All the feels when dropping your young adult off into treatment

The emotional roller coaster ride of what you’ll feel before, during, and after your young adult goes to treatment.

I recently witnessed a parent give their testimony of their experience in dropping their young adult off. Even years after that exact moment, this parent was still very emotionally shaken. It was evident it was exhausting. From an audience standpoint, it was hard not to get pulled into her emotional experience.

Now, every parent and their emotional attunement is different. I think it’s important to know that although we are unique, the actual emotions that are felt can be normalized. They can be felt across the nation, and world, for parents struggling with keeping their young adult alive. In no order, it’s important to talk about how some of these emotions show up.

First, the moment you get them into a program is complete and utter relief. Even if they quickly turn around and try to convince you to pull them from the program, you are still able to breath for the first time. If your young adult was abusing substances, you might feel this more than other parents. Especially if you were constantly worried about where your young adult was, if they were alive, and had no way to contact them. That can be extremely stressful and nerve-wracking.

Once the dust has settled, your sense of relief may then transform into a sense of guilt, shame, and lock-yourself-in-your-room kind of sadness.  First, it’s okay to feel guilty and sad. It’s time for you to start allowing your emotions to flood out as you’ve most likely been so angry and worried for so long that it’s forced these other emotions to take a backseat. Now, if you don’t know the difference between guilt and shame, you need to educate yourself immediately. It will make your life so much harder if you bring shame on yourself for where your young adult is. That has nothing to do with who you are as a person. It might have something to do with how you parented, or didn’t parent, but that’s still not who you are as a person. Make note!

After crawling out of the sadness, often parents find themselves locked into this dichotomous situation where they are resentful of their young adult for the past, and yet beyond anxious for the future. By the time a parent gets to this place, the young adult may be showing signs of remorse, gratitude, and contemplation for changing in the future. The question we often hear parents asking are “is my kid truly different/better?” and “Will it really stick this time?” That’s a tough predicament, and most parents have been there. You want to “Trust the Process” and yet how do you do that when you’ve got years of mistrust to work through? 

If you haven’t already connected to your own therapist to do your own work by this point, it’s important you consider it. Resentment can really sabotage your young adult’s progress post-treatment. If you are holding on to what was done before, it’s easy for the young adult to then feel like a burden and if they aren’t strong enough this is a prime place for them to relapse. When parents ask me “what are the success rates of this program?” long before enrolling in treatment, my answer is always “it depends on how much work you do, not your young adult.” If the parents don’t do the work too, then treatment can be a complete wash. Truly.

Now, if you get through treatment long enough to hear talk of what comes after, then you might be feeling very confused and indecisive. There are several things important to note here. One, treatment is not a 30-day process. There is research out there to say that one year of being in recovery programming can exponentially help with long-term sobriety. That’s not something that you hear about before enrolling your young adult into a short-term residential or wilderness program. It’s not a one-and-done situation. This is a marathon, not a sprint. And long-term treatment can be a very expensive investment in your young adult. You want to make sure you aren’t deferring to Google to help find a program or throwing spaghetti on a wall to see what sticks. Both options are equivalent. What doesn’t stick will be a lot of money down the drain for you!

If you’re indecisive or uncertain of where to even begin to look for ethical programs or programs that will be best suited for your young adult to have this continuum of support, it’s important to consider hiring a Therapeutic Consultant. This is the work we do, and we want our clients [read: the entire family system] to get well. We visit programs so we can connect you with the best fitting program. When it comes to investing in your young adult’s long-term recovery, think about investing in a Therapeutic Consultant. It may just be the best decision you ever made.

In the end, you’re allowed to have all these feelings. What you do with them will determine part of the path that your young adult with walk down. Make sure you’re getting your own therapeutic supports. Once everything is said and done, you can only control yourself and how you respond to the world [read: your young adult]. Taking care of yourself is the best way to enjoy the rest of your life.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.