality. Although I used to love craft beer, it is a hell of a lot cheaper than liquor the quality can be inconsistent. For the sake of this example, let us just use Milwaukee’s Best. And if you like this beer, I am very sorry for using this as an example. In my opinion, it is crap! I would not buy this if it were the difference between me dying of thirst or having some form of hydration. Now translate that to treatment programs. It means this program is completely unpalatable. It means the clinical work is shit, the living situation are gross, and the changes of true recovery are slim to none. When a parent contacts me asking to find treatment programs in-network with their insurance, this to be in asking for the beer budget.
Let me clarify, I am not referencing programs that will bill out-of-network or help a family request a single case agreement. I do not want it to seem that I’m saying all treatment programs in-network are crap, and I will say a majority of them are. These are the programs that say “we have the capacity for 85 but 64 is really our sweet spot.” I disagree wholeheartedly that 64 is a sweet spot for doing quality clinical and individualized work.
So, when the family calls and wants me to find them the best of the best when it comes to mental health and addiction treatment, yet requests that it be in-network with your insurance that is the perfect example of champagne taste on a beer budget. I can either find you a program in-network that will do and I may consider my Tier 3 or 4 placement, or you allow me to recommend the quality clinical treatment programs and we navigate the how-to-pay before enrolling.
You cannot ask for the sun and the moon. And taking a swig of beer when you are expecting champagne is not going to go down well. Figure out what you want, and understand the realistic nature of your request or be prepared to be extremely disappointed from a financial and clinical standpoint.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Everything before the “but” is bullshit
If you hear someone say this, you will realize there is so much truth in this statement. It could be getting feedback from your co-worker. It could be a parent redirecting a child. It could be your friend responding to you when they clearly were not listening. Let this sink in, and then start to pay extra attention to the phrasing people use around you. Everything after the word “but” is bullshit, and essentially makes everything before “but,” meaningless.
Let us give some examples:
You did fantastic at your dress rehearsal, but I do not love your costume.
I hear you, but I do not think I agree with where you are going with this.
Yes, I know you must go to the bathroom, but I am going to need you to hold it a little longer.
I would love to play that game with you, but I cannot do it right this second.
By inserting “but” after the agreeing statement or hopeful comment, you immediately allow the other person you are speaking to, to deflate. You are allowing them to get their hopes up only to feel let down, put down, or shamed. Everything after the but is bullshit. Why? Because it is an excuse. It is not going to happen. You made it seem like you were willing and interested in the thing the other person was talking to you about, and then by following it with “but” you completely threw the statement away. You made every word before the “but” meaningless.
This stands for people dealing with addiction. This stands for people who are depressed beyond motivation. This stands for people who are and have always been a pessimist. If anyone makes a statement that includes “but,” they are not interested in collaborating. They are interested in shutting you up, so you leave them alone. That is the cold hard facts. It could be the parent to the child, or it could be child to a parent. Either way, it does not feel good. If you are interested in changing your language, go ahead and start saying “Yes, And.” See where it gets you.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Dysregulation = hot mess
In Episode 14 of the Success is Subjective podcast where I interview Chase Sewell and Jessica Martindale of Onsite Workshops, Jessica said something that really struck a chord with me. She talked about being a mama and how exciting that can be, and more so because Jessica has done a lot of her own therapeutic work. She specifically mentioned her daughter being dysregulated and how she let’s that play out sometimes, but for those of us not clinically trained the best way to understand what dysregulation means is to envision someone being a “hot mess.”
No matter who you are, you can immediately conjure an image of someone who is really struggling. Whether they are not functioning in their professional or personal life, it makes not difference. The visual can get nasty. Like someone who keeps dropping things and then gets wildly frustrated. Or someone who just keeps crying for no apparent reason. Spoiler alert: there is a reason, the person crying may just not have the emotional self-awareness to understand what is happening. Or what about the person who just always is late, cluttered, or distracted? All prime examples of someone who could be a hot mess.
In the mental health world, we refer to this as dysregulation. This is when a client or patient of ours just turns into limbic liquid. This could be internalized or externalized behaviors, and it could be associated with substance use or not. They are not sure what is going on and it can look like a total meltdown. Often, they may even use the expression “I’m not sure what is going on and why I am this upset!” In Jessica’s case, she was talking about her toddler daughter who was emotionally dysregulated. If you have ever been around a screaming or wailing toddler, then you will have no problem now associating that image to the definition of dysregulation. The catch is then, how we help them emotionally regulate?
For early childhood changes, I would say modeling emotional regulation can help. If you yourself as the parent are often dysregulated, that can be a learned behavior. Being dysregulated is humanizing, and yet it is important to curb that from being a constant. For adults, it is about healthy attachments, therapy, and potentially being prescribed medication. At some point in your life if may more than just an emotional roller coaster. It could be addiction and/or biology. There is nothing wrong with you, you just want the supports to kept you back into balance. The next time you see someone you would categorize as hot mess, just think about what they might be going through. Then envision them like a toddler. They are ready to be back in a place where they are bubbly and giggling, but the question is do they know about resources available to help them get there?
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Cannot pour from an empty cup
The COVID-19 pandemic has really made it hard to carry on. I don’t know about your, but I think I will need a vacation after the quarantine is lifted. Let me clear: I’m not interested in being called out for recommending everyone else do the same and subsequently starting the second wave of COVID-19. Not interested in that affiliation, whatsoever. Please continue to shelter in place and dig deep for morale and your own welfare. Dig really deep.
As a professional in the mental healthcare and behavioral healthcare industries, my work never stops. If anything, it has felt so much more charged and draining with the COVID-19 scare. It’s heightened the intensity of every crisis tenfold. I imagine other professionals in this space are feeling it too. Therapists who went into this work to run individual or group therapy sessions in person are now forced to continue to provide the same level of congruence and empathy through telehealth platforms. Mental Health providers who are trained to acknowledge a conflict of interest when they see one. An example of that being if there was a trauma in a community that you lived in and it impacted you as a therapist personally, you would be triggered and unable to provide support to your neighbor. We are living and working in unprecedented times. The therapists are impacted by COVID-19 personally too. So, how we separate? And more importantly, how do we continue to give to our clients when we now have our own empty cup?
My self-care practices that worked pre-COVID-19 are now proving to not provide the same stress-relief. My daily walks with my dog although are enjoyable for both of us, I am finding that it’s just not enough. My Zoom calls with family and colleagues provide temporary enjoyment, and yet I’m missing the physical touch. My cup will continue to remain empty until I can hug another human again. I’m finding that it’s harder and harder to give, when there’s nothing left for myself. These are tough times for those of us who are struggling. And let’s be real, that’s a lot of us. We have to admit we’re struggling. We have to share with others our personal pains. We have to lift or prop each other up during this ambiguous time. And if you’re the lucky one who still feels like your cup is running over, make share the excess? Or clue us into how you’re managing to still have a full cup.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Hitting Pause on College
I will cut right to the chase. It is totally okay to take a break from college! Whether you just want to decompress from everything that unfolded globally in Spring 2020 or are self-aware that another semester of online learning is not a good fit for you. Regardless of your reasoning, you have every right to take a break. College will be there when you are ready to return.
Any college or university reading this now would not be thrilled with my encouragement for students to take a break. Realistically, they are a business. They operate on the tuition dollars of their students. If a student does not return, they are not paying tuition. With a drop in student enrollment and retention, there is a possibility for these higher education businesses to struggle. And unless they have a multi-billion endowment, chances are they might really struggle come Fall. They might be sweating their future, but that does not mean that any student must.
Virtual learning is not for everyone. In fact, it is a real challenge for a lot of people. When you signed up for the collegiate experience, taking your college classes online while sitting at the desk in your childhood bedroom may not be how folks envisioned college. It is an adjustment for everyone, including professors. The mindset is that at some point in the future, we will all go back to being on-campus and college will feel like college again. But until we know when that can happen, which if anything tells you definitively when they are lying, this is how college may be for the foreseeable future.
You can just choose to not register for fall semester classes. You can potentially consider studying abroad if you were not already. Or what about exploring opportunities like a Gap Year Program or wilderness therapy? The possibilities for what to do lieu of a semester off from college can be endless. In fact, if you are not feeling overwhelmed by the number of amazing choices you may want to open your eyes a little more. If you are still not seeing it, it might be worth hiring someone to help you learn about these alternatives.
Again, this is just you hitting pause on your college experience. It is okay to hit pause, if you don’t completely pause your life for the next semester months. If you are not going to college, at least have something else going for you. The opportunities are endless!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
The Politics of Higher Education
When I worked in higher education, I used to get so frustrated. I used to say change took place at the pace of “molasses in winter,” when discussing shifts to anything in college. Describing it as frustration is probably putting it mildly. As a Millenial, I charged my work world from day one. They said I was driven, motivated, and admired my creativity. It was not until shortly after I started working that my eyes were open to the bureaucratic system that is firmly grounded (still) in a Boomer-era way-of-life. I’m not poo-pooing Boomers. I will say though that I’m not a fan of university systems that do not provide a stage for Millenials to talk about the changes necessary to bring institutions into the 21st century. That job was soul-crushing.
My soul was crushed for how much I worked my ass off to help the students I worked with who decided to succeed in life. Crushed by how poorly I got paid for a job that required a Master’s degree, and yet was told with words that I was indispensable. It was like being in an abusive relationship. I did not want to leave even though I knew better, it was fear of the breaking up and the uncertainty beyond that that kept me going back every day. My soul was crushed by the systems in place that required me to ask for permission. A series of approvals that would go up four to five levels of supervisors, before the answer was ever returned to me months later. My soul was crushed by image of higher learning that transformed into a mirage of a business that only cared about money coming in (read: retention). My time in higher education was nothing short of a love-hate relationship.
For families enrolling their kid in college, you need to understand the bureaucracy. You need to understand the politics. You need to know ahead of time that although you want to demand to have a refund, or that someone reach out to your kid who you know is struggling, the call-to-action beyond your request takes time. There are systems in place. There are people that need to place their stamp of approval on all things, before anything can get done. But now with COVID-19, I just wonder how this may be turning everything on its head.
Whereas it used to take decades to change things that may have only taken a week with the proper effort, now we are witnessing the complete unraveling of decades of work as colleges are adjusting to changes made almost daily. I do not envy anyone working in higher education right now. I can only imagine the chaos. Maybe if some of the soon-to-retire Administrators bring Millenials to the table and ask their input on how we make colleges still inviting in the fall, some schools may not be faced with foreclosure. Yes, foreclosure.
Higher education has always been the kind of system that vehemently requires endless amounts of permission. If you are of the mindset to ask for forgiveness, you can expect that you will not be long for the higher education world. You will be reprimanded and replaced before you can blink. I don’t like having my hand slapped, which is the one of many reasons I left working in higher education. Might I add: having my hand slapped for specifically want to help retain staff, and subsequently build rapport with students. At the end of the day, your kid is just a dollar sign in higher education. They’re a statistic. At least this was how it was pre-COVID19. One can only hope that colleges and universities are pivoting by inverting their leadership to include the younger professionals who can creatively brainstorm through how to navigate this crisis.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Pick a direction, not a destination
In a time when all I find myself doing is daydreaming about international travel destinations “once COVID-19 is over,” I must reign myself back in for a few reasons. First, to acknowledge what is it about these places that I am interested in and seeking. Secondly, because there is no such thing as “when COVID-19 is over.” There are so many ways this can so sideways, rather than transitioning to be a thing in the past. If you are naively from the school of thought that things will “return to normal,” I certainly am not going to be the bearer of bad news. You keep on thinking that way! I hope it pans out for you. In the meantime, I am still salivating thinking about stamps in my passport. Honestly, it is not about only getting the stamp in the passport, but rather the adventures I embark on within that country. It is about the direction I take, rather than the destination itself.
There is a lot of transference and/or translation in this cheesy tag line. We are witnessing this unfold in front of us as we speak. Who is experiencing it the most? Our high school Seniors, College Students, and young adults. They are plowing through a developmental period in their life that we (Thanks, America!) have said needs to be a specific way. If they step off that track, they may be led to believe they may not have a successful future. It is societal peer pressure at it is finest. I will just come out and say it: it is not true. If you take a break, the world will not end. If anything, it may be just beginning.
The fear that exists has driven an entire generation of young people to the predicament they are in now. This place of utter disappointment and despair. What if college is virtual in the fall? That is not how I pictured my first-semester freshmen year to be. This is not fair! Damn straight it is not fair. It is not fair that you were told that that is the only way that life looked post-high school. Just like I find myself saying “it’s not fair” that I cannot go traveling this summer. I know I won’t be going, and I understand the reason why it’s not safe. But I can still whine about it, just for a minute.
So instead of being set on a specific destination, in life or for your next vacation, consider the direction you are heading in instead. Were you planning for college and now need to explore a gap year option? Were you headed to Nicaragua but really you need to be looking towards the Middle East instead? It’s not always about where you’re going, but the journey it takes to get there. So, pick your direction and just start going forward.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
The only things that is “normal” right now
While the rest of us are still shell shocked from what’s unfolded over the last two months, we are slowly starting to embrace and acknowledge that nothing will truly be “back to normal.” We are learning to embrace and evolve in accepting a “new normal;” whatever the heck that may be. But while we’re still adjusting, there is a community of people who are experiencing life as if COVID-19 is a myth. That group exists for people currently in treatment.
To the staff who have had to follow more safety protocols, and the create new systems, it hasn’t trickled down to the residents. They are still in groups. They are still living in the program’s accommodations. They are still engaging in therapy, being active outdoors, and eating communal meals. It may sound incomprehensible for those of us who aren’t currently in treatment, but it’s the truth. Those in treatment are the ones with the most normal life right now.
Am I suggesting we all go to treatment solely to relive the olden days? Absolutely not unless you are in need of treatment. In that case, I’d say to you: “what you are waiting for?” There is no reason not to go right now, especially when you know now it’s the one place that can feel the most reminiscent, safe, and comforting. I digress.
The feeling of nostalgia you get going to a coffee shop to meet up with friends casually, that’s the feeling that some people are experiencing in treatment right now. The impromptu shopping spree at Target just because you were in the area, that’s the same feeling that some people are experiencing in treatment right now. The smile you gave to the other drivers you pass by on a small dirt road on a summer day with your windows down and hair blowing in the wind, that may be the feeling that some people are experiencing in treatment right now. It may not be too. But the smiling to a stranger and acknowledging other humans in your general vicinity, that’s something that those in treatment are still engaging in. Meanwhile, the rest of us are Vitamin D deficient due to being sheltered at home for over six weeks.
I’m idolizing being in treatment, and in reality, participating in a treatment program is far from sunshine and rainbows. It’s hard work. If you’re in a treatment program, you’re there for a reason not because you just casually wanted to enroll. Change takes efforts, and effort makes growth. Growth can mean discomfort. Their daily structure and routine is about as normal as it gets right now though. So if you need treatment and are unraveling because of the uncertainty of the world and your future, there is no better time than now to go to treatment.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.