When Living at Home is Okay
Let me start by owning that I have softened when it comes to talking about this topic with parents. I used to be so rigid about the need for every fledgling to leave the nest. Of course, I still highly recommend this yet I can acknowledge that there are times when it’s okay for a young adult to live with their parent(s). Let’s talk about what it looks like when the young adult is living with the parent and it’s an acceptable (and healthy) dynamic.
First, there needs to be clearly communicated expectations of what is allowed and not allowed while they are living under your roof. If it’s not conveyed that this is a generous offering from you to allow them to live with you, it needs to be. Expressed gratitude for you allowing them to stay with you would ideally be communicated. If they have a curfew, they need to follow it. If they have to ask to use the car before they take it out, they need to understand this and abide by it. If you are asking that there be no alcohol or weed in the house, they need to respect your rules. If they are expected to do their own dishes, empty the dishwasher, do their laundry, cook, and/or clean the house, it needs to be specifically stated and the young adult needs to follow the rules. If at any time the young adult is not following these, then you encourage them to find housing elsewhere.
Secondly, there needs to be an end goal for them moving out. It doesn’t have to be next week or next month even, just a long-term goal to not be dependent on or cohabitating with their parents for the rest of their life. The goal could be to save up enough money for first and last month’s rent to move into their own apartment, or even saving up enough for a down payment on a house. Maybe they’re saving up for a ring to propose to their significant other. Or, maybe they’re living with you while they get their degree before they land a full-time job that takes them somewhere else. We just want to make sure there’s an end in sight. Now, some cultures this is encouraged. For that, I say follow your cultural norms and don’t listen to anything I write!
Thirdly, the young adult needs to be in school full-time or working full-time. This isn’t negotiable, because they need to out of the house and “working” for at least 40 hours a week. I’d go above this and even encourage there to be some sort of requirement where they are of-service at least once a month. Volunteering to pass out water for local races, packing school lunches, and picking up trash in the local park could be some simple and local ideas. We need experiences where we are giving ourselves to others who need it. It teaches us compassion, work ethic, and exposes us to the inequities and needs that exist in our local communities. Your volunteer service matters, which means you matter. We need more young adults that have experiences where they can internalize that they matter.
When you have a 21-year-old, or even 35-year-old living at home who’s not employed or in school, not contributing (financially or with chores), playing video games all day, disrespecting your boundaries and rules, and expects that you care for them indefinitely, that is an example of a situation that is not setting the young adult up for success. The parent will have a dependent adult child living with them until they died. Let’s work to avoid this.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
