Consultant as Contractor

Asking someone to trust your judgment and recommendations can be a tall order.  If a family struggles with trust, this can be extremely challenging.  They’re at a crossroads where they realize they hired a professional to help find them an ethical and appropriate treatment option for their loved one, but then as soon as the recommendations are presented the family exposes their disbelief in the process.  This is a very common situation that I have with families I work with.  Not because I’m not a trustworthy person, but because some family members have deep developmental trauma at their core that surrounds trust.

So, how do you get a family to trust you?

For me, I’ve had families ask me before to provide contact information for former or current families that have worked with me.  Some consultants do this.  I do not, and by saying no, this doesn’t always sit well with clients.  My reason is just this: no family is the same, and we’re talking about human beings.  With that in mind, humans have ups and downs.  Just because a family was grateful for my services when they needed me doesn’t mean that they’re forever in the clear of any hiccups. This is way I list testimonials on my website.  Those are real, and recent experiences written by families that have worked with me. 

A father recently shared a metaphor of his experience after I presented program recommendations for his young adult.  What was looking like defiance from the outside was in fact real-time struggle grappling with the idea of buying a house, site unseen.  The father proceeded to break down his concerns with me.  He said it’s like “buying a house based on pictures.  You don’t receive a review or inspection report. It’s also without knowing the neighborhood. And all within a matter of days.”  Now if you are a parent and are reading this, please understand that there are a lot of ways you can go about this experience without feeling this way.  Programs invite you and your young adult to visit, when it’s appropriate.  Unlike Consultants, some programs will provide contact information for families who have had a loved one in the program.  There are ample reviews you can read online, which I highly suggest you take with a grain of salt.  And since the young adult is the one who will be in the program, their gut feeling and sense about the place is what is most important.  If a parent is feeling that paralyzed and uncomfortable with the “purchase of a house,” then as their consultant I would recommend additional support services (i.e. coaching, therapy, etc.) for the parents individually.

Speaking of cost, this example is also appropriate based on pricing.  Paying for treatment can be in line with a mortgage, or more.  For a parent to be concerned about throwing money away, I absolutely understand that.  More of a reason to hire a Consultant!  We are the least expensive part in this process, and yet the most valuable!  What I can speak to though is that as a Consultant, I am not referring programs that aren’t clinically sophisticated and appropriate in helping your loved one.  Not only that, but the money you are paying for they can transparently break down the cost for you to help understand what the sticker price represents. 

In the end, you cannot tell someone to trust you.  All you can do is be transparent and honest about everything so they can learn to trust.  As a Therapeutic Consultant, I do not accept any compensation from programs when/if I refer a client to them.  You’ll find that more in the Substance Use industry.  Some of my clients are looking for substance use treatment and if they hire me to help them, I have a very short list of ethical programs I’d refer to.  And that’s after heavily vetting them.  In this case, it’s 100xs better to have hired a consultant to help with recommending solid programs rather than chancing what’s in-network with your insurance and seeing your loved one become a product of patient brokering.  Don’t know what I’m talking about?  Just Google it.

There’s no single way to completely trust this process.  If you are hiring someone to help you find placements though, that’s a start.  You don’t have the time, energy, or understanding of where to begin in finding a treatment program.  If that’s the case, then when a Therapeutic Consultant provides you with placement recommendations try not to immediately second guess the options.  What you have laid out in front of you may be anxiety inducing and think of how much more anxious you’d be if your options weren’t narrowed down?  To trust is so much easier said than done.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Self-Care is not Selfish

I’m going to hang my hat on this topic being why so many people struggle.  Adolescents, young adults, and even parents don’t take the necessarily time for themselves because ultimately, they view acts of self-care as selfish.  There is most likely a feeling of guilt associated with it, which never helps anyone take better care of themselves.  Let’s look at how we can view self-care differently.

With it being the start of the new year, people often employ efforts to try to exercise, lose weight, quit smoking or drinking, start a new hobby, or get organized.  It’s all in good faith, but realistically we know that most people will fizzle out from following through.  Why?  Because we get overwhelmed, we lean back on old habits, and establishing a new routine takes discipline and dedication.  If you have people around you that require caretaking, it’s even easier to let go of what you need for yourself.

Let me remind you the true definition of what it means to be selfish:

self·ish

/ˈselfiSH/

adjective

1.    (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

Synonyms include egocentric, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-serving, thoughtless, and uncaring.

Woof.

In reading that, it’s no wonder no one wants to follow through with self-care.  The association with self-care seems extremely negative and unflattering.  In all serious though, how can you expect to take care of someone else if you can’t take care of yourself?  Or if you aren’t fully well enough to care for someone else, how do you expect that you’ll have time to get better yourself?

You may also be asking for me to clarify “self-care.”  Happily!  Some ways to taking care of yourself include: getting exercise, saying “no” to others, eating healthy, making sleep mandatory, getting outside, being around pets, taking a personal vacation, or reading self-help books.  That’s just to name a few.  The idea is that you are taking care of yourself so you aren’t overwhelmed, stretched thin, exhausted, feeling lethargic, or unhappy.  A lot can change in a short amount of time if you prioritize your own self-care.

Let’s put aside the nasty connotations that are associated with the idea of self-care being selfish.  It’s truly not selfish to prioritize your own well-being.  It’s necessary for your overall wellbeing.  If someone wants to see it as selfish, let them.  If you view your self-care prioritization in a positive light, then others will eventually come around to your perspective.  If they still refuse to consider it anything other than selfish, be proud of yourself for selfishly caring for yourself!  

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

True words are not charming...

And charming words, are not true.

The first time I heard this line from a quote was from a eulogy at the funeral of a 17-year-old who had died by suicide. The young man had been a participant at a program I worked for just a few months before his death, and was seen a real leader within his crew. His death spotlighted the epitome of how those who are struggling the most may be the ones who appear the most put-together. Or they may be the ones who go to great lengths to hide their pain. For those of us around them, we may not see the pain in it’s entirety.

That funeral was excruciating. The pain in the room was visceral and there were so many people who showed up that there were hundreds of people standing outside the funeral, just waiting to get in. There was not a dry eye anywhere. The family was completely shattered, and rightfully so. Suicide consistently has that affect.

It was after that day that I hung up my hat in working with adolescents. I blamed the bureaucratic tape that represents the “ask for permission, not forgiveness” mantra, as the reason why my colleagues felt their hands were tied. Even though we had been warned that he was struggling, it was recommended to leave it up to other folks in his life to reach out. It was out of our purview.

With that experience, I never hesitate to reach out directly and indirectly to my clients. I work with young adults because I want to ensure their safety and if that means they get pissed at me temporarily, so be it. I’ve been known to fill out inquiries for Students of Concern on college campuses. If you don’t think I wouldn’t do that, or haven’t, you clearly don’t know how assertive I can be when it comes to a young adults’ well-being. In working with young adults, I don’t have to wait for parent permission to reach out, or to speak out. I’d just rather ask for forgiveness any day, than lose another life because of the formality of asking for permission.

My experience is a true story. It is a harrowing one. My disinterest in working with adolescents in not charming. The youngest client I’ll take is 17 1/2 and I am very selective with that specific-aged client. If you ever believe you’re overhearing me serenade anyone around the notion of working with adolescents, it would not be true. I’d like to live and work in my truth, regardless of how charming or not charming it appears to be.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Reflections on a winter in the field

Winter is nostalgic for me.  I’ve always loved the snow and the stillness that comes with winter.  The earth becomes rather dormant, and there’s a growing draw for hibernation.  It’s a time where I feel most mindful.  The sights, sounds, smells, feelings, and tastes are so much richer to me during this time of year.  The opportunity for reflection and gratitude is abundant.

Why am I sharing this?  Well, because this is the time every year that I feel most alive.  Even when the call for hibernation rings louder, I can’t help but redirect my attention to being outdoors.  Over the last 13 years, I’ve found myself in winter wonderlands.  Areas with consistent snowfall, cold temperatures, and active outdoor communities.  How could anyone feel the effects of seasonal affective disorder after being outside to have the frigid air hit your lungs, your nose hairs freeze as you inhale, and then peel off the layers of clothing by a fire while drinking a warm drink? Even when I was in the field as a field staff, I appreciated these exact moments.

I would see the forecast for the day and had the option to dread what was to come, or dress appropriately and still get myself outside.  Always ensuring I had on a hat, gloves, a zipped-up jacket, and ate more calories than I believed I could stomach.  Ask me to remember the faces or names of the young people who I worked with in the summer, and I couldn’t recall anything.  Ask me the same for the young people who I spent the winter months with, and I vividly share their stories.  These are young people who have left an imprint my life, whether they’ll ever know it or not.  I try to visit outdoor behavioral healthcare programs in the winter rather than the summer, if I can get there! Therefore, I admire and appreciate field staff who are choosing to work in the winter.  There is an unspoken bond that we all have. The same goes for the young participants who are out there not just surviving, but also working through their therapeutic process.  There’s something to be said about a person who does this in the winter versus another time of the year.

So, while the temperatures are continuing to drop, the snow is piling up, and we are settling in for a long winter I just wanted to reflect on my time in the field.  Although it was ages ago, it still feels like yesterday.  I wouldn’t take back that time for anything.  It made me stronger, wiser, and more appreciative for the little things in life.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Confrontation: You Attract What You Avoid

Confrontation is unavoidable.  And if you are actively avoiding it, unbeknownst to you, you are inviting more of it into your life.  It’s karma.  Let me break it down for you.

Healthy confrontation is inevitable.  What separates all of us is those who are avoidant and those who are not.  For those of us who want to have a conversation, we understand the naturalness of it all.  We don’t necessarily love it or actively seek it out, and yet we fully comprehend that we won’t get along with everyone every second of every day or agree on every topic.  That’s not normal.  We may agree to disagree.  By reaching out to engage in a conversation to clarify the confrontation, we are showing a sign of maturity.  We want to put down any swords and rationally discuss where we are at odds.

By confronting someone you are also allowing for all the chips to be on the table.  Whether or not they respond and are willing to engage in a conversation is on them.  You just have to understand that their response is not in your control.  Only you can control putting those chips on the table, or not.  Not of course you want to make sure you are picking your battles wisely.  If you feed off confrontation I would encourage you to find a Therapist if you aren’t already seeing one.  Of if your child is constantly picking fights, consider hiring a Therapeutic Consultant to help them find peace.  If you haven’t read The Anatomy of Peace, I highly encourage you to do so.  The applicability to anyone reading this is high.

In attempting to smooth over any discord, all people associated may show respect.  To be brave enough to approach confrontation head-on is worthy of respect.  Confrontation is uncomfortable, even if it’s a simple misunderstanding.  It’s way easier to avoid any resolution, but as discussed in this title by doing so you are putting out into the universe to invite other confrontations.

Where you need to be careful is not coming across as aggressive.  For someone who is actively avoiding confrontation, being approached by the other person can come across negatively.  If that happens, it’s only because of a significant miscommunication.  In that case, I would encourage the person who is assertively reaching out to continue to do so in a mature, and rational manner.  You can only control your own actions.  If you reach out multiple times with no response from the other party, it’s okay at some point to just say you’ve put the ball in their court.  You’ll sleep well at night because you know you aren’t avoiding confrontation.  In that case, you aren’t inviting it into your life.  You’ll just need to be kind and empathetic for when, not if, the other person comes to you to dispel the miscommunication.  At some point they will get tired of inviting all the confrontation in their life and will become brave enough themselves to assert a discussion to put away any swords.

For questions reach out to Joanna.

Thankfulness vs. Gratitude

With it being Thanksgiving Day, it feels cliché to be talking about gratitude.  Yet, here I am talking about.  What I’ve been actively working on recently is trying to ensure I differentiate “thankfulness” and “gratitude.”  Here’s a quote I really respond to:

“Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude. Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness. Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts.”

– Henri Frederic Amiel

Since my launching my therapeutic consulting practice full time, I have expressed thankfulness towards those who have recommended me to families.  Without you, I would still be scrambling to identify as an entrepreneur.  In this quote though, I resonate with the line about gratitude being the completion of thankfulness.  That is where I realize I have dropped the ball.  I said “thank you” until I was blue in the face for being added to a list of Consultants recommended to families, and clearly that was not a complete act of expressing my gratitude.  My thankfulness consisted merely of words, and yet my heart expressed so much more.  For those of you far away, I realize you may not have seen or felt the full acts of gratitude.  I want to remedy that.

Aside from my practice, there is so much research out there identifying ways to live a happier and healthier life.  Something as simple as identifying five things your grateful for daily will make a person better off.  It’s in the act of writing down those things you’re grateful for that you take it from being a verbal thanking process, to an act of gratitude.  When you put it down on paper, may it then also go out into the universe.

For today and every day I am grateful for my family and friend, my health, my professional drive and the community I am linked up with in this industry, my dog, and my wanderlust.  I am actively putting it out there into the world that I want to go beyond just words of thankfulness and transform them into acts of gratitude.  Prepare to see some change.

Be well on this day, and every day.  Remember to express gratitude and thankfulness for yourself, and for those around you.  You’ll be surprised by how happier you may be.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

#Resiliency

To me, it’s run its course.  Like the aftermath on college campuses to support students in internalizing a sense of grit after Angela Duckworth’s research was published.  Full disclosure: I showed her video to my class of students when I worked in higher education.  I absolutely drank the Kool-Aid, and I still believe in every young person having grit. It translates to having passion and perseverance.  Everyone needs that.  And then just like grit, “resiliency” became the next buzzword on campus.  We needed every incoming student to be resilient.

If you haven’t read The Coddling of the America Mind, I highly encourage you. It does a fantastic job of discussing how good intentions are setting up Generation Z for failure.  These young people haven’t had to experience resiliency like generations before them.  And because of it, now we’re trying load them up with resources so they can be resilient.  It’s a hard thing to sit back and watch.   

Let’s not call it resiliency for a minute.  Let’s just reference it as “bouncing back.”  Let’s call it students being human and falling and then picking themselves back up. Sometimes struggling to get back to where they were, and other times being able to jump back immediately.  Setbacks are normal, especially for college-aged individuals.  I talk about this a lot in my other writings.  Especially for the students who were high achievers in high school and didn’t head the warnings around the changing in college academics and expectations.  Those are the students who struggled with their own distortions around the reality of their situations.  Some of those students were able to bounce back, others ended up dropping out.

There’s a correlation between those who were able to separate their failures with what they did versus associating the failure with who they were.  This is why we have such a high population of young adults with anxiety, depression, and suicide ideation.  They grew up being praised for what they did (read: academics, achievements, and community honors), and were never taught to separate that from who they were as a person.  It was too entangled.  These are the current college students today.

If you’re a Millenial though, maybe you’ll understand my reference when I talk about wooden push puppets.  Anyone born after 1995 probably wouldn’t even know what the hell I’m talking about.  If you grew up knowing push puppets though, you will get my reference.  We found pleasure and entertainment in pushing these toys and would watch them collapse, knowing they would immediately re-right themselves with the simple release of a finger.  Every time they would collapse, they would fall in different positions.  I vividly remember giggling at these when I was younger.  The transference to the notion of resiliency in modern age is frightening.

Here’s my plea: can we move away from this topic?  Can we instead just assume that every young person who is human will experience ups and downs and we need to load them up with ways in which to respond to these challenges?  We don’t have to go along with the fad of referencing students as resilient or not.  We don’t have to go along with the fad of referencing a student as having grit or not.  Let’s show current student a wooden push puppet and let them make sense of the correlation between that item and their life.  Let’s give them the space to sort it out on their own.  If they need help processing next steps, we can be there to guide them.  We’re not telling them what to do, nor telling them it will be okay.  The wooden push puppet has already done that for us.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Trust the Process

If you Google “Trust the Process” you’ll find a lot of articles around the Philadelphia 76ers.  Apparently, several years ago they have a horrible season and this phrase was used often to encourage fans to hang in there.  I’m indifferent about NBA, and honestly rolled my eyes when I was reading how this phrase became a thing for them.  This phrase was coined much earlier, and in a vastly different space.

When I was an undergraduate student, over 16 years ago, I remember this phrase being used throughout my outdoor education classes.  When facilitating groups through sequential challenge course programming, this phrase was used ad nauseum.   Participants either loved and embraced it or threatened you to never utter those words again.  It was always in jest.  Truly, it was a mantra for me for a long time.

Now in my practice as a Consultant, I often find myself saying this to the parents I work with. Or, if I’m not saying it, the program their loved one just enrolled in uses it incessantly.  As an objective advocate, I get parents to turn to me and ask why it’s a commonly used phrase.  Some, who consider themselves philosophical really think through what it could mean.  Their full acceptance and commitment in participating in the program typically follows shortly after.  These are the families that are also grateful for the experience and accepting of how it transpires in the end – regardless of the outcome. Others who are matter of fact and anxious, really struggle.  They reflect and seek clarification.  What do you mean when you say “trust the process?”  I really love sharing my perspective on the meaning.

It’s such a simple expression.  It’s about letting go of expectations and being willing to accept that unknown.  It’s embracing the ambiguity and learning to let go of your fears. It plants the seed that life is not linear, and we need to learn to welcome the ups and downs. Whatever journey you’re on right now, is also a process.  Trust what comes.  It may get worse before it ever gets better, but you hold on to the hope that it will get better.  You don’t step in to drive a situation, like you may have normally.  You let things play how they are supposed to organically without your interruption.  Participating in a treatment program has some normal milestones of struggle and backslide, but it’s a reminder that everyone is different.  It may not be this way for your child, as it was for someone else’s.  You are opening yourself up to the universe, and all you want is for things to get better.  For that to happen, you must trust the process.  It is much easier said than done.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Life Is Not Linear

How do you embrace what life throws at you, when it doesn’t happen the way we’re taught it’s supposed to?

We are told that after college comes the real world.  This is supposed to be “the time of our lives.”  After graduation, your are supposed to get an amazing job in a great location and be met with promotions for your hard work.  If you didn’t meet the love of your life in college, hopefully you’ll meet them during this time.  Naturally you date, decide to get married and do so with the idea of starting a family.  You spend 18+ years of your life beyond that working, raising your kids, and trying to maintain your marriage.  After your kids go off to college, because that’s where they’re going, you retire, wait patiently to be a grandparent, and ultimately live out the rest of your life doing all the things you love with the people you love.  And then you die when you’re ready.

Seem all-to-real?  That’s because that’s not how it really works; life is not linear.  Certainly, there are expectations, societal and familial pressures, but at the end of the day we can’t predict our futures.  We can’t pre-plan our own deaths, unless we live in Switzerland but that’s an outlier.  Life is all about the bumps and bruises on the way.  It’s about choosing whatever is behind door number one instead of door number two. It’s about how you handle the decisions you’ve made or roll with the punches with what’s out of your control but impacting you.

Here’s another way that blissful story could look:

You don’t go to college, because that’s totally normal.  You get pregnant at age 19 and don’t know who the partner is.  You raise your kid alone the best way you know how. You lose your parents in an accident, so you don’t have your parents to look up to as far as what you look forward to in older age. You get a college degree at 35 after all your kids have moved out or gone off to college.  You marry and get divorced, three times.  In addition to maintaining a household, you end up being a caretaker for your sibling who is diagnosed with cancer at a young age.  You file bankruptcy.  You are diagnosed with depression and enroll yourself in an outpatient treatment program.  The list can go on and on, because life is not linear.

This isn’t meant to be morbid.  The reality is, any of that can happen to any of us.  It’s meant to prove the point that life is not a straight line from point A to point B being all sunshine, rainbows, and roses.  Life is two steps forward and one step back.  Or one step forward and two steps back.  It’s hardly easy.  It’s emotions and how to lean into discomfort to get the help you need, when you need it. 

Since most of the clients I work with are college students, it’s important I highlight what they can be experiencing in this space.  Life is not straight A’s or graduating with the degree you initially enrolled into college with.  Life is not about graduating with a degree at 21 years old and knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life.  Life is about mental health and substance abuse and taking a break from college when you need it, and for however long you need it.  College isn’t going anywhere.  Life is about heartbreak, and bad decisions.  Life is about failed exams and one-night stands.  Life is about tears, making new friends, and knowing when to walk away in every situation.  Life is about skinned knees and learning how to smile again.

Life isn’t easy.  It’s not linear, in fact I’d compare it more to a line drawn by a three-year-old.  They may have more realistic expectations of what’s ahead.  It looks chaotic, but they’re laughing hysterically while they draw it because they know they can tackle whatever life throws at them.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

You cannot grow in someone’s shadow

Someone recently said this to me, and I stopped in my tracks.  A therapist shared this with me, uttering the words at a barely audible hum.  Her words were so simple, and yet so profound.  Possibly even dumbfounding for me.  I don’t consider myself to have a green thumb, and yet I know most things need sun.  The wheels were not just turning but churning in my head.  This is a rich way for me to describe to parents how their young adult may never grow if they don’t let them step out from behind the parent’s shadow.

I won’t claim to understand photosynthesis.  If were to put an imagine in front of me asking to identify the evolution of life for a plant, I would cringe.  It’s been easily 18 years, if not longer that I’ve had to do anything remotely like that.  Trust me, it’s not that I don’t wish I had the magic touch of cultivating plants, it’s a case of lack-of-interest at the time.  But now?  I’m really interested.  I’m bought it, intrigued and eager.

This me be how some parents feel when they are also raising their children.  You want to make sure they have all the sunlight they need.  You go out of your way to make sure they not only have all the nutrient they need, but you go above and beyond to make sure they have access.  Top of the line soil.  You transplant to a better location if they aren’t getting what they need.  You gently massage their roots, and you weed and trim often.  You want your plant to not just thrive but look beautiful in the process.  Maybe you get to the point of being obsessed with this plant’s growth.  Maybe it’s all consuming.  Maybe you yourself neglect your own needs because you want to make sure this plant outlives you.  Then one day, you start to feel exhausted, depleted of the nutrients you need for your own well-being.  You are feeling the wilt.  Or, maybe you’re still thriving, but you’ve planted this other plant too close to you.  It’s stunted and unable to fully blossom.  Maybe it’s dying because of the lack of sunlight it needs, or not getting the nutrients.  What a powerful metaphor.

You are a parent.  Your young adult is still being treated like a seedling and not left to grow on it’s own.  It’s not trusted to get the nutrients it needs.  It’s never had to weed or trim, because you’ve always done that for them.  It’s never needed to be transplanted, because it’s been taken care of forever in one spot.  Why put in the effort to re-root?  I could keep going with this beautiful imagine.  In the end, it’s important to parents of young adults to treat their adults like an adult.  Give them the space to try to grow and thrive on their own.  If you don’t, they will forever be stuck in your shadow stunted and wilting.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Rising Tides Lifts All Boats

How Mental Health Collaboration is the only way to help clients

In the industry of behavioral healthcare, I can say that I’ve been met with a sundry response from all types of mental health professionals.  On one end of the spectrum, I have the overly eager to collaborate professionals who see the benefit of “staying in your lane” and helping their clients get connected to all the right resources.  On the other end of the spectrum, those who are possessive of their clients find themselves often rearing their ugly competitive heads and intentionally avoiding any collaboration.  And of course, everything in between.  Sadly, what I’ve been met with the most is those who are enmeshed with their clients and not seeing the benefit of building a therapeutic team around the client and the entire family system.  It’s a real shame.

What it comes down to is a lack of education and understanding.  What is comes down to is discomfort in letting go of a client who desperately needs more than what you can offer.  Along those lines, it’s admitting that you as a professional aren’t enough for that one client.  For anyone that is competitive, that doesn’t sit well with you.  Losing a client, or rather connecting them to the appropriate resources (i.e. not you), also means you need to market yourself to fill their space.  This could be easily done if you are great at your job, living in an area of high need, or damn good at marketing.  Or, if you’re holding on to that client because you are worried you won’t fill their slot for awhile, well that’s putting the client in harms way because you are either lazy or haven’t mastered marketing yourself yet.  Either way, there’s plenty of other professionals close by who may be interested in helping you.

You see, the idea of all working together to help ourselves and each other will translate to our clients getting well.  If we are competitive of our territory, referrals, and clients, we aren’t doing anything but truly shooting ourselves in the foot.  For me, I don’t work with adolescents.  Guess what?  The majority of the inquiry calls I get are for adolescents.  I’m sure you can also guess that I don’t just say “sorry, I can’t help you” to the families and end the call.  I actually refer them out to other professionals.  Why?  Because I’m a collaborator.  I want what’s best for my clients, and for any family who connects with me looking for support.

It’s unfortunate that in the treatment industry there are bottom lines for revenue.  At the same time, we are running a business so there has to be some generated income to continue to stay afloat.  Since we are in the industry of helping those who are really struggling, it’s most important for us to put the human first.  We must put each other first.  If we are vindictive, conniving, dismissive, or not supportive of each other we will only be sinking our own ships.  And when that starts to happen, you may not have anyone who is willing or around to throw you a life raft.   

The quote “rising tides lifts all boats” speaks to this needed change of more collaboration. Collaboration is the rising tide.If you fight against it, you’ll find yourself harming your own business, professional reputation, and most importantly – your clients. Look around you. Learn about the different types of professionals in your area and how you can support each other. It’s the relationships that will drive your success, and ultimately the success and well-being of your clients. Just think about it.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Checking e-mail in College

Having worked in higher education, I can tell you that there are four different types of students:

First, you have the student who obsessively checks their inbox.  They are afraid they will miss an email from their professor.  They want to be the first to schedule their advising appointment.  They are open to trying out every on-campus activity or group that sends this student an invitation to join.  They are the over-achievers.  They are the students who can be self-destructive with their perfectionism.  They delete all the emails they need as already read, and only keep emails that they need to follow-up with.  If you see this student log in, you may be shocked to read that it says 15 emails total in their inbox.

Second, you have the student who forgot to check their email for the first month and once they realized they’d forgotten, they freaked out.  They’re the students who struggled with staying organized.  They were logging into Blackboard daily, but totally forgot they needed to also log in to check their emails.  They may see the enormous amount of unread emails and become paralyzed.  They don’t know where to start, and they’ll avoid checking their email altogether moving forward.  They kind of have a case of the f*** its with their email.  They’d like to pretend it doesn’t exist and would rather avoid it altogether than go through one-by-one to clear out their inbox.  

Third, you have the student who keeps every single email.  They log in to see if there’s anything they need to read.  Instead of deleting emails they deem unnecessary for themselves, they just skip over them.  Leaving them as “unread” emails.  These are the students with 15,000 emails in their inbox.  These are students who aren’t easily overwhelmed.  They don’t see a problem with 15,000 emails in their inbox.  They’re able to filter through all the clutter than could potential overwhelm them.  They may be less motivated, and they do what they need to do to minimally get by.

And lastly, you have the student who doesn’t check their email at all.  They see it as a waste of time.  Maybe they never checked their email in high school.  Why would they check their email in college?  This is the student who misses everything.  They miss the notification from their professor that class is cancelled.  They miss the outreach from university staff who are targeting them because of their early alert academics.  They miss the email from their Academic Advisor about scheduling their advising appointment to get their advising code. They are the least engaged academically, yet possibly most engaged socially.  They’re in college for the wrong reasons.

Is this an accurate depiction of Generation Z college students and the four categories we can forcing them into?  Absolutely not.  This is a gross generalization of college students and their email checking habits. There may be some accuracy, and there may not be.  Regardless, if you are reading this you may have some knowledge that there is an issue around current college students and their routine in checking emails.

In addition to checking their email, students also need to know how to respond.  That’s an entirely separate article for another day.

Students need to check their emails.  Employers send emails.  You can access your email on your cell phone.  Most students have a phone.  There is no excuse for not responding to or at minimum reading emails.  It’s an appropriate way to receive individual communication, and it’s also a way to read about engagements on campus.  It’s the way to feel connected and a sense of belonging to the school a student is attending.    

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

When a Therapist calls to ask for program recommendations

This has happened to be more often than I’d like to admit.  Instead of being annoyed that I’m being called and asked for this information, I’ve chosen to think differently.  I appreciate that folks think of me, and yet I don’t want to be put in this position again.  Below, you will read my analogy of what it might be like for a Therapist if the roles were reversed in asking for support for a client.

I’ve been called by Therapists who work for programs, and therapists within private practice.  Let me start by saying I appreciate that a therapist sees me as a placement expert for consultation in recommending programs to their clients. Instead of immediately rattling off names of programs I’d recommend after hearing 2 ½ minutes’ worth of the client profile, I have to pause. Internally, I’m cringing.  I’m giving away free information.  Information from my own time and energy visiting programs across the country.  Visits that allow me to make sure when I’m recommending placements for clients, that I truly know the program I’m referring.  This is me doing my due diligence.

If I ask that same therapist if their client needs a consultant, they quickly tell me no.  When I follow up with in asking why, some of the answers I’ve gotten are:

1.   “They can’t afford a Consultant” [In my head, all I’m thinking is how will they pay for treatment then?]

2.   “They’re already willing to go to treatment.  They don’t need a consultant” [So as their therapist, you’ll be asking for a release to continue to speak with the clinicians at the treatment program so you can be a part of the transition/continuum of care planning?]

3.   “I’ve already recommended two programs for them.  I was only calling you to see if I was missing a program that you might also recommend.” [Have you visited these programs?  If not, you may be liable.  Also, if you’ve already got names of programs, just go with what you know and there’s no need to loop me in. And lastly, in hearing about the programs you’re recommending, I’m cringing.  In hearing a little about your client, I would not have put those programs you’re recommending on the list. Period.]

This is where it gets kind of murky.

It’s a liability for me to share names of programs, haphazardly.  I never refer my clients to programs unless I’ve called to confirm the program’s milieu is appropriate at that time, that they have an opening, and if it’s within my client’s price range.  I imagine that being a Therapist with a client who’s willing to go to treatment is exciting. What you need to know is that you, as their Therapist, won’t be in communication with your client while they’re in treatment. Essentially, you’re handing your client off and hoping that they’re doing well and come back to you when they return to the area.  Unlike a Therapist, I stay with the client throughout their treatment.  I provide case management to ensure the client is, in fact, in the appropriate place to get the help they need.  If they aren’t, I hustle to find another place.  When they are ready for discharge, I’ve spent time on the phone linking them up with next steps for continued care.  That means that when they discharge, they don’t necessarily just return home to see their individual therapist every other week.  They will most likely need much more. Not to mention, while they’re in treatment I turn to their family system and see if there’s additional supports I can provide in that space as well.  From parent training, to finding support groups or therapy for family members, I can help make sure that when your client is in treatment there truly is systemic change happening.  That’s how we’re going to ensure that your client stays stable and sober.  That’s the difference between your work and mine.   

If the roles were reversed, here’s how it might be perceived if I were to call you asking for recommendations for my client:

Me: Hey Therapist!  You may not remember me, but we met once. How are you? 

Therapist:  Hey Joanna!  I’m well.  Of course, I remember you!  How are you?

Me: I’m great!  Thanks for asking.  Hey – So I don’t want to take up too much of your time, but I wanted to run a client of mine by you.  I’m hoping you can help!

Therapist: Sure!  Thanks for thinking of me!  Tell me a little about your client and I’ll see if I can be of help.

Me: Well, my client is returning to the area after treatment.  The clinical recommendations post discharge are for my client to participate in a DBT group, and see an individual therapist for continued healing around complex trauma.  I know you are trained in DBT and run a DBT group, and I also know you’re trained in EMDR and Brainspotting.  To me, you’re the expert!  So I was hoping you might be able to tell me a book I might be able to read quickly to give me the skills to be able to help my client myself.  Although I’m not trained, I really think I can help with trauma work and DBT skills.  Can you point me in the direction of a book or videos?  Or tell me some of the key components to using this type of therapeutic modality with your clients?  I’d so appreciate it!

Therapist: Um… what?!  It sounds like your client needs to see an individual therapist and join a DBT group.  Would you like to refer your client to me?  I do have openings for individual trauma work and in the DBT group?

Me: Oh, no.  Definitely not.  They don’t have an individual therapist, and quite honestly, I’m trying to help them by doing this for them.  What do you say – can you give me some of those tips or skills?

You can imagine how this conversation may play out.  Most likely the therapist would gawk at the thought of giving books, videos, or tips for me (not a practicing Therapist) to do therapy with my client.  No one in their right might would give that information.  If anything, I’d be scolded for thinking it was appropriate for me to do that for my client, and reminded that I am doing more harm than good to my client.

If you’re a therapist, you may be horrified in reading that narrative.  First, I need to make it known I would NEVER do this for a client.  Why? Because I’m not acting as their therapist.  My job as their Therapeutic Consultant is to get them connected to the right therapeutic resources.  I am the matchmaker and expert of said resources, not a practicing therapist.  I would certainly hope if you are a therapist and you have a client who needs a higher level of care, that you’d consider connecting them to a Therapeutic Consultant to work with them, instead of only calling to ask for program recommendations.  

If you’re a therapist and are reading this, you’ll now understand how it’s not entirely appropriate to call and ask for program recommendations from a Therapeutic Consultant.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Colleges liable to student mental health

If you haven’t heard about the Iowa State lawsuit, you need to bring yourself up to speed quickly.  To summarize, a student on campus died by suicide and the university’s mental health support wasn’t enough.  The student had been in an out of the Counseling Office, but it just wasn’t enough.  Communicating the suicide to the parents first was handled poorly by University Police.  And the parent’s sued Iowa State.  Not because they wanted money, but because they wanted the university to acknowledge it hadn’t done enough for their son.  The family won.

This is huge.  This lawsuit will make drastic waves within university systems.  Also, because less than a week later a student at Harvard died by suicide.  Why is this huge? Other than the stated obvious mental health epidemic on college campuses, it’s because no matter how much institutions are implementing it still won’t be enough.  As a refuge for higher learning who is doing as much as you can to support the tuition-paying students on campus, You, as a university, need to ask for help.

Now is the time for colleges and universities to link up with outside resources to ensure their students are getting the support they need, right when they need it.  Students identified as expressing suicidality will be immediately referred to off-campus treatment.  That student needs to halt their academics to get stable before they could pretend to continue focusing on doing well in their Organic Chemistry class.  I’m not suggesting colleges hire Case Managers.  I’m suggesting colleges hire professionals who have dedicated their lives to traveling the US, and world, to know and understand treatment programs.  They can tell you appropriate residential programs.  They can describe in detail the differences in outdoor behavioral healthcare programs.  They can talk about the continued care process.  They aren’t working for the university.  They are working for the young adult, and the young adult’s family. They aren’t making recommendations based solely on what insurance says is in-network.  Most of those programs are substance abuse primary diagnosis, or extremely short-term hospital-feeling assessment programs.  That’s not what your students need.  And in order to not have another suicide, or 10, on your record you seriously need to consider hiring a contracted consultant to help you, in helping your students.

Yes, this might seem progressive, outlandish, or far-fetched.  But for the universities who are planning to allocate $75,000 to hiring an additional Counselor for their Counseling Office who will immediately have a full caseload, instead you could offer less than that to have a Consultant make recommendations for hundreds of your students leaving campus.  It’s a no-brainer.  Or, so it is to me.

Who are these professionals I speak of?  They are Therapeutic Consultants.  They are the ones who will save your students.  They are also the ones who will save your university from another lawsuit.  Again, no-brainer.

Now, if you are the college who says, “this isn’t our problem,” I warn you not to be complacent.  Your students are struggling, whether you are acknowledging it or not.  You have more demand for mental health services than you have professionals available to meet those needs.  It’s only a matter of time.  The clock is ticking for you.  Be the college or university that proactively sees the benefit of hiring this professional.  Don’t wait until you’re in a similar lawsuit like Iowa State before making drastic changes.  Student’s lives are on the line.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

Digging into Horticulture Therapy

Everyone who knows me knows I’m biased about outdoor behavioral healthcare.  I used to work in it, I’m an advocate of it, and I strongly believe the power of this type of intervention on an adolescent, young adult, and the entire family system.  Within this last year, I’ve been able to visit the field area of several different outdoor behavioral healthcare programs.  Some are nomadic, some are adventure-based, and all are becoming more and more specialized in who they serve.  After every visit, I continue to be impressed.  There’s one program that really stands out to me as being misrepresented. It’s not technically an outdoor behavioral healthcare program.  It’s a horticulture therapy program.  That program is Pacific Quest (PQ).

Ironically, I’ve had families ask me before to find “something warmer” in terms of a wilderness program for their young adult.  Being empathetic, I know the underlying request lies in a belief that they don’t want their child to be uncomfortable.  Naturally, a warmer climate would appear to be more comfortable.  I had the privilege of recently visiting PQ, and to me, PQ would have been the hardest. 

Take me out any day in the cold where I have appropriately layered clothing and anticipated physically draining activities.  I’d eat that right up!  Again, I’m biased.  It’s the warm, wet, humid, and dirt from gardening that would bring me to my knees.  Everyone’s threshold is different.  Maybe someone would love this, and maybe for other client this would be a daily challenge.  To each their own.  What’s important to note is that I was utterly impressed.

Horticulture therapy is a therapeutic intervention proven to be effective.  It’s non-discriminatory and coupled with The Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics, you find a remarkable clinically sophisticated way in supporting individual clients.  The work they are doing is vastly different than others, and I’m eager to see the growth produced at their new location.

Pacific Quest is not wilderness therapy. It is so much more. The metaphors about Sustainable Growth are rich. The opportunity to see growth in real-time from seeds planted while at PQ, is abundant. PQ is their own island in terms of individualized approach and therapeutic intervention. I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to visit and to witness first-hand what makes PQ unique.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

The connection between concussions and mental health

If anyone approaches me with the topic linking traumatic brain injury (TBI) and depression, I’ll be the first to stop them and say I know it’s true.  I know, because that was me.  I didn’t realize I was wrestling with depression at the time, but I certainly know I was struggling. In lieu of National Depression Awareness, I wanted to share my personal journey.

I remember the moment leading up to my concussion vividly.  It was like an athletic scene in a move, but in slow motion.  I was playing rugby and remember catching the ball and running up the sideline.  I was turning on the jets; ready to sprint towards the goal line. In my periphery, I remember seeing a flash of color from my left.  I remember being launched into the air.  I did a near 180-degree rotation, knowing that I was going to be tackled straight on my back.  I knew my head would hit the ground.  I didn’t think I’d smack the ground, setting off stars, and then hit my head again, and again, like a basketball on a court.  It hurt.  Like, really bad.  I didn’t black-out per say, but I definitely didn’t feel right. So, I went to the hospital.

The doctor in the Emergency Room told me I had a concussion. Um, duh?  I paid a lot of money for someone to tell me the obvious.  What I was more interested in learning was maybe how soon I would go back to feeling normal.  At that time, I was feeling fuzzy.

I felt fuzzy for months.  In hindsight, I needed someone to tell me to take a break from my studies.  It didn’t help that that same semester my uncle died. Between the grief and the struggles with my memory, I just could not focus on my academics.  It wasn’t for a lack of trying, I was just seriously distracted and my heart was hurting.

I know I was taking a Geology class that semester.  I got a D in that class, and quite honestly, I’m not sure how.  I don’t remember a damn thing.  Of course, I wish I did because I really like geology.  Thinking back to that semester, I would be using the Pomodoro technique to studying, and I would take a break.  When I’d take a break, I couldn’t recall a single sentence for what I’d been “studying.”  Honestly, I couldn’t even recall the subject I was supposed to be studying.  I couldn’t recall my Professor’s name, the location of the class, or the days of the week I had the class.  I would sit there crying, trying with all my might to remember anything.  But nothing would come up.  It was a rough semester.

I barely passed.  I recovered, and my short-term memory eventually came back.  My verbal comprehension is still lagging sometimes.  Sadly, most of my childhood memories are non-existent.  If it weren’t for childhood pictures, I wouldn’t be able to recall anything other than where I grew up. I guess you can take the girl out of Virginia, but you can never take the Virginia out of the girl.  I don’t regret for one second playing rugby in college, I just wish more students knew to get help when they needed it.

There is one student athlete who I recently read about named Matthew Benedict.  Matthew was a student athlete who struggled with mental health issues, and his life was cut short.  His family created the Matthew Benedict’s One Last Goal Fund.  The fund’s goal is to support athletes that are struggling with mental health issues.  We need more of this!

My hope in sharing his personal story is that maybe it will show up for a parent of an adolescent or young adult with a recent concussion.  A parent that may not understand the full implications of a concussion, and what is really happening in the brain.  A parent who believes the best thing they can do after a concussion is to push their child back into a classroom, with hopes they get “back on track, or don’t feel behind.”  Sadly, this it the exact opposite of what I would recommend.  School isn’t going anywhere.  Forcing a young person whose brain can’t hack it now into academics is guaranteeing failure.  It’s not that I want to avoid failure, in fact I think failure is necessary to grow up.  In this situation, your young person’s brain is swollen.  They aren’t themselves.  They need a brain from academics to let themselves heal.  Healing is way more important than academics will ever be.  Remember that.

If you have a kid or are working with a young person who recently experienced a concussion, don’t hesitate to connect me to them.  I’m more than happy to be an ally, a friend, a resource, and someone they can see who has been through it. I can be the beacon of hope that one day, they’ll be as back to normal as possible.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

It hurts to live in Colorado

It’s still National Suicide Prevention Month, and I decided to write about why Colorado has such a high suicide rate.  High, not because of marijuana or the elevation (though I will circle back to that in a bit), but we’re talking 2-3xs higher rate.  But we live in a such an outdoor person’s paradise.  And it gets more than 300 days of sunshine a year.  It just doesn’t add up.

I’m not doctor or scientist, but I certainly can hypothesize some of what’s going on.  Keep in mind, although Colorado has a higher than-the-national-average for teen suicide, I’m going to mostly be speaking to the Adult population.  Why?  Because most of us are not from Colorado, and I do think this plays a factor in the epidemic.

Instead of writing ad nauseum like I usually do, I’ll try to just bullet point what I think is going on:

1. On the Front Range, we are a mile high.  Factor in heading into the mountains, or living in the mountains, and you can be anywhere from 7,800 – 12,000 ft above sea level regularly.  There’s less oxygen at that elevation.

2. That matters because with less oxygen, our Dopamine can continue to do its dance (i.e. sex, drugs & rock & roll) as it will constantly be motivated and rewarded.  Meanwhile, our Serotonin is slower to release (i.e. well-being, cognition, rational thinking).  Our balance is off.  Not just a little, but actually a lot. We can go as hard as we want for as long as we want because our logical brain is not fully online.

3. Factor in all the action-packed sports, Social Media, and a small town.  What do you have?  A bunch of people who know each other and are pushing each into the risk zone because we’re constantly one-upping each other. Skiing, mountain biking, free-soloing… you name it.  You post these pictures, people see you as a badass in a small mountain time.  Another name for a badass?  A Madman; someone who’s on a mission to die young.

4. None of this includes substance abuse, which is rampant in the ski industry.  I can say that because I was in once!  And it doesn’t include pre-disposition to mental health, specifically mood disorders.  You are constantly doing all those dangerous badass things because your body isn’t regulating itself and you constantly want to live this dream ski instructor life.

5. Then, when you’re in your late 40s or early 50s (that it’s you someone manage to never leave), you are comparing yourself to your peers who are married, have kids, and careers and even if that’s something you never wanted, you are depressed in thinking about what you missed.  You work in a town where full-time jobs don’t exist.  You live in a town where long-term relationships also don’t exist.  So you miss intimacy and you’re feeling unmoored because of never having a career.

6. Factor in the fact that these small towns really don’t have the mental health support that this community needs, and you get the perfect storm for mental health in Colorado.

This is where you may hear: “it’s not okay, to not be okay.  Pick yourself up by your bootstraps.  Suicide happens, and we don’t really talk about it.”  We’re a small mountain town and even though you might think we’re progressive and bow to tourism, we’re actually hardworking rural humans just taking it day-by-day.

Now can you kind of see why Colorado has such a high suicide rate?  We do live in a beautiful place, but don’t let the beauty of this place fool you into thinking mental health is not an issue here.  It’s an issue everywhere.  

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

It's okay to not be okay

Be advised, this is a personal anecdote on suicide.  This may be triggering.  Read at your own risk.

With it being National Suicide Prevention Week, I wanted to reflect on how suicide has impacted me in my life.  I was thinking back on my adolescence, early childhood, and even now into the stride of my adulthood of how acquaintances and friends alike have been impacted by suicide.  We can’t point a finger towards one age group.  The angst exists everywhere.

I acknowledge that I’m lucky that Facebook, or any social media for that matter, didn’t exist when I was in high school.  If it had, I’m not sure I would have survived. Even then, some of my peers were hurting just as badly as teens nowadays.  Hurting so much that they committed suicide.  My tiny high school didn’t know how to respond.  We tip-toed around what happens and never really openly discussed it.

In college, I remember my suitemate attempting suicide and EMS rushing to our shared bathroom to quickly get her to the hospital.  I never even knew that she was struggling.  She was appeared to be having the time of her life.  We all know that even the happiest appearing individuals can be the ones the most in pain.

Right during and after my undergraduate years my dearest friend from childhood lost both her father and her boyfriend at the time to suicide. Both struggling with significant mental health issues, and she tried so hard to let them both know how much she loved them. That kind of close-to-the-heart forms who you are as an adult.

The last job I held in working with adolescents, we had a student commit suicide after the summer season.  It was crushing to the team who worked that summer, as he was a leader within his peer community.  We knew he was struggling, and we weren’t able to act fast enough.  They started a scholarship in his name to allow for other young men struggling with mental health could participate in that same programs for future years to come.  He was being honored.

I live in a state where the suicide rates for adolescents and adults are double, if not triple the national average.  People ask – why on Earth would anyone living in such a beautiful place be in such pain?  That’s an absurd question.  Anyone anywhere can be struggling.  Even in Colorado.

I think about where I live now, and the people who have been in my life for a reason or a season.  These experiences and encounters make me think about my own decisions, often.  It’s okay to not be okay.  Life is really hard sometimes.  Like, really f-ing hard.  It’s terrifying to think about facing your challenges head on to change them.  It’s terrifying to think about letting people know you are in so much pain.  We need to stop bullying each other on social media.  Or comparing ourselves to others on social media.  It’s a façade.

It’s okay to not be okay.  Just tell someone.  It will get better.  And for those who didn’t tell anyone, please know we honor you and wish you were still here.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

When enrolling in college becomes more important than a young person’s health.

WARNING: This is a roast.

For a parent who has supported their high-achieving high school student, at what point do you step in and suggest they defer their admission to seek mental health services?  At what point do you acknowledge that you are enmeshed, co-dependent and can’t be objective when it comes to your young adult and their well-being?  You feel awful about the predicament you’re in, when we need to be thinking about the well-being of our soon-to-be college student.  That to me, is an indicator of what I’m working with.

College isn’t going anywhere.  If anything, the only thing your student will miss is their originally matched college roommate.  Good for them that they linked up and are already fast friends!  Your young adult will not last past one semester if you don’t prioritize their health.  The college will commend you for suggesting they take a break, even before they got started.  Why?  Because even colleges realize they don’t have the capacity to provide the support that your young adult needs.  If you take a moment to take care of yourself and your young adult before they go off to college, they’ll likely be more successful in the long run.  Any college that cares about retention and matriculation (which is all of them) will appreciate that!

You may say I’m catastrophizing your young adult’s situation.  If you ask, I’m happy to share plenty of statistics with you about how someone who admitted to substance abuse, experienced a recent sexual assault, and has pre-existing mental health will significantly struggle in a collegiate setting [without support].  This. Is. A. Fact.  This doesn’t have to do with whether they’re academically capable.  We all know they are; they were admitted for goodness sake.  They’ve proven that by taking the ACT five times, they can earn a higher score and thus make themselves more desirable to elite institutions. The fact is, it has everything to do with the notion that our emotions trump our logical brain.  If you aren’t okay with your health, you will not be able to achieve (nor focus) academically. And even in the slightest chance that your young adult muddles through their first semester, your young adult is far from thriving.

As a parent, you may be wanting me to congratulate you on the fact that your young adult was admitted into an institution that only accepts 4% of their incoming class.  If that’s what you are wanting from me, you will be waiting for a while.  Or you say to me that although you have found out that your child has been “only blacking out twice a month,” at least they’re telling you about it.  This is after you’ve disclosed to me that you have two close family members who went to treatment for addiction.  But, let’s not link your daughter to this.  She’s the one going off soon to earn that Ivy degree that you didn’t subliminally pressure her into needing.  This is the same child who dictates to you what type of treatment they want. Nothing, except meeting with their Psychiatrist who only has enough time to prescribe additional medication and see them on their way.  Maybe in a few months they’ll meet again to increase the dosage.

This is where I want to be frank, not that I haven’t already been in writing this.  I took the time to draft up a proposal to you, as the parent, on clinically what was recommended for your child.  The recommend said that said “hold the phone. We need to get supports first, and then send them off to school.” But I know what you did with that proposal.  You shared it with your child, because they’re your best friend and you want to make sure they’re included in this decision.  The same child who has pre-existing mental health issues, admitted to significant substance abuse (and advocating for treatment), and experienced a recent sexual assault.  Because they are the rational brain.  They definitely know what they need right now, and what they’re telling is you “get me to college so I can pretend this summer never happened.” 

As a professional, this tells me as a parent you have zero clue how trauma impacts the body.  And you are so enmeshed with your child that you cannot make a decision for the betterment of the family system.  That’s how I got looped in.  Sadly, you’re turning me away because you don’t understand the depth of your despair.  All I can do is wait on the sidelines, because sadly, it will get far worse before it gets better.  You want me to make predictions on what will happen?  I’d prefer you not ask.  I’ve had clients like that, and it truly breaks my heart.  More so because I want to believe the parents are willing to hire a professional to make executive decisions for the family.  Not because you want me to be excited for you when your child comes home from college worse off than they were before they left, and they really weren’t in a good spot to begin with.

Think about this for a minute.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

A stutter-step before your young adult launches to college

If you remotely hesitate in believing whether or not your young adult is ready to head off to college, do not let them go! For the love of all things human!

From a business perspective, this is a bad deal.  It’s like buying a car that you know is a lemon, and then wishing with all your might that it’s money well spent.  Even though in your head and gut you know you completely just threw money away.  Am I calling your adult child a lemon, absolutely not!  What I’m saying is that as a parent if you remotely second guess your young adult’s readiness to head off to be a an extremely small fish in a massive ocean of large fish, do not let them go.  There are plenty of alternatives and opportunities to mature before heading off to college. And fun fact: college isn’t going anywhere!

What will happen though if you send them off “wishing” that they’d grow up quickly?  I can tell you, in fact I can nearly guarantee, they’ll fail.  There is no doubt in my mind.  Not because I don’t want them to be successful.  What I want and what I see and know are two very different things. Statistically speaking, your young adult will go off to college with the pressure they put on themselves to be successful, and the pressure you are putting on them as well.  This is often referenced as anxiety. Then, when they have one small hiccup in the challenges that exist in college it’s as if the entire floor disintegrated right under their feet and they are immediately in this extremely deep pit with no sign of light in getting out.  This is what is referenced as depression.  To make it even worse, they don’t tell you they’re in this pit.  They don’t want to upset you, or worry you, or worse – waste your money.  But guess what?  It’s too late for that.  We didn’t nip that in the bud back before the fall semester started because we so blindly pushed them into going off to college even though in our heart of hearts, we knew they weren’t ready.  Hell, maybe we weren’t ready for them to go either.

It all comes back to that stutter step.  Why did it happen in the first place?  Did you subconsciously realize that you’d never once taught them how to do their own laundry?  Or you’ve been waking them up for school for the last 18 years and never given them to space to teach them how to be self-sufficient?  Maybe it’s because you always told your friends they were really “shy” but deep down you knew they were socially overwhelmed and anxious.  Maybe they’ve been so academically hyper-focused that they’ve become addicted to the idea of being perfect.  I grew up on the East Coast, and sadly I completely understand that dilemma. 

It was not ill-intentioned on your part as a parent.  All you ever wanted for them was to be happy and more successful than you.  Did you ever stop to think that maybe your seven-figure salary was not actually motivating them to be better than you, but rather suffocating them into realizing they could actually never be better than you?  And maybe in that same vein, they actually realize you could just take care of them for the rest of their lives and why do they even need to go to college in the first place?  Ah!  That may not be the case for most, but it’s certainly for some.  For the students who want to go to college but just aren’t ready emotionally, we’re setting them up for failure.

That stutter step is your acknowledging as a parent that you didn’t fail, you just haven’t yet taught them all the things they need to master before launching on their own.  That’s your pause in acknowledging that maybe that shyness is really something that we need to seek therapy for.  It’s your way of saying without saying you don’t actually want to throw them in the water to see if they sink or swim, because we know they will immediately sink.  Period.

Gone are the days where our young people just need to “pick themselves up by their bootstraps.”  Forgive me for not caving to this 19th century idea of oppression in a 21st century world.  That old adage is garbage and it’s actually harming our young people.  No, they just can’t “pick themselves up.”  They’ve never stood on their own two feet.  Don’t you get it?  You’ve literally been the foundation, scaffolding, and electrical all along.  The idea of them being grown, successful, and ready for independence is a complete facade.  Mental health is real.  Generation Z is struggling for real, and the majority of them aren’t ready to be independently success on a college campus.  I will reiterate again, it has nothing to do with their academic preparedness.  To generalize, they don’t have the resilience.  They don’t have the life skills.  And we’re sending them off to experience their first failure in a horrific fashion.

So if you find yourself with that stutter step this week or next, seriously stop and think about what’s happening for a minute. Your expectations for your young adult could be clouding the reality of their impending academic and emotional doom.  That’s dramatic I know, but who wouldn’t end a blog rant on that kind of note? 

For questions or comments contact Joanna.