Dating in Young Adulthood
Co-authored by Joanna Lilley and John Cohen
Today's young adults face many challenges along their path to full adulthood. Many young adults seem overwhelmed by the impending responsibilities they will soon face. Budgeting, paying bills, working full time, and harsher consequences when pushing up against societal norms are just a few of the challenges that bring young adults increased anxiety. One subject that is often overlooked and rarely discussed is that of Dating.
Online dating has become the norm for young adults. Phone apps such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Sweet Pea, and others make meeting someone a quick and convenient affair. Swiping someone’s picture left or right and hoping they do the same, can lead to a quick meeting. Many of these meetings can often turn into “hooking up.” These apps reinforce the importance of physical attraction, but leave out the important building blocks of a relationship such as communication, resolving conflict, and compatible personality traits. For a young adult who is just learning to navigate the world, gain confidence, and develop social skills, dating apps are icing without the cake.
Supporting young adults through the ups and downs of dating can be tricky business. If your young adult comes home with a date that you don’t approve of, how do you handle that? The biggest mistake parents make is to blame the girl/boyfriend for their young adults' struggles. Something like “Ever since you met him/her, your grades are dropping, you're late for work, and you don’t call me as much.” The solution then becomes to get rid of the boy/girlfriend to try and get things back to “normal”. This doesn’t work. The issue is the choice that your kid is making. Getting rid of the current flame won’t teach them anything about their choices and most likely will lead to bad choice number 2 as well as resentment for you, the parent. You want to try and support them to make better choices.
So what can you do as a parent when you see your young adult making a “bad” dating choice?
Support them in any way you can. Do not focus on the boy/girlfriend, but focus on your young adult and how they are feeling. Support the fact that they are feeling happy with their choice. They will eventually come to the realization that their choice is a bad one.
Avoid the temptation to prevent them from being hurt. When you rescue, you stop the learning process. They may get hurt, cheated on, dumped, suffer consequences, etc., but that’s how the rest of us learned. It’s a necessary process.
Always remember this: They want your approval. The more they feel your disapproval, the less likely they are to come to you for support when they need it. They want you to be proud of their choice. Engage them in a discussion, if they are willing, about some of your past choices of dating partners. Talk to them like a young adult, have a conversation back and forth, don’t slip into lecture mode, don’t talk more than they do or be tempted to fill awkward silences. Be honest about your anxieties and own them as yours.
And lastly, remember this is not the same world that you grew up in. If you ever find yourself saying, “When I was your age…” Just stop. Young adults today may have more conveniences, but they have everything else much, much, harder than you did. Dating being one of those.
As a parent, the last thing you want for your children is to experience the same heartbreaks you might have experienced growing up. Or, you may be trying to impart your dating guidance in a way to connect with your young adult. In reality, dating in the 21st century, especially with the assistance of technology, just makes the playing field completely different. The only thing you can do is be empathetic, be there for the times they feel hurt or lonely, and remind them that they must be happiest with themselves first before finding love. Dating in young adulthood is much more complex than swiping left or right.
For questions or comments contact:
John Cohen via email.
5 Things Parents do Right when your College Student Struggles
Struggle in college is normal. In fact, if anything, it’s expected. With ease and access for students to talk to update their parents on their situation, it’s easy for parents to dive right in and feel the need to rescue their young adult. Often, parents are quick to rid their child of their discomfort. For your kid to be successful though, you as a parent, must remember that struggle is normal, alongside the stress. Although this may sound like the worst advice, you must let your kid figure it out on their own. If you don’t let them struggle, they’ll never build resilience for struggles in the future. And there will be struggles in the future!
Below are a list of the top five things parents do right according to Dr. Marcia Morris’ The Campus Cure parent guidebook. If you are a parent of a college student, or soon-to-be-student, you definitely need to check this book out! Proactively knowing what to anticipate will help you navigate the calls and texts that plead that you swoop in and save them. Think again!
Recognize the seriousness
Pay attention to the language your young adult is using. Ask about he duration of the symptoms. Notice what the symptoms are themselves, and the seriousness of them. If your child is capable of advocating for themselves, let them. If they are completely paralyzed by anxiety, be attentive to when it’s appropriate to intervene to provide support.
Disclose your own struggles to normalize the situation
Humanize yourself to your own child. They may forget that you were once a college student and/or young adult too. If you disclose your own struggles to your child it may provide a sense of relief for their current situation. Or the empathy and sympathy will help them feel a sense of comfort in a very uncomfortable time.
Promote medication (if applicable)
Depending on what your child is struggling with, medication may be an avenue worth exploring. It’s not for everyone either! If this is something you want to explore, make sure you seek out a Psychiatrist who will also prescribe medications if you are also seeing a Therapist. Medication alone is not enough.
Remain hopeful and confident
When your child can’t see the forest through the trees, it’s important for you to remain hopeful of the situation. In this exact moment, life may feel very miserable for them and they can’t see the light. You, as the parent, need to make sure you are keeping in mind the big picture. If they are asking to come home and it’s seven days into the semester, you want to kindly encourage them to stay a little longer. They are looking to you to be a beacon of hope in a very turbulent time. Be confident that it will get better if they get connected to the on and off-campus resources that could support them. They may not be able to believe you now, and yet they may have a sliver of hope.
Provide follow-up support
This is experience is most likely not a one-and-done type event. You will want to follow-up with your child to make sure that they’re hanging in there. Send encouraging texts, schedule phones calls, or even coordinate a visit. Set boundaries though, as you don’t want to become the rescue button for your child. You want to be a sounding board and a warm, comforting hug, and a cheerleader rooting from afar.
It’s hard not to want to help your child. They need to be on their own. Sometimes, that means learning to tackle anxiety or building new friendships. As a parent, make sure you are letting them figure it out on their own. Know when it’s okay for them to struggle, and know when their situation requires stepping in.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
College from home
Going home to finish the semester sucks. Period. No one signed up for this. Your college student really feels like they got the short end of the stick for their Freshmen (or Senior) year in college. No matter your year in college, this is not how we expected the year to play out. In fact, it’s not how we expected 2020 to be at all.
Parents are trying to be empathetic, hide their enthusiasm for having their student home, and also trying to scramble to put together house rules. It’s adorable and well-intentioned and yet it a situation of walking on eggshells. First and foremost, as a parent you must stifle your enthusiasm to make room for your child’s grief and loss. You must normalize their frustration and anger, and ensure they’re not out drinking away their sorrows and compromising the health of the rest of your household. By aligning with them emotionally, they will feel a lot more comforted and at ease moving forward with their new normal.
If this is your first born and you’re not sure how to tackle them being back home so soon, seek out support. Finding a parent coach to help you during these wild times will really ensure that the blow ups in the home are kept to a minimal. Although when you look at your kid you may see them as the kindergartner you dropped off at school, they are technically an adult now. You must treat them like an adult. Again, if you aren’t sure how to navigate this, connect with professionals who can help!
One of the first thing in treating them as an adult is to not ride them about their schedule. They’ve been a college student for the last eight months. They know what they must do. They will either get it done, or they won’t. Your responsibility is not to ensure they are waking up and doing their work. Your parental role is to leave your college student alone. You need to see if they have the executive functioning skills and ability to successfully do this on their own.
Where I draw the line though is in making sure your young adult is not treating home like they’re on spring break. If they aren’t doing school at all, that is a major red flag. You can’t control the schedule they keep around academics, yet if they aren’t doing the work at all – that’s where the biggest concerns lie. Especially if they are not only living at home and not doing schoolwork, but also not practicing social distancing and honoring sheltering at home orders. They are home because of a public health epidemic. This is not a time to catch up with your friends from high school, unless your practicing social distancing. And we all know Gen Z isn’t practicing social distancing with their friends.
Outside of the academic scheduling and high school reunion, if your college student lets you know they’re struggling honor that. Or if they aren’t telling you they’re struggling but you have a hunch that they are, also honor that. A lot of colleges are still trying to offer support remotely. That’s not the same. They can find a college coach that’s not affiliated with their campus to help provide support though. It’s better than nothing! And worse case scenario, if they need to withdraw or request incompletes it’s important to understand the implications of this process. With them being home, it’s hard to hide if they are failing their classes. There is no room for shaming, and if you hold the boundary of no longer paying for their college education, they may find themselves much more motivated to become a full-time student.
And between all this madness, you must take care of yourself. You weren’t planning on having your college student home for a couple months. Parents are riddled with the combination of excitement, and sheer terror. Make sure you are taking care of yourself in all of this. And if you need guidance and support, don’t hesitate to find a professional to help support you during the next few months. You didn’t sign up for this, just like your college student didn’t sign up for this. Take care of yourself! You deserve it!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
How Non-residential Therapeutic Programs operate during COVID-19
Co-Authors: Darrell Fraize, Tracy Bailey, Joanna Lilley, and John Tobias
Prior to COVID-19, therapeutic young adult programs without a residential component had already mastered supporting clients remotely. Structures in place existed to provide young adults with clinical and coaching services, yet each young adult was living independently. In a time when physical distancing and sheltering-in-place have greatly impacted how programs deliver residential services, non-residential, therapeutic programs have made a different type of pivot.
Below are two examples of how non-residential, therapeutic programs operated before and how they evolved to meet the mental health needs of clients while providing the utmost safety for them in accordance with CDC and WHO guidelines and regulations. Families who believe that the safest place for their young adults to complete treatment is from home could benefit from continuing therapy in a tele-health format.
How Non-residential Therapeutic Programs operated prior to the COVID-19 crisis:
Onward Transitions has been using HIPAA compliant video, phone and messaging systems since before opening in 2016. Members utilize G-Suite products to stay in continuous contact with staff and with each other, as an integral part of and complement to the in-person service delivery. Prior to the COVID-19 crisis, Onward Transitions members connected with each other and with staff at our two physical sites in the city of Portland, ME for both individual and group therapy and coaching sessions, for 11 community meals per week, for planned and spontaneous group activities, and on staff-led social outings in the community.
Red Cedar Transitions had multiple potential points of contact with clients. Staff would meet either in an office setting, at a client’s residence, or out in the community. Staff would also meet for social outings weekly and minimally have a weekly in-person group coaching session.
How Non-residential Therapeutic Programs are evolving during COVID-19 :
Onward Transitions indicated that it has been a much easier transition than anticipated. Staff have observed an even greater level of engagement by members after going 100% online as of 3/14/2020. The eight full-time staff keep programming scheduled and alive between 9:00 am and 7:00 pm during the week, and 9:00 am and 5:00 pm on Saturday. Onward Transitions continues to have a clinician on-call 24/7.
Onward Transition members have voiced their comfort with this format, and recognize that their anxious symptoms are reduced by participating in structured routine of virtual social gatherings, games and contests, individual therapy and coaching, and group therapy and educational sessions.
All told, Onward Transitions supports 58 hours of live, synchronous, online programming with members each week. The Google Chat program remains active after hours among members, staff on-call and sending messages for the following day.
Onward Transitions staff are coaching members who are students as they make the shift to online learning, and seeking organizational help in their Blackboard and Moodle classroom formats.
Onward Transitions therapists are able to engage in tele-health family therapy sessions with the loosening of interstate restrictions through a HIPAA compliant Google Meet program. Staff are still helping members manage their living spaces through video tours so that they are staying on top of medications, food and supplies, cleaning and trash removal.
Red Cedar Transitions has moved individual and group coaching and psychotherapy sessions to a HIPAA compliant video platform as of 3/16/2020. In addition to individual online psychotherapy and coaching sessions, clients also get two group coaching sessions per week.
For the health and well-being of Red Cedar Transition clients, there is now an six-day-a-week online group workout they can choose to participate in.
Red Cedar Transitions believes the transition to video sessions has been smooth and effective to this point. Furthermore, the transition to video has been one of the myriad transitions we’ve had to make in most realms of our lives. With clients, staff have been utilizing the broad social changes that everyone is making to underscore the importance of living mindfully, deliberately and flexibly. And with an emphasis on the idea that on both personal and social levels, as individual humans we’re all in some state of transition all the time. What a more poignant time than now to explore and inhabit that life lesson?
Programs are adjusting accordingly to the social context of the COVID-19 crisis, and their young adult participants are responding as well as they can. These non-residential peer-support networks fill an immediate niche, due to the hundreds of thousands of college students who recently returned to their childhood homes in March. Losing one’s support network can derail academic, social, physical, and mental progress. As the research indicates, therapeutic programs can help young adults mitigate these losses and continue to move forward.
For those young adults who have returned home after their college campuses closed or after completing a primary treatment program, engaging in tele-mental health and an online community can be extremely helpful in managing anxious and depressive symptoms. The CDC¹ recommends that people living with preexisting mental health challenges continue treatment and monitor for new or worsening symptoms. Additionally, the CDC suggests taking breaks from the news, taking care of our bodies through base wellness activities, engaging in activities that bring joy, and connecting with others.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness² (NAMI) recommends that people living with mental health challenges mobilize their emotional support systems, including maintaining structured routines that mirror their work/study lives beforehand and staying in contact with others frequently through online platforms. In particular, NAMI proposes:
Research tells us that seven percent of communication is accomplished through our words, including email, 38 percent is voice and a staggering 55 percent is body language and visual. For people with mental health vulnerabilities, and even for those with extroverted personalities, the lack of face time can be challenging. Using technology to simulate this can offer a solution to bridging this gap.
The American Psychological Association (APA) recently posted an article³ citing research that managing stressors sooner as opposed to later can stave off larger, longer-term mental health challenges. The article goes on to warn against the mental health impacts of isolation in self-quarantining.
The implications are clear, that humans are social creatures, and managing our mental health is of critical importance to our well-being. This is perhaps even more true for young adults already managing a mental health challenge. Connecting with trained and licensed professionals and prosocial peer groups through tele-health formats are important ways to stave off a relapse back into unhealthy patterns.
Isolation is a often common thread in most mental health struggles--substance abuse, depression, anxiety, etc. Moreover, this time in our collective history is requiring that we isolate ourselves, which, as we know, can foster conditions that are ripe for intra and interpersonal difficulty. Being conscientious about how we’re spending our time is imperative in any attempt to thrive during the uncertainty that is COVID-19. Creating healthy habits and patterns of values-driven action are empirically supported antidotes to the despair and anxiety that can emerge as a result of isolation. Connecting with a licensed professional can be useful in designing and implementing a life that is rich and meaningful; even in the midst of our current social isolation.
For questions or comments contact:
Darrell Fraize via email.
Tracy Bailey via email.
John Tobias via email.
References:
¹https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prepare/managing-stress-anxiety.html
²https://www.nami.org/getattachment/Press-Media/Press-Releases/2020/COVID-19-and-Mental-Illness-NAMI-Releases-Importan/COVID-19-Updated-Guide-1.pdf?lang=en-US
³https://www.apa.org/news/apa/2020/03/covid-19-research-findings
Wilderness Field Staff as Front Line Care during COVID-19
Co-Authors: Daniel Fishburn and Joanna Lilley
Wilderness Therapy programs are continuing to operate at this time during the COVD-19 pandemic. A public health crisis will not halt the needs for mental health, behavioral health or addiction treatment. If anything, it amplifies the need for these services to adjust to be able to continue to provide support for those in need.
Wilderness Therapy programs are taking precautions with incoming participants, as they are quarantined or introduced to their group. Each program has created real-time protocols with the constant changes and recommendations due to COVID-19. Outdoor Behavioral Healthcare Council members are wilderness and adventure therapy programs that take ethics, research, and best practices seriously. During a time of a public health pandemic, these programs are adjusting admissions to protect their current participant.
In addition to participants, programs are also prioritizing the health and well-being of the field staff. Whereas field staff are seen as front-line care in each program, how they are trained and respected varies depending on the program. During a time where parents are not sure whether or not to enroll their loved one into a wilderness therapy program, we need to shift our attention to how Field Staff are and were operating pre- and during-COVID-19. That will shed light on the overall focus on staff health, which will trickle down to impact the well-being and safety of your loved one.
How Wilderness Field Staff operated prior to the COVID-19 crisis:
Field staff are trained in CPR, First Aid, and ideally as a Wilderness First Responder, field staff are trained to observe and report a wide variety of signs and symptoms. Field staff tend to all manner of minor injuries and illnesses while in the backcountry.
Physical safety is a top priority for Field Staff. Field staff are particularly attuned to things like hygiene, nutrition, hydration, and hiking safety for participants at all times.
Field staff have a genuine care and interest in human connection. Field staff have an interest and/or background in experiential education, working at-risk populations, and ideally have an investment towards effecting change in a young person’s life.
Field staff are trained in interpersonal communication, crisis prevention intervention, and therapeutic strategies and modalities. They are engaging in therapeutic relationships with the students in utilizing these skills, all the while managing the overall physical, emotional, and mental well-being of a group of adolescents or young adults.
Typically working a shift of 8 days on, 6 days off. Even some programs operate for 2 weeks on, two weeks off.
How Wilderness Field Staff are evolving during COVID-19 :
There has not been a major adjustment with the challenge of COVID-19. However, field staff are making some extraordinary efforts in the following areas:
Adjusting to programmatic changes that may include leading a “Welcome Group” of newly admitted clients to quarantine
Monitoring students and themselves for COVID-19 symptoms, including taking temperatures
Increasing attention to cleaning surfaces
Enforcing the CDC guidance of “6 and 10”, informed by increased likelihood of infection when within 6 feet of an infected person for more than 10 minutes
Avoiding risk of infection when off shift by social distancing, and sheltering at home during off shift.
Reporting any symptoms of infection immediately to the Program Director, on or off shift.
Field staff are truly the key agents of change in wilderness therapy! Just as medical personnel face the responsibility of managing behavioral health challenges as they care for patients, field staff risk physical injury and exposure when working with participants. They are seen as essential staff, and will continue to remain in that high of regard during this time. They selflessly give each shift that they work, as they continue to show up for those most in-need during a time where we’re asking the world to seek refuge at home.
Lastly, if you are looking for a rewarding job as Field Staff, please know there are programs that are still currently hiring. Check out some job boards (in alphabetical order):
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Tele-Therapy: New age therapy for young adults during COVID-19
Co-Authors: Lindsey Cooper-Berman and Joanna Lilley
So, things have changed. Drastically. In just a few short weeks (or days). It has seeped into every area of our lives, including therapy. The dynamic and methods of therapy have shifted from predominantly formal in-office sessions, to mandatory intimate Zoom moments. This includes dropped calls and sharp technological learning curves which require us to lean on our Gen Z clients for collaboration and support. There has been an equalization to the therapeutic relationship and alliance in a way that is unprecedented, and also an intimacy that could not occur in a traditional setting. In a nutshell, therapy changed drastically overnight.
The landscape of tele-therapy is rapidly evolving. As we continue to be isolated, it’s important for adolescents, young adults, and families to know that therapy is still accessible to them during this time. For those who are fearing the unknown, or those who just need some human interaction and empathy, finding a tele-therapy provider is a lifeline during COVID-19.
How Tele-therapy existed before COVID-19:
Limited usage of tele-therapy.
Without social distancing in place, there was little need to access tele-therapy. More in-person providers were readily available for clients.
The exception for young adults, being when in transition from high school to college maintaining the therapeutic relationship with their preexisting Mental Health Provider, within the limits of their licensure.
Coverage from insurance did not exist.
Insurance providers did not cover costs unless through specific platforms created by insurance companies (ex. Aetna’s Teledoc).
Stigma on the legitimacy of tele-therapy.
From a provider stance, traditional in-office psychotherapy and coaching was the norm. There were only rare occasions where, generally, it was considered an alternative for check-ins, temporary, or in the interest of the clients needs.
Community and clients advocated for more in-person sessions rather than tele-therapy providers, except the example of the college student who is studying out-of-state and wanting to continue therapy with their home Therapist.
How Tele-therapy has shifted with COVID-19 :
Tele-therapy is now the only option
Throughout the globe social distancing and mandates Safer at Home protocols have been put in place to reduce the spread of COVID-19. It has resulted in all Therapists navigating working from home and providing tele-therapy.
Almost all insurance is covering the cost of tele-therapy.
For the first time, insurance providers are seeing the necessity of tele-therapy for individuals seeking care.
Check with your provider to note if your copay is waived, and if you are eligible to continue meeting with your current Therapist virtually.
Unique insight into the client experience
With clients at home and clinicians conducting sessions from home offices, we are viewing each other in a completely new way
Tele-therapy literally provides a screen into the homes and lives of the clients. We are learning information about them and observing their environment in a way that provides insight into their treatment plans and goals.
Not only are we seeing their physical space, we are experiencing in a different capacity how our young adults cope with change in the moment. We are working together to implement skills around flexibility and adaptability under undesirable and unexpected circumstances.
Tele-therapy is effective!
There has been a drastic shift in the idea that tele-therapy is not as effective as “traditional” therapy. We are seeing clients address issues and implement skills immediately in their home environment. It will be interesting to see the shifts as we return to normal, and create our new normal.
As we transition into a time of working remotely, we will soon discover the impact that tele-therapy has on clients.
Young adults get a lot of flack for their reliance on the internet and social media. We are seeing a complete shift in how society as a whole is utilizing technology to stay connected during the COVID-19 pandemic. There is a lot we can learn and take with us as we move forward and utilize tele-therapy to help our clients. While there is a magic that happens when two humans sit in a room together and share the same energetic space, it is also possible via technology and the virtual world. There is a balancing act and this is something we can continue to learn during our social distancing and new adventures (for many) with tele-therapy. While there is no substitute, in my opinion, for face-to-face therapy, there is also a need being met now and that can be continued to meet as our world changes and shifts.
If you or a loved one is in need of finding support, reach out to clinicians in your area. Be safe! Any clinician that is still seeing clients in person is jeopardizing their own health, and as well the health and well being of their clients and their community.
For questions or comments contact:
Lindsey Cooper-Berman via email.
What to do when your college student withdraws from school
It’s hard to hide the struggling with college coursework when a student back at home. Being academically capable aside, students may not have the motivation to get work done. They may be so far behind in their coursework that it seems impossible, or it may be impossible to actually dig out of before the end of the semester. Regardless of real or perceived failing of college courses, it’s important for parents to know how to support your child.
Educating yourself on the implications of withdrawing will be the first step to help your young adult during this trying time. Once you are aware of the different types of withdrawals and discuss with your young adult about which is the most appropriate, then it’s important to take necessary actions.
First step is to make sure that they have officially withdrawn. Trust your young adult to do it, and yet verify that you will not be billed for any remaining ancillary fees.
Second step is to get your young adult connected to the resources they need to succeed. Kindly get to the root of where the issues started before their grades were impacted. If they are struggling with depression, anxiety, trauma, substance use, or grief, just to name a few common issues, they need to be connected to mental health and addition treatment resources.
Third step will be to not pressure them to enroll for the following semester until after they are stable, sober, and/or healed and ready to tackle their academic experience with a newfound sense of resiliency and ability to self-advocate. College isn’t going anywhere! Their mental health is much more important than staying on-track to graduate. Realistically, they will graduate in a shorter time frame if you give them the space now to settle in to get the help, they need without the pressure to re-enroll in a short amount of time.
Fourth and final step, to make sure they have a plan! If they are choosing not to seek mental health or addiction treatment, that’s their choice. They are now living back at home rent free, without going to school, and most likely currently unemployed. Without a plan in place for them to relaunch, this can lead to a very ugly case of “failure to launch.” You are not responsible for your young adult if you don’t want to be. They need to leave the nest again. It didn’t work the first time, but if you have a plan in place you can help them relaunch again.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Finding a Parent Coach during COVID-19
Co-Authors: Colin Cass, Joanna Lilley and Robert Trout
For families, household dynamics just shifted drastically overnight. It went from having college students away at college and teenagers in high school, to now helping with homeschooling and online college courses. At both levels, we are already finding new learning challenges for students. Not to mention, parents themselves are being asked to work from home and/or recently lost their jobs. To say this is a stressful time is an understatement!
Concerns now, weren’t concerns a week ago. Now parents are asking themselves: “Is my child safe in their current program or should I bring them home?”,” What am I supposed to do with my child suddenly back home?”, or “What can I do to best prepare myself for these current events?” These are all fair questions and all questions that can be difficult to work through alone. With the support of parent coaching you can address your current concerns and come up with strategies to make a decision that works best for you.
Parent Coaches are used to looking at high stress situations with parents from different cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds. Our work is to allow parents to “see the options” that so often are hidden from them because of the stress and lack of experience with these types of scenarios. Coaches have seen almost everything in our work (even medical scenarios) that cause parents to be forced to be home with their kids. Our advice is “Don’t guess.” Have a plan based on strategies that are proven to work and set yourself up for success.
Knowing what parent coaching looked like before, and how parent coaching can be fluid for your needs will be valuable information for every parent to have during this stressful time.
How Parent Coaching looked prior to the COVID-19 crisis:
Support to hold a boundary and get your loved one into treatment.
Support while your student is in treatment.
Continued support after your loved one has left treatment.
How Parent Coaching is evolving during and post COVID-19 :
With teenagers and college students returning home, while parents are working from home it creates the perfect storm for chaos.
A stronger focus on what boundaries and structure needs to be in place if your child is suddenly coming home.
How to improve communication with your child during this stressful time.
How to get teens and young adults involved and empowered during crises.
How to unify around challenges that you are all feeling as a family.
Weighing all of the factors when making the best decision for your child around COVID-19.
The benefit of parent coaching and technology allows for parents to work with coaches from around the US. During this time of social distancing coaches can connect with the families remotely. Even parent coaching companies that are place-based are able to stretch a little beyond their typical boundary to help the growing number of parents in desperate need of this current service.
Not sure where to start? There are coaching resources that specifically focus on mental health, recovery coaching, or life coaching. Here are some coaching resources, specifically working with young adults, that you can inquire with (in alphabetical order):
For questions or comments contact:
Colin Cass via email.
Robert Trout via email.
The Most effective College Retention Initiative
After working in higher education for only a few short years, that last thing you’ll hear is me calling myself an expert. After walking away from higher education and starting my own consulting practice that works with young adults leaving college, I will say that I know where there are significant gaps in the system. If a list of where the gaps existed were created, I’d get push back on how it doesn’t apply to one institution for several reasons. It could be because of the student demographic, or the geographic region, or that that specific school doesn’t have that issue. If you’re like me, you don’t care to hear the excuses anymore. The reality is hundreds of thousands of students enroll in college each fall. Thousands, upon thousands withdraw shortly after. Some make it two days, while others manage step away after winter break. After helping clients in both situations, I’ve started to mull over this idea of what the most effective retention initiative could be.
Drumroll, please.
My suggestion is that colleges and universities not admit students. Yes, this may be a ludacris idea. And yet in an effort to help Generation Z to grow up a little and be prepared for college, it’s time we start sending denial letters. Instead of admitting 18 year-olds, focus university admission and retention efforts towards students that are older and demonstrate life experiences. They have a drive, passion, and a purpose for being in school. Certainly, they will not engage in all Student Affairs resources, but I’ll go so far as to propose the notion that maybe they won’t need it because they’ll be ready to be students. They’ll advocate for themselves with them need to. They’re self-aware of their strengths. They have self-efficacy even. Students who just graduated from high school though, most of them don’t have that.
Those that don’t, well they’re in for a challenging transition into college. If they have no resiliency skills, they will feel alone. If they are dependent on their parents, they will not be able to survive on their own. If they have no idea why they’re in college than it was what they’ve been told since 6th grade they need to do, they will feel adrift on your campus and not focused on their education. They will experience their first failures on your campus, and could quite possibly walk away feeling ashamed, traumatized, and not supported. How do you suppose a university allocate resources to re-engage that student? They’re never returning. If you had turned them away from the get-go, maybe they would have worked harder to want to be there in the future. Maybe, just maybe we would allow them to have a different post-secondary experience.
Retention will always be a buzz word in higher education. It’s also not synonymous with student success. If you want to admit, enroll and re-enroll students (retention) then you need to take a closer look at who you’re admitting in the first place. If you want students to be successful on campus and ultimately graduate, you need to focus your attention to an older population who is approaching your institution with a completely different purpose, and with an agenda. That’s where you’ll make your money as a university.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Coaching Young Adults after Treatment
Co-Authors: Guy Dumas and Joanna Lilley
The landscape of behavioral healthcare and mental healthcare is changing by the hour. Programs that are licensed through each state are being held accountable by that state. Some states are halting all out-of-state clients from enrolling, which will have a devastating impact in real-time whether or not a program will remain open.
If, or when, a treatment program that your young adult is enrolled in closes you will need to know what therapeutic resources are available. As social distancing will be a thing that will most likely be happening far-longer than we originally anticipate, finding a coach to help your young adult in the meantime is going to be paramount.
Knowing what coaching looked like before, and what coaching is morphing into will be valuable information for every parent to have during this stressful time.
How Coaching looked prior to the COVID-19 crisis:
Post-treatment to provide support:
Graduates of treatment programs had experienced an opportunity to begin again before returning to “normalcy.”
Coaching involved continuing the momentum, stability and direction already begun.
Students engaged with and developed an organic network of support in his/her community.
Prior to treatment:
Coaching was an option to try to get back on track before taking on more involved treatment.
Coaching either succeeded or allowed for the individual to realize that he/she would benefit from a more supportive environment.
Student engaged with and developed an organic network of support in his/her community.
How Coaching is evolving during and post COVID-19 :
With clients being sent home prematurely from treatment,
They still need to establish personal momentum, stability and direction.
They will need to prioritize self care and basic demands of daily life.
With a clear assessment of the gains that they have made they can make the best of their current situation and recognize that their choices and behaviors going forward are important and powerful predictors of their relapse potential.
We currently need our young adults to be healthy and strong and we need them to be team players.
The state of the world has changed in the time that they have been away from home.
In many cases our young adults have never been truly needed. This may be a transformative experience as they consider service to their community.
In the years to come they will remember where they were and what they were doing during this time.
If young adults practice isolation and extreme social distancing during this time they may wish to learn about models for self-development and education that work well with withdrawing from the world.
They may learn from various hermit and rites of passage traditions which they think will work best for them.
They may keep engaged with online learning and need to develop the self discipline to track and correct their own behaviors.
Student still should engage with and develop an organic network of support in his/her community.
The benefit of coaching and technology allows for young adults to work with coaches from around the US. During this time of social distancing coaches can connect with their clients remotely. Even coaching or mentoring programs that are place-based are able to stretch a little beyond their typical boundary to help the growing number of young adults in desperate need of this current service.
Not sure where to start? There are coaching resources that specifically focus on mental health, recovery coaching, or life coaching. Here are some coaching resources, specifically working with young adults, that you can inquire with (in alphabetical order):
For questions or comments contact:
Guy Dumas via email
Wilderness Therapy: a healthcare respite during a public health crisis
Co-Authored by Lauren Angerosa and Joanna Lilley
A public health crisis is a ripe time for ambiguity and uncertainty. For those who are struggling with mental health and addiction issues, their personal struggles do not dissipate because of what’s happening in the world. If anything, the chaos and panic can cause mental health and addiction to feel heightened. Please know that help, that treatment, is still available.
All inpatient programs are changing protocols on admissions by the minute. This is in real-time with the changes that we know about COVID-19. For those who need structure and consistency, this is a very overwhelming time. What has come to light is that wilderness therapy may be one of the safest treatment interventions during this time. Let us break down how this is the case and how this may be an appropriate avenue for your adolescent or young adult.
Things that make wilderness therapy safe during the COVID-19 crisis:
Handwashing and health has always been a priority. You can check out a video here of a recent wilderness therapy program who wanted to show the world how they’ve been doing it for years: A field tutorial on washing hands
Social distancing is already something that wilderness programs do. The isolative nature of wilderness field sites and programmatics means that students are benefiting from public distance both in medical and therapeutic terms.
Open-air environment. Especially in nomadic wilderness programs, students spend their entire stay outdoors. In programs with a base camp, students also spend a significant amount of time living outside. This time outside allows for sunlight and fresh air which contributes to wellness in general.
Less surfaces where the virus can thrive. Using nature as the classroom drastically cuts down on the traditional surfaces common in homes and buildings where the virus can live and spread.
Things that are slightly changed during this time of public health concern:
“Welcome group” - Instead of an adolescent or young adult immediately entering a group, there will be a “welcome group” where they will temporarily remain until the stay can be assured that the incoming client is not asymptomatic or symptomatic. Once they are cleared, they will transition into being with the rest of the group.
Staff health testing before heading into the field. Typically wilderness therapy staff exchanges will take place every 8 or 14 days. Staff who are returning back into the field from being in society will be medically screened to ensure they are not symptomatic. Any staff that is symptomatic will be immediately turned home to seek medical care.
Families encouraged to drive in, as opposed to flying (if possible). Although airlines and airports are aggressively working to clean their facilities and planes, there is less possibility of exposure to COVID-19 if a client drives. For families who cannot provide transportation or it is unsafe to transport their adolescent or young adult, transport services are still available. Transport companies are still operating their services and have shifted to driving many students when possible instead of flying. Transport companies have also updated their practices to include published protocols in how they interact with students in regards to the virus.
Limiting of outside people who will enter the field area and groups. This includes visitors like Therapeutic or Educational Consultants, Outreach staff from other programs, or families.
Family programming has shifted. Where programs used to invite families to the wilderness therapy location for a family workshop or intensive, programs have been forced to alter their programming. Family therapy is still a component of wilderness therapy, yet families will be doing it remotely until COVID-19 travel and protocols are lifted.
In uncertain times we know that a return to humanity is best practice. Nature has humanity at its finest on full display for all to experience. In moments like we are in the wilderness beckons with her ever present safety and consistency reminding us of our undeniable connection to each other. Our young people continue to show us that regardless of what their world looks like on the outside they are begging for safety and connection on the inside.
We ask that you please remember to continue to practice good self care during this time. Take a page from the wilderness therapy book and enjoy sunlight and fresh air when possible and safe. Our connection to each other is more important now than ever before. Find our contact information below if you are in need of guidance and or options for your adolescent or young adult. We are also available over video chat if you just need a friendly face.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Mental Health Interventions
The stereotype of interventionists still exists. And, families often minimize the crisis in their home. Both are cringe-worthy to think about. The popular TV show Intervention is also still very representative of what this could look like, especially if it’s related to substance use. What’s important to know, however, is that interventions are not strictly for those with substance abuse and/or addiction. There are clinically trained Interventionists that specialize in working with individuals struggling with mental health issues only. These are former therapists turned interventionists. There are more people that need mental health interventions than there are those who are available to help.
Before jumping into more details about mental health interventionists versus historical (or traditional) interventionist, we need to talk about why someone would do an intervention to begin with. The purpose of an intervention really falls into two categories. First, to activate change in those who are ready to make a change. And second, to confirm or review a true hierarchy of need. If you think about that for a second, you could really conclude that a lot of us could benefit from an intervention in our lives. Unfortunately, we still often think to interventions as only necessary for those addicted to opioids, or the like. Again, interventions do not have to be solely associated with those who are struggling with addiction.
In speaking with Mental Health Interventionists, you will discover common themes in who they are being hired to help. They do interventions for high school or college dropouts who are struggling to launch. They do interventions for those struggling significantly with anxiety and depression. Often, they even do interventions for young people with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Interventions can even be for the parents who are care taking for a capable young adult. Certainly, some of the young people (or parents!) listed above may also be wrestling with self-medication. Their primary struggle, however, is with mental health.
Often, I refer families to an Interventionist when it’s evident that there will be resistance to change – from the parents or the young adult. Most of those same families don’t believe they need to have an intervention, even if they are initially therapy resistant. As a professional, this recommendation is made for a reason. It could be because of split parents; not in agreement on what’s needed. Or it may be because the problems at hand have been ignored for years. As a professional after speaking with the parents, I see the writing on the wall in that getting their young adult into treatment is not going to be as easy. By bringing a professional into to help facilitate to conversation to engage in change, it could potentially bypass the power-struggles, manipulation to resist change, and traumatic emotional and verbal exchanges between family members. In the end, it’s all about love. Consider hiring someone who can help you with this process. Consider hiring a Mental Health Interventionist to help your loved one.
Not sure where to even look? Hire a Therapeutic Consultant to get you connected to the professional who will do a good job. A professional who will truly help your family.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Trust, but Verify
There are a lot of parents of college students who pay for their loved one to go to college. If you do that, you have a right to request to see your young adults’ grades. There are privacy laws that exist that protect your student, unless they’ve signed for you to have access. Even if they do that, you still want to have your young adult show you their grades. This becomes a business arrangement. You pay for their education, but in exchange they show you their transcript at the end of each semester.
Trust, but verify.
– Ronald Reagan
Trust what they tell you they earned and verify that they did in fact earn them. This may not have been what Ronald Reagan was referencing, however the quote fits well with this topic. And, it’s important to share because blindly trusting is a financial gamble that not every parent is willing to make.
Having worked in higher education, students often inflate their grades. Or more common, they aren’t self-aware that they can’t dig themselves out of a hole they’ve created. This cognitive distortion thinking is a blind optimism that can’t get a student out of receiving a D or a F for a class. If parents are paying for education and a student isn’t doing well, there can be a lot of shame associated with their performance. The students who I encountered often associated their performance as a reflection of who they were as a person. The last thing they ever wanted was to look anything less than perfect in their parents’ eyes. And once a student starts struggling academically and lying about their performance, it’s hard to dig themselves out.
Students will not share that they’re on academic probation, or they won’t let a parent know they have been academically suspended. They never shared that they weren’t going to class, and instead of withdrawing they just hid in their dorm room all semester. That’s a lot of money that was spent with nothing to show. The only way to ensure it never gets to this point without a parent having a pulse on the situation is to verify grades at the end of each semester. If you are paying for tuition, being able to view grades after the semester is through is confirmation that you’re investing in the future of your child. If you aren’t seeing the grades for yourself, you are investing in the hope that your young adult is telling the truth about their performance. By verifying, you are saying you still trust your kid and you’re also saying you need to see if it for yourself to continue writing that tuition check. That’s it.
Don’t get caught in a situation where you show up for your young adult’s college graduation only to find out that they were academically suspended several semesters ago (yes, this is a real situation!). Invest in your kids’ future and ensure that your investment is money well spent. There is nothing wrong with verifying that they are doing well academically. If anything, it’s a validation of your financial investment in their professional future.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Researching Collegiate Recovery Programs
Returning to college or transferring post-treatment, can feel overwhelming. In all fairness, the stakes are high and there are a lot of options. In addition to finding a school that will accept you and a potential checkered academic history without judgement, you also want to find the collegiate recovery community (CRC) or collegiate recovery program (CRP) that fits your non-academic needs. Like finding the right treatment program, you also want to do your due diligence in finding which collegiate program is best for you. Neither is a one-size-fits-all. You want to find the crew of degree-seeking individuals who still want to have sober fun on campus, and who are grateful for an opportunity to reengage on campus, and in life.
This may be a second or a seventh attempt at college. There is no judgement in that regard, as this time around you may truly be ready. We want to make sure you get connected to the institution that support you in all areas of wellness. In doing research on collegiate recovery programs, you may find that there are a lot of schools out there that boast a CRC or CRP. In fact, there’s even an organization called the Association for Recovery in Higher Education (ARHE). They host all the schools, yet it’s on the family and young adult to do the research in finding out which one is best for your specific needs! The best way to know what to do look for in a CRC or CRP is to ask the following questions while researching collegiate recovery:
When was the program founded?
What is the current number of students on campus? How many of those students are participants in your program?
How many of them are transfer students versus First-year Freshmen?
Is the recovery program open to both graduate and undergraduate students?
Does the program have a dedicated on-campus recovery residence? If yes, how many beds?
What off-campus sober living options you would recommend for transfer students?
Are there full-time, dedicated (licensed) Clinicians who work within your Collegiate Recovery Program only?
If yes, what are their caseloads?
What other university staff are involved in this program?
Who is the point person to guide us through the Admissions process?
What are the admissions requirements?
Is the Admissions process for this program separate from the official university Admissions department?
What documentation and information will we need to collect in order to apply to this institution?
What common hang-ups do you often see in the Admissions process for students trying to apply?
How will having a criminal record and/or felony conviction(s) impact the application or admission process?
How can we apply for Financial Aid? What is the likelihood we’ll receive aid?
Are there scholarships available specifically for students in recovery?
Are there additional fees or costs associated with this recovery program and/or residence?
Is there a minimum amount of sobriety needed prior to enrolling in your program?
Is the recovery program inclusive of students with process disorders and disordered eating diagnoses as well as substance use disorder?
How are students in this recovery program held accountable to their sobriety? (i.e. do you drug test students?)
What is the process if a student has a relapse?
Have students in recovery participated in Athletics at your school, and if so, can you describe the process to get involved?
Does this recovery program have an annual report on graduation data, abstinence rate, average GPA, etc.?
Who are the stakeholders involved in this collegiate recovery community?
On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being not great, 10 being thriving) how would you rank the young people’s recovery community within the college town?
Is this collegiate recovery program endowed? If not, has there been a history of budget decreases due to Administrators reallocating funds to other departments on campus?
What sober activities are offered weekly? Can you share an example schedule?
Is the recovery program specific to a recovery modality, such as 12-Step?
For someone coming from treatment, are there designated spaces on campus for meditation? Outdoor/adventure therapy?
How does this recovery program support students with co-occurring diagnoses?
Upon graduation, how do this program support alumni in recovery?
Are there other programs that you would recommend we research before applying to your institution?
This is a lot to ask. Better to ask now than to enroll and realize it’s not what you thought it would be! In this case, it may be helpful to hire a College Consultant. I would personally recommend a team who understands those glitches in higher education, or you can find a professional who has depth and knowledge of the law and admissions process for those who were suspended or expelled from former institutions. Having a professional on your side may make this researching process a little less daunting. Your recovery is very important, and your success in continued education is also important! It can feel like a full-time job to find the best between the two.
There will be recovery programs out there that will recommend sober living and specific CRC or CRPs. You can follow their advice by blindly trusting their recommendations, or you can do the research yourself to ensure that those recommendations are what’s best for you. You don’t want to regret where you enroll, as your engagement with the CRC or CRP can really be the make or break fanning the embers of your interest in post-secondary education. Bring it back to a roaring fire, but do that by connecting with professionals who can help you get to that best institution.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Staying at home is not okay
When your over-18-year-old is not causing problems, other than the fact that they are still living at home it may appear hard to ask them to leave. They aren’t using drugs. They aren’t fighting with you, unless you ask them to get off their gaming system. They aren’t bringing strangers over to hook up. So how can you justify “kicking them out of the house?” The reality is, these are the young adults who need a nudge more than anyone! With kids getting in trouble, it’s easier to pinpoint the reason they need to leave.
View it this way: your home has become the womb. Your young adult has retreated into the womb. It’s comfortable in there. And for the most part as parents, there are no serious concerns. They kick occasionally, but otherwise you just acknowledge you’re carrying extra weight and nothing else. You’ve been growing a human forever, and at what breaking point do you say I’m tired of having a 32-year-old baby? Going from non-confrontational to confronting your loved one to leave can feel terrifying and out-of-character. This is not tough love, this is strictly holding a boundary. You don’t have to be harsh, just firm. If you’ve never done this before though, it’s going to feel weird! Also know you don’t have to do this alone. There is help! You can get coaching on how to say and when to say “it’s time.”
If you have a history of addiction in the family, it’s important to view tech addiction in the same vain as addiction to any substance. If your young adult exhibits a loss of control, they are thinking obsessively about gaming or their tech use, and if they have continued using despite consequences (i.e. losing another part-time, hourly job or deteriorating relationship with parents) these are all signs that staying at home and taking advantage of living at home rent-free can be more catastrophic than someone with drug addiction.
Do no minimize your kids’ situation because they aren’t getting in trouble in the law. Do no minimize your kid’s situation because they are living at home under your roof and you can keep an eye on them. Do not minimize your kid’s situation because they are “just playing video games.” Failure to launch is a real thing, and you are enabling your young adult from getting on with their life. Stop what you are doing. Learning how to parent an adult, as you have continued to parent as if you had a child at home. What happens to them if you die tomorrow? This is not a scare tactic; this is a legitimately a question I want you to answer. If they wouldn’t support themselves financially or know how to care for themselves you need to stop what you’re doing immediately and get them the help they need to grow up. It’s not too late.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Comparing Apples to Apples
When a family researches and then compares treatment programs for a loved one, it’s imperative to ask the same questions of each program being considered. If a family asks different questions to different programs, they are comparing apples to oranges. To make the most informed decision about which program to select, a family needs to compare apples to apples.
If the family has hired a Therapeutic Consultant, they will most likely receive a sheet of guiding questions to ask programs when inquiring for a loved one. The categories of those questions can cover topics such as admissions process, therapeutic model/structure, daily schedule, technology access, insurance, food, communication, timeline for treatment, and success rates and outcomes. These are beautiful starting points to be able to truly vet a program to learn if it’s a good fit for a family.
Families often are impressed or underwhelmed with a program website. When doing additional research beyond looking over the website, it’s imperative to ask the same questions to each program. A family may find themselves surprised with how a treatment program that looks “meh” online may be the most impressive after speaking with a representative over the phone. Families must look beyond just online research! The calls to programs will be the most important in the research process. Reviewing the website is merely preliminary research.
In the end, if a family doesn’t ask the same questions of different programs, they will not be appropriately comparing programs. Ask the same questions. Make an informed decision on which program would be most appropriate for their loved one! Your loved ones recovery is priority, and if a family selects a program that is “meh,” their loved one will suffer.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Not all Treatment is Created Equal
Just like all education is not equal, and not every homemade pie tastes the same. There’s a noticeable difference in the ingredients, the texture, the presentation, the filling, and the taste. It’s. All. About. The. Taste!
What’s important to know is that not all treatment is meant to be created equal! Programs may fit within a category or a level of treatment, or they straddle two categories. Or maybe they offer the full continuum of levels of programming. What you won’t find is a residential program being paired against a sober living facility. Those types of programs aren’t mean to be compared. It’s not the same level of care. When you are looking for resources in comparing, remember that there is a lot you need to specifically pay attention to.
When comparing programs make sure you are asking the same questions to each program. Remember, you are interviewing them to ensure they are the most appropriate for your needs! If you ask one about their menu, but you don’t ask the other you will not have a full picture of what you’re signing up for. There’s a lot of options out there and it’s certainly hard to narrow it all down. Honestly, it’s a full-time to narrow it down. How do I know? That’s what I do!
My favorite when comparing recovery programs is that because they may have “recovery” in their name, don’t assume it’s a 12-step based program. In fact, there are a lot of recovery programs out there that prefer Dharma Recovery or Refuge Recovery over 12-step. To each their own! Again, not all treatment is created equal!
Some programs will be in-network with insurance companies, some will be out-of-network, and some only accept private paying clients. Some will have strong family involvement, and some allow the family involvement to be optional. Some will have a milieu of five residents, and some will have the capacity for 86. Again, not at all equal.
This is just food for thought. When you are looking for a treatment program, you may not know exactly the level of care you’re needing. In that case, please do not go to Google to look, but rather find a local professional who can help guide you through this process.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
How to ensure Success in Treatment
Let’s be real. Nothing is guaranteed. There are a million moving parts at play for your loved one to be successful in treatment. In my experience, here’s what really indicates whether a loved one will be successful:
First, they need to be at the right treatment program from the get-go. If you enrolled your loved one in a treatment program solely because of insurance, your friend’s kid went there, or you did Google research and found them, let’s just hope it’s a good fit. In this situation though, hope can be moot point.
Be prepared for your own flood of emotions once you no longer have the loved one to care for you or be your caretaker. It’s like visualizing twiddling your thumbs but it gets faster and faster as your anxiety builds. Here’s my suggestion: If you aren’t seeing your own therapist, get on it. Immediately! If you need to take a mini vacation, do it! Self-care will be key!
Parents need to anticipate that within the first two weeks of treatment their young adult will ask to leave. They will know exactly what to say, how to say it, and who to say it to in order to get what they want – which is out of treatment. They’re enrolled for a reason though. As the parents, you need to anticipate this manipulation and hold a firm boundary. If you rescue them, it’s game over.
If you get through the initial shock of enrollment and hold the boundary for them to remain engaged, then you need to prepare for a honeymoon of what will appear to be significant clinical strides. No, it’s not the “one step forward, two steps back” but rather a “two steps forward, one step back.” This is a slow process and you don’t want to get overly excited when you hear how well your loved one is progressing.
As we hit the half-way mark of treatment, chances are the Therapist will broach the topic of next steps post-graduation. Never, and I mean never, is returning home a good idea for a young adult. In terms of what’s recommended, I’ll always defer to the Clinician working with the young adult. If they believe they need a recovery program, I’m recommending a recovery program. If they say a young adult transitional program would be best, I’ll start searching for that type of option. Basically, if they say jump, I jump. Not because I’m a robot, but because clinically I defer to the Therapist who has been working with my client’s judgement. I have worked with parents who have gone against clinical recommendations. You want to guess what happened next? About 99% of them ended up going back to get the level of treatment that was originally recommended, after an unfortunate series of events with their young adult. The 1%, well they are still working a part-time job paving the road for their young adult because they refuse to admit that it would have been easier follow clinical recommendations.
Once the continued care placement is locked down, anticipate some backsliding after enrollment. It’s normal. They are settling into a new environment, with new structures in place, and with a new community. Stay the course, and help they stay the course, and you’ll continue to see progress.
Don’t believe any of this? That’s okay too. I’m just speaking from experience.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
What Success in Treatment Looks Like
We do a great job of identifying the pitfalls of young adults and their families. Mostly, I’m speaking for the work I do because it’s so easy to lean on what needs to be done differently. What we often forget to highlight though is what success through treatment could look like. Success is such an ambiguous word, it’s hard to pin down a representation across the behavioral healthcare industry. Similarly, to how we approach our clients we ought to be clear in saying that “success looks different for everyone.” That’s frustrating to the parent who needs to see results, especially large and obvious gains.
It’s important to reiterate the importance of treatment not being a “fix” for a loved one. That’s not how treatment works. To think that a Clinical will be able undo what’s been done for years in less than 10 weeks is an unrealistic expectation. To move a loved one in 10 weeks to being willing to change, now that’s a win!
It’s hard to anticipate what could happen when you enroll a loved one in treatment. When asking a program for success stories and outcomes, it’s important for the parent to being willing to hold a mirror up to themselves. Their loved one in treatment isn’t the only doing work. The family has to be all-hands on deck. The families that I have witnessed having the “most success” are the ones where the parents did just as much work to change, as their adolescent or young adult.
Success could look like several days sober and skills to not return to addictive substances once an adverse situation strikes. Notice how I didn’t say “if” it strikes. We all know life is full of wrenches. Success could also look like a kid who doesn’t lose their pencil the entire time they’re in treatment. The ability to be responsible for such an arbitrary item, as actually translate to the possibilities of what could snowball after graduation.
Success is hard to define. And to truly be open to the possibilities of what success could look like post-treatment, it begins with letting go of expectations. We must be more accepting of the reality of what life for our loved one will look. Success can look like only being responsible for your own self, and no one else. Success looks like a young adult who chooses to have a job or go back to school because it’s what they want, not what they’re being told.
In t he end, it could look a lot of different ways. But for a young adult, all you want is for them to be moving forward with their life. Going to treatment it going to help with that movement.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
College isn't going anywhere!
Not letting your college student withdraw for fear of them never returning to college is an irrational fear.
This is not an opinion, but rather a fact. The oldest university in the U.S. claims to be founded in 1636. That is ancient if you ask me. If you are afraid that if your young adult leaves college that they’ll never return, that does not need to be a valid fear. To be direct, college will still be there when they’re ready to return.
Not having a traditional college experience between the ages of 18-22, is a common thing for a lot of people. If your young adult is not thriving in college for several reasons, it’s totally okay for them to stay away. Now, it’s not okay for them to leave and retreat to your basement to spend the rest of their days. That sounds unfulfilling for all parties involved. If they need to take a break, let them. It will all work out.
If they leave and never return, it’s not for a lack of trying. It would be because your young adult decided they didn’t need a college degree for their career path. Maybe they fall in love with welding and get a certification. They’ll be making more in six months in that career path than if they had spent another three years studying at a university.
If they ever choose to return, they totally can. Want to hear why? Because college is still there when they decide to apply. Now it may not be the same exact institution, studying alongside the same cohort, but in the end what does that matter? We want our young people to feel less pressured into a path they aren’t ready. If they need to hit pause from studying in college to unplug, unwind, and get more in touch with their purpose, passion, and needs, then we ought to encourage to do just that.
College isn’t going anywhere. If your young adult needs to leave, they need to leave. If they return, great! If they don’t, then they’ll go back when they’re ready. That’s it. If you are worried they won’t return to college, you’re focusing on the wrong piece of the situation altogether!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.