Entitlement

For me, this is the hardest thing to work with when dealing with a young adult.  The question has little to do with where the young adult flipped a switch to appearing deserving, but rather where the parents strayed in holding a boundary and catering to their child’s every demand.  A parent’s bargaining or little-to-no boundary holding is where this monster was created.  Now it is time to burst their bubble.

No, I do not get joy out of witnessing a young adult’s pain.  Do I get satisfaction out of a parent getting their power back though?  Hell yes!  When it comes to young adults, their parents do not owe them anything.  If you are over the age of 18, anything your parents give you is a gift.  Know this!  It is not something a young adult can demand.  If they are stomping around demanding their parent gives them things, or does things for them, then forgive me for comparing them to a toddler.  The only difference?  The parent does not have to oblige.

When you are 19 years old and demanding your parents give you your allowance, you are entitled.  When you are 20 and you scream at your parents about making fish for dinner when they knew you do not like fish, you are entitled.  When you are 27 and unemployed and your parents are paying your rent, food, and additional living expenses, you are entitled.  If you are a parent reading this, take back what is yours.  Anything you give them after the age of 18 is a gift, it is not mandatory or required.  If your child who is an adult is demanding these things from you, get help now.  Give yourself the strength to say no.

If a parent stays firm with holding a boundary, a young adult will quickly learn that without the support of their parent they have nothing.  When that realization sinks in, then it opens doors to reflection, kindness, apologies, and a young adult understanding the reality of their financial situation.  Often, without the support of their parents they’d currently be homeless.  If that’s not something they’ve yet experienced and they are still stubbornly demanding foolish request for their parents, this may be a necessary reality check. Again, I do not get excited when I see my young adult clients in pain.  Let me clarify, this is a perceived pain.  These young people are not hurting.  Merely, they are learning than their previous tactics are no longer working.  When you hit a wall, it hurts.  That’s what is now happening to these young adults.  The parents, however, are growing metaphorically stronger by the minute as they take back their power.

Change is not easy.  Shifting the power dynamic in a family, is not comfortable.  If you are a parent and are wanting to continue to pay for your 30-year-olds’ car and car insurance, by all means, continue to do so. But if you want your child to learn to be self-sufficient, independent, and thrive on their own you will have to confront them on their entitlement and you will need to learn to cut them off.  It’s actually a lot easier and softer than it sounds.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.