College Students & Destructive Perfectionism
We are witnessing a generation of young adults who are willingly stepping into the stressful environment that is higher education, which can also be referenced as a pressure cooker. High school students are led to believe that upon admission into college that they are ready for the rigor. Academically speaking, for the most part that’s accurate. However, the emotional and social rollercoaster they just bought a ticket for is far from what they’re prepared to experience. Even if they had a solid friend group in high school, realistically college is a different ball game altogether. A young adult’s pride in their acceptance to <insert name of school they care about>, along with their parents’ pride in the efforts paid off by their soon-to-be college student, are blindly setting them up.
No one means ill. Especially when we think about the parents, the last thing they want to do is step in a confront their young adult about possibly deferring their admission. No matter how well-intentioned, every young adult would immediately feel wounded by that suggestion. The catch is, though, that as soon as the students step foot on campus and the parents drive away, the emotional reality for that young adult sinks in. Their situation is about to get real. Again, yes we believe they are academically capable, but so are the other 5,000 first-year students on campus. The competition, although real or imagined, primes these not-yet-fully-developed minds to put even more pressure on themselves to succeed. They did get into <insert name of school they care about> after all!
The semester kicks off with a slow start. Little to no immediate homework. Experiencing a collegiate classroom for the first time and navigating how to study and take notes differently than they’re used to. Then something happens. Something that you or I may feel is a minor issue is, in fact, a major issue for some of these college students. They decided to skip a class and missed a pop-quiz. All of a sudden in the online student grade system it says they have a “F” in the class. Or, they get a D on their first lab assignment and realize in doing the calculation that the highest grade they could get overall for the semester would be a B-, and that’s if they get 100 percent on the next, and only two remaining, assignments. This could be catastrophic.
All the sudden, the voice of shame begins to speak a little louder with this student. It tends to only play along with the voice of self-doubt is also alive and well. They hear things like:
“What’s going to happen if I don’t get an A in this class?”
“How will my parents react when they learn that I am failing?”
“No one else in my classes are struggling like I am. I must not be cut out for <insert name of school they care about>.”
“How do I convince my professor to let me change my grade?”
“I am a failure.”
The shame spiral takes ahold quickly. This academic underachievement, whether real or imagined, is the hole that many students slip into quickly and can’t climb out of. A hole that may appear to be miniature, but to the student feels like they’ve just been dropped into the deepest cave in the world with no rope to ascend out. Being in this spot, at the depths of that imagined cave is where students truly self-destruct.
Dr. B. Janet Hibbs and Dr. Anthony Rostain recently published The Stressed Years of Their Lives, which is meant to be a guide for parents to help their young adult survive and thrive during their college years. In it they write about this destructive perfectionism:
This destructive perfectionism distorts self-worth, making it nearly impossible for young people to tolerate personal flaws, take reasonable risks, or face the failures they will inevitably encounter on the road to maturity. Of far graver important, it undermines students’ willingness to seek help when needed.
p. 16
These students, although truly capable academically, struggle significantly as a whole. In that struggle, they see themselves as less than. Because they are fighting so hard to present as being perfect, it ends up suffocating their success in the end.
One quick note: I think it’s important to highlight again that often times the parents are also a part of this process. Parents place pressure on their young adult to succeed in college. Sometimes even a simple “I’m proud of you” comment can crush the soul of their young adult if they aren’t aware of the reality of their child’s situation. If at that point they’ve dug themselves a whole academically, the last thing the young adult will do is admit to their parent that they’re failing their classes. It’s a perceived bringing shame on the family for their failures. Can you see how this is mildly destructive?
To suggest that parents be more involved in communication with their young adults is not enough. We have to suggest that parents share messages with their young adults that may feel unusual or uncomfortable. Something like this:
“I just want you to know I’m proud of you no matter how well you do, or what you decide to do.”
“I just want you to know that you may not do as well in your college classes as you originally anticipated. If that happens, just know it’s ok. Let me know. I’m here to support you!”
“Failing a class is OK. It doesn’t feel good, and also know that I struggled in some of my classes in college, too.”
“You are a very brave person for tackling college head on. I’m proud of you in the person you’re becoming.”
Now, if your young adult is not open to communication with you and is struggling academically, these messages could actually do more harm than good. Please use with discretion. Our young people are putting pressure on themselves, as they believe that everyone else is putting pressure on them as well. We need to rise up as a community to help these young people move away from this destructive perfectionism. It’s not realistic. We need to help them understand what their future could truly be.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
6 Ways to Protect Your Child from the Dangers of Social Media
Social Media is both a gift and a curse to all of us, particularly to children and teens, because it connects us and furnishes us with all kinds of useful information, but also exposes us to unsavory people and ideas. Presumably, we adults are better equiped to guarding ourselves from some of these dangers, but kids are so much more vulnerable! Internet predators are real, and we need to guard our young and not so young children from them. Just because someone is not physically in your home does not mean that the person cannot harm your child, or find his way into meeting them in person.
It is imperative that young people understand the importance of privacy in communications of all kinds, in text and in pictures, and that parents be up-to-speed on how to best support a child or teen on safe uses of social media. There are kids who have been bullied into suicide by social media hounding. There have been children and teens who have been sexually abused via social media introductions. There are even murders committed that have been facilitated via social media. Though even schools post information for kids on Facebook, keeping personal exposure to a minimum is best. In regard to social media use, less is more and in most cases, is better.
Almost daily there are new apps or platforms for social media that are being introduced, and teens are always the first to sign up. Before you give your young person free access to download, upload, and sync anything onto their cell phone, tablet, or laptop, be sure you are educating them on safe practices, and limiting their exposure to dangerous sites. In order to do this, you need to educate yourself on all the different social media platforms that exist.
How much do you know about Facebook? Instagram? Snapchat? Twitter? Vine? Nextdoor? MeetUp? Tik Tok? Or what about Tinder? Bumble? OkCupid? Zoosk? Hinge? Match? Coffee meets Bagel? Happn? League? Grindr? Plenty of Fish? I'm sure I'm already forgetting a bunch. It's hard to do, but the more you can keep your child away from these social media sites, the better off he will be. In addition to all the other dangers of social media, they present to children and adults a terrible waste of their time.
Below you will find the top 6 ways a parent can help their child be safe when using social media.
Limit social media usage. The safest thing to do is just limit to amount of time your young person is on social media. If limiting is not possible, encourage them to limit their usage. If they see you on your phone or on social media all the time, they will do it too. Go on a virtual diet! Unlimited usage can be a rabbit hole of exposure to unsafe social media practices by others, or choices that your young person will regret.
Teach your teen about internet safety. And, to do that, you must first educate yourself: What is the dark web? How can you adolescent or young adult access it? What will you find there? Make kids understands that others their age have been stalked, harmed, even killed by unsavory people they met online.
Get an internet content safety filter that gives you the ability to block access to sites. There are content filtering services that allow parents to set parameters and allow certain site, alert parents about other sites, and block certain sites completely. Which filter? There are many: Talk to your child's principal, a smart parent you admire, a religious leader, and Google "internet safety filters" or a related term, and buy or lease a filter. Learn how to set limits on home computers, phones, and tablets to block pornographic sites and sexually explicit sites.
Even if your child is a young adult, keep in mind that if you paid for his laptop, you have the right to put some limitations for access in place. Educate your child on what is not safe for them to do, and what's not appropriate for others to do to your child. This includes teaching them how, where, and when to report harassment.Keep personal information hidden. Make your child understand that he cannot post truly personal information on any social media platform. The best rule is "when in doubt, don't post." The best way to stay safe is to make sure that your personal information and location is never broadcast. For instance, posting a picture of your new driver's license in a new state provides anyone with access to your account to see your address, and other personal identifying information.
For a college student, posting you residence hall and room number or your class schedule and locations is making it easy for anyone with access to your account to stalk you. Seriously. As best as you can, keep your personal information hidden.
Make use of privacy settings on social media accounts. For any personal social media account, make sure you keep your privacy settings on. This will limit who is seeing your posts or pictures. This also allows you to decline requests from random people, or friends, to view your information.
Posting means permanent, it is that simple!. Make your child understand this fact. Gone are the days when you could send an x-rated picture on Snapchat and get away with it. Now, that's not the case. You need to protect yourself in making sure anything that's posted of you, or by you is something you will not regret. This could be words, pictures, or any associations. In this day and age, everyone needs to understand that anything they put out there can, and will, be permanent. You cannot take back what's been put out there, so always err on the side of caution when posting information into the social media world.
If you are concerned about the amount of usage or notice a process addiction with technology use forming (i.e. porn, video gaming, sex and love, internet gambling, hate sites, etc.), it is important that as a parent you consider consulting with an expert for help. There may be local resources available to you, but if not, there are professionals across the national who can help you get your young person connected to the appropriate treatment options. Seek out a Therapeutic Educational Consultant. This is what we do, and we do know how to help.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
10 Ways Keep Your Child Safe on the College Campus
College campus safety is a critical problem for young adult students, especially those with learning differences who might not be as socially savvy and as aware of incipient dangers. With recent tragic news of students already injured on college campuses before the start of the academic semester, safety on campus is a very important topic to discuss.
What is "safe" is subjective, but in a place where there can be a lot of "gray" physical and social situations, it's important to note there are some very objective safety structures in place on college campuses.
When a parent drops off their young adult onto a college campus, they want the world for them. They are simultaneously proud and overjoyed for the future of their kid, and also terrified for the safety of their child. If you can appreciate this ambivalence, you are not alone. This is very normal for parents.
In an effort to ensure your young adult still has the opportunity to learn and grow into an independent young adult, but be aware of dangerous situations, we have tips to share with your young person on how they can maintain their own safety.
Here are 10 Tips to help yoour child guard their personal safety on campus:
Know where campus safety locations are on campus. In the event of an emergency when you don't have access to a phone, know where the campus police phones are on campus. with their blue light, they are easy to distinguish.
Remember that there is safety in numbers, especially at night: If you are walking on or near campus at night, be careful. It's always safer to walk in a group.
Learn how to defend yourself, with devices and with techniques. Carry mace, a stun gun, a whistle, or cat eyes. Train on self-defense techniques. Some academic classes end after the sun has set, so walking home in the dark is inevitable. Be prepared.
Be very careful getting into a car alone. Pay attention to your surroundings (people, noises, cyclists, etc.). Have your car alarm at the ready to bring attention to you for safety purposes.
Always lock up. Period. When you are not in your room, please lock up your door and window(s). To ensure not having items stolen and/or unwelcome guests in your room, make sure you utilize the locks. If you want to go an extra step, buy a lock for a desk in your room. That is beneficial for if a student if he or she has a differing schedule than their roommate, and their roommate is bringing people in their residence hall room.
Bike riding safety when you are the biker: When riding a bike, wear reflective gear, and a helmet, and be familiar with bike traffic signals. Several college campuses are very bike friendly. To minimize the likelihood of injury from a bike accident, it is best to be noticed by wearing reflective gear. The helmet is imperative when biking on roads that border campus property. If you find yourself commuting on or off-campus, it's important to familiarize yourself with traffic signals when riding a bike.
Driving a car amid bikers and understanding bike signals: To piggyback off point #3, if you are commuting via car to campus and live in a bike-heavy community, it's important that you understand bike signals. You will be sharing the road with cyclists and it's important to know when you have the right of way, or what the indications of their turn signals look like.
Yield to pedestrians: Although there are pedestrian crosswalks on campus and on roads bordering campus, it's easier to err on the side of caution in crossing than to assume that traffic is yielding to you as a pedestrian.
Learn about your neighborhood and get your physical bearings: New students are expected to have the campus map and surrounding town map memorized before arriving. With time, students will become familiar with whether they are going to get to class, visit friends, etc. Before becoming familiar, it's important to be careful not to get lost. Especially off-campus and especially after dark. Use the GPS on your smart phone to get you back to where you need to be as soon as possible.
Be very careful with what you post on social media. This may be the most important tip of all! Everyone is not your friend, and you do not have to share your personal life with the world. It doesn't matter the platform. It is not smart to post your exact location with very detailed personal information (i.e. residence hall name and room number, or specific class, location, and professor). This is exposing your schedule and location to anyone who is paying attention. This is extremely dangerous.
Personal relationship-related information is no one's business but your own. Many personal pictures should never be posted. Review safety guidelines with your child for what should be kept private. Thinking that this type of information should be shared with the world is a terrible consequence of the popularity of social media, and has caused much more hard than good.
In the end, if you are unsure about whether your young adult can take the steps necessary to keep himself or herself safe on a college campus, it's important to think about taking necessary precautions. Either have health care forms signed ahead of their enrollment on a college campus, or even consider deferring college until your child is mature enough to maintain their own safety. It's a terrifying thing to think about, but there are a lot of ways that campuses can be safe, and just as many as they can be unsafe. Make sure your young adult knows the difference.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
9 Key Steps Your Child Must Take to Succeed in College
According to the College Admissions staff of the college your adult child is attending, he or she is academically capable of the rigors at their institution. You have helped him move into their comfortable and newly decked out residence hall room. But the real work is just beginning for your child, and work it is! How to succeed at academics, find a comfortable social situation, and keep mind and body safe and healthy? A lot to ask from a young adult who has never lived on his own. But if your child is systematic about doing what he needs to do, and proactive about taking care of his physical and emotional health, he can do beautifully and feel justifiably proud of himself for learning how to live as an adult.
From someone who used to work with students on academic probation, here are 10 steps a student must take, and take seriously, to truly be successful and relatively happy in college. Some are easy, and some not as easy. But all are doable for a young adult, and well worth the relatively minor effort!
Treat college like a full-time job. Full-time jobs are 40 hours or more per week. Your efforts in college will translate to your work ethic in the workforce. If you don't show up for work, what would your boss do? Fire you. Treat class the same way you would treat a job. You need to note that if you are only in class physically for 15 hours, then you have 25 hours or more of studying to do to ensure you are "successful" in your job as a full-time student.
Create a schedule, and commit to sticking to it. This is both daily and weekly. Did you know there are 168 hours in one week? Most students wait until it's too late to get themselves into a routine. Set one early, so you are setting yourself up for success! Typically, full-time students are taking 15 credits a semester. This only takes up 15 or so hours where they are physically in class. Students don't think to "plan" out their study time.
Learn to use a calendar. Pull out all syllabi from class and plug in every assignment for the semester in said calendar. It can be a Google calendar, old-school paper planner, or newly created app. Regardless, you need to know when you have assignments due and plan ahead to get them done early!
Get involved. To help fill those 168 hours you need to be productive. What do I mean by that? Get a part-time job. Nothing more than 20 hours per week! Find a club or two that you're interested in joining. Check out of the Campus Activities calendar and attend events on campus that interest you. Regardless of what you do, plug it on your calendar!
Familiarize yourself with campus resources. I can't tell you the number of times students would meet with me in my office and say things like "I didn't know there was a Writing Center on campus" or "I don't even know where the Student Health Center is."
College is not the time to skip accommodations or stop taking medications. Seriously, this is not the time to experiment! If a student had an IEP in high school, carrying over the type of supports and accommodations you had will ensure that your student hits the ground running academically. Collegiate coursework is not to be taken lightly. Similarly, if a student was diagnosed with ADHD in 2nd Grade and has taken medication for it since, going cold turkey in college is setting yourself up for a major meltdown.
Exercise daily. Tell your student to factor this into your schedule and calendar too! Even if it's a 20 minute walk daily, or taking a yoga class at the Rec Center. The exact amount of time doesn't matter, and it is not all or nothing: people need to be active to be physically and mentally healthy! Exercise significantly decreases student stress. And if your student was a high school athlete, this is especially important! A lot of your son's or daughter's identity revolved around exercising, time management, and balancing athletics with school. Take away the athletics and you will have a mini-identity crisis. Even if it's just playing on an intramural team, you'll appreciate the recommendation later!
Create a sleep routine. Studies show that you need eight hours of sleep. Realistically, everyone is different. Regardless, you need to listen to your body and rest when you need rest. Pulling all-nighters for last minute assignments or video games is going to throw off everything! Urge your student to make sure to get to bed at a decent hour, sleep enough to hit REM, and take care of yourself!
Drink water! I live in Colorado and this is mandatory. Regardless of being at higher altitude or sea level, hydration is key to being awake and alert as a student. Again, dehydration will crush you and you will struggle academically. If the university hasn't given your student a free water bottle, I'm sure he can score one if he asks! Drink up!
Now, many college students will hear this and agree that all these ten steps absolutely needs to happen. They might even acknowledge that the tasks on this list are really simple. The reality, though, is that college students continue to slack off on what they need to do, and settle into the world of "I hear you, but that's not me." It's not them until they failed all their first exams, gained more than the freshmen fifteen, and feel so overwhelmed when sitting down to create a schedule that they'd rather shut down and not do anything at all. Denial and pretending nothing is wrong is a way easier approach.
Help yourself and help your college student. Planning ahead is no joke. I used to share the Benjamin Franklin quote with students
"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
College is a sink or swim situation. The students that take this list seriously in the very beginning are the only ones swimming.
If you are worried about your young adult sinking, consider pro-actively hiring a Transition Coach. If you specifically have a young adult with pre-existing mental health concerns, definitely consider this hire as an investment! College tuition is a lot of money to throw down the drain. Take the weight off your own shoulders and hire someone to help your young adult being successful on campus from day one!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
A Radio with a “Rescue Button”
How parents can support their young adult by not rescuing them when they hit the “rescue button” on the radio in college.
Let’s be real, parents and their young adults have never been closer. I’m speaking specifically about Gen X/Boomers and their Generation Z kiddos. It’s all about perspective because parents see it as being friends with their young adults. Who wouldn’t dream of being that close with their kid? As professionals though, we see it as enmeshment and dependence. Neither of which is healthy in allowing your young adult to spread their wings, work through the discomfort in navigating life alone on a college campus, and truly beginning to develop into early adulthood.
Full disclosure, I’m not a parent. The closest I’ve come to be a parent is adopting a puppy and raising it. Please don’t read this as an ill-informed comparison! What I’m getting as it that through the attachment with my dog, formed a constant anxiety around her well-being. Making sure she was getting enough exercise, eating well, and taking her to the vet when needed. These were all things I cared about deeply. Why? Because I want my dog to thrive. I worry about her when I’m not around. I want her to live a full life knowing she was loved. How my dog behaves is a reflection on me as a dog owner. I judge other dog owners in how they treat their dog, or how their dog behaves. This is a very real judgement. Can you being to make a connection between me parenting my dog and how first-time college parents are now acting? Again, not meant to be ill-willed!
This may be the first time these parents have been away from their kids, truly. They’ve been inseparable for 18 years. The last thing you want, as a parent, is for your child to suffer or your child to inflict suffering on someone else. You want them to be happy and healthy. Maybe make life-long friends in college, like you did. Or maybe meet the person they’re going to marry, like you did. Your expectations of their college experiences may have been projections of your own experience. Are you starting to see what you may have accidentally done without realizing it?
Even before the pre-college touring, application madness you did what a lot of other Gen X/Boomer parents did, in protecting your child. You were the helicopter parent, snowplow parent, or curling parent and you were okay with it. Pragmatically, you protected your kid. We get that. What you also did in protecting them was prevent them from building resilience, having their own milestones in experiencing discomfort and working through it independently, or building any type of foundation that allows them to critically think and advocate for themselves without feeling completely helpless and reaching out to you for assistance. That’s where we’ve got college students running into trouble right now.
It’s a week into their first college semester and they’re sending you multiple text messages daily about how lonely, uncomfortable, disconnected, awkward, etc. they feel. Now that they’re in college, the truth of what that entails are smacking them in the face. Another four years of schooling, by choice? A time where they must exhibit self-discipline, cook their own food, do their own laundry, and plan out times to study. It all sounds overwhelming if you ask me.
As a plea to a generation of parents who just helped move in their kid to college, please don’t rescue your college student (yet). You are the ones who just spent hundreds of dollars decorating a dorm room to make it look like a 5-start hotel room. During the final touches of decorating their space, you left a metaphorical radio. You let them know there was a “rescue button” that they could hit, and you would immediately have them airlifted home. You didn’t talk about parameters of when they could hit it, or from your perspective what justifies a rescue. You just left it there for them to use if need be. Like an open cookie jar for a kid with a serious sweet tooth. You knew they’ve hit it, just didn’t know when.
You also just dropped thousands of dollars on tuition, which even one week into the semester you’re already on the hook for never seeing any of that back. Although it may bring you to tears that your young adult is texting you, they wish you’d pick them up, don’t do it. In fact, when you see them next remember to take back the hypothetical radio. By doing that, you teach your kid how to advocate for themselves. They find the resources on their own to get the help they need. You did a damn good job for 18 years of being the resource of everything for them. Now it’s time to let them figure it out on their own.
Here’s the asterisk in all this. If after validating your young adults’ emotions (“I hear you that you are lonely, and miss your family.”), if your young adult completely shuts down and isolates – call in the troops. You can explore helping them withdraw themselves from campus. They can request a medical leave. They can get treatment for anxiety, depression, etc. and then return to college (not just that one) when they are stable and have the skills to be successful on their own. They may have been sent out too soon! Connect with a professional who can help your young adult! We see the difference in homesickness and being able to coach parents on boundaries versus seeing students with significant undiagnosed mental health issues. As a professional, we can be objective to this process and also help you, as a parenting unit, to learn how to be the parent of a young adult (read: someone far from home who successfully learned most of their life skills from you), instead of parenting a child.
The college transition is a tough time for both parents and young adults. It impacts everyone differently. How you respond (and rescue) your young adult will truly mark the trajectory of your young adult either becoming independent, or forever feeling dependent. And you guessed it… those who are dependent have lower self-esteem. Let’s help our young adults launch, and let’s help our parents learn to let go.
Credit: Original metaphor of “radio with rescue button” was pulled from “Not by Chance” by Dr. Tim Thayne.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Stages of Grief for a First-Time College Parent
It’s almost September. If you haven’t already dropped your first born off for move-in day, you’ve probably got the car packed and you’re ready to roll onto campus. Regulating your emotions is nearly impossible. You are anxious, your soon-to-be-college-student is anxious, and it’s hard to think about anything other than what’s to come. Everyone is on edge with anticipation. Between the stress of making sure you’ve got everything for their dorm room and the logistics surrounding your own return home, you probably haven’t given much thought to what it’ll be like once they’re gone. This, my friends, is called denial.
You’ve been on autopilot for a long time. Senior year of high school is non-stop with college applications, senior year events, and eleventh-hour family vacations. You haven’t wanted to think about this moment at all. You’ve worked tirelessly for 18 years to make sure your child was ready for this. They are finally launching into the post-secondary world, and then you turn around and everything suddenly feels empty. The reality of your loss is starting to set in. Technically you’re still their parent. Of course, you still care about them immensely and want to ensure their safety and well-being. This is when you start to learn about what you’re allowed to know and not know. Privacy Laws in Higher Education are legit. You find yourself angry at times towards anyone in your general vicinity, especially if you are trying to help your child. You aren’t even sure why you are so mad. This stage isn’t always common, so maybe you skip this step altogether. Maybe you don’t. It’s never a fun time when you’re running around angry. Hopefully this passes quickly.
Now that they’re starting their first semester in college, you really start second guessing their decisions. All along you’ve been nothing but supportive of their post-secondary dreams, but now you’re really questioning how you thought it was a good idea they go away. For out-of-state parents or parents of college community students, this loss is still the same. Things have changed. For those of you out of town, you may have booked an extra night stay at the hotel in their college town “just in case.” Or you call, text, email, Snap, or Tweet them with messages surrounding them returning home to visit as soon as possible. Or, you tell them you’re buying season tickets for football and you’ll be expecting them to tailgate with you every weekend. This may ease your anxiety temporarily, but can you imagine the pressure it’s putting on your child? They may not be going through the same process as you right now. You minimize your discomfort with them being gone by normalizing “it’s not that bad” to anyone who you speak with. Deep down, you’re on the verge of a complete collapse. Although it doesn’t entirely fit the bill, this can be called bargaining.
Come September, or October the depression will really be setting in. You haven’t seen your young adult. They aren’t communicating with you often, if at all. You feel really disconnected and you so desperately want your young adult to still need you. You are their parent after all. You have a lot of free time and don’t know what to do with yourself, even if you have other children in the house. Sometimes it feels like there is a ghost in your place. You find yourself upset often, especially when it comes from a place of you wishing your young adult were there. Why does it feel like I’ve experienced a death in the family? Not literally, but metaphorically you have had a significant loss. This is not something to sweep under the rug.
Once you start to acknowledge the elephant in the room and it being the reason behind your sadness, you can start to truly accept that they are finally launched. You can think about their experience fondly and wish them well daily, no matter where you are. You are proud of them. You hope they are happy and making friends. Instead of being constantly emotional, you find yourself more at peace. Excited for their future and how it will all transpire! You have begun to move forward knowing that your life is different. You appreciate the time you had with them and you will continue to cherish the moments you have with them when they visit during breaks.
Or maybe you don’t grieve at all. Maybe you are just so elated that your young adult is out of the house that you have a party to celebrate. This is very real for some parents! You may not shed one single tear. If anything, you’re just beside yourself with optimism surrounding your own next chapter. This is straight acceptance in a sense, yet without the rest of the grieving rollercoaster.
Regardless of how you handle your young adult going off to college, remember that grieving is very normal. You can wipe the sweat off your brow as you just went through a roller known as the stages of grief. It’s a real thing.
It is okay to react however you feel is appropriate for your own well-being. Sign up for a new yoga class. Go see a Therapist who specializes in Grief. Speak with a Parent Coach who works with adults during significant transition points in their life. Read some books on how to parent a young adult. Form a group of local parents who pick together care packages while drinking wine. Hell, even go on a vacation! Do whatever you need to do for yourself. You deserve it!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Top 7 Books for First-Time College Parents
After dropping their young adult off to college, parents hypothetically have more time on your hands. I’m recommending a few books for parents of newly launched college students to read. These books will bring relief during a time of sadness, humor in a time of navigating potentially uncharted communication waters, and a calm with the impending storms. Statistically speaking, college students will struggle. What we don’t talk about is that parents struggle too. Hopefully these books will help any parent who is starting a new chapter in their own life!
Generation Z Goes to College – The first book published about Generation Z in college. Although it is targeting those who may work in higher education to better understand this generation of students, it’s also a valuable resource to parents in understanding how their young adult may be seeing themselves as they experience college. Knowing the traumas they’ve endured during their lifetime will impact their success in college.
How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success – This book does not have to be for parents of college students only. In fact, this book may be more appropriate to pick up for parents of high school students. Regardless, this book really allows the parents to understand how their parenting does impact their kid’s ability to be resilience, interdependent, and their own adult.
Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years (6th Edition). Know that although this book was first written in 2009 when it was Boomer’s sending off Millenials to college, it’s edited to reflect college students of today! Letting go can be harder than ever thought imaginable. If a parent is close to their young adult, the idea of letting go is like shattering a heart. Take some time to read this as it will help ease the pain of the separation.
Release My Grip: Hope for a Parent’s Heart as Kids Leave the Nest and Learn to Fly – Grieving the loss of a child who has now left the nest is a very real thing. And we don’t talk about it enough. This book will help ease that sadness! Lean into it, it’s real. You will be proud of yourself in knowing you did the best you could with the time you had with them before they went off to college!
The Campus Cure: A Parent’s Guide to Mental Health and Wellness for College Students. This book is the most comprehensive and easy to navigate guide’s a college parent can access! With a generation of college students enrolling on campus with significant pre-existing mental health, this book is a must-read! Dr. Morris breaks down that college student’s may experience pressures, problems, and crisis. This is the parent how-to in supporting your young adult when, not if, they encounter a struggle within one of those categories.
The Naked Roommate: For Parent’s Only: Calling, Not Calling, Roommates, Relationships, Friends, Finances, and Everything Else That Really Matters when your Child Goes to College – A fascinating book filled with tips for every step in this process from navigating emotions the summer before, what to expect on move-in day, how to handle the “I’m homesick” phone call, and everything in between and after. For the parent that overthinks often with what to do/don’t do with your young adult and wants to be as prepared as possible for “what’s to come,” then this is a great book for them!
The Stressed Years of their Lives: Helping Your Kid Survive and Thrive During Their College Years. This book is also very insightful on what Generation Z is dealing with in college. There is no generation like them, and the price for perfectionism is suffocating our young people on campus. This book brings to light background information on this generation, and how parents (and professionals) can support these young people when they’re supposed to be having the “time of their lives.”
Bonus book (not yet released) which I know will also be an important read is Grown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults. Once this book is released, it's bound to be another solid resource for parents who are trying to grasp this phase in their young adult's life.
Seven is my lucky number. So I’m offering these top seven [with the bonus 8th!] as a tribute to good fortune these will brings the parents that read them, and their students in college. Take everything with a grain of salt, as everyone's story and path is very different from the next. Most importantly, use this as a therapeutic tool for education around what's normal, how parents can take care of themselves and their young adult, and what to expect while their young adult is away. Happy reading!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Prepping For College Self Care
As we head back into the school year, it’s important to recognize and honor all the mom’s out there hustling to raise kids. You are a Rockstar! This time of year can be beyond stressful with getting back into the routine of a school schedule, activities schedule, and playing tetras on the calendar with back-to-school events. For those of you with high school Seniors, brace yourself as you are about to take on another part-time job just for the college application process in itself. Seriously, it can be grueling.
Regardless of the age of your kids, your ultimate wish in life is most likely that they are happy, healthy, and successful. But nowadays, it’s not that simple. And you are going above and beyond to help them as much as you can! You are competing against, and sometimes working with technology. What’s become very noticeable for emerging adults now though, is that even with the best of intentions of a parent raising their child, these young people aren’t ready to launch when they graduate high school.
It’s not that you didn’t encourage them to participate in enough extra-curricular activities, take enough advanced academic placement courses, or save enough money from their part-time job to put a deposit on an apartment to rent. If anything, it’s the opposite. Our young people are overly involved, and overly prepared and driven for the post-secondary academic rigors that are waiting for them. Where our young people are lagging behind is in their emotional and social maturity. They just aren’t ready to be on their own.
In addition to you cheering them on at sporting events, making sure they did their homework, and completed their college applications now you may want to consider making sure they are able to complete some of these tasks independently. These are tasks that can be completed by students who embody resilience. Without resilience, we are setting our young people up for failure. And worse, you are setting yourself up for failure as well. Thinking you didn’t do enough, help them enough, or somehow blame yourself for their own struggles. Struggling is human, and it’s normal. We all experience it.
While you add onto you to-do list all these life skill milestones for your adolescent to ensure their independent success, it’s important to also make sure you are taking care of yourself. Prep for your own transition whether this is your first kid in high school, first kid in college, or you are about to be an empty nester. You need to take time to acknowledge the 18 years of hard work you put into your young adult. Hope the best for them as they launch into their adulthood, then turn to focus on yourself and your own well-being.
Read more: Critical Tasks Your Young Adults Needs to Master before College
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
6 Forms You Really Want Signed Before Your Student Enrolls in College
When your young adults goes off to college, it's imperative that you understand that even though you are the parent, if they are over the age of 18 you can be denied access to their educational records, mental health records, and any medical healthcare in an emergency situation. You are probably trying to decide whether this feels invasive having your young adult sign a few forms before anything happens. If anything, you might subscribe to the mindset of "if you will it, and it will happen." If that is the case, you can rest easier knowing that when the crisis does arise, you'll at minimum be informed.
You'd be shocked to know how many parents felt helpless during an emergency where they were told absolutely nothing because there was no release. This applies even if your young adult is on your insurance plan! They're of legal age. If releases are not signed, you are out of the loop. Period.
Now, this article is being written under the impression that you understand the differences between the Federal Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) and the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA). If you are not familiar with what each of these is and what it does, you may want to start with this article. In a nutshell, US privacy laws protect the educational and health records of young adults while they are on and off campus. If your young adult doesn't sign release forms to allow you access to their records, you have no way of knowing or seeing any of their records. No matter how angry or how much pleading you do, unless they have signed the forms preemptively, you will not be informed.
What are the Critical Release Forms that Your Child Should Sign for His Protection?
First, you will want a FERPA release authorized. Having your young adult log into their University platform and fill out the FERPA waiver will allow you access transcripts, GPA, academic probation, any disciplinary records, and all things that fall under financial aid.
This release form also allows you to speak with any professional on campus about your young adult's educational records. Prior to speaking with you, each staff member will log online to check that the FERPA release in the student's files. Upon confirmation, they will speak with you about any questions or concerns you may have. To be blunt, this release is not necessary for a parent to have. Most parents requesting this are interested in grades, helping with paying tuition, and speaking with an Academic Advisor.
Secondly, you'll want HIPAA authorization. There is no universal HIPAA form that is accepted by all medical and mental health professionals that you can use. You will need to find the specific HIPAA form for the college or university your child will be be enrolling in. Have them fill this out online before before they enroll. They use this as an extra measure to protect the privacy of students. It may seem like overkill, but in the end the university and medical providers legally are protecting themselves by protecting the rights of the students. If you log onto the Student Health website, you will most likely be able to find their form online. If not, have your student fill it out on campus as soon as they get there. You will want them to scan and email you a copy of the release for your own records. Having a HIPPA release allows you to speak with providers and have access to all medical records. You'll really want to have this! It's very important!
Keep in mind that if your young adult is seeking a therapist, they can request a "limited release" for family members. A student who would do that might ask their therapist to speak to their parents only about depression and how often they're coming in for therapy, but might also ask specifically not discuss a sexual assault or substance use. The student will have such requests in writing with the Mental Health Professional they're meeting with.
Assuming your young adult is on your insurance plan, you will also want to speak with an Insurance representative to ask if there is a HIPAA form they specifically need on file as well. Depending on if your student is studying in-state, you will also need to make sure you mention this as their coverage and forms may vary depending on location. Again, it's better to have it and not need it than not have it and to need the signed form.
The Psychiatric Advanced Directive: If at the time your student is enrolling in college he already has a psychiatric diagnosis and is on medication for it, you will want to create a Psychiatric Advanced Directive. This is a third form I would recommend to parents of college students. You can find these forms online as well. If your student is attending college out of state, you'll want to have one on file in your home state and the in the state where their college is located. Each state varies in what is included within this Psychiatric Advanced Directive.
The purpose of creating and filing out this document is to ensure that if/when your young adult has a psychiatric emergency, the person they assigned (you, in this case) will be able to make healthcare decisions on their behalf. Most importantly, it allows your young adult to identify their treatment team for coordination or care during a crisis, and what types of care the young adult wants.
An example of this could be identifying a specific hospital that your young adult would or would not go to in a psychiatric emergency.
A fourth form you will want is a Health-Care Proxy, also referred to as Medical Power of Attorney (MPOA). Having this will allow you as a parent to make medical decisions on behalf of your young adult if they are not able to. An example would be if they were unconscious or in a coma. If you do not have this in advance, you will not have access to knowing or contributing to the medical care of your young adult. It's better to have this form signed and never to need it, than to need it, and not have access to participate in an emergency! Please note that you don't need a lawyer to create this Health-Care Proxy. You will, however, need a state-specific form for for the state where your your child is studying out-of-state.
A fifth document would be the Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA), not to be confused with the Medical Power of Attorney. This form allows you access to bank accounts, credit cards, file a tax return, renew a car registration, etc. Not having this form would be most detrimental if your young adult studies abroad. The idea is that you are granted access because your young adult is unable to take care of such matters. The hope is that you would not need access to any of this, however it's better to have this form signed in case of emergencies.
The sixth and final document would be a Living Will. If your young adult has assets (car, pet, outdoor gear, etc.) you will want to make sure they have a legal document stating who receives these assets in case of death. This will ensure that their belongings will not be seized. This will also state whether your young adult is an organ donor, in case they cannot find any identification. You can find a generic Living Will template online. Your young adult will need to have this form notarized to have this document be official.
All these forms should be signed before before your child heads off to college. You will also want to make sure they as well as you have hard copies as well as copies online because you need to have a way to easily present the documentation to any health care providers!
These are very uncomfortable topics to discuss with your soon-to-be college student, yet the reality is you want to make it known that should anything happen while they are away they can be at peace knowing their family can communicate with anyone involved and ensure they are taken care of.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Understanding Privacy Laws that Obtain to Your Young Adult College Student
As your young adult heads off into college, it's imperative to know and understand as a parent how certain protections are in place for your child. Although you are their parent, if your college student is over 18 years old you no longer have legal authorization to educational or mental health records. Read below to understand how you can access these records.
The first law you need to be aware of is the Federal Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA). This is the law that protects your student's educational records. Under FERPA, you will not have access to seeing your student's grades unless they specifically log into their student account and grant you access. FERPA also covers any university staff from confirming nor denying they are working with your student and whether or not they can speak to you about your student. Believe it or not, this also applies if your young adult is studying abroad. Certainly you are welcome to try to speak with anyone at any time about your young adult's educational records, but unless you are granted access, the information you receive from the University representative on the other end of the phone is going to be extremely limited.
The second law is the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA). This law protects the privacy of your young adult's medical and mental health records. Anyone that your student sees for medical or mental health reasons cannot speak with you about your child. That is, unless your child signs a HIPAA release specifically from the college's Counseling office. Even then, the Counselor or whoever your student is seeing will not necessarily share everything. When a student in crisis meets with a mental health professional, the professional can have the student sign a limited release under duress to speak with the parents. As a parent, if you are concerned about your student you can call the Counseling Office or any other office on campus to check in on your child. There is no law limiting you from expressing worry about your student's well-being!
As a parent of a college student it's important to know the difference between FERPA and HIPAA. It's also important to be proactive and have this paperwork signed rather before anything happens, rather than not have it and not be able to speak with anyone when your student is in trouble.
One step you can take in being proactive is creating an "Advanced Directive" with your young adult. Typically these are for young adults with significant mental health issues prior to enrolling in college, but realistically anyone can create one. The premise behind it is that if anything were to happen to your young adult, there is a team of professionals who get looped to ensure the best care for your young adult. This includes having someone designated as a decision-maker for anything related to the care of your young adult. Examples of who you may designate to be informed on the Advanced Directive could be family, Counselor, Advisor, Dean of Students, at-home Therapist, on-campus Case Manager, etc. A prime example of where this could apply is if your young adult ends up in a hospital with an accidental overdose, you along with the rest of the team will be informed of hospitalization, and subsequent discharge planning. If such a situation comes up and there is no Advanced Directive, unless your young adult tells you about the hospitalization the only way you'd find out is when you received a hospital bill.
Learning about these laws and hearing some scenarios can be rather alarming for some parents to hear. It's important to know ahead of time that unless your student grants you permission or creates an Advanced Directive, you may be truly in the dark about what's happening to your young adult child on campus. It's better to be prepared and not need to access any information, rather than to feel completely helpless if something comes up because your young adult is standing behind the gates of the privacy laws that guard higher education students.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
It’s time to let your young adult handle things
Full disclosure: I’m not a parent.
After working in higher education and K-12 systems for seven years, I’ve had my share of seeing parents overstep in situations where their young adult could have done the leg work. This was all with the best of intentions, and yet the students I was working with definitely felt emasculated, embarrassed, and helpless. In an effort to bypass young adults experiencing those emotions, I’ve written about what I believe to be the top 12 things that I saw as a student affairs professional where it just wasn’t necessary for a parent to intervene.
1. Choose your child’s major
Let’s let them pick. Now is the time for you to let go of expectations you might have had for what your child was going to be, and accept the route they are going instead. You will be pleasantly surprised with what a young adult can do with a liberal arts degree!
2. Register them for classes and/or influence their schedule
Ideally if the young adult knows that they aren’t a morning person, they won’t be registering for 8 a.m. classes. Let them make that decision, though. The first semester is usually the worst because freshmen end up being the last to register for classes on campus. If they can make it through this one term, they’ll be able to register for a schedule that’s ideal for them. Now, if for some reason they are out of the country, or away from their computer during their registration time slot, it’s important for you as a parent to let them figure that out on their own. This is a scheduling conflict. It’s ideal that they problem solve on how to register for classes on their own.
3. Tell them which organizations to be involved in
Gosh, college can be about exploring so many new opportunities! You can certainly tell them what you were involved with when you were in college, and after that disclosure, just sit back and enjoy hearing about what they decide to participate in. If anything, just encourage them to get involved with something, anything. Let them take the initiative to seek that out, though.
4. Log into their e-mail address and send e-mails as if you were them
As a campus staffer, I can tell you right now that when an e-mail is sent from a parent, we can tell. There’s a distinct difference between how Generation X writes and how Generation Z writes. We do the best we can to draw out your young adult to advocate for themselves. E-mail is not always the best avenue for that. They need to learn to log into their e-mail to make sure they aren’t missing anything being sent to them — no matter who is trying to contact them.
5. Check their grades daily
I know a lot of parents who withhold tuition payment unless a Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) release is signed so they can access grades. If you have this agreement with your child, by all means that is your agreement. I strongly suggest you limit checking grades to the end of each semester only. That gives your young adult ownership of their academics, and it still allows the access to what you want to see in order to pay their tuition. You definitely don’t want to waste your money. Realistically, there are few grades given in each college course. Students won’t truly know the trajectory of their grade until within weeks of the semester ending anyway.
6. Contact their professors to challenge a grade, assignment, or ask for extensions
This is a big no-no. If you want your young adult to advocate for themselves, coach them through how to do that themselves. Don’t do it for them. If they are struggling with learning disabilities or mental health issues, have them connect with a case management office on campus who also help advocate on their behalf with faculty. As a parent, though, you need to understand that with FERPA, technically, faculty cannot even confirm they have your young adult in their class. I’d be shocked if they even responded to your e-mail. Stepping in to challenge a grade or ask for an extension can create a serious conflict between the faculty and the student.
7. Contact their advisor
As advisors, we tell students to take a series of classes based on their degree and matriculation plan. For a student who is exploring majors, we advise them to take general education classes that will count towards a degree once they declare a major. This also allows them to cross off majors they aren’t interested in. Our job is truly to teach each student to understand how to read the course catalog, navigate DegreeWorks, and take ownership over their college plan. When I was success coaching at a large university, I showed students how to create their own future schedules with what ifs for Plans A, B, C, and D, so when they went into their advising appointment, they were the ones leading the discussion around what they planned to take. That approach allowed the advisor to make sure they weren’t overlooking a prerequisite or double up in a content area that they had already met requirements for (i.e. Don’t take another science class if you have already met that requirement). This allowed students to really take pride in their future!
On the flip side, for the disengaged students that come into an advisor meeting and walk away with a list of suggested classes based on those general education requirements, it’s up to them to make sure they register for the suggested classes. When it comes to registration day, the student is the one who registers, not the advisor. If they sign up for classes that they don’t need, remember it was their hand that clicked the mouse to register. It won’t be until the end of the following semester that the advisor will catch what the student did.
8. Contact university administration to complain about not being able to get into classes
Yes, it’s unfortunate when your young adult doesn’t get into the classes they need. Sometimes it’s because they signed up for the last possible orientation date in the summer, or because they just forgot to register during their registration slot. Regardless, this is something your young adult needs to navigate with their advisor and the faculty of the classes they’re trying to get into. It would be more appropriate to contact a university administrator regarding a Title XI issue, or if you’re concerned about the safety and well-being of your young adult.
9. Wake them up for classes
This is something I say a young adult needs to be able to do even before they leave for college. They need to be able to set an alarm, wake up, and go to class. If their first class is at noon and they can’t make that, failing the class with be a natural consequence. College is a safe place to fail in this regard. Once they are outside of college and have a job, they will be fired quickly for not waking up or showing up for work on time. Your full-time student needs to treat their education like a full-time job.
10. Guilt them into visiting home or calling you all the time
One of the things we know about whether or not a student will be successful is if they are connected on campus. That could be socially, academically, or even physically. It’s so hard to let go and trust them to be an adult on their own. You can certainly ask that they reach out to you often, but don’t expect a communication schedule. If you haven’t heard from them for an extended period, it’s definitely okay for you to reach out to them. Just touch base. If they come home for the holidays, great. If they choose to go skiing for break instead, try not to be hurt. This is their time where they are forming authentic adult relationships. This is not the time to treat them like they’re regressing developmentally and need you as their parent.
11. Do any assignments for them
This is a hard no. If you make this choice and your young adult is found to have not been the one who completed their assignments, there will be serious repercussions. First, they could be dismissed for academic dishonesty. How would you explain that to anyone who asks you why your child left college? Another reason could be that your young adult is mentally unwell and you are thinking you’re helping them by doing their assignments for them. This is the opposite of help. You are actually hurting them by carrying out their coursework for them when they aren’t learning anything, and they’re not getting the treatment they so desperately need.
12. Track your student via GPS
Yes, I know of parents doing this. Talk about suffocating your young adult. This is where it’s appropriate: to have it on and not ever mention anything about it, except to see where they are if they’re out hiking, if they’re traveling on their way home and there’s inclement weather, or they lost their phone and can’t find it and are asking you to help them from a friend’s phone. When it’s not appropriate is if you know their class schedule, the location of their classes, and you check to see where your young adult is during class time. If you discover they aren’t physically in a class that started six minutes ago, and you call them to yell at them for not being in class, I’d consider this really over the line. When that young adult comes into my office, talking about their depression because they feel like they are being suffocated, it’s hard as a professional to help that student brainstorm how to take care of themselves when they have a parent like that. Now is the time to loosen the reigns, not tighten them. And try to remember they’re becoming their own person. That will never happen if they’re micromanage from afar.
If you are doing any of the above, I encourage you to take a moment and reflect on the emotions driving these actions. If you aren’t seeking your own help, I encourage you to do so. You can read some books that speak to navigating college in 2019 as a parent of a college student. I’d personally recommend The Campus Cure, The Stressed Years of Their Lives, or The Naked Roommate: The Parents Guide. If that’s not enough, I’d encourage you to seek out a parent coach. These are folks who are clinically trained, yet aren’t doing therapy with you. They are merely coaching you into how to be a different parent now that you have a college student.
Feeling overwhelmed with who to go with? Connect with a professional who can help you and your young adult now. This is someone who understands the grieving process of a parent and their maturing college student. This is someone who understands what young adults need to do to be successful and is familiar with this development stage in a young adult’s life. And this is someone who is creative and can help recommend resources to you and your young adult during the college years.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Pre-College To-Do List: What students need to be able to demonstrate doing independently before moving into college in August
The excitement about the upcoming move and start to college is palpable. You walk into a Target or Bed, Bath & Beyond right now and you can cut the familial excitement and anticipation with a knife. In between discussing which comforter your young adult would prefer, or whether or not to buy a printer, let’s sit down and quickly talk about the other important things that need to be checked off the to-do list before starting college.
Academically, your young adult is “ready.” Or so that’s the term that school systems use to measure whether or not a young person is capable of launching academically, socially, and emotionally into adulthood. Sadly, most of the stuff listed below is not necessarily something your young adult would have learned in the classroom. In a hail mary effort to make sure they’ll be able to survive in college, take a moment to walk through these to-do items with your soon-to-be college student!
Medication Management
If your child is on medication, they need to know a lot information around this. What medication are on they on? What is the name, dosage, and administration sequence? Have them practice filling a prescription, picking it up, and remembering to take their medications. This is a serious cause for concern if they can’t do it alone if they’re dependent on this.
Making and Attending/Rescheduling Appointments
This could include making a doctor appointment, seeing a therapist, or even scheduling a car appointment. They need to know who to call, where the appointment is and when. They need to plug it in some sort of scheduling system so they actually remember to follow through. In case something comes up and the appointment needs to be rescheduled, they need to make the call themselves. Just not calling or not showing up is unfortunate. And if their was a no-show fee, they need to pay for it out-of-pocket. That would be a damn good natural consequence and they would work hard to never miss an appointment again.
Understanding Insurance
This is a little open to interpretation and more wishful thinking as even I’m sometimes confused about my insurance. If your young adult is going off to school out-of-state, or out-of-area for your insurance, you need to make sure you’re setting them up for success with understanding what is and isn’t covered. They need to know if they have a co-pay and how much that’ll be. They need to know who their insurance provider is and carry an insurance card. In all fairness, they don’t need to understand the insurance policy in its entirety. That would be like asking them to learn another language overnight. Just make sure they know the basics and know how to speak with a professional about their insurance in case they’re being asked questions about it.
Waking up without assistance
If you are reading this and immediately went to “well, my child really struggles because…” I’d ask you to stop right there. When they have a job down the road, you are not the one responsible for making sure they’re awake and getting ready to go to work on time. A natural consequence for that would be that they lose their job. That’s rather unfortunate. College is a “safe” place to learn to fail in this regard. If your child registers for an 8:00am class but they don’t wake up early, they’ll fail the class. It’s not your job, nor anyone from the university (no, seriously!) to make sure your child is awake for their class each day. This is a life skill they need to master themselves. As they’re registering for classes for this upcoming fall, ask them to reflect on a realistic time for them to be awake each morning and regularly attend class. If the answer is noon, remember, this is their journey.
Asking questions
Being able to problem solve in figuring out where to go or who to talk to is one step. Once a young person figures out who it is they need to talk to, there tends to be this paralysis around “what am I supposed to say?” Doing some role playing with your young adult, or allowing them to be the only one who talks during appointments would be beneficial to master these communication skills. Taking it a step further and teaching them what open-ended vs. close-ended questions can also really help facilitate growth being conversational.
Completing chores
Ok, this might be silly. The reality is, moving to college the majority of students will at-minimum have roommates. Some will be a triple, or sharing a suite with other students. Making sure that your young adult knows the basics of picking up after themselves, taking out the trash when it starts to smell, cleaning out the toilet every so often, replacing the toilet paper roll, and/or knowing how to do the laundry. These are all what we’d say are common-courtesy, and yet nothing is truly “common” nowadays.
After you’ve sat down and gone through this list, if you realize your young adult is capable of mastering these skills with the last few weeks before the semester stars – I say “congratulations” to you as a parent for really setting your young adult up to be able to figure it out on their own. Some of the basic skills listed above can be transferable with any situation your young adult may enough on campus.
Now, if you’re reading these and keep telling yourself your young adult doesn’t know how to do those things or wouldn’t be able to (i.e. refill prescriptions) then I really encourage you to have a conversation with your young adult before they head off to school. For real. These are skills that adults need to be able to successfully complete independently. If they are still dependent on you for all of these to-do items, or most of them, I really charge you as a parent to have a conversation with your young adult about deferring going to college. These are skills truly needed before they move in. If you are continuing to do these things for them, they will never learn and it will only be postponed until post-graduation. The time to grow up and take ownership of mastering these skills is now.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
What to Do When your Adolescent / Young Adult is Using Opioids
If you recently discovered that your adolescent or young adult is using opioids, you have every right to react! It's imperative to focus on the family views surrounding drug use, as this will play a role in the motivation for change for your child. Responding to this discovery of opioid use rather than immediately reacting is ideal. An emotional reaction that includes a rational response with clear communication, information gathering, expressing concern, and emphasizing love, is the best. When you are in-the-know of your child's substance abuse it's hard to bring the rational brain on board though. Below are some quick facts on opioids, signs of abuse, and what you can do as a parent.
What are Opioids?
To put it simply, prescription medication (aka pain killers) and heroin. Some common addictive prescription pain killers are Vicodin, Hydrocodone, and Oxycontin. Heroin is the recreational version of opioids. It's also what a lot of young people move on to when they can no longer access pain killers. In fact, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse 4 out of 5 Heroin users started out abusing prescription medication. These are substances that provide severe pain relief. Someone with a lot of trauma can find opioid use to be intoxicating, for a lack of better words.
Until recently, doctors used to be able to prescribe opioids for chronic pain. Now the FDA says to only prescribe if it's the "last resort." If someone has a surgery, they are now prescribed non-opioid pain killers (i.e. Tylenol, ibuprofen), however if a patient is still in a pain, then they can prescribe opioids. There is a cap on the number of refills though. Sadly it takes next to nothing to become addicted to opioids.
Signs of Opioid Abuse:
You may be reading this because you already found out that your young person is abusing opioids. If you aren't certain but have a hunch, this section can help you come to a full conclusion if there truly is substance abuse.
Self-reported red flags will look like tolerance and withdrawal. In a very short amount of time, tolerance can build and a young person will require more pills to produce the same numbing results. Tolerance can build quickly. This can spiral to running out of prescriptions early, which leads into withdrawal. If someone was taking opioids to squash pain, during the withdrawal they would be physically struggling. What you will find more of is the psychological pain that is linked to withdrawal from opioids. These occur within as early as a few hours of the last dose. Common responses are anxiety and irritability, especially if the usage is a secret.
Other side effects might include sleepy or insomniac, dizzy, confused, and constipated. If you notice your young person driving in this state, I would blow a whistle! They could seriously injury themselves or someone else on the road. Constipation can be a cause of the irritability. And another obvious sign of abuse would be that money is missing. Opioids are not free. If the tolerance is high, it's definitely not cheap either!
As a Parent, What Must You Do?
Identify if there are opioids in the house and dispose of them properly. This includes other family members who have prescriptions at their homes.
Visit your local Pharmacist to request NARCAN. You will want to know how to use this, in the event of an overdose.
Figure out where the money for use is coming from. If your son or daughter has access to cash or credit cards, consider shutting that access down.
Now that you know that your young person is using opioids, attempt to speak with them and express your concern. Offer support in getting them help if they feel they are stuck and want out. Chances are, their words and actions will not align.
Consult with your therapist about your concern for your child's drug abuse.
Seek out a Therapeutic Consultant so they can help you line up appropriate treatment programs.
Consider hiring an Interventionist to assist in the process of getting your young person into treatment.
Find resources such a Beyond Addiction to read and better understand how you can help support your young person!
True recovery does not happen overnight. Your child has to be motivated to not use. Opioids require a medical detox, and the thought of that can be frightening. Family interventions can help with the motivation, yet it's not guaranteed. A family can want their young person to be sober and seek out treatment programs on their behalf, and it is wise to hire a Therapeutic Consultant for this entire process. Treatment programs and the recovery continuum of care for your young person is an investment. Treatment is not cheap! A Therapeutic Consultant can help a family ensure they are not skipping steps in the process, that the young person lands in the hands of ethical treatment programs, while the entire family system gets the therapeutic guidance and support they need as well. It's not a simple fix. Opioids can be devastating. If you know your young person is using, think of it as abuse. They may not look like the junkie stereotype, yet they are addicted just the same. Get help now!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Mental Health in Higher Education as a Financial Incentive
As institutions put the final touches on their annual reports and requested fiscal budgets, we’d be remiss to not consider how mental health initiatives can be a financial incentive in retaining students.
Retention in higher education continues to be a buzz word yet has been such for what feels like forever. This time of year, Directors of offices within Student Affairs are submitting annual reports and advocating for more funding for next year; specifically funding around mental health initiatives that will support and re-engage students. Sadly, these Directors and their employees will soon discover, if they haven’t already, that the further up the request goes the harder it is to get support! Let’s use an analogy.
Picture a jawbreaker. Yes, the tooth-shattering childhood candy. Each layer is a different color, flavor, and consistency. The exterior shell is extremely hard to just break thru, hence the name. Once you get through several layers to the center, the sugar can dissolve on your tongue in seconds. Read: the exterior shell as the Business-minded Administrators (Dean of Students, Provosts, President, etc.) on campus. Read: the interior as direct-care staff both within Academics and Student Affairs who are interacting with students daily. You may now begin to understand the political bureaucracy within higher education.
Let’s flip this script. If you opened a box of Jawbreakers only to find that the consistency was reversed, you’d find it off-putting bythe time you got to the center of the jawbreaker. To have a piece of candy so easily dissolve to then only getting harder the longer you have it in your mouth? No thanks! Now see that as the defeatist mindset that a lot of these Millenials as Directors of Students Affairs offices are experiencing. They see the need. They can easily get through to a couple layers, but once they get to the hard shell, they’re completely shut out. They might even break a tooth! Let that sink it for a second.
In trying to bring some institutions of higher education up-to-speed with Generation Z, it’s paramount that we navigate getting through the exterior shell. From the inside, Directors and direct-care staff are beating their head against a wall on behalf of their students. On the outside, professionals like myself are trying to crack the exterior to then get to those direct-care staff in an effort to help support college students. It feels like a lose-lose situation often. Alas, I’ve got endless drive when it comes to fighting for the mental health supports for emerging adults!
Retention will most likely continue to be a buzz point. Until there is a serious overhaul on how things are done in Higher Education, retention will be the bottom line for funding. What we can agree with is if it starts at the top, it will be taken more seriously. From a business standpoint, we can assume that Administrators are reading the research on the largest growing populations of future students. In seeing that research, they will find that those populations include Autism and students with pre-existing Mental Health issues. For the Administrators that read this research, they may see the opportunity for a marketing initiative. Recruiting could become a breeze! With the best resources on campus to serve these populations, a college will be highly sought after. Let’s briefly compare it to Athletics.
It’s like recruiting a Football player. You say “look at our facilities, meet the coaches, check out our campus, etc.” This football player wants to see that the programming is built around them so they can be successful at your school. They don’t want to walk in an see outdated facilities, unenthusiastic coaches, or a dilapidated-looking campus. Similar to recruiting for Athletics, colleges and universities need to seriously reconsider when they receive a funding request that will build out more mental health supports on campus.
Not every Counseling office has evolved. Disability Resource offices are typically understaffed for extended periods. Case Management teams are slammed and don’t have the ability to visit and research treatment programs they’re recommending for students leaving campus, which is a major liability. There is miscommunication and stigmas on campus regarding Medical Leave. Not to mention departments fighting over the bragging rights of “owning” a program to receive the credit. I only wish I could say this wasn’t real life, yet I experienced it myself when I worked on campus.
Classrooms also may not be outfitted with the most up-to-date technology which makes evolving learning needs inaccessible for future populations of students. Some colleges are truly still functioning like they’re in the 1930’s. Gone are those days! We need to bring every office, every department, every facility up to speed to support these students. The only way that can be done is if Administrators consider providing more funding for mental health resources and initiatives.
The irony behind this retention focus still leaves a large gap in the difference between first-year retention and graduation rates. I’m not calling anyone out specifically. I’m saying that graduation rates across the nation are abysmal. It’s the truth. Regardless, we need to seriously beef up the supports for these growing populations of students. The only way it can be done is if Administrators take a break from wearing their business lens and just look around campus. You’ll see student seriously struggling. Students that don’t feel like they belong. Students that withdraw from campus after only being there a month. Students that are desperate for help, yet have a debilitating fear of failure compounded by shame regarding a mental health stigma. They would rather drop out than get help. What if we explored providing funding to better capture that population from flying away in droves?
Let’s pop open a box of jawbreakers and let the flavors help us decide.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
The Differences between Therapeutic and Traditional Boarding Schools
When it comes to a high school education, it's imperative to ensure you're paying for the academic and emotional support that your adolescent needs. Today's adolescents are filled with anxiety, depression, and a spectrum of other mental health issues. So, while as parents you are thinking about their academic future, you must also focus on their mental health needs. In deciding on where your child should be attending school, there are a few things you'll want to consider.
First, it's important to understand the types of schools you can be comparing. The first category of school is Therapeutic Boarding Schools, previously referred to as Emotional Growth Schools. The second type of school option is a Traditional Boarding School. When researching the type of school for your adolescent, the distinction between the two is extremely important to note.
Believe it or not, this title Therapeutic Boarding School is on the decline. This doesn't mean that these types of schools don't exist. The majority of adolescents who find themselves at a Therapeutic Boarding School would have previously attended a wilderness therapy program. That's not the case for every adolescent, yet a high percentage follow this track. What is distinctly different about this type of school option is that it includes weekly individual, group, and family therapy sessions. This is paramount to the academic success of an adolescent who is struggling with mental health, substance abuse, or family trauma.
If this is the type of school placement you are considering, you may want to hire a Therapeutic Consultant to help you with recommendations. Programs such as New Summit Academy or Greenbrier Academy are just two examples of therapeutic boarding schools that can offer the therapeutic supports for young people while simultaneously providing a college-prep education. The National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP) or All Kinds of Therapy are great resources in searching for Therapeutic Boarding Schools.
If your adolescent does not need an intervention like wilderness therapy, the second type of school you can explore is a Traditional Boarding School. If you are leaning this direction, you may want to hire an Education Consultant. These individuals focus on the academic needs of your child and will make recommendations based on schools they have visited. They help you narrow down the options and know the best schools for the specific needs of your adolescent (i.e. learning disabilities). An important distinction is that a Traditional Boarding School may not offer the Mental Health Staff or Direct Care staff to supervise an adolescent with significant mental health or substance abuse concerns. Most Traditional Boarding Schools do not have a Psychiatrist or Therapist on staff. They will, however, have School Counselors and/or College Counseling teams to support the academic, career, and emotional needs of your adolescent. When searching for Traditional Boarding Schools you can refer to The Association of Boarding Schools (TABS) or National Association of Independent Schools (NAIS).
Some families are determined to do the research without hiring a professional. If that is what you are doing, here is a Parent's Guide to helping you with the process. In addition, here are some key questions to consider when speaking with potential schools:
What accreditation does your school have? Who is it through? Where will the diploma come from?
What interscholastic sports are available?
What is the total enrollment at the school?
Where do students typically graduate to?
What is the typical length of stay for students?
What does the family involvement look like?
In the end, the most knowledgeable resource about the differences in schools and the best type of fit will be a Therapeutic or Educational Consultant. In addition to the questions listed above, these individuals can provide exhaustive lists of questions for families to ask potential schools in regards to college-prep, community immersion, international travel, home visits, as well as numerous additional areas that need exploration while considering therapeutic or traditional boarding schools.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Avoid asking “Are you sure you can’t finish?”
How parents need to let go of their own academic expectations when their young adults say, “college isn’t for me.”
This is a good time to read between the lines; not listening to the words your young adult is saying, but rather the hidden message. Sure, they don’t think college is for them because it’s not. As a parent, you’re hearing one thing but they’re desperately shouting another. You’re associating them dropping out with never being successful in life. You’re equating their withdrawal to your own failure as a parent. This is so far from the truth! What you’re young adult is actually sharing is that they are struggling. To them, college is not a safe environment to get better. They aren’t thriving. Families need to let go of the expectation that they will graduate college “on time.” Regardless if you are a parent of a college Freshmen or college Senior, the message is still the same.
I’m not saying they’ll never get a degree. That’s one issue parents struggle with. There is a drive to be “on track” to getting your undergraduate degree, but know that college isn’t going anywhere! If they need to get a job and work for awhile before figuring out what they want to study, let them. If they want to travel (on their own dime) to grow up through cultural immersive experiences, let them. If they need to take medications or see a therapist to get themselves stable and less depressed, you definitely need to let them!
The stigma of mental health has little to do with young adults in college. In fact, Millenials and GenZ are seen as the “Mental Health Generations.” They’re in tune with what they need and they seek out support. The struggle lies in being vulnerable with a parent (or sets of parents) who are GenX or Baby Boomers. They were raised during the era where being successful only came with a college degree. These are parents with multiple Bachelors, Masters, and Doctorate degrees. They are of the mindset that the only way into adulthood, similar to their own path, is a full college experience. That’s not the case in 2019.
These generations were also taught to “lock it up” when it came to mental health. Hide your weaknesses, because being anything less than perfect and happy was unacceptable. Think about your 19 or 23 year-old who is aware they’re wasting your money and is struggling significantly with mental health issues. They finally muster the courage to confront you in asking for support, and might feel relief initially for being assertive in asking for help. Imagine being that young adult who immediately hears from their parent “are you sure you can’t just finish the semester?” How do you think they feel?
As a parent, you have to let go of your expectations. What every parent wants is for their young adult to be happy, healthy, and live independently. They won’t get that if you’re forcing your academic agenda on them. They want you to be proud of them. They also know you won’t be proud when they walk away with a 0.0 GPA and need more intensive mental health treatment because they didn’t advocate for themselves earlier. What parent wouldn’t be proud of their young adult who knows what they need and gets after it?
If you are a parent of a young adult who just returned home from the spring semester with little to no grades to show for it, or if you have a young adult already saying they can’t return next Fall, I encourage you to stop and listen to them. Hear what they have to say and ask what they need. Have a conversation, create a plan for getting help and brainstorm what they will do instead of returning to college. Remember, leaving college now doesn’t mean they’ll never return. It just means their mental health is more important than getting a diploma.
It’s so much easier said than done to discuss expectations. For something that is ingrained and so important to you as a parent, it’s definitely hard to let go of. The best way to think about it may be this:
“If I push for completing college now instead of getting mental health treatment, will they still be around to actually get their degree?”
It’s morbid, and true. Help your young adult out. Support them in getting help. Know you aren’t alone. Connect with a professional who can help your young adult! Not someone who works for a college or university, but someone who truly understands behavioral healthcare and the importance of getting your young adult connected to the best supports immediately.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Navigating the Collegiate Recovery and Treatment World
As more and more college-aged students are taking a break to go into treatment programs, it’s becoming harder as a Therapeutic Consultant to sift through to ensure treatment/recovery programs are what they say they are. Some programs boast partnerships with Collegiate Recovery Programs on the college campus, while others help residents continue college coursework while in treatment. Each program is fighting to provide an opportunity for their clients to see that college is not just possible, but a definite for someone in recovery. The bottom-line question is: how do we ensure that when we’re recommending these types of treatment programs, that they’re ethical, licensed and focused on the client?
The easiest way to begin this conversation is to breakdown accreditations and memberships. The first organization I want to highlight is the Association for Recovery in Higher Education (ARHE). They put Collegiate Recovery Programs (CRC’s) across the nation on the map. Fun fact: they’ve been around for over nine years! In case you missed this movement, you might want to get caught up. Colleges and universities are introducing recovery on campus in varying ways. This organization sends out a quarterly magazine titled “Recovery Campus” which includes research, announcements, and advertisements from treatment programs that specifically work with college-aged residents. I can’t help but notice that there is overlap in some programs advertising in Recovery Campus who are also members of NATSAP, NAATP or both.
The second organization is the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers (NAATP). They just went through a major overhaul in 2018 and ended up dropping over 100 members who weren’t upholding their ethical standards. Although a pleasantly surprising move on their part and simultaneously a significant financial risk, they are managing to thrive as an organization. Currently there are over 931 programs in their member directory, ranging in what services they provide from detox, residential, Intensive Outpatient (IOP), Outpatient (OP), and Sober Living. I am extremely cautious when touring a program that declares it can provide a one-stop-intervention from detox all the way down to Sober Living.
Accreditation that matter:
In addition to a program’s membership, if a program has a CARF (Commission on Accreditation of Rehabilitation Facilities) International Accreditation or Joint Commission Accreditation, to me, a referring professional, that means that the program took time and energy and resources to complete an independent accreditation process. CARF or Joint Commission seal on a website can mean numerous things. As CARF rightly claims, “CARF accreditation signals a service provider's commitment to continually improving services, encouraging feedback, and serving the community.” As opposed to a program who has achieved a Gold Seal of Approval through the Joint Commission, what we can glean through this process of accreditation is “the highest standards in the field.” Both accreditations represent a program’s effort in demonstrating quality care and third party assessment. If the program doesn’t have either, I will genuinely steer away.
As we professionals continue to tap into this network of treatment/recovery options, we really start to blur the lines between college counseling and therapeutic consulting. There are programs out there that are partnered with the colleges or are stand alone places. In the end, how can you be certain who’s client-driven versus who is motivated by college retention pressures versus insurance dollars? This complex determination is the reason an expert in the field is needed, to sort out the needs of the client, the needs of the family and the designs and treatment practices of the diverse programs. It is a constantly evolving puzzle.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
“My Young Adult is F.I.N.E.”
How we can ask more specific questions to ensure that our young adults aren’t struggling in silence and be honest about what they’re experiencing in higher education.
When asking “How are you?” to your young adult, have you ever wondered if there’s something more behind the curtains of their “I’m fine” answer? I wish I could take credit for the f.i.n.e. acronym. The acronym stands for “freak out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional” or, “feelings inside not expressed.” The words we use convey so much more meaning than what we’re actually sharing. As a parent, it’s time to listen deeper when you check in with your college student.
When I worked on campus, if I got the “Everything is fine” response from a student I knew that there was an oncoming crisis. This was nearly 100% accurate. If they responded with “things are well” or “things aren’t so well, and this is what’s going on..” I knew they had self-awareness and we could jump into solutions rather quickly. The students who said everything was “fine” were the ones in denial. They believed they could still get themselves out of the hole they’d dug for themselves. That is definitely not a simple task! There were no plans in place and no action steps to initiate that change, other than just speaking the words out loud and blindly hoping the problem(s) would disappear.
In my office, I had a comic by KC Green hanging on the wall. For the students who came in saying things were “fine,” I would point to the picture on the wall and sometimes ask “like this kind of ‘fine’?” It’s a 6-panel cartoon of a dog in a burning house who ends up getting too close to the fire because it keeps telling itself “everything is ok. This is just fine how it is.” If a student is in crisis and still in denial, this truly could be accurate to how they’re experiencing college at that moment. We need to ask them the right questions to get to the root of their issues.
In being more attuned to the language that our young people are using, and in being more aware of what are some common struggles on campus, you can really help your young adult. Dr. Marcia Morris did an amazing job of highlighting very common problems, pressures, and crisis that college students are facing nowadays in The Campus Cure. If you haven’t read this book yet, check it out now!
As a parent of a college student, turn up your active listening ear the next time you speak to them. Ask them how they’re doing. Ask them how you can support them. Make sure they aren’t sending out major hints that they’re covering up struggles. The opening up will only start if you are tuned in to asking open-ended questions and digging deeper if your student ever tells you “I’m fine.”
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
A University Withdrawal the Friday before Finals
How parents can support their young adult after an emergency withdrawal in college, and what is needed to be mentally ready to return.
Realistically, if a young adult waits until the very last day of the semester to withdrawal from their coursework it has to be seen as a red flag. This late in the semester, getting any tuition money back is completely out of the question. How could a student possibly throw an entire semester’s worth of coursework away, you ask? Well, a lot of reasons.
What is more common than not for a student to withdraw that late could really only be for extenuating circumstances. Situations that are so rich that the young person cannot cope with the remainder of the semester and completing a university withdrawal is the only way to salvage grades for that semester. What are examples of extenuating circumstances? A death in the family, an illness, or significant trauma. All scenarios where it would be unfathomable for a student to be able to focus on academics and succeed. These are bumps in the road that could have happened two weeks into the semester, or two months. Regardless, their impact was profound enough to uproot your young adult in being able to focus on their studies. It happens more often to young adults than we realize!
What does a withdrawal really mean? A withdrawal means all their classes show up as “W” instead of impacting their GPA. Maybe they were going to get a 0.0 GPA due to not going to any classes all semester. Withdrawing would preserve any GPA they might be able to protect. But by withdrawing don’t think students get away Scott-free from no impact. If a students has Financial Aid, a full-semester withdrawal can mean the difference of receiving aid and not moving forward. They have to complete a percentage of their coursework each semester in order to remain eligible to receive Financial Aid. For a student who is struggling with issues that are distracting them from being able to make rational decisions, the consequences can end up hurting them even more than whatever was impacting them that semester to begin with.
In addition to dealing with the aftermath of the personal struggles that you’re your student to withdrawing themselves, now they are dealing with the worst post-withdrawal response: shame. Often young people cannot separate themselves from what they did as shameful. They see themselves are being a shame, instead of what happened to them as something that can be healed. Shame is a nasty little bugger. When you are dealing with crossing t’s and dotting i’s to get back on track academically, in the back of their mind is a growing voice that will continue to kick them while they are already down. It is so imperative that as a parent you rush to be there with them, in solidarity and empathy.
Strongly voice your concerns of your young adult returning to school without having dealt with their traumas, grief, etc. That has to be the true definition of insanity. If you wanted to waste money, why not just put it in the fireplace and burn it? Sending a young adult back to the same university where they just withdraw, without having gone to get help for whatever their struggles (mental health, substance abuse, legal troubles, grief, loss, etc.) is setting them up to repeat the exact thing that just happened – having to make a decision where they walk away with no proof of their participation and effort, and a growing amount of shame. It sounds catastrophic if you ask me.
Help your young adult out. Help them get help. College isn’t going anywhere. Untreated and unhealed wounds will only fester and get worse. Connect with a professional who can help your young adult! Not someone who works for a college or university, but someone who truly understands behavioral healthcare and the importance of getting your young adult connected to the best supports immediately.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
College Suspension: It Happens
Knowing how to handle a suspension from a college or university and knowing what to do next.
Suspension happens. In fact, it’s a common occurrence. The larger the school, sometimes the more suspensions. Know that it doesn’t mean that your college career is over. In fact, it’s the university’s way of saying to a student: “Let’s hit pause, immediately. You need to make some changes. Once you’ve made them, come back and let us know and we’ll seriously consider your readmission.” What’s important to know is that there are steps to take, and steps not to take. I’ll highlight the distinct different in how this can be handled by the college student and their parents.
I got a phone call from a frantic out-of-state parent just yesterday. Through tears of hysteria she said to me point blank “I don’t even know what to do or where to start!” At the very end of this, I’ll list some resources for those who might be able to step in quickly to help. Know you don’t have to do this alone! In the meantime, let’s just jump right into how to respond to this situation.
Take accountability. At this point, there is no talking your way out of this. You are officially suspended.Know what you did specifically and own it. You won’t be proud of it, and you also can’t deflect ownership and blame it on the university. A suspension occurs when a university does not want to be liable any longer. Think about that. This is most-likely not some small one-time incident. What you did was a major no-no, or a series of no-nos. Be honest and tell your parents what really happened. As a parent, the best way to respond is not to react at all. No anger, no sadness, no threats. You are dealing with a young adult, not a child. By not reacting, you are demonstrating to your young adult this is there issue to deal with, not yours. They’re an adult and they’re dealing with the consequences of their own actions. They made their bed, now they have to lie in it. Now is the time to talk about natural consequences. You do not need to feel obligated to provide housing, food, and money for them. They need to understand responsibility as apparently it didn’t work out most recently. This is a lot easier said than done, but with coaching in the moment you can really show your young adult that this was entirely on them. Rescuing them is not recommended.
Know what’s needed to return. Typically when a student is suspended, the university will send an official letter of suspension with the necessary steps to return to the original address at which a student applied. Keep in mind, that letter may also include that you’re not eligible to return. However if you are eligible to return, and you are interested in just that, know what you need to do and immediately take action. A condition of return such as “four months of sobriety” could mean getting into a treatment program the day of your suspension. That way you’re eligible sooner rather than later to return. As a parent, know that this is not your responsibility. If your young adult wants to go back to school, help them read and understand the letter. Where I beg you to stop yourself is from following through or pushing your young adult into completing the tasks that were asked. If they want to return, they need to do it on their own terms and in their own time. This might make you beyond frustrated or concerned they’ll never follow-through. If that happens, you have to accept it. It’s their journey. If you brought them move back home, you need to set boundaries. Have an end-date of how long they can live with you. If they don’t have a job or have completed tasks to return to school by that date, they have to move out. Whatever you do, don’t bend on that date.
Let it go. If you are kicking yourself, stop. This is merely something you did. A serious mistake, or series of mistakes. This is not who you are. The shame game can be thick on this one. Try to view this as a blessing. Maybe that university really was toxic for you launching into adulthood. Reflect on your experience(s) and move forward with your life. Most importantly, know that college isn’t going anywhere. You can get a college degree later in life. As a parent, it is imperative that you not emotionally beat up your young adult. Try to keep in mind, they’re probably already beating themselves up enough. What’s done is done, and it can’t be undone. If you were paying for tuition, you can absolutely be pissed. Don’t let it ruin your own mood though. Just announce “if you decide you want to go back to college, it’ll be on your own dime.” Period. Then it takes the pressure off you. Not to mention you won’t be paranoid about whether or not you’re wasting thousands of dollars. As far are your friends who may scoff at your young adult for being kicked out, you can tell them in not-so-nice of words to butt out. Their opinions are irrelevant to the growth and success of your young adult. This is a massive learning experience. Give your young adult time to grow and do your best to ignore all the side comments from the neighbors. In the end, what they say is not important to hear.
When you get that call, especially if you’re out of state, know that there are professionals who can help step in quickly to your crisis to find a placement (if necessary) for your young adult. If the suspension was substance abuse related, professionals can help you with resources and can help tie up loose ends with the university. Go to the Therapeutic Consulting Association, or All Kinds of Therapy to find these supports. Know also that you don’t have to be in this crisis alone. There is an army of ethical behavioral healthcare professionals out there and we are ready to step in when you call on us.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.