Five Ways to Stop Enabling
When you are aware of the difference between helping and enabling, and you identify that you are in fact enabling, you need to act now. Now that you are what you have been doing is enabling, you must stop this cycle. Your adult child needs to finally launch on their own. We will learn quickly whether sink or swim. Regardless, you are no longer responsible for how they do. It is now on your adult child to figure it all out!
Everything is easier said than done. If you have been enabling for your young adult for a long time, it will take some adjustments for you to fully stop. This will feel uncomfortable, unnatural, and sometimes downright painful. In the end, it will help you and it will help your adult child. Here are five ways to go about cutting off enabling behaviors:
The only thing you will “give” to your adult child is your love; no money, no assistance, nothing else. If you have been shelling out cash for years, it’s important for your young adult to learn that they must live on their own means. If they cannot afford their lifestyle, they have to make their own adjustments. Like, getting a second job if that’s what is necessary. You do not give them money for any reason, whether you want to give it or they ask. The Bank of Mom and Dad is officially closed.
You will put your own oxygen mask on first. If you’ve never flown a plane, this analogy will be lost on you. If you have flown a plane, this might make a lot of sense. Parents often rush in to save their children when trouble is brewing. Often, they forget to breath first. They emotionally react, and quickly. In order to stop enabling, when you have your oxygen mask on first you will notice whether or not you need to step in to help your child.
You will not accept excuses. You’ve probably already heard it all. You desperately want to believe them, but in your gut you know they are lying. Step away from being emotional as a parent right now, and pretend you are not a family member for a minute. How would someone else respond to what it is they are telling you? Would they cut your child some slack? Would they accept their excuses? Chances are, they would not. Do not accept any excuses.
You will remain consistent and firm with holding all boundaries you set. If you said they needed to pay rent by a specific date each month and they keep forgetting, they are out. If you were a landlord and not their parent, they would be charged a late fee and then evicted. Do not let your adult child take advantage of you. You have given them 18+ years of guaranteed love and security. Beyond their 18th birthday, everything you do for them is a gift. They are not entitled to you giving them a car, paying for college tuition, providing a roof over their head and food to eat on your dime while they play video games. Hold your boundary and let them know they have got to go.
You will focus on the things you are grateful for that are in your control. Tough love is really hard for parents to embrace. A lot of parents I work with cringe at the idea of holding a boundary, or they fear their adult child will hate them forever. That is the furthest from the truth of what ends up happening. Grudges fade and it is replaced with appreciation once they are able to fully grasp everything you were doing for them. In order to focus on the positive, find a support group, therapist, lean on your partner, go on vacation, read some books, get a massage, etc. Take care of you, and be grateful for your own strength in finally cutting off the umbilical cord of your adult child.
This won’t be easy. You need to know you are not alone. As the parent of an adult child, you have every right to prioritize your own life. If you follow these steps, you will feel healthier and happier in no time. And most importantly for you as a parent, your adult child will learn to be healthier and happier on their own as well!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
