Home Terrorist
This image of this is terrifying, and it’s very real for some parents. An adolescent or young adult living in the home who is literally holding the parent hostage. You are walking on eggshells and there isn’t an hour that goes by, let alone a day, where your child is not at war with you. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, because you are at odds. Maybe it’s because you held a boundary and they didn’t agree with it. It escalates to the point where you feel unsafe in your own house. Your own child is vindictive and intentionally torturing you. Sometimes law enforcement is involved, but sometimes that can be voided. Either way, it feels extreme and you dread being at home with your kid.
Their only way of communication is screaming. Their only way to release the anger they feel is to destroy property. They throw things or punch ways. They curse at you, and insult you. Your go-to response is to either retreat and cry, or you rise to their level and scream back. Sometimes this is all through text, while your child is behind their bedroom door. No matter, we know none of this is healthy. The simple goal is to have an adult-to-adult conversation, but when you have someone who has so much inner pain it’s not always an easy switch. They need to be out-of-the-home and working on that inner pain before they can learn to communicate differently. And as the parent, it’s also challenging to make changes while you’re both in the same environment. When there’s an opportunity to be in different places, I refer to this as “going to your own corner” to calm down. Just getting away from each other continues can be diffusing of the situation.
If this is describing your current home situation, I want to first start by saying I see you. I can only imagine the hostility you feel. After empathizing, if you need help, let’s get you and your loved one help/ Not sure where to go or how to help them? Hire a consultant. We can assess the situation and behaviors and help you with specific recommendations for resources for your loved one. If they agree to enroll somewhere, then you as a parent need to pivot to also get connected to your own resources. For a situation like this, I would recommend the parent consider seeing a trauma therapist or participating in a trauma workshop. Living in a household where you feel any of the experiences listed above – that’s the definition of ongoing trauma. As your young adult is getting help, in order to not respond similarly in the future, you will want to have “done your own work” too.
You can learn to communicate differently. That’s always a start! The reality is if your child is to this point in their behavior, it may be best to skip to getting them help first and then you can learn to communicate differently down the line. No matter, let’s get you your power back. Let’s get you your home back. Let’s bring back the peace, both in the environment and internally.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
