Healthy Boundaries
It might be easier to understand what makes a boundary “healthy,” if we start by sharing some ways that boundaries can be “unhealthy,” or as I was describe – in effective. A very simple unhealthy boundary would be expecting other to know what you want or need. Unless you’re communicating it, no one can read your mind. Another very common unhealthy boundary is saying “yes” even when you don’t want to do something. Whether it’s because you don’t have the time or interest, it doesn’t matter. If you said yes and you wanted to say “no,” you’ll regret that unhealthy boundary of agreeing to do something you didn’t want to do. When there is chaos within a home, another common unhealthy boundary is when a person stuffs their feelings “to keep the peace.” By stuffing your feelings, you are setting yourself up to explode (or implode) at some point down the line. Feelings need to expressed, not stuffed. I could probably rattle off a lot more, but let’s not focus on the negative.
Below are some very common “healthy” boundaries. If you are a parent and learning about boundaries like taking water from a firehose, take a minute to read these, and then let them sink in.
Asking for what you need from those around you. Self-awareness, and self-advocacy.
Being comfortable saying “no.” This includes for anything - money, resources, your time, etc.
Making choices based on your values and beliefs. And if you don’t know these, take some time to sit down and identify what your values and beliefs are so you can ensure the choices you make are in alignment.
Feeling safe and valid when expressing your emotions. Learn to listen and not defend. The same goes for those people around you. If they can’t actively listen and acknowledge your emotions, you won’t feel safe to express them.
Feeling that you matter. Acknowledgement and validation.
Knowing your happiness is your responsibility and yours only. No one can make you feel anything.
Knowing that you’re not responsible for someone else’s happiness. Again, only they are responsible for how they feel. This is not your responsibility.
Being comfortable disagreeing. The world needs healthy discord. You don’t always have to go along with others. Stay firmly in what you believe, think, feel and if it’s a “agree to disagree”-type situation, that’s okay!
Acknowledging what you’re feeling. It’s time to learn to pay attention to what your body is telling you. Are you feeling tense? Are you feeling stressed? Are you feeling euphoric? Educate yourself on feelings other than happy, sad, and mad.
Being comfortable changing your mind. This is also allowed. Your decisions don’t have to be finite. Your values and beliefs can change. Be okay with indecision or changing your decisions. Don’t let fear paralyze you into not being able to shift when necessary. But also, this decision for change needs to be yours, not someone else pressuring you. That’s when we talk about “caving” into pressure.
When you learn to do some of the above, you will start to feel whatever weight is weighing you down start to lift. You’ll start to feel more confident in your stance. You’ll start to really learn about what matters to you, and how to protect that. Life isn’t about making others happy. If that’s your focus, you’ll go to sleep exhausted and defeated every. single. day. Take care of yourself. Healthy boundaries is a good way to start doing that.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
