Household Expectations for a College Student Returning Home
The short of is it is that if your child went away to college, they likely got a taste of some freedom. Everyone experiences this differently. If your child is the type who really flourished while being away, it’s imperative that you proactively establish household rules and expectations before they return. If you expect them to do certain things but don’t communicate it, that’s what breeds resentments. Unspoken resentments attract conflict. In order to keep your home your oasis, you need to discuss how “living at home” will be for your returned-from-college student.
Here are some examples of expectations:
Ask for permission, rather than forgiveness when it comes to anything that your parents own and your interest in using their things (i.e. phone, car, boat, etc.). The reason we need you to ask if because we may have plans that include those items and would be very upset if they were taken without a conversation.
Do ask what you can do to contribute around the house while you are home (i.e. take out the trash, clean bathroom, fold laundry, rake leaves, put away dishes, offer to cook, etc.). If we need to be specific about a schedule, we can do that.
Do let us know your plans. Will you be joining us for dinner? When will you be in/out of the house? And if you do want to suggest something for the family to do together, please propose the event (time, location, details, etc.) ahead of time so we can confirm availability. We don’t want to be worried about you, and we also don’t want to be annoyed with you. Just keep us posted.
Participate in family plans. Be curious about what we’re doing, and express interest in being involved. If you are living at our house for the summer, we anticipate that you will engage with us and not just use as a free place to stay without interaction.
Curfew is XX. Be inside the house at this time, and also send a text that you’re home. Be quiet when you come in, and no cooking or baking early in the morning after a night out. If you aren’t returning home, text by XX to say where you’ll be staying and with whom.
No unfamiliar guests in the house, especially at night, without parents having met this person/people. (This is especially important if there are younger children in the house and school is still in session, or if the parents work from home and need to be up early)
If the car is in our name, we expect that you will not be driving while under the influence. This also includes you not allowing someone else under the influence to drive it. If you or someone else crashes the car or get in trouble legally for this exact situation, we will determine how we are willing to support you (or not). This will likely include us not paying any legal feels, and possibly requiring you to pay us back for the car.
Overall, be respectful of our house and how we live. Now that you’ve been away, you may not agree with it, but this is our home and you’re returning to stay in this space willingly. If you don’t want to respect us, the house, and how we live, you are welcome to live somewhere else.
Keep in mind this isn’t meant to be a punishment, nor do you want to lay down the hammer with rules. You are just acknowledging that life in your house was different for you too when they were gone. You’ve adjusted to them being out of your house. Now that they’re returning, it will be an adjustment for everyone. Anticipate this, and be assertive in communicating what will make this living situation peaceful for everyone under your roof.
Lastly, communicate that you’re eager to have your child back under your roof. You love them and missed them! Because of this, you’re also excited to get to know them as the young adult they are becoming. Speak to how delighted you are that they choose to come back home and want to spend time with you. And lastly, mention that the household expectations may shift over the course of the summer, but it will be communicated and discussed by all. That could be because of employment shifting, or any other unforeseen circumstance. Being flexible will be important for everyone.
In the end, if your child is not respectful of your rules, if they crash the car, or if they are out of control - get your power back. They’ve become a home terrorist and you don’t have to tolerate it. Find a Therapeutic Consultant to help you in helping your young adult. Chances are your child knows that how they’re living isn’t what they want, so working with a consultant will be a relief for them.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
