Resentment

In working with divorced families, sometimes the toxicity can be palpable.  There is so much history, and so much hurt, that without doing individual therapy to grieve and heal, a person can quickly retreat to a place of anger and resentment.  Constantly painting their ex-partner into a very negative light.  Expelling all energy on belittlement, frustrations, and anything else that illustrates a fixed mindset.  Surely everyone’s story is different.  Change is very hard, and when kids are involved, there is just so much resentment that can build.

This quote really resonates with me and some of the families I’m working with:

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

- Malachy McCourt

Depending on the therapeutic modality appropriate for the adolescent or young adult client, we may be delving into the past to do some processing.  What families don’t understand though is that if they’re stuck in the past themselves, they are not providing an opportunity for their loved one to ever move forward.  Even with a lot of therapeutic gains, to immediately graduate and return home to an unchanged environment can be catastrophic.  The key is “unchanged.”  Unchanged in that the parents haven’t healed individually; that they still project negativity towards each other.  It can be venomous, and that’s just a very unhealthy space to enter back into.

If you are a parent who is holding resentment toward an ex, please consider how letting go and healing may really allow you to allow your child to get better.  They are looking to you in a very vulnerable time; during their own time of significant growth, to see that their closest loved ones are not well themselves.  

If you don’t do the work yourself, there is a real fear that you may lose a relationship with your adolescent or adult altogether.  They’re old enough, and potentially well enough, to make their own decisions.  If cutting you out of their life is what will help them move forward with their life, it may be one of the hardest decisions they’ll ever make.  Right next to admitting them need help and to go to treatment in the first place.

Or, you could be a parent who is harboring resentment towards your young adult for not being well or launching. Or you could be a young adult, expressing resentment towards your parents for any reason or another. No matter the situation, resentment will eat you alive. Or, it will result in a painful death as is described in the quote mentioned above. You’ve got to let that shit go. For real.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.