Cold Feet
It’s hard to not panic, especially at the start of the academic year. For parents of children returning to school after a summer off, the anxiety around a new start to a school year is well underway. Will they make news friends? Will they like their teacher(s)? Hopefully this year is uneventful other than in positive or exciting ways. Being an adolescent and young adult is hard though. Really hard.
What about the young adults who were supposed to enroll in college but got cold feet at the last minute? How does a parent in this situation not panic? Although it’s easy to hit pause (or defer) a last-minute college semester enrollment, but then what? What’s the plan? Of what if the student already had a couple semesters (or years) in college, and they’re just deciding last minute not to return? What then?
Not going to college, or not returning to college is okay. Let me repeat that. Not enrolling in college is totally normal. If your young adult is doing this, it’s not uncommon. It’s a choice, and if your child is advocating not to go, don’t force their hand. Instead, engage in a conversation about what they’re going to do instead. Here’s the beautiful thing about this moment in time: they can switch gears. They can create a different plan. Life isn’t linear, so let’s give them the space to work out where they’re wanting their journey to take them. The only time I’d be really worried is when there is no plan at all, because then “the plan” (aka what your child is doing) falls onto you as a parent. After the age of 18, this isn’t necessarily something you had hoped for, let alone envisioned.
Parents are then forced to continue to not just parent, but manage, your young adults’ day-to-day. I’ve yet to meet a family where this didn’t create conflict between the parents and young adult at some point. Enforcing curfews, time on tech, and doing chores were among some of rules parents put in place that quickly may not be followed. Parents find themselves stuck. What parents don’t realize though is that they also have a choice too. They have choice in what they’re willing to support their child in doing. Living at home isn’t a guarantee, but a privilege. So if they aren’t in college, then what’s the plan?
Having cold feet is normal. In fact, I’d encourage a young adult who at the last-minute panics about doing something (ie going to college). I want them to learn to trust their gut. If this is a habit or pattern of getting cold feet, then we need to help them learn to feel comfortable dipping their toe out into the world of independence from parents. And parents, you need to understand that cold feet, although is normal, doesn’t mean you are responsible to caretake for your young adult indefinitely. Get connected to resources that help you understand what boundaries to set with your child, and how to continue to support them in launching away from home.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
