Understanding the Difference Between Boundaries and Control
Understanding the difference between setting healthy boundaries and exerting control is one of the most vital shifts a parent can make when raising a young adult. Making this shift is marking a the start of a new chapter where you are no longer parenting a child, but rather supporting the launch of a young adult. Control is an effort to dictate another person's behavior, choices, or internal state, often driven by a parent's own anxiety or desire for a specific outcome. It’s acceptable when it comes to having a newborn or adolescent child. Boundaries, on the other hand, are focused entirely on your own limits, resources, and emotional well-being. This allows for defining what you will do, tolerate, or provide not than what someone else will do. Control can be renamed micromanagement, whereas a boundary clearly communicates where your financial and personal support begins and ends, leaving the ownership of they young adult’s choices (because they have them!) squarely in their hands.
The family cell phone plan offers a perfect illustration of this dynamic in action.
An approach rooted in control sounds like: "If I am paying for your smartphone, you must text me back immediately, let me track your location, and keep your grades above a B, or I am taking the phone away." This framing uses financial leverage to force compliance and govern their daily habits. Conversely, an approach rooted in boundaries sounds like: "I am happy to pay for your phone service as long as you are actively pursuing your education or working part-time. If those conditions change, I will need you to take over your own monthly line." Here, the boundary isn't about managing their screen time, knowing where they are, or punishing their behavior; it simply defines the conditions under which your financial support exists. When it comes to young adulthood and independence, there is nothing that screams more “I’m on my own!” when you’re paying your own cell phone bill.
By shifting from control to boundaries, you give your young adult the space to experience genuine self-reliance. They need this in order to survive out in the world. When a control-based approach fails, it usually devolves into screaming matches, sneaky behavior, and resentment, because the young adult feels managed like a child. Truthfully, I don’t blame them because that’s exactly what is happening. When a boundary-based approach is tested for instance, if they drop out of their classes like presented in the example above, simply follow through on your side of the agreement by removing them from the bill with emotional neutrality. In doing so, you stop acting as a manager and step into the role of a supportive guide, allowing the natural outcomes of their decisions to teach them how to navigate the adult world.
This transition can also be a heck of a lot harder put into practice. If you need support in building your own strength and mastery, consider hiring a Parent Coach to help you. They are the experts in this area and there is no judgement in this learning curve. It’s not easy!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
