Brace yourself: What parents can expect after your young adult enrolls into a treatment program
Even if your young adult admitted they needed or wanted help before enrolling, that will change. It will change because once they’re in it, they realize that in order to get better you have to face your issues head-on and do work. This is way easier said than done. There is discomfort in change. How that discomfort shows up though will pull on your heart strings.
When we say, “brace yourself,” we mean it. The shift in involved is not an uncommon occurrence. In fact, it’s so common we can practically assume it will happen. You can anticipate that your young adult will make at least one attempt to manipulate you into taking them out of the program, and as fast as possible. Pulling your kid from the program is a surefire way of making sure they never get better. And you, as their parent, also communicate that they also are uncomfortable and don’t want their young adult to get better. Seems like you did a lot of work to get them there only to unravel what’s been done in a matter of seconds. Don’t fall for this trap!
Depending on your kid, it can show up in different ways. Here are some very common examples:
They can threaten you. An example being: “if you don’t come get me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
They can list their regrets. They are trying to draw you in to hear them being remorseful. Certainly, they are sorry because they did make poor choices that got them there. Talking about it now doesn’t undo what’s been done though. Don’t let their surface apology trick you!
They share they’re magically better. Having been in treatment for a matter of days they acknowledge they’re already healed. All better! They are ready to come back home and do things right this time. They don’t actually need to be in that program, what were they thinking? What may crush you is if your young adult has been depressed for awhile and all of a sudden appears happy in wanting to come home, this will crush you. This is what you want – them to be happy and back with you. They’re an adult now. They need to not be living at home. And yes, we want them to be happy but returning home to live with you forces them to be dependent, which translates to low self-esteem. Don’t be fooled by their premature declaration of their well-being.
They can make promises. An example being “I promise I won’t steal your car again.” Or “I promise I won’t sneak out and drink anymore.” Promises at this point in treatment are all talk, no action. As the parent, all you want is to hear what they’re telling you. Unfortunately, you know better though. These are empty because they haven’t learned anything yet in order to change their ways. This is their rational brain trying to create a list of what you want to hear, so they can get themselves out of treatment.
They may share half-truths. They will say things about their experience that they know will get to you, and may not be 100% accurate. If you have always been concerned about their sleep patterns, they tell you they haven’t been sleeping at all. If you are religious when it comes to healthy eating, they’ll tell you they’re eating junk food only and the program lied about the diet. They will tell you they miss the dog. They will tell you the Therapist sucks, or that they are afraid of the other residents. You can be concerned, and before you swoop in make sure you verify their story. This is a chance for you to trust the therapeutic team you’re working with. Check in about what they’re sharing to seek an understanding. Don’t assume what they’re telling you is entirely accurate. Remember, they’re trying to convince you they need to leave!
They will undermine your confidence. Knowing your weaknesses, they will play on them. They will make your question your judgement and may give you pause. Comments such as “I’m not like any of the other participants here. This is not the right place for me.” Or “I can’t believe you would pay for me to be here. This place is a joke.” Even though we all know it’s a tactic in trying to get you to pull them immediately from their program.
How do you stay strong when your young adult tries to talk their way out of leaving? Well, you lean on your team. The program staff and your Consultant have seen this time and again. We have some suggestions we can give you.
Use this as an opportunity to get help for yourself too. If you aren’t sure where to start, consider hiring a Parent Coach. The The Experiential Healing Institute is a great resources to get coached and trained. They are former therapists-turned-parent trainers. They will work with you to change your patterns and behaviors. They help you break free of the system you’re stuck in. There are other parent coaching resources (Elevate Family Wellness Programs, Parent Coach Professionals, Solutions Parenting Support, etc. just to name a few), but regardless of who you use, make sure you interview several options before deciding who you want to work with. Having choices is good!
Load yourself up with additional resources. Speak with a Parent Coach, find an individual therapist, and find a local parent support group. Read books, especially one like the Parallel Process or Letters from the Wilderness of Modern Parenting to better understand what your young adult is going through.
Utilize the program’s parent support group. I can’t emphasize this enough. These will become your life-lines. Chances are there are parents who have gone through that same exact hump. Lean on their collective to hear how it changed for them and their young adult. You are sleepless with worry over not coming to get your young adult, and in speaking with this group you’ll learn that you can feel better by not rescuing them.
Understand and embrace the notion of a Commitment Letter - if that’s something the program does. You are not shaming your young adult because they aren’t already fixed. That’s not how therapy works. This is your way of letting them know you hear them in their discomfort, but you aren’t coming to rescue them. You are gifting them the opportunity to get better and the last thing you’re going to do is pull them out prematurely. They are in great hands clinically-speaking, so you have faith that your young adult will begin to heal. Now sometimes you have to set firm boundaries. What that looks like is mentioning that if your young adult walks out of the program, you still won’t pick them up. They’re on their own – financially, physically, etc. For a young adult who’s better taken care of their entire life, in hearing from a parent that they’re holding a boundary for the first time. Your young adult will stay in the program, and they will respect you more for not rescuing them.
Embrace the expression “Trust the Process.” This will become your new mantra. You need to understand that you are no longer in control. You will succumb to understand what is truly in your control. You had 18+ years to raise your child, and now they are an adult. You don’t have to control them anymore, nor do you need to try. The art of letting go can be truly liberating. Let this time apart in treatment be an opportunity for you as well to breathe.
No matter what they tell you about how wrong the program is for them or how they don’t want to be there, rationally respond by letting them know you love them, and that you support their decision for them to be enrolled in the program they chose. Period.
It’s so much easier said than done. Consultants will frontload to families to expect this. Families will repeat back to Consultants that they know to expect it, yet when the first attempt to get out of treatment pops up, everything the parents knew goes right out of the window. Let us support you when it gets to this moment, because it will happen.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
