Setting Boundaries with Adult Children

If you are letting your adult child live at home, you need to set boundaries.  Boundaries are not meant to be bent or dismissed.  If they are, it opens a space for miscommunication, resentment, anger, frustration, and depression.  A family could be establishing boundaries for a recently-graduated-from-high-school student, or for your college student who has decided to take a break from school.  Regardless, boundaries need to be in-depth, all-inclusive, co-created, and followed to a tee. 

View the setting of boundaries as you would a business contract.  Parents need to remember that once their child turns 18 they are not legally required to care for them any longer.  Anything a parent does for their young adult after the age of 18, is a gift.  That adult child is not entitled to anything from their parents.  Not buying a car, paying for college tuition, or buying a house.  Not a thing!  Remember this, parents.

When setting boundaries, you will want to create a document that will cover all of the following topics:

• Rent amount and due date

• Expectations around grocery shopping, cooking, and dishes

• Additional required tasks around the house (taking out trash, cleaning bathroom, driving sibling to school, etc.)

• Bedroom/house cleaning and timeline

• Personal Laundry responsibilities

• Work/school commitments

• Creating a weekly schedule, including getting up in the mornings

• Communication and respectful behavior/language to all family members

• Expectations for overnight guests

• Weekday and Weeknight Curfew

• Drug and alcohol use – zero tolerance or acceptance

• Most importantly: Exit strategy and date of moving out

In creating this, the exit strategy and date of moving out is the end goal.  However, if your adult child does not follow through with any of the other boundaries, you will need to create a contingency plan.  This is an “If… , then … “-type situation.  Have this in writing.  Have your adult child agree to it, even if it is begrudgingly.  Everyone involved in creating this will need to sign it. Make it official! Remember, they are an adult.  If they want to be treated like an adult, they will need to acknowledge that living at home is a privilege, not an entitlement.  Take back your house, parents!  Consider this the adult child eviction process.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.