Dating in Young Adulthood
Co-authored by Joanna Lilley and John Cohen
Today's young adults face many challenges along their path to full adulthood. Many young adults seem overwhelmed by the impending responsibilities they will soon face. Budgeting, paying bills, working full time, and harsher consequences when pushing up against societal norms are just a few of the challenges that bring young adults increased anxiety. One subject that is often overlooked and rarely discussed is that of Dating.
Online dating has become the norm for young adults. Phone apps such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Sweet Pea, and others make meeting someone a quick and convenient affair. Swiping someone’s picture left or right and hoping they do the same, can lead to a quick meeting. Many of these meetings can often turn into “hooking up.” These apps reinforce the importance of physical attraction, but leave out the important building blocks of a relationship such as communication, resolving conflict, and compatible personality traits. For a young adult who is just learning to navigate the world, gain confidence, and develop social skills, dating apps are icing without the cake.
Supporting young adults through the ups and downs of dating can be tricky business. If your young adult comes home with a date that you don’t approve of, how do you handle that? The biggest mistake parents make is to blame the girl/boyfriend for their young adults' struggles. Something like “Ever since you met him/her, your grades are dropping, you're late for work, and you don’t call me as much.” The solution then becomes to get rid of the boy/girlfriend to try and get things back to “normal”. This doesn’t work. The issue is the choice that your kid is making. Getting rid of the current flame won’t teach them anything about their choices and most likely will lead to bad choice number 2 as well as resentment for you, the parent. You want to try and support them to make better choices.
So what can you do as a parent when you see your young adult making a “bad” dating choice?
Support them in any way you can. Do not focus on the boy/girlfriend, but focus on your young adult and how they are feeling. Support the fact that they are feeling happy with their choice. They will eventually come to the realization that their choice is a bad one.
Avoid the temptation to prevent them from being hurt. When you rescue, you stop the learning process. They may get hurt, cheated on, dumped, suffer consequences, etc., but that’s how the rest of us learned. It’s a necessary process.
Always remember this: They want your approval. The more they feel your disapproval, the less likely they are to come to you for support when they need it. They want you to be proud of their choice. Engage them in a discussion, if they are willing, about some of your past choices of dating partners. Talk to them like a young adult, have a conversation back and forth, don’t slip into lecture mode, don’t talk more than they do or be tempted to fill awkward silences. Be honest about your anxieties and own them as yours.
And lastly, remember this is not the same world that you grew up in. If you ever find yourself saying, “When I was your age…” Just stop. Young adults today may have more conveniences, but they have everything else much, much, harder than you did. Dating being one of those.
As a parent, the last thing you want for your children is to experience the same heartbreaks you might have experienced growing up. Or, you may be trying to impart your dating guidance in a way to connect with your young adult. In reality, dating in the 21st century, especially with the assistance of technology, just makes the playing field completely different. The only thing you can do is be empathetic, be there for the times they feel hurt or lonely, and remind them that they must be happiest with themselves first before finding love. Dating in young adulthood is much more complex than swiping left or right.
For questions or comments contact:
John Cohen via email.
