School's out... or is it?
Cue the second verse of Alice Cooper’s “School’s out for summer:”
No more pencils no more books
No more teacher's dirty looks yeah
Well we got no class
And we got no principals
And we got no innocence
We can't even think of a word that rhymes
School's out for summer
School's out forever
My school's been blown to pieces
The reality is school is still in session – just at home. As much as parents and teachers try to make it seem school-as-usual, it’s the furthest from usual. It feels like a snow day, extended spring break, and summer break all in one. And yet we’re still doing schoolwork. Something feels off.
Teachers are doing their damnedest to keep students involved. We all know distractions at home can be hard to avoid. Or motivation to do schoolwork when you roll out of bed is a challenge. The end of school year 2019-2020 is one for the books. Prom is cancelled. Graduation is most-likely cancelled. College tours are virtual. And we haven’t been able to be within six feet of our friends or family for over a month. What is this world we are living in?
There is little distinction between the weekends and the weekdays. Mainly because there is so much flexibility with schoolwork and the lack of organized activities because of “sheltering in place.” Time is just moving by with a snail’s pace. Everyone is grieving. The loss of social norms, the loss of academic milestone and celebrations, and the loss of family and friends due to COVD-19. It’s just a very surreal time.
Yet, school isn’t out. It’s not going to be out for a couple months at least. It’s just that sports are cancelled. Classes are online. Graduation is cancelled. And Commit to College Day is postponed a month. Everything is off. And yet, school is not out for summer. We have to reign it back in. We are trying to focus on business-as-usual with our academics. This is not an extended spring break, or a snow day. Focus!
School is not out forever.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Duck Syndrome 2.0
Stress in college is normalized. If anything, stress is almost encouraged. Students need to be able to demonstrate that they can function in a high-pressure environment. But what happens if that physical environment is temporarily replaced? What happens if you relocate the high-stakes coursework into your childhood home environment? My guess is perfect scenario for duck syndrome on display.
Not familiar with “duck syndrome?” It’s not an actual mental health diagnosis. It’s a very real thing for college students though. Especially for those who find themselves struggling in one area in their life. If you can picture a duck gliding across a pond, it may appear nearly effortless. Yet what we don’t see from standing on the banks of that pond, is the amount of effort that duck is peddling to get where it needs to go. On the surface it appears to have everything under control, under water everything could change in a matter of seconds.
Duck syndrome is a very real thing in college, but what happens when you take a ferociously working student and place them back into their childhood home while completing their college coursework? To me, this is the new Duck Syndrome. This is where we see the image of the effortless duck, up close and personal. This is where it’s nearly impossible to be superficial around the anxiety and depression that plagues young adults. When it’s happening right there in the home it’s nearly impossible to mask the effort taking place underwater. In fact, what’s happening underwater is completely exposed. There is no hiding the chaos and stress.
Now that our college students are studying from home, it’s important for parents to help them slow down. It’s important to separate the need to present a fallacy that all-is-well, when it’s not. Parents need to be attuned to their young adults and normalize that it’s okay to not be okay. While your student is studying under your roof, help them to manage their anxiety and depression. Help them to fully grasp that the idea of perfectionism is unrealistic, and more importantly unhealthy. Help them to become more self-aware, self-advocate, and know that getting mediocre grades will build character. Shine a light on the fierce paddling under the surface of the water, and help your young adult learn to slow down.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Congratulations! You've been admitted to Zoom University for August 2020
Yes, we’re all aware of how sad it is that COVID-19 has impacted our current high school Seniors and current college students. COVID-19 has impacted every single person, regardless of their developmental stage. No matter how optimistic any of present being, this young population has been given the short end of the stick for their year. They’re grieving lost experiences, disappointed in stalled rituals, and anxious about their unknown futures. Will there be summer jobs? That probably won’t happen. Will college be in person in August? I wouldn’t hold my breath. Knowing this, the idea of hopping on the college train has some high school students really questioning their futures.
Instead of attending college out-of-state or at a private school, students are looking at more local institutions, community colleges, or even considering deferring enrollment altogether. We can thank a public health pandemic for being the log, not the straw, that broke the back for systemic change regarding college being the best choice after high school. Students are now exploring vocational programs, volunteer opportunities, gap semester or gap year options, or even just staying close to home to weather the virus storm until antibodies exist. For those students, you may be waiting awhile. For everyone else, the world is your oyster!
Typically, parents are the ones thinking about the financials of higher education. They make sacrifices to invest in their child’s education and future. But now, I’m reading about more and more high school Seniors, and continuing college students, realizing that paying for their expensive college while studying from home is not fiscally responsible. Don’t fret, colleges are anticipating the drop in student retention, for both incoming and returning students. Some colleges and universities will survive this, yet I’m afraid a lot won’t. MacMurray College already announced their closing at the end of May. It’s only a matter of time before other colleges follow suite. For a student concerned about going to school in the fall, you may want to expand that to even ponder whether your college will exist after November 2020.
If you are a parent grieving the loss for your children, keep doing so. Everyone is grieving in one way or another right now. Being quarantined, we can use this time to focus on family. Now is a time to serious consider pushing back on enrolling in college. Discuss with your child alternative options. Link them up with an experience that will still foster their passion for education, while teaching resiliency, and diverting them from slipping into a depression after being forced to return home. Don’t let your fear for their safety be the thing that holds them back from relaunching into life during our new normal. Seek out a professional who can help in navigating this new territory. One who understands the need to be financially savvy, and who can provide options that will be so transformative your child will be talking about it for the rest of their life!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Please, stop the bus(!) on adjusting academic policies
For anyone who works in higher education, is a college student, or has kids in college, your head probably hasn’t stop spinning in weeks. Changes are happening daily, and we’re all trying our best to keep it together. The generic timeline since early March includes but is not limited to:
Asking students to pack up their room “just in case” (most universities did not do this)
Extending spring break
Asking students not to return to campus for the remainder of the semester and/or assigning times when students can move out of their residence halls
Shifting to online learning the rest of the semester
Witnessing residence halls being turned into overflow housing for medical staff
The discussion of tuition reimbursement and/or partial housing reimbursements
Learning that students can opt-in to Pass/Fail with their courses, while colleges are seeing a spike in students requesting incompletes or withdrawing
A not-so-underground movement of students protesting their online learning
Finding out graduation is postponed until September
Receiving an email that summer classes are cancelled and/or all virtual
Incoming students learning that orientation is also online
This list is not all-encompassing, and it’ll probably see an additional three bullets alone by the end of this week. We can guess it might include something related to international student retention, changes in academic policies, financial aid implications, the “what ifs” around fall semester being virtual, and the terrifying topic of colleges closing altogether. From a macro lens, you can start to see why college students are struggling in all arenas of wellness right now.
My biggest concern in all of this is the sudden changes to academic policies by universities. Don’t get me wrong, I’m concerned about all the other potential issues that we may see crop up this week. I’m talking about the minor announcements to policy changes that will have colossal implications through December. We’re talking changes to prerequisites, extended withdrawal deadlines, GPA not being calculated, and suspension policies being bent. If this doesn’t scream profit-driven agenda, I don’t know does. Yes, colleges are simultaneously interested in retaining students in order to support them to graduation, but at what cost? For the student who was on track to earn (yes, I said earn!) a 0.0 GPA for the semester who would have been suspended due to their performance, may now be able to pay for another full semester of failed classes. Key word in that sentence is pay. This is an extreme example of academic performance, and yet it’s not a complete anomaly. The GPA is not what I want you to focus on, but rather the fact that this student could be paying for another semester of full tuition when they for all in tense and purposes are not capable of being a student at the moment. Thinking that student could pay for another 0.0 GPA semester has me completely sick to my stomach.
For a large university, I can see how it might be less time consuming and seen as a free hall pass to alert all students that their academic performance for Spring 2020 will not impact their overall academic standing. So just to give another example for clarity’s sake, if a student was already on academic probation (typically below a 2.0) before the start of Spring 2020, regardless of their performance this semester they’ll still on academic probation in Fall 2020. This is as opposed to being suspended, which they would have been after Spring 2020. I’m not saying every student on academic probation ends up being suspended. What I’m saying is that if a student was already on academic probation and they were on track to being suspended at the end of this semester, they won’t be because their spring term grades won’t be impacting their overall academic standing. This may not be concerning to you as a reader. Let me break is down more.
For a university of around 20,000 students, upwards of 10% of their student population is on academic probation each semester. That’s 2,000 students a semester. Depending on the university’s pre-existing policy, they may allow students to be on academic probation for one or more semesters before they suspend the student. Each university is different, but what you will most commonly find is that in order to be on academic probation a student has to have less than a cumulative 2.0 GPA. In case you aren’t aware, a 2.0 GPA is straight C’s. To clarify, to be on probation a student must be regularly earning less than straight C’s. To highlight, each of these students were admitted to said university because they met the academic requirements for eligibility to study on campus. A student who is on academic probation is not doing it on purpose. At least for me, I can think of a ton of other ways to blow money if that were the case! For a student on academic probation they typically fall within the categories of prioritizing social life over academics, or they are struggling with mental health issues (grief, anxiety, perfectionism, homesickness, trauma, roommate conflict, etc.) that is subsequently impacting their academic performance. To reiterate 2,000 students who may or may not have been on the chopping block of being academically suspended are now being invited back to pay for one more semester of college. Let that sink in.
By freezing academic standings, grades aren’t the only things that are impacted. There’s a lot at stake for every single student. It’s hard not to see that there’s a lot at stake for higher education too. Institutions are on the hook financially if their retention rate dips. What better way to hide the financial foundation cracking than by masking it with adjusted university-wide academic policies? This is all under the guise of being understanding and lenient of student struggles because of the COVID-19 pandemic.
In my opinion, I think colleges and universities may need to reconsider making sweeping policy changes. I don’t know what’s worse, academically suspending a student this semester by not adjusting academic policies, or by allowing a student to pay for another semester to only being suspended after Fall with another semester of tuition piled on to their already crippling debt.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Programmatic Adjustments: How 7 Levels of Care are shifting during the COVID-19 Pandemic
Programmatic protocols and operations have changed drastically over the last several weeks, while COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on the world. The need for mental health and addiction treatment is now higher than ever before. Lilley Consulting collaborated with several levels of care in the mental and behavioral health field to share with professionals and families how they are still providing care during this time.
The seven co-written articles, all linked below, covered topics related to the adjustments made to continue to provide care during a fluid and ambiguous time.
College Support Programs Expand to Support College Students Across the Country
How Non-Residential Therapeutic Programs operate during COVID-19
Tele-Therapy: New Age Therapy for Young Adults during COVID-19
Wilderness Therapy: A Healthcare Respite During a Public Health Crisis
Mental health and addiction treatment is still very much an essential business during COVID-19. Know that these programs are ebbing and flowing with the tides of change. They will continue to support clients however they can, safely, during the foreseeable future.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
The Treatment Journey is “Clear as Mud”
When inquiring my services, parents are often wanting a clearly laid out path. The reality is, I just cannot give them what they’re looking for. I can hypothesize, or broadly speak to “typical” treatment paths, but that’s not what they want. Parents and young adults often want to know the exact number of days they’ll be in treatment. Where they’ll be in treatment, and what the weather does while they’re there. They also want to know what to expect once they get there. Will they be recommended aftercare? If yes, what will that look like for timeline, location, and milieu? These questions just remind that the family wants to have as much understanding and control over the outcome ahead. All I can do is listen and paint a picture of the possibilities. This isn’t enough for some families.
Growing up in a Southern state, sarcasm was my second language. Professionally, I am never sarcastic with my clients. I work with highly emotional and dysregulated family systems, and there is just zero room for sarcasm during a time of crisis. Occasionally I’ll throw in some light humor, but only after working closely with the family for an extended period and when they’re loved one is stable and thriving. Where I marry my childhood language with my current work, is by inserting old expressions.
I specifically love using the saying clear as mud.
When I type that express in online, this is what pops up:
Murky, obscure, totally unclear, as in The translation of these directions is clear as mud. This ironic phrase always indicates that something is far from clear.*
In reading this, it just makes me chuckle. In treatment, little is clear or certain. The notion that the journey through treatment is “clear as mud” just makes the uncertainty of it all a little more lighthearted. What’s ahead is obscure, and everyone person’s journey is very different. I don’t want to convey this idea that it’s completely unknown, just that there is a strong possibility that we won’t see what’s ahead until we have a better grasp and accurate clinical recommendations. Providing a sense of relief, as best I can, is all I can do.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
New Normal
People keep throwing around this notion of “when things go back to normal.” My biggest fear is that those folks don’t realize that normal as we know it has significantly changed. We haven’t yet experienced the work of COVID-19. It will impact each of us in some way. With an experience, it’s hard to go back to a world we knew before.
A quote by Olive Wendell Holmes, Jr. rings true to our current state:
“A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.”
I used to share this quote with clients I worked with in wilderness therapy. The feared returning home or moving on in life and that they would slip back into old patterns. In reminding them that it could never go back to what it was before, because of their experiences, it seemed to provide a calming sense of embracing the future. In a time of pandemic, I can’t help but wonder if this is minimizing the shifting mindset of our world.
With COVID-19 here now, the concept of public health and overall well-being can never go back to what it was. We are in disbelief that it will impact us, and yet medical detox beds are being shifted to providing beds for those infected and on ventilators. If anything, the collective mental health of the world is at a stand-still. We are all still struggling. We are all still trying to grasp at the reality of this situation, as we watch an ever-growing red-dotted online map spread.
In seeing this spread, you must comprehend that life as we know it will not go back to how it was. It’s shifting, and we must embrace the new normal. The new normal will include doomsday preparations. The new normal will include taking seriously a spreading virus when it’s in a different country. The new normal will include more face masks, hand sanitizer, and less physical human contact. It won’t be forever, but it will certainly never go back to the way it used to be before COVID-19.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
New Game Introduction: “Last One Standing”
It’s funny and all but, it’s terrifying. This is the game most Americans are playing right now. It’s game where all your adult children return home to quarantine, but they haven’t all been under the same roof since they were teens. In thinking back to those years, they probably weren’t quite times and rainbows or roses. They were constantly bickering, fighting over the TV remote, and pulling you in twelve different directions with their non-academic activities.
Although they’re adults now, the moment they return home they lose all executive functioning capabilities. They stop doing their laundry, they don’t know how to cook or clean, and they don’t know how to communication with you like an adult. Six days ago, when you knew COVID-19 would force families to quarantine, you felt comfort in knowing your kids would be returning home to stay safe. Now that they’re home, you’re reminded why you wanted them out of the house to begin with.
Being back at home is truly a game of who is the last person standing. Again, it’s funny in theory but, it’s terrifying. Your 22-year-old in now presenting like a 12-year-old, and your children have ceased all adulting capabilities. They’re viewing this like they’re home for vacation. As a parent, this is your worst possible nightmare. You wanted them know to know they were safe, but now you’re self-imposing the social distancing for each of them from their respected bedrooms.
I do not picture this game ending well. This quarantine is going outlast any original date your adult children had in mind. Most of them won’t make it. They’ll cave in boredom or out of complete hysteria. The last one standing will get a gold star. As the parent, you will most-likely not be the one receiving the gold star.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Treatment Predictions in COVID-19: Taking aim at a moving target
I vividly remember in graduate school, my professors would be belaboring the importance of not “thinking ahead” at what to say, but rather be present and listen. We essentially re-learned how to engage in human interaction, from a primal level. Specifically, we were programmed to actively listen. In case it’s not obvious, my graduate degree is in Counseling. Prior to those two years of schooling, I did exactly what they taught us not to do. I’d give advice when it wasn’t wanted. I’d express sympathy instead of empathy like the animated video by Brene Brown. And I sure as hell wasn’t truly listening. Now with COVID-19, I’m listening all-too-closely.
Programmatic shifts are happening daily. That’s not new news. Some Mental Health and Addiction Treatment facilities are not accepting new admissions, have changed staffing schedules, are shifting to virtual support, or they’re suspending operations and sending clients home altogether. No program is approaching this the same. As a Consultant, all I can do is wait and see what will unfold. From my lens, this fluidity translates to listening.
If you’re more of a visual person, hopefully this will paint a better picture. For anyone who is not trained as a clinician, we tend to hear what another person is saying while picturing a target. The target being your interpretation of what the person is saying and where the conversation is headed. As a listener, if you are focused on the target, and more specifically what you’ll say in response, you may have missed the other person’s point all together. My professors used to say:
“You cannot take aim in counseling, or you will miss the target altogether.”
The notion of actively listening, I mean truly listening, is a skill that takes time to master. If you take aim and take a shot, you may miss the opportunity for a true clinical breakthrough. To now translate back to what this means programmatically during the COVID-19 pandemic: we can try to comprehend what’s to come and take aim, but there’s a strong chance we will miss the mark if we aren’t listening.
No, I cannot predict how this will all play out in two months, let alone six months from now. Although my anxiety wishes I had that control, I’ve surrendered to know that’s just not possible. There’s too much that can change. For those of us working in the behavioral healthcare, mental healthcare industries, and addiction treatment industries I’m hope we stop and listen.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Putting my oxygen mask on
We’re living in unprecedented times. The idea of “shelter in place” was fun for about four hours. I’m on day eleven and feeling like I’m in for a world of trouble. Ironically, I like is a very isolated area. When they implemented “social distancing” I scoffed at the idea. To me, social distancing is business-as-usual. The only time I leave my home is to recreate with my dog, and to go to the grocery store. In hindsight, I guess I was preparing myself to be comfortable during a pandemic. In truth, I’m the furthest from comfortable.
Balancing my work life and personal life has never been harder. Every business call, or personal call, has a charged energy of the uncertainty for our future. When you work in the mental health, behavioral health, and addiction spaces having that extra charge can be absolutely draining. Every family is rightly concerned, and every treatment program is trying to navigate newly implemented protocols. It’s hard to not lose sleep at night during this time. I’ve been so focused on helping the families I am currently working with, that I forgot about myself. I’m eleven days in and realizing I forgot to put my own oxygen mask on first.
I wouldn’t be able to count the number of airplane flights I’ve been on over the last year alone. On each flight, I do pay attention to the flight attendants giving the safety instructions prior to each flight. Luckily, I’ve never experienced a loss in cabin pressure that would result in the need to put on my oxygen mask. In knowing that importance of putting on your own mask first prior to helping others has become nearly second nature. So much so, that when in real I needed to put on my oxygen mask I failed that step.
When it comes to helping others, it’s imperative we always put on our oxygen mask first. That looks differently for every person. For me, it looks like going for a run in the morning with my dog. It also looks like be sitting outside to read a book, weather permitting. Right now, it needs to look like my turning off my computer and phone at a reasonable hour to “shut down” from work. It’s so much easier said than done. When it comes to helping others during a public health epidemic, it’s easy to forget to put your oxygen mask on first. If I continue to do that though, I will run out of air.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
I miss hugs
In all honestly, I have been doing social distancing for years. When people ask, “how are you doing?” in reference to holding up during the COVID-19 quarantine, I honestly don’t feel any different. If anything, I’ve been more socially connected to my friends and colleagues over the last two weeks. I’m almost needing a break from all the phone calls and FaceTime sessions. What I realize though is that after I hung up the phone, it’s the physical touch that I miss the most.
I used to be anti-hugs. It felt too personal. Then I did my own therapeutic work and establish healthy attachments and learned to truly be open and vulnerable with others. What better way to do that than to hug someone? In this time of social distancing, I miss the hugs the most.
When I go to conferences or travel for work to tour programs, often it’s those fostered relationships that mean the most to me. The trust, the honesty, the transparency – it can be felt through the hug.
Do I hug everyone I know and see? Absolutely not. There are some people who are how I used to be: anti-hugs. I respect their personal space. They also know that when/if they ever need a hug, I’m here for them. This gets me thinking about my clients. How often we live in a world where human interaction is prioritized through technology use. Our love tanks are running low if not empty in the physical touch category. Knowing that makes my heart hurt more. I need COVID-19 to flattened and fizzle. I need to be able to hug freely, without fear of infection and contamination.
The times are hard now. They will be harder the longer we are required to be apart from each other. Until then, I look forward to when I can hug again.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
The Psychological Trauma of Coronavirus
We haven’t seen anything like this since 1929. We never believed we would deal with anything like this in our generation. But here we are. On the edge of economic collapse and amid a trauma-inducing public health epidemic. Does it get any worse than this? Only if there are simultaneous earthquakes (sorry, SLC). While we’re all quarantined at home to help flatten the curve, not everyone is thinking about the future. The discussion of the trauma from COVID-19 isn’t on the forefront – yet.
Between the skyrocketing unemployment, the overnight poverty, and the ambiguity of whipping out an entire generation or two of people – 2020 is proving to be a pretty epic year. And I say that in not an endearing way. It’s proving to be epic in the sense of a growing wave of post-traumatic stress. Right now, we’re still in it. China and Italy are a little ahead of the US, but we’re closing in behind in a race that no one wants to be running.
We weren’t ahead of the spreading of COVID-19, but we need to be ahead of the PTSD and trauma affects this will have. In a world where helplessness, depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation are already an epidemic, those of us who work in the behavioral and mental health world know it’s going to get a hell of a lot worse before it gets better. We will need a national task force to rally behind affordability and access to care for those impacted by the PTSD of COVD-19. If folks don’t die from the virus itself, they’ll die from the aftermath if left untreated.
Some people will have the resiliency and strength to muscle through this very choppy time. But gone untreated, their loved ones for generations to come will biologically experience the imprint of COVID-19. Don’t believe me? Ask any trained trauma therapist and they’re tell you generational trauma is a real thing. We know that untreated trauma can appear and worsen with time. We know that untreated trauma leads people to an inability to cope with daily life tasks. We know that those who are predisposed to anxiety who experience a traumatic event can increase to debilitating levels. And there is evidence that trauma untreated often leads to self-medication with substances, which is a slippery slope to death by addiction.
I’m not trying to be dramatic. I’m spotlighting what I know is to come. I know trauma. I know we live in a society that is sick and still insists on stigmatizing treatment. I’m also aware we are living through an international crisis where we will see far more deaths before this “just goes away.” We need to prepare for the work ahead. We need to acknowledge the PTSD we’re all experiencing from the evolution of this pandemic. While we’re quarantined, we need to think about the future. The future includes an inordinate amount of need mental healthcare and addiction treatment. Prepare yourself.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Telling my parents to quarantine
I never thought I’d see the day where I was the one telling my parents what to do. Surely, I tried during my adolescent years but in hindsight that was a joke. I had zero chance of authoritative influence. Now that I live in a time of social distancing and public health pandemics, I’m finally stepping in the role of tell my parents what to do. The worst part about it, is that I’m very serious.
You see, I live in Mountain Standard Time Zone. Two time-zones and ultimately two days ahead of what was unfolding on the East Coast. I could see the writing on the wall and although my parents said they understood what was happening, they were still making plans to drive to visit my sister. Rationally I unraveled. All emotion poured out of me like a fiery furnace. I yelled like I was scolding a dog for excreting in the house after they were trained. For one, I don’t treat my dog that way. For two, I did become a puddle of limbic liquid with my parents. There was no room for letting them figure it organically, with the possibility of natural consequences. During COVID-19, natural consequences mean death. I’m not interested in my parents dying because I didn’t react in the moment and express my greatest fears.
They hung their head and tucked their tails and told me they understood where I was coming from. Although they empathized, it didn’t stop them from believing I was overreacting. Right now, I’d rather overreact and scare my folks than start planning their funerals. [If you’re reading this mom & dad: I’m sorry but this is super morbid, but it’s very true!]. Ironically, less than 24 hours the reality (and severity) of the situation grounded all further plans for my parents. When I spoke with them the next day, they admitted to not taking the advisory seriously but that they were hunkered down from here on out.
Good!
This is a very stressful time. Now just from contagion of the virus itself, but the panic that ensues. I told my parents to quarantine and they didn’t take me seriously. Less than 24 hours later they were social distancing. Never in my life did I think I’d be telling my parents what to do. In hindsight, I’m glad I overreacted the way I did. It could be the difference between life and death.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Leap Year?
If you’ve seen the movie with Amy Adams, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Busting through all cultural and gender norms in the name of love. If you like rom coms and haven’t seen that movie, I highly recommend it. That an “A lot like love.” But then again, I’m a different breed when it comes to movies that make you cry. If not for everyone!
Bringing in back though, 2020 is a leap year. I vividly remember thinking in 2016 that if I was dating someone in 2020 and we weren’t engaged I would consider the Irish superstition of proposing. First of all, I’m not dating anyone so maybe there’s hope in 2024? More importantly, I went to Google out of curiosity to read through what other traditions and superstitions exist out there for this unique time. Between the Italians, Germans, and Irish, I’d say there’s some seriously mixed thoughts on the holiday. Regardless, my takeaway is this: do what makes you happy, and forget what others may think of your decisions.
If you are a young adult in treatment and this is an appropriate mantra, you are sorely mistaken. This is more of a pronouncement going out to anyone other there who may be conflicted with making decisions based on some outdated stereotypes and norms. Love who you want to love, and when you want to love them. Show love how you want to show it, and don’t let others project their expectations on you around this topic.
If you can muster the courage to do what you’re doing on February 29, 2020 any other day of the year – then let’s consider that bravery, authenticity, and confidence. Do want you want or need to do. I’ll leave that up to you to decide what that will be.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Resentment
In working with divorced families, sometimes the toxicity can be palpable. There is so much history, and so much hurt, that without doing individual therapy to grieve and heal, a person can quickly retreat to a place of anger and resentment. Constantly painting their ex-partner into a very negative light. Expelling all energy on belittlement, frustrations, and anything else that illustrates a fixed mindset. Surely everyone’s story is different. Change is very hard, and when kids are involved, there is just so much resentment that can build.
This quote really resonates with me and some of the families I’m working with:
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
- Malachy McCourt
Depending on the therapeutic modality appropriate for the adolescent or young adult client, we may be delving into the past to do some processing. What families don’t understand though is that if they’re stuck in the past themselves, they are not providing an opportunity for their loved one to ever move forward. Even with a lot of therapeutic gains, to immediately graduate and return home to an unchanged environment can be catastrophic. The key is “unchanged.” Unchanged in that the parents haven’t healed individually; that they still project negativity towards each other. It can be venomous, and that’s just a very unhealthy space to enter back into.
If you are a parent who is holding resentment toward an ex, please consider how letting go and healing may really allow you to allow your child to get better. They are looking to you in a very vulnerable time; during their own time of significant growth, to see that their closest loved ones are not well themselves.
If you don’t do the work yourself, there is a real fear that you may lose a relationship with your adolescent or adult altogether. They’re old enough, and potentially well enough, to make their own decisions. If cutting you out of their life is what will help them move forward with their life, it may be one of the hardest decisions they’ll ever make. Right next to admitting them need help and to go to treatment in the first place.
Or, you could be a parent who is harboring resentment towards your young adult for not being well or launching. Or you could be a young adult, expressing resentment towards your parents for any reason or another. No matter the situation, resentment will eat you alive. Or, it will result in a painful death as is described in the quote mentioned above. You’ve got to let that shit go. For real.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
I Love Data!
My heart was momentarily bursting when I read the news about the University of Utah receiving a $150 million dollar donation to create a Mental Health Institute. In reading the fine print though, I quickly returned to my normal jaded self. The article talks about research and clinical expansion, which can leave readers to wonder what this will truly look like. I specifically hang my hat on:
“The university didn’t yet have details as to how many clinicians, researchers and staff members would be hired with the gift. But Watkins said the institute will have a strong emphasis on innovating new ways to provide services to patients more efficiently in a state with some of the worst mental health statistics in the nation.”
This is music to my hopeful ears! As someone who is contemplating the idea of a PhD in research around collegiate mental health, I’m wondering if anyone from the University of Utah would consider reaching out to hire me to be a part of this opportunity. Being a part of the team that reimagines healthcare for college-aged individuals is something dreams are made of! If this happened, maybe I’d stop being the squeaky wheel for the first time in a very long time! I won’t hold my breath for being sought out to do research though. That’s a complete fantasy!
While I’m not holding my breath for the University of Utah’s outreach and recruitment, I continue to look towards other institutions who are doing research in this area. Out of Penn State is the Center for Collegiate Mental Health (CCMH) where they host:
The collaborative efforts of over 600 college and university counseling centers and supportive organizations have enabled CCMH to build one of the nation’s largest databases on college student mental health. CCMH actively develops clinical tools, reports, and research using this data.
A lot of the recent data I lean on when giving presentations around the mental health on college campuses can be found in their Annual Report. Because of the hard work of CCMH I am able to share last year’s data, which can sometimes still be very relevant with this current year’s trends and barriers.
Another Big 10 school that is holding its own around data and collegiate mental health is at the University of Michigan. On campus, they have a Depression Center and host an Annual Depression of College Campuses Conference each Spring. Although I have yet to go, I imagine that because the Depression Center is through the Department of Medicine that this conference is filled with data surrounding depression in emerging adults. Just a hunch though!
Boston University just recently popped on my radar for an innovative program they’re implementing for college students who requested medical leave from universities across the country. The program is called NITEO and from what I have read, it appears to be rather inexpensive for a part-time supportive opportunity. While they are on leave from their home institution, they participate in a program at BU along with other students currently taking leave. The program itself seems pretty impressive, and yet I’d need to do more research around the exact student who needs support. From what I read, there is no clinical contact other than Coaching around wellness. For a student who has significant mental health issues, I don’t foresee this program being appropriate. I’ll also be more excited to read data surrounding its participants. Do they return to their home institution? If yes, do they graduate within a certain time frame or have a certain GPA? If they decide to transfer instead, what is the timeline for graduation or GPA? Most importantly if they were struggling with mental health issues prior to participating in the BU program, do participants remain stable in their collegiate career or relapse? I’m so curious to learn more and know if this is working!
Lastly, as most of you know that I was able to twist Mike Petree’s arm, of Petree Consulting, to additionally add-in questions for young adults participants of treatment programs across the US. The questions included:
Whether or not a young adult was enrolled in college before their enrollment in treatment
If yes, what was the name of the institution.
If the student had requested medical leave, withdrawn on their own, or been suspended/expelled.
By collecting this data across hundreds of programs, we’ll have a rather large pool to share directly with the Dean of Students’ at colleges and universities across the country. No longer will a door to collaborate and help students leaving campuses be shut in our face. Rather, this data will open doors for discussion around the percentage of students leaving and the proposal for a partnership to somehow help with overall retention and matriculation numbers. In our eyes though, it’s not about retaining students but yet providing a direct line to getting care the moment a student steps off campus.
This, my friends is why I love data! And it’s why I’m foolish enough to consider going back to school to do research and provide innovative approaches and care to collegiate mental health! Are you listening, Utes? I’m waiting.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Single? No. Married? No. Building an Empire? Yes, please.
Gunnison is a small ranching town meets small college town. It’s a place you must drive through in order to get to Crested Butte 11 months out of the year. It’s the coldest town in the lower continental US. In the summer, however, it’s paradise. The highs reaching 80F, and the lows chilly enough that you’ll need a light fleece. To me, this is heaven.
Being so isolated has it challenges though. A lot of friends and family members have expressed concern for me not being able to meet and date in my community. Let me educate the public on this: there actually is a large dating market in my community, especially for women. There are more than men single guys to go around. It’s the quality though is where its questionable. The men here are Peter Pans. I’m generalizing, and it’s a very accurate generalization. Don’t know what I mean when I say Peter Pan? Just think to the original movie. These are guys that have never, and will never, grow up. I’ll table this for now, but know I’ll talk more about it later.
So no, I’m not married. Yes, it’s very clear that I’m single and aware of my options. As most of you know, I travel so often that it makes it hard to keep up with my family, let alone try to start and maintain a healthy relationship. Maybe one day the stars will align. For the time being, that’s not my focus. (Sorry, mom!). My focus is on myself, and my business.
To call what I’m aiming for an “empire” feels a little grandiose and narcissistic. That’s not what I’m going for. Hopefully anyone reading this knows how humble, yet passionate and driven I truly am. Courtesy of Facebook ads and pop-ups, I keep getting this image of this coffee mug pop up in my feed. It’s the picture I attached to this blog. When I first saw it, I totally blushed and glanced around to see if anyone caught me. Facebook clearly knows my agenda. I’m not interested in checking the box of single or married, but rather building my empire. Although I don’t see it as building an empire, I certainly am continuing to focus on and build my brand. Each day is a new day with continued intensity, integrity, and drive. Thank you, Facebook, for capturing that and letting me know there’s a mug I need to be drinking from each morning!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
No one is excited to go to treatment
When it comes to enrolling a young adult, or adolescent for that matter, into a treatment program it’s important to highlight the wide spectrum that exists when it comes to willingness. As a Consultant, it’s imperative this is explained clearly to parents. Where I used to use the expression “they will not raise their hand and be excited to go to treatment,” I’ve learned that’s not enough. What I need to say is “you are going to fill sick to your stomach that you are holding a boundary, and your kid is going to pull out every stop in the book to make you feel like crap and second guess your decisions.” Does that always happen? Definitely not. In my world though, it’s very common.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being “pissed beyond measure, but begrudgingly going because they don’t think they have any other choice” and 10 being “super excited to go” I would say the majority of young adults would rate themselves as a 1 or 2. When I work with parents, it’s so hard for them to comprehend that it’s okay if their young adult is at a 1 or 2. What has become more apparent in my practice, is parents wanting their kids to be closer to a 9 or 10 before they head off to a residential treatment program. Let’s be clear, even if the young adult really wants to change and knows it will help, they will still rate themselves at a 1 or 2. I’ll repeat it again to make sure that I’m clear as day: no one is excited to go into treatment. Thinking your kid will be a 9 or 10 is an unrealistic expectation.
What’s hard to comprehend is that once your kid enrolls, there will come a time where they are choosing to be there. They will think less about the day they enrolled, and any animosity they held towards you then will hopefully be water under the bridge. I say hopefully because that totally depends on family therapy and any family work being done while they are in treatment. Will they be excited if it’s clinically recommended that they step down from residential into an extended care program? Again, no excitement. Will it be a 1 or 2? Typically not. At that point, for the most part, these young people see that they have more work that needs to be done and/or going home will set them back rather than continue to propel them forward. In that case, they may show up as a 6. Glass half full tells me that they are close to 10 than 1, which is a major win!
In the end, no young person is willing to go. Any parent reading this needs to understand that getting them into a treatment program willingly does not mean you drive them up to treatment and they excitedly wave back to you in your car as you drive away. That’s grossly inaccurate of how this goes down. They are not thrilled. Sometimes there is an Interventionist. Sometimes there is a transport service. Often the young adult has a temper tantrum. It’s ugly. It can be messy, and they will willingly go, and that image of willingly is much different than most envision.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Cringeworthy Online Reviews
No, this is not about my writings. Although, that could be another topic for another day! I wanted to write about program reviews and how I find myself still recommending programs with scathing reviews online to families.
No, not all of the programs I recommend have horrible reviews. Let’s be clear: the majority of the programs I recommend having glowing reviews. Occasionally though, someone will have a less-than-stellar experience and thus writes an online review. For anyone wondering how the heck I could still recommend a program with less than 5 stars, here is what I need you to know:
I do not recommend programs I have not personally toured myself. I’d like to say I can sniff through the bullshit and any smoke & mirror-type presentation. I want to see the space, I want to speak with the Clinical team, and if it seems appropriate, I want to see/speak with current residents. I’m not impressed by the jacuzzi bathroom tub in the fancy accommodations, because that’s not why my client is in treatment. Having a relationship with a program allows me to ask uncomfortable questions directly in the future.
You cannot believe everything you read online. People will put things out there that you want to believe, whether it is true or not. Don’t believe me? Well, these people seem to believe the Earth is flat. There’s a few things to understand about this specific topic:
If the person truly went to that program, you need to think about where they were before they enrolled. Not physically, but with mental health, addiction, etc. Just think about that.
Not everyone’s experience is the same, even if they were in the same program at the same time. Everyone has their own perspective. For a program that’s been around for several years, to have five negative reviews would actually be considering impressive. Especially if it is a large program where they are graduating participants regularly.
People do not sign their name under negative reviews. They are hidden behind the names like JJ or I like to Make Cookies. Sometimes there is no picture affiliated with the profile, or they don’t even write a review other than giving the program a 1 out of 5 stars. It leaves me to question if they, in fact, were enrolled or had experience with the program.
There are very unethical programs out there that will pay someone to write a negative review for a competitor program. For real. That’s shady!
Make sure you read the good and the bad. If you only focus on the bad reviews, you will be concerned about the program recommendation. Keep in mind that there are a lot of different families who have enrolled a love one in this program. Ask the prospective program to be able to speak with a former parent. Then you’ll definitely hear a positive experience!
One of the questions I ask programs when I visit is “if I were to Google your program, what would pop up?” Programs are forced to share all secrets. Transparency is the only way anyone will truly get better. The programs that won’t talk with you honestly about what you’ll find online , are the ones you need to be wary of. Those aren’t the programs I’m recommending. And if there was an incident where something traumatic did happen, you better be certain I’m asking the staff to speak to staffing or programmatic changes they made so they won’t be repeating history.
Please don’t read everything you read online. Take it all with a grain of salt. Don’t believe all the good, or all the bad. We are all human afterall and treatment is not a smooth process. Read the reviews, but then ask the program about what you’ve read. Trust your gut in what you hear.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Living in Absolutes
Change is always hard. When it comes to changing vocabulary, one must be mindful of the word choice and what they’re trying to convey. Language can be so complicated! Something I’ve been trying to be conscientious of lately is using absolutes in my statements. It wasn’t until I was consciously observant that I heard the messages I was unintentionally conveying. Not sure what I mean by ‘absolutes?’ Let me break it down.
Examples of absolutes include always, never, nothing, everything, definitely, anytime, best, and worst. Depending on the sentence this word is used in and the tone used, the messages could be vastly different! Humor me by reading this aloud:
“I would never go back! That place was the worst!”
Compare it to: “I would prefer to not return. I did not have a great experience.”
Notice a big difference? A lot less words in the first example but conveying a message that describes the place as being the absolute worst. That, and they will never return.
Absolutely comes off as rather harsh. Like it’s the final straw, and can not be visited again. My personal favorite is:
“I will definitely be there!”
Who are we kidding? I know myself. If I can opt out of something, I probably will. I need alone time to recharge, seeing that I am a huge introvert. No, I will definitely not be there. I might be there. And if I show up I’ll be happy to see you!
Living in absolutes makes life harder than one realizes. It makes you less likely be to be invited to hang around. Using this language, really had a negative connotation. I’m not saying you can’t use it. I’m just asking you to pay attention to the words you use.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.