Stages of Grief for a First-Time College Parent

It’s almost September. If you haven’t already dropped your first born off for move-in day, you’ve probably got the car packed and you’re ready to roll onto campus. Regulating your emotions is nearly impossible. You are anxious, your soon-to-be-college-student is anxious, and it’s hard to think about anything other than what’s to come. Everyone is on edge with anticipation. Between the stress of making sure you’ve got everything for their dorm room and the logistics surrounding your own return home, you probably haven’t given much thought to what it’ll be like once they’re gone. This, my friends, is called denial.

You’ve been on autopilot for a long time. Senior year of high school is non-stop with college applications, senior year events, and eleventh-hour family vacations. You haven’t wanted to think about this moment at all. You’ve worked tirelessly for 18 years to make sure your child was ready for this. They are finally launching into the post-secondary world, and then you turn around and everything suddenly feels empty. The reality of your loss is starting to set in. Technically you’re still their parent. Of course, you still care about them immensely and want to ensure their safety and well-being. This is when you start to learn about what you’re allowed to know and not know. Privacy Laws in Higher Education are legit. You find yourself angry at times towards anyone in your general vicinity, especially if you are trying to help your child. You aren’t even sure why you are so mad. This stage isn’t always common, so maybe you skip this step altogether. Maybe you don’t. It’s never a fun time when you’re running around angry. Hopefully this passes quickly.

Now that they’re starting their first semester in college, you really start second guessing their decisions. All along you’ve been nothing but supportive of their post-secondary dreams, but now you’re really questioning how you thought it was a good idea they go away. For out-of-state parents or parents of college community students, this loss is still the same. Things have changed. For those of you out of town, you may have booked an extra night stay at the hotel in their college town “just in case.” Or you call, text, email, Snap, or Tweet them with messages surrounding them returning home to visit as soon as possible. Or, you tell them you’re buying season tickets for football and you’ll be expecting them to tailgate with you every weekend. This may ease your anxiety temporarily, but can you imagine the pressure it’s putting on your child? They may not be going through the same process as you right now.  You minimize your discomfort with them being gone by normalizing “it’s not that bad” to anyone who you speak with. Deep down, you’re on the verge of a complete collapse. Although it doesn’t entirely fit the bill, this can be called bargaining.

Come September, or October the depression will really be setting in. You haven’t seen your young adult. They aren’t communicating with you often, if at all. You feel really disconnected and you so desperately want your young adult to still need you. You are their parent after all. You have a lot of free time and don’t know what to do with yourself, even if you have other children in the house. Sometimes it feels like there is a ghost in your place. You find yourself upset often, especially when it comes from a place of you wishing your young adult were there. Why does it feel like I’ve experienced a death in the family? Not literally, but metaphorically you have had a significant loss. This is not something to sweep under the rug.

Once you start to acknowledge the elephant in the room and it being the reason behind your sadness, you can start to truly accept that they are finally launched. You can think about their experience fondly and wish them well daily, no matter where you are. You are proud of them. You hope they are happy and making friends. Instead of being constantly emotional, you find yourself more at peace. Excited for their future and how it will all transpire! You have begun to move forward knowing that your life is different. You appreciate the time you had with them and you will continue to cherish the moments you have with them when they visit during breaks.

Or maybe you don’t grieve at all. Maybe you are just so elated that your young adult is out of the house that you have a party to celebrate. This is very real for some parents! You may not shed one single tear. If anything, you’re just beside yourself with optimism surrounding your own next chapter.  This is straight acceptance in a sense, yet without the rest of the grieving rollercoaster.  

Regardless of how you handle your young adult going off to college, remember that grieving is very normal. You can wipe the sweat off your brow as you just went through a roller known as the stages of grief. It’s a real thing. 

It is okay to react however you feel is appropriate for your own well-being. Sign up for a new yoga class. Go see a Therapist who specializes in Grief. Speak with a Parent Coach who works with adults during significant transition points in their life. Read some books on how to parent a young adult. Form a group of local parents who pick together care packages while drinking wine. Hell, even go on a vacation! Do whatever you need to do for yourself. You deserve it! 

For questions or comments contact Joanna.