Kicked out of college

Well, this could be another reason your young adult isn’t returning for the spring term. They don’t have a choice because they were asked to leave. Except, they didn’t tell you they weren’t invited back until the day before spring enrollment.

Seems avoidant to me. What do you make of it?

There’s no comfortable way to break that news to parents. Period. Especially if the young adult was lying all along about how much how amazing college was. They said they loved their roommate, they loved their professors, and they were making new friends. In truth, they were isolating in their residence hall room, binging on the latest Netflix Original Series and never once left to go to class. If you know how much your parents are spending on your education, and know you aren’t living up to their post-secondary expectations, why bother even getting out of bed?

Unfortunately, this is not something you can talk the university into overlooking. Your young adult didn’t go to class, and now they must live with the natural consequences. No, applying to another institution immediately is not in the best interest. To me, that’s the parents driving the agenda of “school, school, school.” Read that as “redrum, redrum, redrum!”  Terrifying? I hope so, because it’s meant to be! If they were asked to leave by the university, take this as an opportunity as their parent to get them help. Living at home because they got kicked out of school is a reward. We are not into rewarding wasting tens of thousands of dollars. At least, hopefully not.

There are several reasons a student could be asked to leave a university. For this specific article, I’m going the “didn’t show up to class, so academically suspended route.” If your young adult’s graduates are spotless and they were still asked not to return, you will definitely want to do more research.

No matter, it’s a real bummer they got kicked out. No need to freak out. There’s nothing that can be undone. Get them connected to a program, a community, or a job that will help them start to reflect on their experience and make better decisions for their future. You need to rebuild trust, as lying about doing well in school is a huge no-no. This is their unfortunate reality now that they throw away a semester of college. Kindly thank the university for not taking another semester’s worth of tuition from you and encouraging your young adult to grow up before coming back. As a parent, now push them forward into launching into life. That will not happen if you let them live at home. Regardless of whether or not they return to college in the future, they definitely cannot spend the next four to eight months living at home doing the same thing they did while in college: nothing.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

How to respond when your college student won’t return to college

First step: try not to freak out. 

Second step: listen and validate. 

Third step: have a plan!  

When the college student you’re so proud of drops the “I have decided I’m not going back to school” bomb, there are a lot of ways you can respond.  Notice how I didn’t say ‘react?’  If you react, it will most likely come from a deep-seeded place filled with subconscious beliefs and values.  Shock, frustration, disappointment, shame, and indifference are only a couple responses you might have.  Although you may be feeling all of these, for the sake of your young adult’s well-being, please keep them to yourself.   Freaking out will only create a traumatic moment in your relationship and send them down a shame spiral that may feel temporarily hopeless in getting out of.  No matter how much emphasis you put on education, right in this moment you’ve got to let that go.

Listen and validate is the best thing you can do.  “Okay.  That’s interesting.  What made you decide to not return?  How will not returning impact you? If this is a finalized plan, you will need to make sure that you withdraw from all classes so we aren’t sent a bill.”  And just listen.  Hear them out with their reasoning for why they aren’t wanting to return.  If it’s clear that it’s mental health related, make note.  Staying home to see an individual therapist locally will not be enough to relaunch them into adulthood.  If you are co-parenting, it’s important that you and your partner get on the same page – immediately.  If one parent doesn’t seem to think there is a problem with your adult child living at home without a plan, you’ve got a crisis on your hands!

College isn’t going anywhere, so validating them not wanting to be in school right now is normal.  In fact, they don’t ever have to go back to college if they don’t want to.  That’s not something that’s necessary to share in this exact moment though.  Set your boundaries after validating.  “Okay, we support you in not returning to college.  What is your plan though?  Unfortunately, your options are to be in college or do something else.  Living at home without a plan is not an option for you.”  Now wait for it.  Your young adult’s jaw might have just hit the floor.  Their mind is racing and what you can read on their face is the silent tantrum of “what do you mean I can’t live at home rent free, where you cook and clean for me, and I don’t actually have to work if I don’t want to!?”  Then the sadness washes over their face.  Why?  Because they don’t have a plan.  That’s where you can step in.  “I’m happy to help you create a plan.  Since school is starting in 6 days, you will have 6 days to come up with where you’ll be and what you’ll be doing.”

This may sound horrifying to parents out there.  Especially if you struggled with your young adult leaving the nest to begin with.  Let me be clear:  Every family that has hired me who had a young adult who had left college and was living at home – they’d worn out their welcome.  Every single client.  The parents were at their wits end and feeling rather hopeless themselves. 

For anyone reading this who has a young person in this exact situation, brace yourself.  If you don’t have a plan, they may be living with you for the foreseeable future.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Not returning to college is okay. Not having a plan is not okay.

For college Freshmen who did not enjoy their first semester, not returning for the spring semester is an all-too-real choice. Whether they have withdrawn from their classes without any timeline of returning, or requested a medical leave for the spring semester, everyone is now staring down the barrel of eight months of unstructured time. For the parents who were excited to help their young person launch, this return to the nest so soon can feel like a reflection on their parenting. Returning to the nest is not a failure. Not having a plan for them when while their peers are returning to school, now that’s where the issue lies.

As a parent, it is no longer your duty to care for your legal-aged adult. If you don’t want them to be in your home, you can set that boundary.  It may come off as heartless, but if that’s your interpretation I fear you are missing the point. The point is to express the importance of the parents having control over who they feel financially responsible for. In agreeing to support them not returning to college, your young adult will feel validated. For whatever their reasoning (academically too stressful, didn’t make friends, etc.), they did not feel comfortable going back. Okay! That’s totally normal. Where you need to be on your game, is to let them know if they don’t go back, they cannot stay with you. Ask them what their plan is. If they don’t have a plan, help them create one.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

This is a quote I used to share with the college students I worked with regarding prioritization and organization. The same now goes for parents of a young adult who’s withdrawn from college. If they requested medical leave, they need to go to a residential treatment program. Period. Staying at home is not therapeutic. In my view, it’s a young adult stalling out or circling the drain. Neither is a pretty picture when it comes to launching into adulthood. If they aren’t going to school or staying at home, what are their options? Honestly, they are endless. Below are merely five of the top resources I would consider looking into.

• Gap Year (be mindful if your college student is struggling with mental health issues, most of these programs cannot accommodate that clinical need. It’s best to ask an Expert!)

• WWOOF

• Join the Military

• Find a Seasonal Job

• Hire a Therapeutic Consultant (to help your young adult find an appropriate treatment placement)

If you want a basement dweller, then disregard all the advice and options listed above. If you don’t take this seriously, you will blink and have a 30-year-old-toddler still living in your home. Sound terrifying? I hope so!

Help your loved one relaunch by creating a plan today. Do not waste another moment in establishing the roles, rules, and the options.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

What it means to be "off track" to graduate

How everyone can learn to let go of the emerging adulthood timeline.

Colleges are just as concerned about this topic as a parent may be.  From a university perspective, they want [read “need”] their students to graduate within the 6-year cohort.  If they are a state institution, that’s how they get some of their funding by demonstrating their increase in graduation rates.  They do want the student to be successful and thrive on campus, and at the end of the day they are also thinking long-term about their business overhead.  Don’t believe me?  Ask any university how they operate.

For parents, the concern comes from a place of fear.  If their young adult just failed a semester of classes, or if they are advocating or needing to enroll in a treatment program and withdrawing from campus.  A parent’s biggest fear is “will they still be on track to graduate if they take a semester off?” or “will they ever return to college if they leave now?”  The answer to both is “it depends.”  A student who is struggling with mental health and substance abuse issues is guaranteed to not be on-track to graduate if they continue to not get the help they need.  Not only that, they tend to dig themselves into a huge hole academically they sometimes inhibit them from ever being able to graduate and/or feel successful.  And to the question of whether or not they’ll return if they leave, that also depends.  Yes, I understand that college is the expectation across the US and world for that matter.  Realistically though, a lot of young people don’t like school.  They also don’t need a college degree to be happy and thriving in adulthood.  Anyone in higher education right now is probably shaking their fist at me.  I shake mine right back for pushing hard to retain students who probably would have been better off never been accepted in the first place.

Let them work, heal, and do what needs to be done before the conversation about returning to college is ever broached.  They may start in a career path that they love and never need a college degree.  Or they may work for five years and then make their own decision to return to school to specifically get a degree that will help them being promoted within their industry.  The only degree that’s non-negotiable is a high school diploma, but that’s another conversation for another day.

Let’s shift our perspective on this topic and transform fear into acceptance.  Instead of viewing your young adult as “off-track” or not on the same path as their peers, consider viewing it as them actually being “on-track” to being healthier, happier, and otherwise in a place they need to be, rather than on campus flailing.  The only entity in this story that will really not be pleased about the outcome of leaving a college campus is the university itself.  In reality, they have hundreds if not thousands of students leaving already, so this isn’t a new phenomenon.  Just shift your perspective.  You may be surprised with how quickly your young adult begins to thrive the moment they step off campus and get the help they really need. 

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Winter enrollment in an Outdoor Behavioral Healthcare program

How treatment during winter can have more impact and be safer than one realizes.

If an outdoor behavioral healthcare program is what’s most appropriate for a client, I will present some options to families to consider.  Most locations can be found in the far reaches of the US, which parents struggle with.  Add the element of coldness in winter, and parents immediately start asking if there are “warmer locations” for their loved one to be in treatment.  I am always firm in the recommendations that I give, not because I don’t hear the concern from the family.  The recommendations I give are due to programmatic structure and outcomes, specific therapists that I believe will work wonders with my client, the family’s budget, if there is space in a group, and whether or not my client would fit within said group.  What I often think to myself is that the problem is bad enough now, so enrollment in the winter will be more impactful than waiting another six months until it’s warmer outside.  That’s not for the betterment of the young adult, but rather to allow the parent to feel more comfortable with the idea of their loved one being outdoors.

Enrolling in a program, no matter the time of year is messy and uncomfortable.  Your loved one needed this type of intervention, and they probably weren’t ready for it until now.  Feeling guilty about your loved one being outside in the winter won’t do anything except make you, as a parent, uncomfortable.  They’re well taken care of when they’re outside.  If you are really concerned about whether they’ll be physically safe, just ask the potential programs.  All of them have significant risk management in place, which includes appropriate gear, nutrition, hydration, programmatic changes, and training for staff.  Field staff are constantly in touch with “base-camp staff” to ensure they know of incoming storms, follow protocols around temperatures, and communicate around the overall health of the current participants.  Winter is not something programs take lightly.

While I was a field staff many, many moons ago there was one week where the temperature never rose above -18 degrees F.  Now that was an anomaly, and yet the clients rarely complained.  I remember that week vividly.  It was a true testament to self-care, and I can safely say that no one left the program or was worse the wear for living that week in the field.  Your loved one is probably more capable of adversity than you may give them credit for.

Why I believe Outdoor Behavioral Healthcare can be more impactful that a treatment program indoors is because being outside forces a loved on to do the work.  They must be in the moment, which is hard for Generation Z.  Enrolling them in a program with a roof over their head, heated blanket, and access to a town may not be enough of what they need.  It’s not a camp.  I like to tell my clients that it really “cracks you open and builds you back up,” because for the first time in their lives they must learn to truly take care of themselves.  A lot of parents are still fearful of what to expect in a wilderness therapy program, and if you go to Google it’s hard not to let your imagination run wild.  Not sure how safe it is?  Consider reading through some recently published myths around wilderness therapy.  The truth may help you sleep a little bet at night.

What’s almost important to highlight is that what is physically uncomfortable for one person may be completely different for another.  For me, I thrive in the winter.  I’ll take being outdoors in the winter any day over hot and humid weather.  But, to each their own.  We need to be mindful of making recommendations for treatment not on what makes us more comfortable but keeping in mind what the person going into treatment will need the most.  Let them be a part of the decision and process to ensure they know what they’re getting into.  You’d be surprised the number of young people who’d be more accepting of being outdoors in the winter months.

Also, keep in mind that winter looks differently in different regions across the US.  Reading a thermostat and seeing single digits doesn’t mean that it feels horribly cold outside.  In a high desert, when the sun rises above the horizon line it can feel rather hot in a short amount of time.  Again, to each their own.

Wilderness is just the beginning.  Young adults see their parents as vehicles to get what they want.  You, as a parent, can’t do this for your young adult anymore.  They can only start to change if you give them the opportunity to do so, and in an environment where they must adapt.  Wilderness is just the beginning.  Also note, there’s no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.  Every participant in an outdoor behavioral healthcare program in the winter has all the appropriate gear they need!

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Treatment is a gift

The holidays tend to be littered with gift giving, family gatherings, and celebrations for a multitude of reasons. What most people don’t realize, is that giving the gift of treatment can be a positive thing. You see, paying for treatment can be pricey. Most families don’t know this until they are in a crisis and needing to enroll their loved one in treatment. The cost can feel like a burden, specifically like buying a second home as an investment in the well-being and life of your young adult. Instead of paying for another semester of college tuition where they are unhappy and struggling, or giving a car as an obligatory right of passage, maybe this holiday season consider the gift of paying for treatment.

I say it’s a “gift” because those who come out on the other side tend to feel immense gratitude and appreciation. They are on a healthier trajectory, and the entire family system can sometimes begin to breath. No, I’m not insinuating that everyone that goes through treatment comes out like roses and rainbows. Going to treatment is just the beginning of a long journey for change. Depending on how old your loved one is, you need to factor in the years of “undoing” what the brain has been trained to do for so long. This process is a marathon, not a 5K race.  

What’s the price point between those races? Well, typically a 5K may cost $35 or so if you register early bird. A marathon is a guaranteed $120 or more, and that’s months in advance of the race. How does this translate to treatment? Well, paying for an individual therapist would be like a 5K. It can be short term, it’s much cheaper than a residential placement, and there’s a lot of options to pick from (especially if you’re in an urban area). That’s not a knock on individual therapists! Residential treatment, like a marathon is all-consuming.  It’s intense. It takes hours of each of your day to “train” and do the work. You often find yourself signing up for a marathon in beautiful destinations, and they certainly aren’t inexpensive. Do you feel amazing afterwards? It depends on who you ask. You’ll certainly feel the pain of all the work you put in, and yet mentally you’ll be brought to tears for the progress. Your loved one would have completed something they never thought they could have. Transfer the training for and completing a marathon to being in treatment and months of sobriety. Before you start the training, you don’t think it’s possible. It’s only after you finish the race that you realize your own potential.

For the holidays each year, I tend to gift myself a race registration. It gives me something to work towards, and I typically sign up for something I don’t think I’d be able to ever do otherwise.  In working in the behavioral healthcare industry, I now have so much more appreciation for the creativity in finding funds to help a loved one when they really need it. This experience can be the most monumental investment a family ever makes. As you are doing your holiday shopping and gift giving, reflect on what is most important. Is another sweater in your son’s closet going to help him launch into adulthood? Or what about a no more cash to your other child who you suspect is using it to buy drugs? You may want to cross out the shopping list and consider hiring a Therapeutic Consultant to help you find a treatment program for your loved one.

Happy holidays!

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

It’s all about perspective.

From the outside, you may look like you have it all. You may look like you’ve got it together, that you have a bright future. Let’s be real though, as you’re only showing a fraction of what life is really like. This is how social media morphs perspectives.

From my perspective right now, life is a daily struggle. I’m a female entrepreneur who elected to start my business from scratch and build it up my own hard. You can say I’m hard-headed and I won’t be offended. I struggled to see how I fit into someone else’s path, so I blazed my own. With that comes significant daily risks and struggles. But what I show to most people who are looking from the outside in are the images of a brave woman. How am I really on the inside? Sometimes a brave woman, no doubt. Other times, a terrified human being that the empire I’m trying to build is far more intense than I am ready to tackle. The struggle is real.

Someone told me just last week that they thought I was “killing it” from their perspective. This was based on the articles I was writing, posting on multiple social media platforms, and by their attendance at one of the recent conference presentations I gave. This is someone I admire and respect, and yet I completely realize it’s all about perspective. She doesn’t necessarily see the struggle. And to be honest, no one really wants to hear the truth when they ask “how is the business? How are you really doing?”

Only a handful of my closest friends are privy to the reality of my concerns. Will I be able to pay my bills this month? I honestly can’t say. It’s my emboldened drive though that keeps me hyper-focused on my future. The future where I know for certain I’ll be “killing it,” yet real-time me right now wishes I could fast forward as quickly as possible to get there. But then I’d be skipping all the growth and building I have yet to do.

It’s all about perspective. When you see someone, whether it’s who they are in person or who you are reading and seeing online, remember that what you’re seeing is just one point of view. A different angle from what the other person is seeing. Sometimes that’s helpful to be able to remind them that there is light at the end of their tunnel. Other times its helpful to pull them out of their tunnel vision where they are headed straight for disaster. Regardless, we need to remember that every image we see, somehow is seeing it from a different lens. But we all know that everyone struggles. It’s not normal to be perfect all the time. In fact, it’s not normal to be perfectly happy half of the time.

Take care of yourself. Reflect on your own perspective. Remind yourself of others’ perspectives. Try to envision what they’re seeing and experiencing. Remember that votes of confidence aren’t always helpful, especially if someone is secretly struggling.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

All the feels when dropping your young adult off into treatment

The emotional roller coaster ride of what you’ll feel before, during, and after your young adult goes to treatment.

I recently witnessed a parent give their testimony of their experience in dropping their young adult off. Even years after that exact moment, this parent was still very emotionally shaken. It was evident it was exhausting. From an audience standpoint, it was hard not to get pulled into her emotional experience.

Now, every parent and their emotional attunement is different. I think it’s important to know that although we are unique, the actual emotions that are felt can be normalized. They can be felt across the nation, and world, for parents struggling with keeping their young adult alive. In no order, it’s important to talk about how some of these emotions show up.

First, the moment you get them into a program is complete and utter relief. Even if they quickly turn around and try to convince you to pull them from the program, you are still able to breath for the first time. If your young adult was abusing substances, you might feel this more than other parents. Especially if you were constantly worried about where your young adult was, if they were alive, and had no way to contact them. That can be extremely stressful and nerve-wracking.

Once the dust has settled, your sense of relief may then transform into a sense of guilt, shame, and lock-yourself-in-your-room kind of sadness.  First, it’s okay to feel guilty and sad. It’s time for you to start allowing your emotions to flood out as you’ve most likely been so angry and worried for so long that it’s forced these other emotions to take a backseat. Now, if you don’t know the difference between guilt and shame, you need to educate yourself immediately. It will make your life so much harder if you bring shame on yourself for where your young adult is. That has nothing to do with who you are as a person. It might have something to do with how you parented, or didn’t parent, but that’s still not who you are as a person. Make note!

After crawling out of the sadness, often parents find themselves locked into this dichotomous situation where they are resentful of their young adult for the past, and yet beyond anxious for the future. By the time a parent gets to this place, the young adult may be showing signs of remorse, gratitude, and contemplation for changing in the future. The question we often hear parents asking are “is my kid truly different/better?” and “Will it really stick this time?” That’s a tough predicament, and most parents have been there. You want to “Trust the Process” and yet how do you do that when you’ve got years of mistrust to work through? 

If you haven’t already connected to your own therapist to do your own work by this point, it’s important you consider it. Resentment can really sabotage your young adult’s progress post-treatment. If you are holding on to what was done before, it’s easy for the young adult to then feel like a burden and if they aren’t strong enough this is a prime place for them to relapse. When parents ask me “what are the success rates of this program?” long before enrolling in treatment, my answer is always “it depends on how much work you do, not your young adult.” If the parents don’t do the work too, then treatment can be a complete wash. Truly.

Now, if you get through treatment long enough to hear talk of what comes after, then you might be feeling very confused and indecisive. There are several things important to note here. One, treatment is not a 30-day process. There is research out there to say that one year of being in recovery programming can exponentially help with long-term sobriety. That’s not something that you hear about before enrolling your young adult into a short-term residential or wilderness program. It’s not a one-and-done situation. This is a marathon, not a sprint. And long-term treatment can be a very expensive investment in your young adult. You want to make sure you aren’t deferring to Google to help find a program or throwing spaghetti on a wall to see what sticks. Both options are equivalent. What doesn’t stick will be a lot of money down the drain for you!

If you’re indecisive or uncertain of where to even begin to look for ethical programs or programs that will be best suited for your young adult to have this continuum of support, it’s important to consider hiring a Therapeutic Consultant. This is the work we do, and we want our clients [read: the entire family system] to get well. We visit programs so we can connect you with the best fitting program. When it comes to investing in your young adult’s long-term recovery, think about investing in a Therapeutic Consultant. It may just be the best decision you ever made.

In the end, you’re allowed to have all these feelings. What you do with them will determine part of the path that your young adult with walk down. Make sure you’re getting your own therapeutic supports. Once everything is said and done, you can only control yourself and how you respond to the world [read: your young adult]. Taking care of yourself is the best way to enjoy the rest of your life.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Getting your 18 year old (or older) into Treatment

A lot of adults believe that once their children turn 18, they no longer have the ability to control aspects of their life. It’s important to know that that’s not entirely accurate. I am called often by parents of a 17 ½ year old who try to explain to me that the moment they turn 18, they lose all authority. It’s a crisis-like example of the clock striking midnight for Cinderella. Instead of turning a dress into rags, it’s like your child magically becomes off-limits. In this article you’ll read ways in which you still can help your child even after they legally become an adult.

Turning 18 has less flair now than it did 30 years ago. And we know in becoming a legal adult, it doesn’t automatically give someone the gifts of maturity and flawlessly navigating adulthood. We know the brain has several years of development, and impulsive behaviors run rampant. That could include substance use, sexual relationships, and academic endeavors. Life is a series of choices and if you are holding the purse strings, it’s important to know you can direct your loved one to stop or get help. The same goes for when they are struggling with mental illness. It’s not your job as a parent to just sit on the sidelines and let them struggle, unless that’s what you want to do.

If you are desperate to get your young adult help, there are some steps you can take to help.

1. Let them fail. Failure is a part of life. Set them up so that when they struggle, you make yourself into the “safe person” to vent to and problem solve. They, in fact, do not want you to solve anything. They just need a sounding board to try things on. When you’re in this position, you end up being able to drop hints about options for the future that allow for success without being the one to “tell” them they need help or treatment.

2. Hold boundaries. If they are using you as an emotional or physical punching bag, get yourself out. If you are paying for anything for your young adult, you can shut that down immediately. Do not cave, as you will learn rather quickly if you stay strong in holding this boundary, that you are serious. If they are financially dependent, they will come back crawling rather quickly. Have a plan in place. Say something like “I am willing to pay for you to get help, but I will no longer willing to financially support you otherwise. This includes paying for an apartment, care payments, health insurance, car insurance, food, and giving you an allowance.”

3. Get trained. A lot of the parents I work with get stuck in patterns with their young adults. They become emotional flooded constantly because they are irate, worried sick, and feeling beyond frustrated. You have the same arguments in the same location over the same issues, daily or weekly. If you are ready to break the cycle, it’s beneficial for you to get trained.

4. See a Therapist. We want you to grieve the loss of being a parent of a child. Your child is no longer an actual child. It’s important for you to learn to be a parent of an adult, and make sure you’re speaking with a trained professional about it.

5. Seek the help of professionals. Hire an Interventionist. I’d specifically recommend those that are clinically trained. You want to make sure you’re not traumatizing your loved one or yourself for that matter. Also hire a Therapeutic Consultant. That way once your loved one agrees to go to treatment, you have someone who has lined up an ethical treatment program and will provide case management and continued care support throughout the duration of your loved ones’ treatment journey.

6. Research Guardianship/Conservatorship options. This is for parents of young adults with significant mental health or medical issues who are unable to care for themselves. This is a legal process, so it’s important to note this takes time and financial resources. Each state has different requirements and repercussions regarding this process, and most treatment programs will only accept a young adult who is “willing” to be there. So even if you move forward with this process, you may have less options for treatment programs.

7. Know it’s okay to say no. If you just don’t want to provide financial support, including getting treatment, that’s entirely your choice. Depending on how you feel about your young adult, they may learn to quickly get themselves together or they may just disappear altogether. You have to be strong enough to handle however that plays out. You must take care of yourself. If you drain all your financial resources on your loved one, what will you have left for yourself?

No matter how this plays out, you must let go of the image you envisioned of how your young adult would be once they entered adulthood. Clearly something is off, and although you may be holding on desperately to that vision of success for your child, you need to be open to accepting who they are, and who they will become. Let this image die with grace. Mourn the image to allow yourselves to be present for what’s currently happening. This image is often the biggest factor in parents causing situations to get worse; thus, destroying the relationship entirely. Start from a place of honesty for yourself. Only then can they truly see the “adult” in front of you and not seen as “my child.” They are struggling, and it’s important that you allow for a process of change that is supportive.

Helping a loved one get help can be hard to navigate alone. Know you don’t have to do this alone. That, and anyone at any age can go to treatment. There is still a stigma associated with getting help and know that just because someone becomes a legal adult doesn’t mean that you can’t influence them getting into treatment. Know that you have options to provide support, and just because someone turns 18 doesn’t mean that your hands are tied.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

The Dangers of Vaping

There has been a lot of media responses to the every-growing use of vaping in adolescents. If you haven't taken a moment to read any of the articles written or listen to stories shared, you may want to take some time to do that. The information available cannot be more frightening, and as a parent, you will want to ensure your adolescent is not using.

It's also important to understand there are simultaneous concerns around vaping both nicotine and cannabis, specifically THC. As we know, nicotine is highly addictive, and products such as JUUL have done an amazing job of marketing to young people. Some of the flavors are highly sought after; some of these include chemicals we can only assume are harmful to development.

As a parent, you may not notice a difference in behavior or symptoms between someone vaping an e-cigarette or a THC cartridge. For a growing mind and body, neither can truly be beneficial. Without being familiar with information out there around vaping, you may decide that getting your young person to stop is a battle you'd rather not pick. If that's the case for you, think again.

Below you will find some of the most important reasons to reconsider a conversation with your young person about halting their vaping before it gets too late.

Things to know if you learn that your adolescent is vaping:

• Facing the danger of using products with unknown substances. Vape pen manufacturers aren't required to disclose ingredients in their products. As a user, you don't necessarily know what you are inhaling or ingesting. For any products purchased on the street, young people need to very wary as products can be laced with additional harmful and/or deadly ingredient.

• Temporary side effects possible. Nicotine can impact mood, appetite, blood pressure, and alertness. Whereas side effects of THC use can include sleepiness, increased anxiety, depression, and paranoia, and headaches and/or dizziness. Both can impact academic performance, motivation in life, and consequently can induce additional mental health issues.

• Unknown long-term effects of vaping. There is precious little known about long term outcomes data on the impacts of vaping. Anecdotally you may read about Thoracic surgeons detailing lung replacement surgeries in adolescents and how it is the "worst ever seen."

• Addiction is possible. We all know Nicotine is addictive. National statistics also uncovered that teens who start using marijuana before age 18 are up to seven time more likely to develop an addition than adults. If you aren't paying attention to your young person vaping, or you don't see any cause for concern, you may want to pause on that and engage in a dialogue. Your adolescent may not understand the depth of their decisions and as a parent, now would be an ideal time to help them make healthier choices for their growth and development. Vaping, regardless of nicotine or THC, is not something to push aside as a non-issue.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

College collaborations with off-campus mental health resources

How colleges and universities can no longer afford to push back on partnering with off-campus mental health resources.

As more college and university systems are being spotlighted for cutting funding for mental health staff and programming, student deaths by suicide, and the ever growing increase of the demand for mental health needs of current college students, it would be seem appropriate to deem this all as an ‘epidemic.’  Higher education fights to retain students as it continues to lose funding from each state and find creative ways to match the needs of the newer generation of young adults.  Each college is tasked with providing more with less.  I do not envy any higher education Administrator.  Quite frankly, it sounds like a painful gig.

With the growing mental health demands of current college students, colleges and universities are finding themselves referring more students to community resources even before they step foot on-campus.  It’s quite the conundrum.  If student fees include 6-sessions per semester of seeing a Therapist, why is it that students must find a Therapist off-campus?  Great question!

Not only are students being recommended to seek long-term therapy off-campus, they are also being triaged to community hospitals, behavioral healthcare and substance abuse resources.  A quick reminder to the reader – at the additional cost of the student.  When the college or university realizes that a student needs an acute level of care that their institution can’t provide, they get the student off-campus as quickly as possible. Sometimes, at the expense of no communication with the family.  Now, if the family was proactive prior to enrollment and signed a series of releases for communication they may be included in the discharge planning and mental health recommendations.  Typically, not a lot of families think to sign these releases.  It’s not until they find out their young adult is in a hospital and they aren’t allowed to speak with staff that they understand the depth of their lack of communication. 

As a parent, the worst fear might be to not be able to communication with the medical staff treating your young adult. In reality, the what could be worse is not only not being able to communicate with the staff, but to be entirely left ouf of the treatment planning for discharge.  That’s what professionals like me exist.  We help with the communication, the planning, and case management around the continuum of care.  We are nearly invisible.  You might as well refer to us as Super Heroes.

In the popular book The Stressed Years of Their Lives: Helping Your Kid Survive and Thrive During Their College Years by Dr. Janet Hibbs and Dr. Anthony Rostain speaks to the importance of the “warm handoff.”  On p. 279 you’ll read:

Ideally a college will possess enough resources that it can perform a “warm handoff” – a transition conducted in person between two members of a health care team – from a campus or off-campus location to emergency medical care.  A model for this continuity-of-care team would keep tabs on the student and help with either hospital admission or discharge, as well as communication with the family.

I know of some colleges that have Case Managers or a Case Management team.  This is who would in theory would be doing the warm handoff.  To suggest that a Therapist who’s been working with a student would be a part of the admission, discharge, or communication with the family it outright optimistic and grossly unrealistic for a large university.  Let’s look at the University of Southern California this example.  They have a team of 46 therapists and 2 Psychiatrists for a student body of 47,500.  That puts the Therapist-to-student ratio at a whooping 1:1,032.6.  I’m not a betting woman, but I’m willing to guess that those Therapists do not have enough time in the day to assist in the admission and discharge for students on their caseload, nor communication with their families.  If there’s a college out there that has a clinical team with enough time to do this, I’d genuinely like to hear from them.  It would be safe to say they have cracked the code for the therapist-to-student ratio, and collaboration with case management to assist with referral coordination.

Speaking of which, Case Managers on a college campus are good in theory.  In practice, I’m going to blow the whistle on their ability to provide accurate program recommendations.  Where I want to be clear is that Case Managers are necessary. Especially in helping to coordinate students with on-campus resources and/or with tying loose ends as they leave the university on medical leave or by withdrawing.  It’s when they do “research” to recommend placements and programs for students that I cringe.  This is what I do full-time as a job.  I travel at least one full week out of every month visiting anywhere between 10-15 programs per trip.  Never referring my clients to programs I haven’t visited, and in between trips trying to stay abreast of staff and programmatic changes to places I’ve already seen.  I specifically help with every step in every transition between programs and placements.  I often refer to myself as the “bridge” so they family doesn’t have to fly in to handle case managing their young adult.  It’s a full-time job, I’d know.

Unless the Case Management team is also traveling to tour programs, this is a huge liability to any college or university to directly refer or recommend programs to students.  And if you justify where you are recommending based on who has visited you on your campus, then I am even more fearful for the impending lawsuits to your university.  Seriously, it’s only a matter of time.  Behavioral Healthcare companies with several sites around the company may present as having your student’s best interest in mind, but in reality, they are being paid to recruit professionals to refer to their programs.  Once a young person is in their system, they will continue to refer them through their in-house continuum of programs.  As someone who dedicates my life to connecting young people to the right treatment program, I fear that university staff who are unfamiliar with the behavioral healthcare industry are having the wool pulled over their eyes.

Sidebar: I had a Director of College Counseling once tell me that if, not when, they had a student that needed to leave their university she would send an email to the AUCCD listserv asking other Directors of Counseling for program recommendations.  She was saying specifically that since most of her students were from out-of-area to her college, she would defer to this listserv for recommendations for students.  For once in my life, I was so shocked I had no response for the person on the other end of the phone.  My jerk reaction would have been to say “Are you f—ing kidding me? How do you think that’s an ethical way of referring mental healthcare to students?”  But my professional self managed a pregnant pause allowing for the Director to continue to explain her reasoning.  She didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with that.  In fact, she was aggressive about sharing how this was totally okay to the point that I graciously thanked her for her time and made it that I needed to get off the call. For any Director of College Counseling reading this, please note that a) anyone else reading this knows that your responsibilities on campus are so immense you don’t have time to respond to individual emails asking for local healthcare recommendations for individual students, and b) any of you who do have the time to respond to these individual emails may want to be wary.  Please reference the explanation in my paragraph above about making recommendations to young people for places you aren’t actively visiting, and meeting with clinical staff.  And if you tell me you looked at their website as an explanation for why their program is appropriate to refer to, I worry about your overall judgment.  No offense.

The irony in it all is when I have visited colleges and universities to explain my services to students who have left their school, I am met with complete resistance.  I’m talking about students who have left, not who are still enrolled.  Though, I’d like to be able to help current students too, but that type of service presents itself as a threat to the system.  I’m talking about speaking to those who care about the students’ wellbeing, regardless of whether they’re still enrolled at your school.  This is the warm handoff we were referencing earlier.  I have yet to connect with a college that will consider collaborating to support their former students.  And it’s important to note I’m not referencing students from two years ago.  I’m speaking to Case Managers, Counseling Directors, and Dean of Students about students who withdrew within the last two hours.  Is there no obligation to help a student then?

I’m putting it all out there right now.  Every single institution of higher learning can no longer afford to push back the gates in partnering to support your students.  They are struggling.  They are dying.  Me, along with an industry of behavioral healthcare professionals, are waiting on the outskirts of campus for your students as they leave.  Because they are leaving, and we want to help them once they’re no longer with you.  These are academically successful students.  Bright young people with promising futures.  Students who are struggling beyond their means and reaching out, desperate for your help.  You’re not able to provide, but we are.  We’re here, just watching and waiting. 

If you’ve remotely thought about seeking assistance, look no further. Our services aren’t free though.  We’re knowledgeable and professional, and hiring us as contractors to your university may just save your graduation rates as well as provide you the staffing for the warm handoff you’ve been wanting to do all along.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Treatment is not a quick fix

If I got a dollar for every time a parent asked me how “quickly” their young adult could get the help they needed, let’s just say I’d have a lot of money. To cut right to the chase, treatment is not a quick fix. And it's not a thing to be "fixed." We need to understand that, but in order to do so we need to learn a little history behind the treatment world and where the mindset for quick fixes in treatment originated from.

From what I’ve heard anecdotally and read, the 28-day model of getting help was created by Daniel Anderson in the 1950’s to divert addicts from remaining in jail. He created the “Minnesota Model” that was a 28-day curriculum in getting care. Scientifically, there is zero basis behind 28-days being effective. Then, insurance companies decided they liked the Minnesota Model, mostly because there wasn't much else out there with evidence saying otherwise. Collectively, insurance companies started to pay for 28-days of treatment. And so, created a widespread industry of treatment across the US and a timeline that is unfounded. Those of us working in the behavioral healthcare or addiction treatment industries know that by the time someone reaches 30 days, they are only just at the tip of the iceberg in contemplation. And that's if they're even in contemplation!

To follow that metaphor, a life of stability, sobriety, and recovery takes at minimum a year. Now, most of the programs I refer to ask for a 60-day minimum commitment, but have research and evidence showing their graduates who stayed for 90 days and who went on to a continued care program had a much higher percentage of remaining sober. Young people aren’t meant to be “fixed.” That implies they are broken. What we need to consider saying instead is that it’s their time to grow. Growth is dependent on a number of factors. Nutrients, light, water can all be translated to therapeutic modalities, community connections, sense of service, and learning that you can have sober fun. Everyone's path is different, and yet there is also an equation of programs and supports that translate to healthier, sober lives.

You can take the “addiction” out of the mix here and replace it with mental health. There is still a period of recovery. Going to a program for two weeks will do nothing for the longevity of the well-being of your loved one. Again, we are only just experiencing the tip of the iceberg.  Or, we can talk about it as if it were a race. This is a marathon, and they’re in the beginning stages of their training. This will take months, long before they’re ready to run the race. They will have days where they feel amazing. There will be days where they don’t even want to lace up their shoes to go outside. We must support them either way when they show up. This is often the hardest thing for a parent to do.

The last example I’ll use is around study habits of the college students I used to work with. I’d love to bring up their age. For someone who was 18 years old, they’ve been training their body and brain to slowly shut down once they lay on a bed. That was something they practiced daily.  So, when they lay on their bed in college to study how likely is it that they’ll be able to remain awake to study? Eighteen years of daily routine tells us they’re fighting a losing battle. The same goes for someone who has been struggling for years with mental health or addiction. This is not thing that we can snap our fingers and will be miraculously cured in 14 days. Anyone who thinks otherwise is sorely mistaken.

Most parents really want to see their young adult get better and never struggle again. Most importantly, they want to see results immediately. Is that realistic? Absolutely not. We are human after all. We’re biologically wired to have ups and downs. To laugh, to contemplate, and to feel deeply. Sometimes those feelings are light and sometimes they are heavy. Getting treatment is about being able to acknowledge when you’re going into a dark place and making sure you get help before it’s too late. The progress is sometimes hard to see in real-time. I’ve recently enjoyed the idea of saying that young adult treatment can be a glacial process. From the outside we are staring and waiting for the glacier to change, but it doesn’t appear to be moving at all.  Even to the point of holding your breath in the off-chance that you see movement. These changes may not visible. Significant movement is happening, especially below the surface. But because we’re just watching and waiting for it, we may subscribe to the belief that no work is being done. Progress takes time.

Thinking about talking about treatment with your young adult? Consider stopping at the door with your agenda and timeline. The clinical team in the program they enroll in will be the ones who can make the recommendations around appropriate timelines. They are looking at the long-term for your loved one. Your sights may still be set on the short-term (i.e. college enrollment, a sibling’s wedding out of state, etc.), but we need to acknowledge that the expectations we have need to be let go. We need to learn to accept that treatment is a process. It’s not a short-term solution, or a "quick fix."  As soon as you can get on board with that, the more likely your loved one with advocate for longer care for themselves.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Things won’t change, until things change.

You can sit in your situation and complain about how uncomfortable things are, or you could take a step forward to make a change. Every day we are faced with choices, all that will impact us profoundly. There is no reason for anyone to wait until things are “bad enough” before getting help.

In graduate school, I vividly remember the conversation about how we didn’t have to wait for clients to hit rock bottom before intervening. At the time, it seemed like such a novel idea to “bring the bottom up” to meet clients where they were right them and there. That way they didn’t have to get worse before they got better. Anyone who is impatient can appreciate this. But for those of us who subscribe to the theory that someone has to want to change in order to change, this seems rather premature to the process.

We can make the choice to not change. We can continue to be in our current situation as long as we desire. To be honest, I don’t know that many people that love being miserable for extending periods of time. At a certain point, you have the conscious thought of wanting life to be better. This seems to be the hardest concept for families of those that are suffering.

In sharing with parents’ ways to express their love, respond differently, and break their patterns with their loved one it’s easier to talk about, rather than implement. It’s awkward in the moment, and easier to just let your loved one be the decision maker when it comes to change. It’s important to note though that parents do have the ability to sway change. The easiest way to express the need for change is to hold boundaries. Again, it’s much easier said than done.

Whether it’s you or your loved one that’s stuck in life and struggling, please know that things won’t get better on their own. That’s wishful thinking, and a cognitive distortion. If anything, it will only get far worse before it ever gets better. The question you must answer is “how much longer can you tolerate what’s happening now?” If you are thinking to yourself “not much longer,” then take steps to make changes. Bring the bottom up.

Get help now.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

The heat is [metaphorically] rising on college campuses

How Generation Z struggles to identify their dangers when they’re already in hot water.

Gone are the days of childhood fables. I imagine if you asked Generation Z to spit out a few fables, they may not be able to identify even one. Calling them out for not knowing any fables is not the premise of this article. I want to speak specifically to one fable to resembles some of the issues Generation Z is dealing with currently.  The fable I want to address is about a frog.

The fable is very simple. If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, it immediately jumps out to save it’s life. The contradiction is that for a frog that is placed in a pot of warm water that is brought to a boil ends up staying in the pot and boiling itself alive. It doesn’t perceive any dangers by being placed in a non-boiling pot of water, and then subsequently is not alerted of any dangers once the water temperate beings to rise. It cooks itself to death. What a horrible way to go.

No frog was harmed in the process of writing this. I need to go so far as to state that anyone who follows this reading by testing this theory is strongly advised against doing just that. Please, and thank you from me and the frogs. That is not the point of this article.

This article translates perfectly to the state of mind for some college students. They are constantly striving to be perfect. Had they been thrown into a bad situation they would have immediately jumped out.  But since they interpreted their situation as being fine, some of them have truly put themselves in harms way. They are metaphorically killing their academic experience. If they aren’t aware enough to withdraw, it could get much worse before it gets better. A lot of young people don’t understand the difference in what it is that they’ve done and how they can get help, compared to those who have tied their sense of self into their academic successes. Once they experience an academic failure, shame washes over them. Instead of admitting they need help, they continue to believe it will get better. That cognitive distortion is completely tied to this same notion as being in a pot of water as the temperature is rising.

Here’s where we need to step in, whether you are a friend, parent, Resident Assistant, Coach, Therapist, Academic Advisor, or even random person on the street.  We see what is happening. We see the dangers in the water rising and the young person [read: fabled frog] being completely oblivious to cooking themselves to death. We must intervene. We must help them get out of the pot. We must save them now, and not after encouraging them to finish the semester that they’re about to throw away. And once we do, we must teach them how to identify those dangers for themselves in the future. Our job ends there, as we can no longer enable them. If they end up jumping back into that warm pot of water in the future and repeating history, that’s their own natural consequence. As much as it might hurt to watch, we must let them. But let’s try to redirect the ship now so that doesn’t happen again.

If you are looking for someone to help with this process, find a Therapeutic Consultant to help with getting them the therapeutic and executive functioning supports they need, or a College Consultant to help with them transfer colleges.  We are non-judgmental professionals eager to help you, but more importantly help your young adult. The last thing we want is for college students to cook themselves alive. 

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Academic Advisors as liaisons to student’s getting help

As much as I want to disagree, there is still a stigma surrounding mental health and asking for help. Students are in the weeds with their illness or addiction and may not understand the depth of their situation.  Their Academic Advisor, on the other hand, sees everything.  Almost to the point of being able to predict which students from each orientation session will not make it passed their first semester.

No, I’m not saying Academic Advisors are taking bets on their students.  What I’m highlighting is that they’ve seen it all.  They know the signs of students who are on campus for the wrong reasons.  They hear from students when they talk about how often they party, and Advisors can fairly make an assumption they’ll need substance abuse treatment in the near future.  They may be the first person a student discloses a sexual assault to, or an abortion.  They can try to pull the wool over the eyes of their Advisor, but they see right through it.

Academic Advisors don’t often get the credit they deserve.  They are the ones who work tirelessly to help undeclared students to find a major and follow their passion.  They are the ones who continuously keep up with university changes to make sure their students are “on-track” to graduate.  No Advisor wants to misadvise their students, so they stay on campus longer.  And no Advisor wants to get a phone call from a parent telling them they suck at their job and told their young adult to take the wrong class(es). That’s not true.  Ironically, they are also paid the least on campus.  That in itself is a real shame.

Academic Advisors are a retention initiative in itself.  In hearing from their advisees what their struggles are, an Advisor has the chance to assist a student in feeling cared for and giving them direction to get the help they need.  Sometimes, getting that help really requires leaving campus for at least one semester.  For colleges, by giving students the ability to log into their student portal and withdraw themselves without having a conversation with their Advisor, you provide a space for hundreds if not thousands of students to leave your university each year without so much as a goodbye.  You have no idea why they left.  You have no idea if they even want to come back.  You have no idea if they were struggling and really needed help.  What I’m not saying is that all students who need to withdraw have to speak to their Advisor.  I do think that if a student is completing something like a university withdrawal, they need to speak with someone before they do what cannot be undone.

Academic Advisors see potential in every student. They want their students to be successful and graduate.  They also see the shift in increased anxiety, depression, substance abuse, trauma, and executive functioning issues.  They see more students struggling.  Without having time to speak with each student in depth about future options, they do still have the ability to get students to get help sooner, especially if their parents are overly involved and asking for direction.

There is an industry of professionals who help this exact student.  We know that they just experienced a major trauma by “failing at college.”  We know resources to get them the help they need the moment they step off campus.  We want your student to be successful too.  Consider pointing their family in our direction so they can get linked up to resources immediately.  

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

How Psychological Assessments can be beneficial

Why your young adult may be advised from several different mental health practitioners to complete Psychological testing.

If a family hires a Consultant and has never had testing done, it’s a strong possibility that it will be encouraged.  Psychological testing is a tool to assist with continued care.  This recommendation occurs not because the Consultant wants the family to spend more money on another item, process, or step.  Yes, diagnostic testing can range in price but there’s a lot more to it than just dollar signs.  

Often, an evaluation is requested to assist with diagnostic clarification, treatment and continued care planning.  Instead of making a guess of what a young person may need or what they’re struggling with, it’s offered for them to take a series of assessments to provide concrete answers in a clinical perspective.  This is a chance for the entire therapeutic team (Consultant, Testing Psychologist, Program Therapist, and client) to eliminate any clinical concerns.

It’s also important to note that in going through this process, everyone on the team may learn nothing new.  It’s the mindset of “well, we know what we already know.”  On the flip side, we could uncover issues we didn’t know.  In this case, that is very important for the young person’s care and treatment moving forward.   From a continuum care program perspective, receiving recent testing with a clear diagnosis and clinical recommendations is appreciated and allows programs to make informed decisions about appropriateness of clients.

If you had IQ testing done in 2nd grade for your now 19-year-old, it’s important to consider testing again. The report that is produced represents the adolescent or young adult’s functioning at a specific point in time.  The Psychologist will note that as things change and the young person develops, the conclusions and recommendations will likely need to be updated.  As we know during adolescent and emerging adult years, the brain is still developing.  In order to provide accurate clinical support, families need to consider current testing.

The concern I hear the most, is surrounding who will have access to see the final psychological report.  To be transparent, it is recommended that everyone from the therapeutic team be able to read and review the full report.  However, if the client is a young adult, they can dictate who can and cannot read the evaluation.  Or they want to be specific, they can share only limited portions of an evaluation.  For adolescents, the parents are the ones who can release this information to the therapeutic team and/or any potential programs for continued care.  More often it is asked whether this will be shared with an employer, or a college.  The answer to both is no.

Certainly, a family can opt to not move forward with testing.  In going that route, there is still the potential for several things to happen.  First, some programs require testing before being admitted into a program.  Programs that require this are strict on ensuring an accurate clinical profile of potential clients or students.   Secondly, if a program does not require an assessment prior to Admissions, the Clinical Team will be paying close attention to the newly admitted client.  If they notice something not matching up with the clinical profile they thought they would be working with, they will then recommend testing while in their program.

What you’ll hear from Consultants, Therapists, or Programs is that testing is beneficial.  Clients who have had testing done in residential treatment or wilderness therapy prior to a continuum care placement tend to match best to programs that holistically support their specific needs.  That’s a mouthful, and yet there’s a lot of truth to it.  Regardless of when you are getting testing, the final report can confirm what we already knew or shed light on the truth.  It’s hard to ignore a truth when it’s coming from a Psychologist who completed a series of assessments.  If someone recommended you get your child testing, seriously consider how this could be a worthwhile report.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

The Cognitive Distortions of College Students

For first semester students, the reality of your academic situation may not sink in until it’s too late.  The social joys and challenges of the college transitions sometimes overshadow the academic progress and monitoring.  Not understanding the depth of what’s expected of them, or the firm boundaries in when assignments are due.  These may be experiences that first-time college students discover the hard way. 

As a former employee on two college campuses, I can’t tell you the number of times I met with student’s who had zero understanding of the depth of their situation. A situation that they were trying to explain to me that “wasn’t a problem” or they could “easily raise their grade” after they failed their first exams.  When in real-time reading through their syllabus with them it was painstakingly obvious, they had certifiably failed the class.  There was no way to recoup their grade.  Period.  Yet, even when the truth was staring them hard in the face, they couldn’t accept their situation. 

As a professional who cares about the success of young people, it really fascinated me how so many students could be so disconnected from their truth.  It wasn’t until reading Dr. Janet Hibbs and Dr. Anthony Rostain talk about this exact issue in The Stressed Years of Their Lives, that it really all came together.  They specifically reference how we “alter reality to some degree to suit our own purposes.” (p.133) For a college student, that would be to still remain successful and academically on-track. For Psychologists, this is referred to as cognitive distortion.

In the book they discuss how students engage in excessive procrastination, and then are prone to several types of cognitive distortions such as:

1. Magical thinking – “I’ll eventually be able to get it all done.”

2. Magnification/minimization – “I have no idea where to even begin on this assignment!  It requires so much research, and I’m horrible at research!”

3. Invidious comparisons – “Everyone else in my lab seems to understand what the professor is talking about. I’m so lost – I just must not be meant to be a college student!”

4. Emotional reasoning – “In order for me to start on this mid-term project I need to be feeling good about myself.  I’m just not there yet.”

5. Perfectionism – “I have tried starting this assignment about seven other times.  I’m really paralyzed because I can’t seem to picture how this is supposed to look in the end, and so I am struggling to even get started.”

These warped senses of self and thinking really place college students in a pickle by the end of the semester.  Certainly, a student can be savvy enough to withdraw from a class before the end of an individual Add/Drop date.  Most of the students that are aware enough to withdraw, are not necessarily the same students with the above cognitive distortions.  They’re with-it enough to realize they can’t salvage a specific grade.

This is a mindset shift.  This is a hard-learned lesson.  This is the start of them hustling hard in future semesters to bring up their cumulative GPA in small increments all because “I didn’t take first semester freshmen year seriously.”  It’s not that they didn’t take college seriously, it’s just that they established avoidant behaviors and ways of thinking that ultimately placed them in a corner. 

A lot of it boils down to procrastination.  These are executive functioning basics that will really set a student up for success from Day 1 on campus.  Skills such as time management, prioritization and organization, and task initiation.  If you aren’t sure how your college student is doing, I’d definitely do a little more digging than just asking the question: “How are you?  How are you doing in your classes?”  If you can help them in being self-aware of their true situation, you may help them in initiating their own change to be academically successful in college. 

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Implications of withdrawing from college

When a student is struggling on campus, it’s important for young adults and their families to understand the difference in types of withdrawals. Why? Because the type of withdrawal they request

Below you will find the top five ways a parent can help their child be safe through social media usage.

1. Withdrawal or University Withdrawal. There is no special title for this, as it’s just what it sounds like. This is when a student logs into their student portal and “unregisters” themselves from the classes they’re currently registered in at that time. Each university with have an “Add/Drop deadline” in the very beginning of the semester. If a student withdraws from classes during that short window, the classes they are registered in and “Ws” do not show up on their transcript. After that deadline, they will have until mid-semester to individually withdraw from a course or two, but they will show up as a “W” on their transcript. It won’t impact their GPA, but it will impact their Financial Aid. After that mid-semester date, if a student wants to withdrawal from a course they have to withdraw from the entire semester or stay the course with whatever grade they’ll get in the classes they’re failing. This is considered a “university withdrawal.” This will show up on their transcript as “UW” for each of their classes. It does not impact their GPA, only their Financial Aid. Once finals week begins, students cannot request a university withdraw for the semester. They can only receive the grades they have earned – even if failing. Don’t hold me to it, but this is the most common structure for withdrawal deadlines on college campuses. Triple check to see if this is how your university does it.

2. Incomplete. No, this isn’t actually a “withdrawal” but it a roundabout way that students can preserve their semester grades. In subscribing to the model above, if a student is struggling in one class (i.e. they’re passing, but not doing well) they may be able to request an incomplete in that course. Try not to jump to conclusions. The student needs to collaborate with the Case Management office to facilitate a professor approving an Incomplete. It would have to be because of extenuating circumstances, and the professor ultimately gets to make the decision of whether or not they’ll grant the “I.” The student has to complete that class with that same professor. They need to have the missing assignments required to “complete the class” in writing from the professor so all parties involved understand what is needed. The student has one semester to finish that course. So, hypothetically a student could request Incompletes for all their classes on semester if something happened. They can’t be failing the classes when they request the Incompletes though. They have until the end of the following semester to finish the classes. You don’t pay for the tuition during that following semester. And where most students get themselves in hot water is, they register for a full load of new classes while trying to simultaneously finish their Incompletes. This is not advised.

3. Medical Withdrawal. There is discrepancy in what this looks like, based on the college. Most common is that a student makes it through one semester (whether or not they did the above withdrawal), but know they need to take time off from college to get mental health or substance abuse treatment. A student can register medical withdrawal. Some colleges have registration codes so that students can “register” to leave. This allows their Advisor to see that they will be gone for that one semester and will most likely anticipate returning after the time off. Some colleges require students to provide signed paperwork proving they were in treatment. Some colleges don’t require anything at all. Some colleges have stipulations for students to return. Before registering for a medical withdrawal, educate yourself and be informed on what happens if you go down this avenue. Know that you can take time off at any point in your collegiate career. You are not bound to continue taking courses at that time college and given only a set number of semesters before you are kicked out. If you do leave without registering for medical withdrawal, you will most likely have to reapply to continue being a student. It’s not as intense as it sounds, or how your initial application process was to higher education. If fact, you may not even have to pay an application fee. It’s a quick application where the university just wants to know where you’ve been, what you’ve been up to, and will check your criminal record to make sure you aren’t a danger to campus.

4. Retroactive withdrawal. No college that I know of advertises that they do this. Not even the colleges that automatically suspend students who receive a 0.0 GPA in one term. To be blunt, any student that gets a 0.0 we all know something significant happened. This is a very capable and driven student who encountered some horrific adversity. It’s not like they put in effort to get a 0.0. So, for a student that walked away from a semester like there, please know there is hope is salvaging your GPA. Most colleges allow students to “appeal” for a semester or more of their academic studies. They need to write a letter on their own behalf detailing what happened. Then, the student needs to include letters of support from professionals who they were working with during that semester, or immediately after. That professional needs to speak to how the student was incapable of being a student because of the extenuating circumstances. Some colleges are specific in what is considered an extenuating circumstance. An example from UNC-Wilmington’s Academic Catalog says “death of an immediate family member; traumatic and unforeseen circumstances which are considered beyond a student’s control; serious emotional instability, physical injury or illness which has resulted in the student’s inability to complete academic responsibilities in a given term.” In my professional opinion, extenuating circumstances and how it impacts the young adult is subjective. With support, any student can be able to articulate how they deserve the university reconsider their academic semester. Some colleges put limitations on when this can be submitted (i.e. no later than one semester after), or unlimited time. Some colleges have specific paperwork to be completed by the Professionally supporting the student’s appeal. Some colleges have set deadlines, multiples each semester for when a student can submit and anticipate hearing back from the committee who reads every appeal. If a retroactive withdrawal is awarded a student, their GPA changes. Their transcript then reflects a bunch of “W.” Some universities will have it show as “RW” for retroactive Withdrawal. Again, it will remove the grades from their transcript, and ultimately shift their cumulative GPA. It’s important to know that in having their appeal granted, a student cannot get their tuition money back. That is non-refundable.  

It’s important to know the difference in their withdrawals so that a student understands the implications. If you are concerned about your young adult, it is important that as a parent you consider consulting with an expert for help. There may be local resources available to you, but if not, there are professionals across the national who can help you get your young person connected to the appropriate treatment options. Seek out a Therapeutic Consultant. This is what we do, and who we help.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

High school athletes who stop playing sports when they transition to college

How high school student athletes who don’t play collegiate sports struggle during their college transition.

We are witnessing a generation of young adults who are willingly stepping into the stressful environment that is higher education, which can also be referenced as a pressure-cooker.  High school students are led to believe that upon admission into college that they are ready for the rigor. Academically speaking, for the most part that’s accurate. However, the emotional and social roller coaster they just bought a ticket for is far from what they’re prepared to experience.  Even if they had a solid friend group in high school, realistically college is a different ball game altogether. A young adult’s pride in their acceptance to <insert name of school they care about>, along with their parents’ pride in the efforts paid off by their soon-to-be college student are blindly setting them up. 

You hear about it all the time.  High school students opting to not play athletics in college.  It may be because they weren’t recruited to play or it could be because they are burned out and just want a break.  Either way, they’ll feel very depressed early into their first semester and not really comprehend why.

This is something that hits home for me.  I was offered a scholarship to play soccer at a smaller private school, but even with the scholarship it was too pricey.  I chose to go to a larger public university where I knew the women’s soccer team would be more elite.  For a second, I thought I might try to walk-on.  I stopped though.  Who was I kidding?  I’d played soccer for over 10 years, but I wasn’t that good.  Plus, college was about discovering new things, right?

The one thing I didn’t do, and I know a lot of other former student athletes don’t do, is create a routine to continue working out.  Or immediately join intramural or club teams.  I went my entire fall semester not doing anything physical, other than participate in all the weekend excursions with the outdoor club.  I was overweight, unhappy, and feeling lost by the end of the fall semester.  Something needed to change.

The spring semester of my Freshmen year, I joined the Women’s Rugby Team. We were called the Mentals, which is not politically correct and in hindsight is ironic with the work I now do for a living.  Regardless, I found a group of ladies, learned a new sport, got to travel across the state playing other collegiate teams, and started to really feel better.  I felt healthy, and alive again.

The point is, if you played sports in high school you were regimented.  You were disciplined and in shape.  Neurologically, you were releasing dopamine when you were performing and enjoying your sport.  You were forced to eat healthy, or at least encouraged to try.  You had to stay organized and have time management to ensure you were academically eligible to play.  You were a part of a team. 

These are all translatable skills and experiences needed to be successful in college. Without playing on a team, you may feel disconnected.  Without participating in some sport, you may feel lethargic and depressed.  Without sports, you have more time on your hands than you know what to do with, which leads to students feeling very unmotivated and disengaged.

If you played sports in high school, get back on the track.  Experiment with different intramural teams, or join a sports club.  If you don’t want to be a part of a team, at minimum schedule working out on a daily basis.  Try out the rock wall, or go on a backpacking trip for a weekend.  You need to get out.  You lived on dopamine from playing sports for years.  Your body misses the physicality; it misses your sense of self.

If you, or your young adult, is presenting as unmoored, disengaged, not having found friends, lethargic, and depressed, get help.  If they were a student athlete in high school, it’s a simple connection and recommendation to make.  Help them get back to playing again.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

The Art of Letting Go: Grieving your child, and learning how to be a parent of a young adult

Grieving your child, and learning how to be a parent of a young adult.

It’s important to know your role as a parent will always remain. It’s just that the job description and requirements shift, drastically. Being 18 years old is an arbitrary age for when we say as a society that a young person is ready to step out into the world on their own. Maybe you fantasized about them leaving the nest as you were holding them in your arms at the hospital years ago. Yet, now that it’s time for them to live on their own and take care of themselves you have a sinking feeling they aren’t ready. You haven’t taught them everything they need to know yet. You’re afraid they won’t make it. The reality is, they may not be ready. We won’t know though until we let them out of the nest, right?

There’s a finesse to transitioning your role from housekeeper, cook, shuttle driver, and bill payer to then consultant, and friend. You can continue to help them as they navigate the world on their own, but there’s a difference in how you have to respond. When they’re in trouble, you need to step back and not rescue them. Your role now is strictly to advise them on what the do for themselves. Instead of requiring they tell you where they are at all times, the lines of communication are left open but the ball is in their court to initiate. They are studying and or working and they are responsible for their own bills. You are no longer required to provide those basic needs of shelter. You don’t do their laundry, cook their food, or drive them places. And if they ask you to do that, kindly share with them that you’d do it once in a while if they asked otherwise it’s no longer your responsibility.

Hard to accept the idea of holding such a strong boundary for a seemingly helpless young person. The reality is though is that you must cut the umbilical cord at some point. If you continue to treat them like children, they will act like children. They will not learn to spread their wings. And no one else said that learning to fly was easy.

What’s not talked about in this process is that it’s important to grieve the loss of the parent-child relationship that existed while they lived in your house. Once they’re out of the house, the relationship changes. The roles shift. The rules remain, but now they have the choice to live in your house or not. And you also have the choice of allowing them to live in your house not. Ultimately, your duty as a parent were to last upon their graduation from high school. Beyond that, you help them transition to where they need to be so they can launch into independence on their own.

The stages of grief — denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance, and finding meaning are all important to work through. You may be happy they’re launching! Or maybe you’re devastated and can’t imagine life without them in the house. Either situation, grief has a funny way of showing up. Take the time to see a Therapist near you who focuses on grief and loss. You’ll thank me later for it.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.