You cannot grow in someone’s shadow

Someone recently said this to me, and I stopped in my tracks.  A therapist shared this with me, uttering the words at a barely audible hum.  Her words were so simple, and yet so profound.  Possibly even dumbfounding for me.  I don’t consider myself to have a green thumb, and yet I know most things need sun.  The wheels were not just turning but churning in my head.  This is a rich way for me to describe to parents how their young adult may never grow if they don’t let them step out from behind the parent’s shadow.

I won’t claim to understand photosynthesis.  If were to put an imagine in front of me asking to identify the evolution of life for a plant, I would cringe.  It’s been easily 18 years, if not longer that I’ve had to do anything remotely like that.  Trust me, it’s not that I don’t wish I had the magic touch of cultivating plants, it’s a case of lack-of-interest at the time.  But now?  I’m really interested.  I’m bought it, intrigued and eager.

This me be how some parents feel when they are also raising their children.  You want to make sure they have all the sunlight they need.  You go out of your way to make sure they not only have all the nutrient they need, but you go above and beyond to make sure they have access.  Top of the line soil.  You transplant to a better location if they aren’t getting what they need.  You gently massage their roots, and you weed and trim often.  You want your plant to not just thrive but look beautiful in the process.  Maybe you get to the point of being obsessed with this plant’s growth.  Maybe it’s all consuming.  Maybe you yourself neglect your own needs because you want to make sure this plant outlives you.  Then one day, you start to feel exhausted, depleted of the nutrients you need for your own well-being.  You are feeling the wilt.  Or, maybe you’re still thriving, but you’ve planted this other plant too close to you.  It’s stunted and unable to fully blossom.  Maybe it’s dying because of the lack of sunlight it needs, or not getting the nutrients.  What a powerful metaphor.

You are a parent.  Your young adult is still being treated like a seedling and not left to grow on it’s own.  It’s not trusted to get the nutrients it needs.  It’s never had to weed or trim, because you’ve always done that for them.  It’s never needed to be transplanted, because it’s been taken care of forever in one spot.  Why put in the effort to re-root?  I could keep going with this beautiful imagine.  In the end, it’s important to parents of young adults to treat their adults like an adult.  Give them the space to try to grow and thrive on their own.  If you don’t, they will forever be stuck in your shadow stunted and wilting.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.