“I’m Not Okay if my Kid’s Not Okay”
Not long ago a parent said this to me. Fortunately, immediately thereafter they did say “I know this is unhealthy to say, but it’s true.” The self-awareness was there, which was good, yet the reality of their disclosure shook me. Individuation for parents and young adults is already tricky, but then you factor in a young adult who’s really struggling with mental health issues and it creates the perfect family dynamic of a “unwell system.” And before you get pissed at me for saying that, hear me out.
We talk about parents having to put their oxygen mask on first. And we also talk about boundaries, especially those that relate to emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing. But if a parent puts the oxygen mask on their child first, or better yet, they try to share the same oxygen mask together, well you can anticipate how well that’d go over. That’s kind of what this parent was insinuating. If his daughter couldn’t breathe, then he couldn’t breathe. This was going to be a delicate situation for me to work with.
If you like riding on rollercoasters by all means, keep riding them. I personally don’t like them at all anymore and I’ll chalk it up to a few turbulent experiences on an airplane. If I do choose to ride a rollercoaster now, I get tired after just a couple of times. Imagine losing sleep or being worried sick because your young adult is telling you they’re unwell. That panic as a parent floods you and you may not be able to think rationally or logically on how to best support your child. It’s a stressful time all around.
This mindset is very unhealthy. As a parent, if you are allowing your child’s emotions to dictate your own state of being, you’re in for a world of hurt. Literally. You must differentiate yourself emotionally and mentally from your child. A recommendation for seeing your own individual outpatient therapist isn’t a significant enough of a recommendation for a parent in this situation. In fact, I’d jump to recommend an individual therapy intensive, or parent coaching and/or clinical training. A break from your child, and a couple days of deep diving with a therapist to help you figure out how to manage your own emotions when your child struggles. Your kid will struggle off and on throughout life, that’s just a given. They were dumped? It happens. Lost a friend group? Definitely common. Lost a job? More common than we name. Your child needs the regulation skills to handle these conflicts. And if they aren’t able to learn it because you’re in the trenches with them, then you’ll wake up one day realizing how impaired you are yourself, and hopefully you’ll seek out that therapy intensive.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
