The difference between Chronological Age versus Developmental Age in Young Adults
It’s not uncommon for a parents to say something like “they are 23 years old, but they really act like they’re 16” when describing their child to me. This is the classic example of understanding the difference between chronological age, and where the young adult is developmentally. When an emerging adult reaches legal adulthood, parents often expect them to seamlessly assume adult responsibilities simply because the calendar says they are eighteen, twenty-one, or twenty-five. However, a major source of family friction stems from confusing these two. Expectations are premeditated resentments. If you’re expecting your young adult to be able to do something simply by their age, you will find yourself more frustrated than not.
It’s helpful if we understand clearly the difference between these two topics. Chronological age is the exact number of years someone has been alive. Basically, how old they say they are when someone ask their age. Developmental age measures a young adult’s emotional maturity, executive functioning skills, and psychological readiness. While we know chronological age advances automatically every year, developmental age does not advance automatically. Its pace is influenced by brain development, life experiences, mental health, and individual temperament.
Neuroscience reveals that the prefrontal cortex—the area of the brain responsible for impulse control, long-term planning, risk assessment, and emotional regulation—continues to mature well into a person’s mid-to-late twenties. Consequently, a twenty-two-year-old may legally be a full adult on paper, but developmentally function closer to a seventeen-year-old when it comes to managing stress, organizing daily tasks, or resisting immediate gratification. Expecting a young adult to act “like an adult” purely based on their birth date often leads parents to set unrealistic expectations. If you are finding yourself having the same argument with your young adult, maybe pause and ask yourself if you’re taking their developmental age into consideration. Additionally, if the expectations are unrealistic to the reality of their maturity, they will constantly be failing - you, themselves, and whatever task they’re being charged with completing. It’s a no-win game. Think about working with a Parent Coach so you can learn how to shift to match parenting your child’s developmental age, rather than their birth date.
Recognizing the distinction between chronological and developmental age allows parents to adjust their approach so they don’t fall into the trap of enabling. Instead of demanding self-sufficiency because of their child's age, parents can meet their young adult at their actual developmental skill level. This means providing targeted structure and "scaffolding" such as teaching independent and adulting skills until their emotional and cognitive maturity catches up. By parenting to their developmental age rather than their birth age, you offer the precise, realistic support your emerging adult needs to build genuine, lasting independence.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
