When You’ve Shifted from Parent to Untrained Therapist
There is a distinct difference in parenting and accidental clinical support. Make no mistake, all the articles I’ve written about reframing, boundaries, and “I feel” statements would give the the impression you’re educated and equipped to help. Alas, when your young adult is truly struggling with mental health challenges, it’s imperative that your young adult gets that support from trained professionals. I, myself, have to be careful to know my limits in my conversations with young adults. I’m mindful to ask questions that give enough information but down open old wounds. In an effort for everyone supporting the young adult, let’s talk about red flag’s that indicate we’re out of our lane:
Conducting Late-Night "Processing" Sessions: If you are sending hours analyzing their childhood, anxieties, or cognitive distortions instead of holding standard nighttime boundaries.
Walking on Eggshells: Altering basic household operations or avoiding necessary boundaries out of fear of "triggering" their symptoms.
Pathologizing Normal Behavior: Interpreting simple laziness, poor habits, or defiance exclusively through a clinical diagnostic lens rather than holding them accountable.
Managing Their Treatment: Scheduling their therapy appointments, tracking their medication schedules, or researching therapeutic techniques to use on them at home.
A parent told me once “I’m not Okay, if my kid isn’t okay.” There’s a lot that’s concerning about that statement. That parent, in particular has dipped far into the “untrained therapist” lane and found themselves enmeshed and coregulating with their child. That’s messy. That’s hard to get the right treatment for the young adult because it’s harder for the parent to step back from being so involved. In fact, I find these situations tend to be where parents will sabotage their child’s progress in care because the parent is overly communicating with the treatment team and not understanding that they are no longer the “expert” in the room. It’s a blow to the ego.
Circling back, supportive parenting focuses on providing a safe container which is unconditional love, practical life structure, and clear household boundaries while holding the young adult accountable for their own life. Accidental clinical treatment happens when a parent attempts to diagnose, manage, or cure their child's internal psychological state, taking over responsibility for their mental health. Keep tabs on where you are. Get help in working with a Parent Coach to stay out of the therapist role. You got this!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
