What to Do When Your Young Adult Lies
I’ll start by saying this is increasingly becoming more of an issue with the young adults I work with. Parents will frontload during the inquiry conversation that their young adult is a “compulsive liar.” I cringe. When I hear that, it’s hard for me not to immediately jump to conclusions around the expectations and judgement from parents. I shift to getting more curious when I speak with the young adult, as I can anticipate the amount of shame they’re likely navigating.
As a parent though, if you discover that your emerging adult has lied to you it can often trigger feelings of betrayal, anger, and a sudden breach of trust. However, jumping straight to severe accusations or emotional outbursts usually shuts down communication and forces them deeper into self-defense. Emerging adults often lie not out of malice, but out of fear of disappointment, an urge to avoid conflict, or a desire to protect an illusion of independence they feel ill-equipped to handle. I can almost pinpoint this being more geographically relevant based on where the client grew up (i.e. Bay Area, NYC, etc.). As a parent, taking a brief and deliberate pause allows you to separate the lie itself from your emotional reaction. This allows you to shift your role from an interrogator looking to catch them in a trap to a grounded parent seeking a path back to honest connection. If you’ve found yourself in the role of interrogator, let’s get you out.
When addressing the dishonesty, present the facts directly and calmly without laying out elaborate traps or playing detective. Frame your response around your core value of honesty and the real-world impact of dishonesty on adult relationships. You might say, "I know what happened with the rent money, and hearing something different from you hurts. I can handle tough news, but I can't build trust or support you if I don't have the truth." Focusing on the breach of trust rather than demanding a immediate confession gives them space to step out of their defensive posture. Clearly communicate that mistakes are a normal part of young adulthood.
Moving forward requires aligning their privileges and your financial or logistical support with their demonstrated honesty, rather than resorting to arbitrary punishments. Rebuilding trust is a gradual process that relies on natural consequences such as verifying information moving forward until transparency is restored. Make it clear that your door remains open for honest dialogue, and acknowledge the courage it takes when they do choose to tell you a difficult truth. By pairing firm boundaries around honesty with an unwavering readiness to support their growth, you help your emerging adult realize that genuine independence requires the courage to take ownership of the truth. When they have anxiety around fear of failure or disappointing you, having courage and being radically honest can be unattainable.
Let’s get your young adult the support they need for themselves, in an effort to rebuild their trust with you. This may include needing to see a therapist, working with a coach, or both. Finding the right people is paramount. Have your young adult work with a Therapeutic Consultant to figure that all out.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
