Not going to college is an option!
Most young people do not realize this is even an option. As a society, we have drilled in this idea that the only option post-high school is college. Anything else is less-than. Anything else is an outlier. Anything else will lead to an unsuccessful life. Realistically, the “everything else” is what will lead you to a life of no-debt and endless possibilities.
More and more I am working with young adults who jumped into college. They did not think anything otherwise and yet when they landed is was not feet-first. A lot of them experienced failure for the first time. And with their little-to-know experience with failure this was not a small bump in the road, but rather a terrifying experience that paralyzed them enough to not return.
A university is supposed to be a place for a young person to develop and figure out life. Realistically, this might have been an appropriate approach in the 1970s. Now, we have a lot of developmentally younger college students now who are years behind the college idea of “figuring it out.” Most of Gen Z is reliant on their parents. A lot of them are struggling because they spent more of their adolescent years excelling academically only to land in college and not have the resiliency and/or knowledge of how to thrive as an adult independent of schooling.
Everyone needs to know that non-college options are out there. It is easy to ignore these options when the pressures that surround you include AP coursework, SAT scores, and which college may give you a scholarship for your summer lab research. Other than studying hard and doing research, what life skills did you take away from these experiences? If you cannot come up with a response, that is an even larger indicator that you may need to take a break from school to grow up before enrolling in college. If you did not think that not enrolling in college was an option, know now that it is.
If you do not go to school the world will not end. College is not going anywhere. When you are ready to attend, it will be there. Certainly, some colleges will close their doors because of COVID-19. That may not have been the college option for you anyway. If you decide you are not going to college, know that it is okay! If anything, you need an alternative plan instead. You can participate in a gap year. You can enlist in the military. You can enroll in a young adult transitional program to learn independent skills while not living at home. You can move into an apartment and work as a nanny full-time. Seek opportunities outside of your childhood home. Know that options other than college exist. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the possibilities, consider hiring a professional to help you narrow down the options.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Defer and Mature
As a parent, if you identify that your 18 year-old-child is immature, please note that solely “going off to college” will not be the catalyst of growing up. If you are a recently graduated high school student and you are having second guesses about college, know that is totally okay. Well all need to trust our guts. If you see it, if you smell it, if you taste it… it still is. So, if you see that your child is unmotivated, nervous, unrealistic, will struggle with motivation or getting up on their own, then do not push them into going to school. College can wait.
You can defer your admission. That could be for one semester, or ideally one year. By deferring, you are not throwing college away, but rather giving yourself some space to breath to be able to grow up before stepping foot on campus. This is not an opportunity for you to push-back the inevitable, but rather supplant your college enrollment dreams by filling your time with opportunities for growth.
Domestic opportunities exist. Some international opportunities still exist. You have to anticipate your own health and access to healthcare, whereas that may not have been a priority before. These are opportunities though that will provide space for you to live away from home, be employed, learn to cook, travel, meet new friends, troubleshoot conflict and communication, and flush out your next step in life. By deferring college to do this, you are giving yourself (or your child) the biggest gift. Life is learning!
If you see yourself as immature or not ready for college, consider deferment. Maybe by the time you complete your gap experience you will discover that you want to explore a completely different post-secondary track. You would never have gotten there, especially that fast, had it not been for your decision to defer to participate in an alternative opportunity.
There is nothing wrong with going against the herd!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Entitlement
For me, this is the hardest thing to work with when dealing with a young adult. The question has little to do with where the young adult flipped a switch to appearing deserving, but rather where the parents strayed in holding a boundary and catering to their child’s every demand. A parent’s bargaining or little-to-no boundary holding is where this monster was created. Now it is time to burst their bubble.
No, I do not get joy out of witnessing a young adult’s pain. Do I get satisfaction out of a parent getting their power back though? Hell yes! When it comes to young adults, their parents do not owe them anything. If you are over the age of 18, anything your parents give you is a gift. Know this! It is not something a young adult can demand. If they are stomping around demanding their parent gives them things, or does things for them, then forgive me for comparing them to a toddler. The only difference? The parent does not have to oblige.
When you are 19 years old and demanding your parents give you your allowance, you are entitled. When you are 20 and you scream at your parents about making fish for dinner when they knew you do not like fish, you are entitled. When you are 27 and unemployed and your parents are paying your rent, food, and additional living expenses, you are entitled. If you are a parent reading this, take back what is yours. Anything you give them after the age of 18 is a gift, it is not mandatory or required. If your child who is an adult is demanding these things from you, get help now. Give yourself the strength to say no.
If a parent stays firm with holding a boundary, a young adult will quickly learn that without the support of their parent they have nothing. When that realization sinks in, then it opens doors to reflection, kindness, apologies, and a young adult understanding the reality of their financial situation. Often, without the support of their parents they’d currently be homeless. If that’s not something they’ve yet experienced and they are still stubbornly demanding foolish request for their parents, this may be a necessary reality check. Again, I do not get excited when I see my young adult clients in pain. Let me clarify, this is a perceived pain. These young people are not hurting. Merely, they are learning than their previous tactics are no longer working. When you hit a wall, it hurts. That’s what is now happening to these young adults. The parents, however, are growing metaphorically stronger by the minute as they take back their power.
Change is not easy. Shifting the power dynamic in a family, is not comfortable. If you are a parent and are wanting to continue to pay for your 30-year-olds’ car and car insurance, by all means, continue to do so. But if you want your child to learn to be self-sufficient, independent, and thrive on their own you will have to confront them on their entitlement and you will need to learn to cut them off. It’s actually a lot easier and softer than it sounds.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Ten Common Mistakes Parents Make (when selecting residential placements)
This is you and every other parent out there. You are not alone. You thought process when it comes to residential treatment is in the majority. After you read this list, if you feel that you have checked more than half of this list, reach out to the professional to help you.
We want a place close to home
Parents often think that is they can keep their child close to home it will somehow help with the treatment process. The truth: there is no correlation. If anything, the further a young person is from home when they do treatment, they more likely they will have the space to change.
We want something affordable
Quality treatment is not inexpensive. If you champagne quality treatment on a beer budget, you are going to be slapped in the face with the reality of your situation. No, we do not expect that only families in the 1% can afford quality treatment. What families do not realize though is that if you go cheap first, you may end up paying a lot more in the long run. How, you ask? Well, you went cheap treatment, you got cheap quality. Maybe that level of quality did not help your young adult. So, you find yourself 3 months, 6 months, or 12 months later back in the same situation again – looking for treatment. It is better to find quality treatment out of the gate and pay for it rather than always go with the lowest bidder!
We want our teen fixed
Your child is not broken. Humans do not break. Certainly, do we fall in ruts and struggle? Yes. But do we break when it comes to mental health? No. If you are asking for a “fix,” you are going to be quickly told that is not how this works. The sooner you realize this is not about fixing your child, the smoother this will play out.
That school helped our friend’s child
Just because it worked for them certainly does not mean it will work for you. Hopefully, this doesn’t need a lot of explaining. Every child is different. I am glad that one program worked for your friend’s child. For your own child, it may be the furthest from the best-fitting program as you could get.
A six-month placement should do it
My initial rebuttal is “where did you get that timeline from?” If there is research, please send it to me to read. For a young adult, six months is only the beginning. Realistically, you are looking at twelve months for
We are looking for a military school or a boot camp
Woof. Why? First, these programs are a) not common, and b) not ethical. If your child needs a program to help get them in line, a military school or boot camp may be more traumatic for them in the long run! There are plenty of ethical programs out there that have a softer approach in connecting with a client to understand their resistance. Sending your loved one away to military school or boot camp could be creating more damage than healing.
We can trust what professionals tell us
Take anything than anyone says to you with a grain of salt. If you are asking a Psychiatrist for recommendations for therapeutic placement you have to remind yourself that their training and knowledge is medically based around medical management. If a School Counselor tells you about one private school they knew about, take their recommendation with a grain of salt. Unless you talking with a Therapeutic Consultant, who specifically travels around the US visiting treatment programs, any professional who is recommending a program or placement to you may be completely off-base. Hire a Consultant to help you navigate these choppy waters!
We don’t need to tell the school/professional everything our child has done
Don’t be this parent. Any information you withhold can be a liability to you and your child. Professionals and programs ask questions in the admissions process not to be judgmental. Their job is to do all the information gathering to ensure that your child is appropriate for their program and will not jeopardize their current milieu. If you withhold information about your child, you could do some serious long-term danger for your child and to the program you are referring them to.
We will save money by finding a school or program by ourselves without the help of an Educational Consultant
This is furthest from the truth. It’s so much smarter to pay for a Consultant to help you narrow down your options. First, you may not know where to begin to look for options. Second, if you search on Google you will be more than overwhelmed with options. Third, when you start calling programs you learn than most if not all of them say that your child would be appropriate for their program and they have space. So how do you know if they’re ethical? How do you know if they’re legit and safe? The only way to ensure that is to hire a Consultant.
We do not need to get the other parent involved
Another huge red flag. If this is an adolescent and there is joint custody, you absolutely need to have the other parent involved. If it is a young adult, there is a little more flexibility in what is appropriate for treatment. When it comes to the finances of it all, if one parent is willing to solely support the treatment continuum, then they can do that. But if you need the other parent to help financially chip in, you will need them involved from the onset. Treatment is not cheap. And if someone’s healing is dependent on the reparation work with one or both parents, well, one or both parents need to be involved in the treatment process.
In a time when people are trying to pinch pennies or cut corners to make treatment affordable, you may not realize that you are jeopardizing the overall well-being of our child. You need to hire a professional to help you navigate this process, period. And if you think you are getting quality mental health care by solely selecting the cheapest programmatic option, you are setting yourself and your loved one up for a multi-treatment cycle. In the end, you are going to pay a hell of a lot more money because you did not seek guidance in the beginning. Let that sink in.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Deferral Request Rejected
So, you got into your dream school. Congrats! Then COVID-19 hit, and things changed drastically. You have been reeling in the sorrow of the grief and loss of celebrations that were supposed to happen. Now that we are in the throes of summer, a lot of students are changing their minds. It is not that they don’t want to go to that dream school, it’s just that they didn’t sign up to “go” there when they’ll be taking the classes online from the comfort of their childhood home. If you ask me, that is not a collegiate experience I would pay for.
To remain a student, you decide to defer. You anticipate that it will be a non-issue and you will hear from the school soon that your request has been granted. But then you find out you are, and the 4,999 other incoming students of class of 2024 all submitted the same request. Triggering Admissions will do what they need to do to keep their institution open: they deny your request. For the first 100 or so students back in March and April, their request was most likely granted. In July, they are probably knee-deep in whatever alternative gap plans they were dreaming up, so they are moving forward knowing happily that they will be joining the rest of their college cohort in Spring 2021 or later. But for the student now staring at the email stating the denial of their request to defer, you are stuck between a rock and a super hard place. What do you do?
You can opt to take classes from said school remotely, which is what everyone else in the world will be doing come August. Any college President that tells you that on-campus classes will resume has their head in the sand about the reality of Generation Z following public health orders. It is college, for goodness sake. Now you are left to decide what to do. You may believe your options are:
Enroll. If you do not will you have to reapply in the future? And because you did not enroll the first time, will you end up being denied? What happens when (not if) classes are officially announced as being all on-line for the fall? Can I get my deposit back? Does that mean I have to live at home and study?
Appeal the denial for the deferral request. There is a chance they will say no again, and when that happens, then what?
Accept denial as a sign that this school only cares about your money and not about your mature wishes to defer to ensure you are successful on their campus. In that case, throw a little party for the endless opportunities and knowing you just dodged a major bullet.
Realistically, there could be more choices and yet it can also be just this simple. If you are one of the hundreds of students right now receiving these letters denying your request for deferment, know that it will be okay. If you are wanting the full college experience, you will not get it this fall. Period. So why not wait until that is possible and then enroll? For the time being, do something else. Get a job, volunteer, intern, travel (safely), move, and learn adulting skills by some folks other than your parents. Feeling paralyzed by the possibilities? Let a professional help you! College can wait, and there will still be a lot of college options after Fall 2020. Enroll when you know what you want to study and when you know you can make use of all the resources on campus. Right now, that is not possible.
You got denied, so what? No need to fight it. Do something else and wave to that university and say “your loss.”
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
The Reinvention of the Gap Year
Things look very different for the Class of 2020. Where most students had expectations of college enrollment, pledging Greek life, and starting anew, those plans are mostly dashed. Parents are not seeing the value in paying those out-of-state price tags for a Zoom education in their childhood bedroom. Let us be real, no one would pay for that. So, what are we left to do instead? Insert: the reinvention of the gap year.
Gone are the days where the idea of a gap year being solely for the against-the-grain student who wanted to spend 12 months traveling the globe. Although that is still certainly characteristic of some gap options, but not the majority. In fact, a lot of gap options moving forward are domestic. If you are not sure where to even begin to look for options, you can start with the Virtual Alt Fair Series as well as reference the Gap Year Association website to learn more about options. Overwhelmed by all the options? Do not fret! Hire a professional to help you narrow down the best fitting options for you.
The difference between programs vary. It is important to note that not one single program looks similar. Programs can range in location, recreation, employment, education, vocation, peer group, cost, transferability to higher education (if you want to go that route), mental health supports (if that is a priority), and COVID-19 protocols, just to name a few. These programs span across the US and will allow your young adult to continue to grow into adulthood, rather than stall out living at home and waiting for colleges to “open up like normal.” Welcome to our new normal. Unless we miraculously come up with a cure within the next two months, this is the world we are living in for a while. Time to stock up on those masks if you have not already!
The important piece to know as a parent is that your young adult does not have to live with you. Period. There are more than ample options available to you and your child to find something for them to move out and participate in come Fall. No, it is not the college move-in-date that you had in mind. If you do not have a plan though, things will get ugly quick. You want your young adult to launch. Well college is not the option we originally thought it was going to be, so now it is time to reference plan B. Who are we kidding, we are talking about Plan Z at this point!
We are learning to reinvent the gap year. The notion of what a “gap year” was before can now be thrown out the window. Our children need to figure out how to thrive separate from their childhood home, starting now. They need to work, fend for themselves, and find ways to connect socially in finding enjoyment in adult life. Again, it many not be what you originally planned for your child. It is certainly a better plan than letter them wallow in their childhood bedroom doing nothing.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Failure Deprivation
It is exactly what it sounds like. It’s the opportunity, or lack thereof, where one builds resiliency by experiencing failure and overcoming it. A lot of the young adults I work with now have experienced “failure deprivation.” Not because they couldn’t have survived a skinned knee, but rather, because their parents didn’t allow for the opportunity.
Fast forward to first semester in college. What happens often? Failure! Social and academic failure are a near guarantee in college. You make new friends and they may turn out to not be great friends. You turn in a paper assuming it was an A+ only to receive the D- that you earned the following class. Shock! Disbelief! Knocked off your humble pedestal! A deep well of sadness and disappointment that turns into a voice of shame and a narrative on repeat that says “I’m a failure.” Notice I didn’t say “I failed.” In the vacuum of failure deprivation, young people don’t have the experience of differentiating between who they are from what they did. This, along with the inability to stumble, fumble, and grow, is a big reason why our college students right now can’t hack it.
If you are a parent of a kid, no matter their age right now, and you realize you have provided that safe bubble – stop right now. Let your children fail. It’s hardest for you, as a parent, to witness it and not help. By not providing them the growth that is necessary in becoming an adult, they will never be able to thrive independently. In fact, they won’t be able to thrive at all. Someone who hasn’t experienced failure and lived through, hasn’t truly lived.
Let your kid learn to live!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Congrats Grad! (Now find your own job!)
In truth, this is extra hard right now because of COVID-19. College students weren’t able to celebrate the accomplishment of their graduation like we’d originally anticipated. Then it came and went, and now we’re stuck in a very familiar, very uncomfortable spot. You moved back home with your parents and are currently applying for jobs. Correction: your parents are searching for and applying for jobs for you. If this is your life right now, or if you are that parent, you need to stop immediately.
This includes calling employers to inquire about internships or jobs. It includes filling out the job application for them. It includes not funding their living expenses (rent, food, etc.) when/if they are unemployed and not interested in living at home. And it certainly excludes calling an employer when they didn’t select your young adult for a job. If you are doing any of these things, you need to stop immediately.
Most likely, you funded their post-secondary education. If yes, hopefully during that time they took advantage of connecting with the Career Center on campus to learn about interview skills, resume writing, and how to secure a job! If they didn’t, boy did they miss an opportunity! This would be a natural consequence based on their inaction during college. And because of that, it’s not your job to help them, or fund them. There are plenty of resources for temporary employment. If they can do that to at minimum pay the bill, they need to do that.
Believe it or not, employers talk to each other. It’s embarrassing to a 21+ year-old to have their parent continue to do things for them as an adult. It’s not necessary. As much as it may feel like you’re helping, you’re actually hurting your child. You need to let them navigate this space themselves. You have to be comfortable knowing it will not be smooth sailing for them. And yet, that’s adulthood.
So, congrats again, grad! Now get out there (on your own)!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
When outpatient care isn’t enough
This is usually the level of care that families will start off with. Seeing an individual therapist one a week, every two weeks, or once a month is normal. You may throw in there joining some sort of specific group therapy (example: DBT group for young adults) in addition to seeing the individual therapist to add-to. And for those with serious family conflicts, family therapy can sometimes be a bonus. Before you know it though, a lot of your free time is spent with outpatient services and yet nothing feels like it’s moving forward.
Whether it’s the parent, the young adult, or the Therapist directly that says “this isn’t working” it is something that may happen. And when it does, you have to know where to go next. Typically, moving away from your current living environment is what will really start to make a difference. We are now transitioning to a “residential” level of care.
When outpatient care isn’t working, it feels equivalent to trying to make a 5-point turn only to reverse and drive forward in to the same exact position without turning the wheel. You might as well bang your head against a wall. It’s not working. You need more, and that’s totally okay.
What is important to note is that when you transition to a higher level of care and it does help, then after a specific length of time in residential, you can step back down to outpatient. At that point you will have learned new skills, done a lot of therapeutic work, and you’ll have the self-awareness to identify when you are stuck in that car pulling forward, and reversing right back into the same position. You will not only have the awareness that it’s happening, but you’ll also have the ability to pull yourself out of it.
When you realize that outpatient care isn’t doing it for you or for your loved one, seek guidance. Just Googling treatment will get you in a heap of trouble! Have a professional to guide you so you know what you’re doing. That way you get the right care the first time, and then you can ultimately transition back successfully to that outpatient level of care.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Treatment Program Comparison: NOLS vs. Wilderness Therapy
There is a sharp difference between the National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS) and Outdoor Behavioral Healthcare, i.e. Wilderness Therapy or Adventure-based Therapy programs. Often, families will inquire about wilderness therapy, only to decide they are enrolling their young adult in a NOLS or Outward Bound course instead. For some families, that may seem to be a better course of action. For others, it may be an unavailable option altogether. In this article I want to compare where NOLS and Wilderness Therapy programs align, and spotlight the differences.
NOLS has been around since 1965 and is most appropriate for a Gap semester, or Gap year option. It gives a young person the opportunity to gain leadership skills, interpersonal skills, navigate group dynamics, build resiliency, and garner situational awareness. Participants walk away with certifications such as Wilderness First Responder (WFR), Wilderness Emergency Medical Training (WEMT), Leave No Trace Educator (LNT), college credits in Outdoor Education, or more. NOLS offers 30-day expeditions, and semester-long expeditions. From my college days, I placed NOLS on a pedestal as the producer of the highest-of-caliber outdoor educators. I still view NOLS in this same regard.
Now that it is summer and families may be exploring program options for their young adults for the remainder of Summer or starting in Fall, I implore families to not rule out wilderness therapy programs. And yet, it’s hard to know which is a better option. By participating in a wilderness therapy program a young adult will gain leadership skills, interpersonal skill, navigate group dynamics, build resiliency, and garner situational awareness. Does that sound familiar at all? The sharp difference is that those who enroll in a wilderness therapy or adventure-based program, enroll within a clinically structured program. Participants meet with a Licensed Therapist weekly, and commonly do family therapy as well. These programs last anywhere from 8-12+ weeks. Depending on the OBHC program you enroll in, you may walk away with a Wilderness First Responder (WFR), Leave No Trace Educator (LNT), college credit in Outdoor Education, or more.
Both are a serious financial investment for a family. OBHC programs often submit for reimbursement with insurance to make the costs more affordable for families, since their loved one is working with a licensed therapist. Some wilderness therapy programs are even a base-camp model and are a state-licensed as a residential treatment program. Both NOLS and OBHC additionally offer scholarships for those with financial hardship. Both will have young adults graduating with a sense of accomplishment, a drive for their future, and a newfound purpose for living. Both are appropriate for true separation and individuation between parents and the young adult, especially when it is time to be independent! Parents will also notice self-efficacy in their young adult and feel a sense of pride in their kid’s growth. Either option is good all around for everyone involved. And yet, depending on the young adult one is still more appropriate than the other.
NOLS is not appropriate after a recent hospitalization or residential treatment stay for mental health or substance abuse. It goes without saying, though apparently it needs to be said, that acute psychosis is a hard rule-out for NOLS. This is a risk management issue that a non-clinical program cannot afford to make. A recent hospitalization, residential treatment stays, or even psychosis may not be appropriate for an OBHC program, however they are more equipped to handle this population.
On the NOLS application it lists:
"Applicants with a history of a mental health disorder within the past
three years, which may have required psychotherapy, medication,
hospitalization or residential treatment, need to be in a period of
stability ranging from six months to two years, depending on the
condition, before they will be accepted for a course. Applicants need
to be gainfully occupied such as attending school or employed. NOLS is
not appropriate for applicants just leaving residential treatment
facilities."
In reading the NOLS application, it appears that it would easily filter out potential applicants. For a recently withdrawn-from-college-due-to-mental-health-issues student, it may not be as clear. This question alone would seem to turn a lot of applicants away. However, I am aware of parents that are filling out the applications on behalf of their young adult. Parents who may see themselves as helping their child, when they are enabling them. We need to be honest. We need to be transparent. We need to let the young adult fill out the application themselves. If they are not the ones driving this opportunity, we are collectively setting them up for more failure.
NOLS or a wilderness therapy program are an appropriate proactive option for high school seniors before college, or in deferring college enrollment. When it comes to the “launched-into-college-and-failed” group, it is a different story. It is important to properly assess what is really going on, and what makes the most sense to relaunch your young adult. Inquire with a Therapeutic Consultant to understand which option would produce the desired outcomes. Note: there a lot of wilderness therapy programs to choose from, so you also want to make sure that you are linking up with the best fit in that space as well! If mental health is an issue, participating in a NOLS course will be an accomplishment, however the mental health issues will still be there after completing the course. Where to go is a case-by-case recommendation.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
When Telehealth is not enough
By mid-March most if not all mental health providers had already made the shift to telehealth. Just like all the college professors asked to put the rest of their semester online, it was not a smooth adjustment for everyone. That included the students and clients. So, like the classroom, now adolescents and adults around the world are trying to decide if telehealth is working for them.
It is diagnostic for a Therapist to see the inside of your living space. This is entirely new information that they are not just hearing but seeing firsthand. Or, when the client has angled their screen so that only half of their face is showing and they are not looking at the camera, this is also diagnostic. What is most concerning for TeleHealth clinicians right now though is when their clients are in duress. When they have shared that they have lost their job, or if their anxiety is leading to panic attacks. If a client shares that they have relapsed, or they haven’t been sober during the entire quarantine. These are all areas where it is important for the TeleHealth provider to refer out.
Residential treatment is still operating during this pandemic. In fact, these programs are more essential now than they’ve ever been. So for client who has increased acuity and TeleHealth is not enough, think about all the potential resources available outside of their home. Whether it’s mental health treatment, or addiction treatment, these programs are still admitting new clients. Think about the benefit of going now rather than continuing to do telehealth sessions from home when nothing else is changing.
Telehealth is enough for some people, but it’s definitely not enough for a lot of people right now. A pandemic can wreak havoc on one’s emotional, mental, and fiscal health. For those where telehealth isn’t enough, seek out treatment today.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Bringing Home the Elephant: The Rise of At-Home Overdoses during Quarantine
Co-authored by Chris Kirby and Joanna Lilley
Hiding an addiction while under the same roof as family might have worked in the past, especially if only visiting for short periods of time. With the sheltering in place, families have found their adult children returning home to temporarily stay safe from COVID-19. But that order has lasted far longer than most folks originally anticipated. There is no hiding now.
While hospitals are trying to triage beds for those impacted by COVID-19, they are finding a tug-of-war situation for admits. The beds are needing to be used to detox. Those beds are needed for people who overdosed. This is an unprecedented predicament that hospitals are in. Pandemic aside, the risk of at-home overdoses will continue to raise as the unemployment rate skyrockets, and parents continue to fear letting their children leave home. This can only continue to get worse before it gets better.
Below you will learn about a story of a young man who had this exact story. Luckily, he managed to get connected to The Last House in Los Angeles, California:
Ryan’s sister started laughing when she heard what she thought was snoring coming from her brother while they were watching a movie at home. When she tried to wake him up she saw the saliva and foam coming from his mouth and realized he wasn’t sleeping, he was overdosing and the sounds he was making were his body struggling to breathe and stay alive.
Ryan and his sister Liz were home from College as the result of nationwide stay at home orders in response to the Covid–19 pandemic. Weeks before, Ryan was at The University of Arizona where his drug use and excessive drinking were easily masked by passable academics and a party atmosphere typical of college campuses. His parents had taken notice when his friends voiced concern about his drug use. They knew that he was recreationally using drugs and going to parties, but “that’s what all college kids do.”
Growing up in an affluent suburb of Los Angeles, California, there was nothing out of the ordinary about his regular use of marijuana. Ryan was well liked, athletically gifted and on a clear track to attend a major university. He also had a nervous disposition, rarely did his own laundry, and his immaculate room was kept that way by his mother.
Ryan survived his potentially fatal overdose thanks to his sister’s attention and the quick reaction of the local emergency services administration of Narcan, a common overdose reversal drug. This event in his family’s home was undeniable and precipitated his family to research drug treatment.
Unfortunately, Ryan’s story is not unique. This incident is one of several similar cases at The Last House alone. That in itself indicates a rise in familial awareness of their loved one’s substance use issues. Across the country college students returned home to finish their spring semester from home. Chris Kirby, Admissions Director at The Last House even commented “We’ve seen an increase of young adults who returned home from college during quarantine and overdosed at home where their family was then forced to confront their substance use problems.”
To professionals working in the treatment industry, the warning signs were clear prior to the potentially fatal overdose. But to families, their love sometimes can cloud the image that is immediately before them. For Ryan’s family, or any family is a similar situation to him, becoming familiar with the warning signs can be the difference between a life saved and a life lost. Not familiar with the warning signs? Here’s a short list:
habitual drug use
adverse consequences
Little-to-no remaining relationships due to lack of ownership and addiction taking over
Often the question we ask ourselves as professionals is “why don’t families call for help sooner?” The answer to that is much simpler. It is stigma. Families may feel shame when their child can’t participate in or complete educational goals because of learning differences or drug abuse. And if it’s not shame, it may be related to image and reputation, or worse, just not being aware. Any of these scenarios can potentially be deadly as evidenced in Ryan’s situation and others like him.
There is no harm in making a confidential call to professionals to get an assessment and opinion on early intervention. The phones are ringing, and we anticipate the rise of overdoses, DUI’s and emotional breakdowns related to substance use. As a parent, if you can get your child connected now, do not wait until it gets worse.
If you or a loved one is struggling and needs the advice, do not hesitate to reach out. We are non-judgmental and want the best for your child. That call could be the difference between life and death. That’s not something you want to be thinking about right now.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Time alone does not heal all wounds
This saying, although somewhat accurate, can be misleading. Time alone will not heal your wounds. If anything, it only buries your emotions. Only to resurface after being triggered at the most unexpected and inconvenient times. If you have wounds, make note of this.
What does help heal wounds, you ask? The equation “time + therapy = healing” may be the solution needed. Honestly, it just depends on what happened to create your wound. Was it a bicycle accident? Were you deployed? Was it a sexual assault? Were you fired from your job? Was it a childhood trauma? Did you lose a loved one? Or most recently, did your entire life plan shatter because of the COVID-19 pandemic? Time alone will not heal these wounds. These experiences have changed the firing and wiring of neurons in your brain, whether you realize it or not. You will have physiological responses that you wish you could control but cannot. Trauma is not something you can just put away in a closet and pretend it is not there. The more time that is passed without getting help, the longer you are treating a constantly reopened wound.
Going to therapy just to go is not the right response to this. Knowing which type of therapy is most appropriate to assist with this healing is paramount. Talk therapy, also known at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) alone may not do the trick. You will need to participate in therapeutic modalities that provide a bilateral stimulation of your brain. It goes back to the rewiring comment above. Modalities and approaches such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Brainspotting, Experiential Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, Equine Therapy, Mindfulness, Expressive Arts Therapy, and Sand Tray Therapy, are just a few commonly accessed options to begin healing. It is also important to note that often, participating in a residential level of care to get access to several of these therapy options simultaneously which can, again, help with the healing.
Healing does take time. Without getting connected to proper care, your mental health could suffer. Time alone will not heal from any pain one experiences, no matter how big or small you view the traumatic event. Hiring a professional to help you get connected to those appropriate resources to heal will be the best investment you could make.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Caregiver Fatigue
Co-authored by Jake Summers and Joanna Lilley
Every time we fly on an airplane, we get to hear one of the best pieces of life advice that we probably ignore: “Put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.” We must ensure that we are safe ourselves before we can start to help others. This metaphor is extremely important to remember when we think of the caregivers to those who suffer from substance use or mental health disorders. As caregivers stop focusing on self care, they unknowingly begin to suffer from fatigue, and become less helpful to those they love.
What is “caregiver fatigue? It is the gradual loss of motivation, focus, and ability of a caregiver to provide sustained support for a loved one in need. While this applies to those who care for the sick, elderly, disabled, or a number of other individuals, we will focus specifically on those who informally care for adult children suffering from substance use disorder (SUD) or mental health disorders (MH).
For anyone who has spent even one evening ‘babysitting’ an intoxicated friend, they would be quick to admit that this can be exhausting. Caregivers of individuals with SUD / MH live in an unpredictable cycle of mood swings, defiance, and irrational behavior. This cycle will bring any parent, sibling, friend, or significant other to their knees if they are exposed to it for a long enough time. This is precisely why family support groups like Al-Anon exist. The caregiver continues to show up because they often feel like there is nowhere else for their loved one to turn, or it would be a selfish act to turn away. The most selfless thing a caregiver could do is stop caregiving for their loved one.
Caregiver’s are often confused and frustrated. Often wondering “why” they are unable to fix their loved one. It’s a complete paradox too. The caregiver will be utterly exhausted and desperate to throw in the towel on one hand, and then manage to muster enough energy to refuse to “give up” on their child. They say it’s because they refuse to let them die. They are drained - financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually - and yet they continue to find themselves logistically managing all appointments, providing transportation to said appointments, and then ensuring they have eaten. They might use the expression “I’m done. This is it. You’re cut off,” but then they find themselves right back in the same situation where they aren’t following through with their threats. They are not holding boundaries. They are giving endlessly, and getting nothing in return other than more heartbreak and disappointment. There is a way to beat this cycle.
Stop giving. Now, you must prioritize your own self-care. It is not selfish to put yourself first. How can you give on an empty tank? Families that are living with a loved one with SUD / MH are constantly anxious, and long-term anxiety can have debilitating effects. Caregiver fatigue is when someone is metaphorically killing themselves to save someone else. It’s a lose-lose scenario.
Stop and think, just briefly. Are you trying to force a square peg into a round hole? That expression is more accurate than not when it comes to families getting their loved ones to treatment only to find that it wasn’t a good fit. It didn’t work, and yet they spent a lot of money, yet again, on a failed treatment program. Or worse, if your own fears or stigmas associated with residential treatment are what is keeping you from recommending that level of care, after multiple failed attempts at Outpatient treatment. Pay attention to how you are feeling, what you are thinking, and how you are reacting. Catch this proactively, if possible. If you don’t, you will find yourself in a very uncomfortable situation down the line where you wish you could continue to give, but you have nothing left.
If you are thinking about sending your loved one to treatment, make sure to ask about their family therapy programs. Therapeutic Consultants are also very valuable resources for families, as they are better equipped to provide advice to assist the entire family system. There are tools and resources available for caregivers to break this cycle, but it takes willingness and effort.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Stress and Trauma Within the COVID-19 Pandemic
Co-authored by Joanna Lilley, Leah Madamba, and Steve Sawyer, LCSW, CSAC
In a whirlwind our lives have changed, everything we have known from our regular morning rituals, access to groceries, and even our freedom to travel. The “adulting” world has been dramatically uprooted and this has kept most of us adults hyper-focused on adapting our adult lives. Many people are slowly adjusting to the “new norm” in their homes and professional lives. Now . . . what about the kiddos?
From Hallways of Interaction and Isolation Through Screens
Social life is at the center of every teenager, and they are that way by design. Pair this need for social interaction with the “Individuation” stage that psychologist Erick Erickson theorized and you have a royal combination of challenges in the current Quaran-teen predicament. With being isolated from all in-person interaction, aloneness becomes a real issue when it comes to these current safety measures.
There were already warning signs in our Pre-epidemic youth with current trends of dysfunction in the overuse of phones, texting, video games and social media. The most alarming warning sign is that Suicide and Anxiety rates were already at an all time high and on the upward trajectory. See figure below:
Another image demonstrating our adolescents struggling can be seen in this image:
We are now faced with having to allow these deeply embedded social needs met only via the virtual world, potentially pushing our youth into further isolation during challenging times. The ability to enforce electronic limits is essential for mental health but take it too far and we then risk refusal to follow social distancing protocols. We are in a tough parenting situation, and even forced to bend our parental morals.
With Isolation on the increase, out of necessity we begin to risk damage that will be difficult to reverse. Aloneness is often the largest and most painful part of any traumatic event.
Differentiating Trauma and Acute Stress Response
When we look at stressful situations we often use the word Trauma. There is no denying that this is an extremely stressful time. There are four key factors when we look at high stress scenarios to be considered: High level of distress, Powerlessness real or perceived, Aloneness/Isolation, and Lasting residual symptoms post event. In the criteria of Post Traumatic Stress as a mental health illness, symptoms must still be present 1 month post event or threatening situation. Many of the largest anticipated acute stress symptoms become difficult to differentiate from PTSD when they are generalized or do not have specific triggers.
Based on these four factors, it is apparent that our society is in a time of high stress, and the outcome of this for each individual will be largely based on their perception and the coping mechanisms they choose. For those that perceive that they are powerless and sink back into a time of isolation, they could experience a larger stress response. Contrast this with the response of people who are using this time to reconnect to important people in their lives and choosing to see this time as an opportunity to shift their decisions. They will likely come out of this time with a renewed sense of purpose. That is how many people can live through the same event yet have vastly different experiences and takeaways from it.
Trauma: The Long Game After Effect, Pathology vs Adaptation
As mental health professionals throughout this pandemic the word Trauma has often been thrown around as a label to summarize the emotional and reactive experiences of the Pandemic. When examining the most common mental health diagnosis for Trauma we look to the criteria for the diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) listed in the mental health diagnosis manual the Diagnostic Static Manual the DSM-TR.
The criteria for PTSD as give by the DSM TR Diagnosis Manual are:
Criterion A: stressor (one required)
The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, in the following way(s):
Direct exposure
Witnessing the trauma
Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to a trauma
Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma, usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, medics)
Criterion B: intrusion symptoms (one required)
The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in the following way(s):
Unwanted upsetting memories
Nightmares
Flashbacks
Emotional distress after exposure to traumatic reminders
Physical reactivity after exposure to traumatic reminders
Criterion C: avoidance (one required) Avoidance of trauma-related stimuli after the trauma, in the following way(s):
Trauma-related thoughts or feelings
Trauma-related external reminders
Criterion D: negative alterations in cognitions and mood (two required)
Negative thoughts or feelings that began or worsened after the trauma, in the following way(s):
Inability to recall key features of the trauma
Overly negative thoughts and assumptions about oneself or the world
Exaggerated blame of self or others for causing the trauma
Negative affect
Decreased interest in activities
Feeling isolated
Difficulty experiencing positive affect
Criterion E: alterations in arousal and reactivity
Trauma-related arousal and reactivity that began or worsened after the trauma, in the following way(s):
Irritability or aggression
Risky or destructive behavior
Hypervigilance
Heightened startle reaction
Difficulty concentrating
Difficulty sleeping
Criterion F: duration (required)
Symptoms last for more than 1 month.
Criterion G: functional significance (required)
Symptoms create distress or functional impairment (e.g., social, occupational).
Criterion H: exclusion (required)
Symptoms are not due to medication, substance use, or other illness.
A key factor to highlight within the diagnosis of PTSD is that the symptoms must last for more than one month following an event or contact to the threat. Using the standard trauma definition proves challenging in this pandemic situation because the threat will likely be an ongoing issue. Pandemic issues will not clearly fit the criteria of PTSD until the threat is both gone and symptoms persist throughout time. This will be a key factor in demonstrating functional impairment is lasting through the test of time.
The test of time is a key factor for determining whether stress responses are an action necessary to preserve both our own safety and our lasting survival. In this case we need to be diligent about not pathologizing terms like “traumatized” and have a more healthy view of our current behavioral manifestations as “adapting” behavior. Adapting behavior is seen as healthy, Trauma has a connotation of pathology.
Examining our Childhood Stress Lessons from Developmental Trauma Research
With the current pandemic situation it is important to recognize the differences of stress response based upon age. Children often respond differently from adults and modern research of children in traumatic situations long term offer some indicators for what to look for.
The outcomes that differentiate stress responses experienced early in life with events like those in the now widely accepted ACES research show an outcome in early youth exposure to Toxic stress. Two key studies that have paved the way to the proposed diagnosis of Developmental Trauma Disorder have mapped children’s common symptoms when immersed in toxic stress over time. Unseen Wounds: A Childhood Study of Maltreatment and Where No Where is Safe both extensively investigated childhood specific stress response when immersed in threat over time. These studies paved the way to separate the symptoms of children of trauma stress responses from that of the adult focused diagnosis of PTSD stress responses.
The some of the key criteria are outlined in this chart below.
As we can see in this chart the key differentiator is a wide spanning dysregulation. Dysregulation is often defined as; Abnormality or impairment in the regulation of a metabolic, physiological, or psychological process. In the Unseen Wounds study this dysregulation was found to often be witnessed in children through hyperactivity, rapidly fluctuating moods and emotions, and an inability to focus.
The ramifications of dysregulation is a well researched and supported stress response in children is also now compounded with social isolation and home schooling dynamics. The combination of inability to “play” out dysregulatory energy with other children and the drive towards electronic based education in some ways may build the pressure of a stress “time bomb” if not directly targeted and released from a developing nervous system. It is highly likely that this will show itself with lasting effects in our children, however time will be the only true factor in identifying the current pandemic as traumatizing to our children. The symptoms above need to be carefully researched in the years ahead and parents need to be educated about this being a variable in interacting with their stressed children patiently.
Grief and Loss of the Comfortable
Let’s talk about the grief and loss of “our existence as we know it” for adolescents and young adults right now. With the sudden change to so many of our normal activities, it is important to identify what we are feeling as grief and loss. As David Kessler mentions in his recent podcast with Brene Brown, our own loss is our greatest loss. So for our teens who are now not in school, this could be the biggest loss they have experienced so far in their lives. For our emerging young adults, the loss of the typical rites of passage at this age including graduation ceremonies from high school or college. This loss is being felt by thousands of young people right now.
As our current situation continues to evolve, it can feel like we are experiencing ever widening rings of grief. Initially we might have been sad about having to Stay Home and Stay Safe for two weeks. When we reached that milestone, we learned that the time frame had been extended, for some of us indefinitely. The slow unfolding of this crisis means that many of our children will continue to deal with new layers of this grief and loss, all while we as adults and parents are dealing with our own layers.
Grieving our new changes is the result of missing something before the change. This can leave us irritable, and often in a state of dis-ease. As we continue to navigate this, it can be helpful to remember the five stages of grief that David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages do not prescribe a linear path that we walk along but instead outline the different phases we will go through in our own unique order. Knowing this and being able to identify it as such can help us get through this while also offering support and guidance for the young people in our lives.
No More Friends, no more school and an uncertain future
As the school year wraps up many parents are now facing the reality that their summer plans are looking very different and a lot of uncertainty still exists about the fall. With school being cancelled and having our college students back at home, how does this translate to a traumatic experience? These scenarios will affect people differently. For many of our youth, they will face this time with a certain resilience that they have learned along the way. For others, this time will cause them to pull further into their shells and alienation from the outside world.
How can we support these young people right now?
Take care of yourself so you can be present for them. This might be going for a walk once a day or making sure you are staying hydrated. During these difficult times, the little aspects of self-care matter.
Continue to educate yourself about signs and symptoms of grief and loss, stress, and trauma. Being self-aware, and being aware for the sake of helping others. We are all impacted differently, and at different times. It’s important to know the signs and know how to help.
Create plans A through Z. These plans create predictability, safety and security for young people. Create plans for the summer. Then have several plans for what could play out for the fall. Be prepared to adapt. Be prepared to be flexible, and adjust accordingly.
Be Present. Take a few moments each day to be present and available for your young person to really tune in to how they are feeling and experiencing things. While these moments can be hard to find when we have so much on our plates, it is a crucial piece to understanding the difference between them feeling sad or something more serious.
Connect With Others. It is easy to isolate during these hectic times, so encourage your young person to reach out and connect with others. This can be friends, family, or even finding new friends through joining on-line class or book club.
Be Sure to PLAY. Play and the enjoyment of play are key variables in releasing held stress from our nervous systems.
Seek out Therapy. Find a TeleHealth provider that can work with anyone experiencing grief and loss, struggling with adjustments, and trauma. Also consider that one professional may not be enough. Look into additional supports to add to your team. This could include family therapy, Psychiatry, Coaching for adolescents, young adults, or parents, as well as any other professionals that feel appropriate during this time.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
One Diploma, comprised of Coursework from Eight Colleges
Often, parents are terrified at the idea that if their child leaves college to get help, or take a break, that they will never go back. Realistically, that could happen, but is that a rational fear at the time? Hard no. Hundreds of colleges exist, and hundreds of colleges accept transfer credits. Do not believe me? Check out Transferology. If your kid starts at one school, it does not mean they will not return to that one school to eventually earn their degree. There could be some time spent in between earning college credits elsewhere. In the end, does it matter? Another hard no response. Where you are awarded your degree is just a name of the school who decides to collect and accept all your credits.
It is rare to have someone take every single college credit from one college or university. Often, they are taking classes at a community college at some point, from a previous 4-year university, or just working to get their life experiences count towards credits. Having worked in higher education, I would say that it is normal to take classes across several institutions. Sometimes it may be for financial reasons. Other times it may be because of access during a specific semester, a desired professor, smaller class size with the focus on individualized attention, or studying abroad, among other reasons. For me personally, my Bachelor’s degree was comprised of coursework from three separate schools. I have dated people who have accumulated transcripts from so many institutions, they cannot keep track.
In working with students, the biggest fear can often be if it is looked down upon them for taking classes elsewhere or transferring. To which I validate their fears and normalize the experience that they are currently in the minority for not taking classes at multiple institutions. I also worked, and still work, with a lot of parents who are insistent that their child never take classes at any other school other than the school they were originally accepted. To which I respond to them, “Just why?” Honestly. When someone completes their degree at a school, it is because they met all the degree requirements. Whether those classes were from another school or from their institution is up to their Admissions and Registrars Offices. When your child gets their diploma in the mail there is only one school name listed. For that, there is no reason why it is not okay for your loved one to take classes at another school.
Do you want to ensure those credits will transfer? Absolutely. The last thing you want to do is spend money on college classwork that will not transfer to another school, thus requiring to take the same class again. That is the only arena where I could see a parent being hesitant to allow their loved one to take classes at multiple institutions. Otherwise, let your kid take a break. Let them take a gap year. Let them go to treatment if they need to, and eventually go back to school. Let them take classes over the summer at your local community college. Let them take charge of their education. And let them graduate where they decide they want to graduate. It is their name on the diploma after all.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
The Substandard Collegiate Experience
These words rolled off the tongue of Scott Galloway in the most recent Pivot podcast episode. For a split second, I held my breath. What was he really eluding to? That college online is substandard? Or that we are now focusing our attentions on colleges we used to view as substandard? I guess it’s open to interpretation.
Let’s be real, no one is a fan of the idea of virtual college. If you are enrolling in college for the first time in the fall, you are particularly allowed to be put-off by the notion of still going to that school, but not in stepping foot on campus. It’s one thing to take an online class by choice in a world without COVID-19. It is a completely foreign idea to experience everything college solely from a virtual world. Although colleges and universities will tell you the sole focus of higher education is the act of working towards that expensive piece of paper called a diploma, that is only a smart part of the collegiate experience.
If we look to Hollywood on how college is portrayed, the focus is certainly not on academic. If you are short on Netflix idea, here is a highlights reel, in no particular order, to catch you up to speed on how wild college can be:
Again, academics are not the focus in these movies. They depict the social experiences that students can live to regret. Now that is worth spending a pretty penny to partake in. How are they going to be able to participate in raging Greek parties when they are completing all their college coursework from their childhood bedroom? Gone are the days when you go to college to find your future spouse. Not saying it is not still a possibility in the 21st century, but I highly doubt you win someone over by sending them a private message in your Zoom class. People do enroll in college to expand beyond their high school community. They go to meet new people. They go to make new friends. They go to start a new chapter. They go to college because that is what society has driven them to believe they must do.
Now, we’re all set up for the letdown. All those dreams and fantasies about tailgating at football games, doing research in the engineering department, or 2am Dominoes orders to the dorm room, they will remain as dreams and fantasies. We will clinge to the hope that one day, post-COVID-19, we can settle back into the collegiate experience that we had hard about and loved.
So, going back to Scott’s comment. If he was speaking to students attending local community colleges instead of four-year universities as substandard options, I’d say that’s garbage. Fortunately, community colleges are set up for all types of learners. They have the online platforms already up and running successfully, and they focus on supporting accommodations and learners from home. If anything, this pandemic may spotlight how badass community colleges can be. Now, if he was referencing attending a four-year university online as being substandard, I am listening. If the school did not have an online learning platform or flexible faculty, I would totally agree that this education could potentially be substandard. Not to mention, you are still paying a substantial amount of money for the prestige of taking classes at the school when you are on campus. Something seems off there to me.
If you are reading this and you are siding with the idea that “hey, maybe taking classes online from the school I was excited to attend feels substandard…,” then I say to you: don’t go. Just do not pay for it. Pay for something that does not feel quite so substandard.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Taking a Gap Year during College
Taking a gap year while in college is okay. In fact, it is more normalized than most people realize. No matter if you are rounding on your Freshmen year, or are pulling a Van Wilder, enrolling in a gap year program is available to you. If you are burning out in college, feeling less motivated, and just needing to breath – participating in a gap year program could be the ticket you need. A mid-college gap year experience could truly be the re-energizing opportunity providing an opportunity for self-exploration that a young adult may need.
Benefits of Taking a Gap Year During College
Why could this be beneficial? First, it could be cheaper than one semester on-campus. In addition to that, your young adult could still potentially be earning college credits while participating in their gap year experience. Secondly, most young people who participate in a gap year experience walk away with a clear vision on their academic or career goals. This is important to highlight, especially if they were struggling on campus with this exact issue prior to enrolling in their gap year program. And lastly, it really allows your young adult to reflect on their experiences up until this point. Without pause and reflection, they may not see the forest from the trees. In this case, a lot of college students lose sight on why they enrolled in college to begin with. By stepping away, when they return not only with them be re-engaged, but they will also be recharged and excited. You can’t argue against an opportunity that would facilitate this resurgence.
Certainly, those high-level takeaways may be the same across programs, but you need know that not all programs are alike. Some categories that distinguish one program from another include: average age, national or international destinations, option to earn college credit, language immersion, global stewardship, cost, and duration, just to name a few. Truly no programs can compare. Navigating where to go, what to do, and when to enroll can present as an arduous process. Make it less overwhelming by hiring a Gap Year Consultant to help you.
Returning to College After a Gap Year
After participating in a gap year experience, some students may have different outcomes. They may return to their original institution, or they may consider transferring. Regardless of what they do, you will want to encourage them to have a plan. Good news though, chances are because of their increased self-efficacy and self-advocacy from participating in a gap year experience, they will already have a plan and not need coaching. Do not fret if they decide to transfer. At the end of it all, a diploma will only show the name of the university from which you completed your degree, not where all your credits came from.
Taking a break from college is okay. But not having a plan is setting oneself up for failure. Know that returning to your childhood home to recharge will not have the same end results as participating in a gap year experience. This is the opportunity of a lifetime! If you struggled with the switch to virtual learning in Spring 2020 and fear that it will remain virtual for the Fall, do not muddle through. Hit pause on college and hit play for a gap year experience.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Wilderness Therapy Programs as a Gap Year Option
The topics wilderness therapy and gap year conjure up unique and completely different, yet emotionally filled assumptions and stereotypes. I am not a betting woman, but I am willing to bet that what you are envisioning may be grossly inaccurate of what these types of opportunities can provide. Let us just play a game for a minute. I will pretend to describe in detail what you might have thought when you initially read the topic.
For wilderness therapy, you assumed behaviorally out-of-control and substance abusing kids who need to be sent to a boot camp-type program to get “back in line.” That might have been the typical client profile client back in the 1980’s and 1990’s, but in 2020 that profile is more of the minority. Curious about the history of wilderness therapy? Courtesy of Dr. Will White, you can read all about it. Right now, most wilderness programs are serving adolescents and young adults who are internalizing their issues. There are a lot programs across the US and abroad, and each is vastly different than the next. From the Therapists and clinical approach, to the client profiles, average length of stays, cost, and programming format. Let me repeat, not all wilderness therapy programs are the same. A theme between most of these programs is that they are enrolling people who are anxious, isolated, depressed, struggling to launch into adulthood, and self-medicating. In this case, nothing can be more therapeutic than wilderness therapy.
For therapeutic gap year programming, you assumed a full -12-month expedition that spanned over several countries and cost an arm and a leg. You believe most of these people never matriculated to college, and are still out roaming the world, continuing to fuel their wanderlust. As a lover of international travel, anyone who participates in a gap experience if filled with a drive and curiosity to engage with and support different cultures; domestically and internationally. According to the Gap Year Association (GYA) annual reporting, a majority end up going to college within a year following their gap year experience. From that same report you will also learn that those who participate in a gap year not only go to college, they end up graduating faster than their high school peers who enrolled in college immediately succeeding high school. The most exciting of all is the growing list of college and university deferral policies, as schools continue to see the benefit of those who participate in gap year programs before enrolling on campus.
Supporting Your Young Adult Through a Therapeutic Gap Year
With the growing discussion around high school Seniors and current college students exploring gap year options instead of enrolling or re-enrolling in college for Fall 2020, it’s important for everyone to understand that there may be valuable opportunities that may technically represent outliers when you go to Google for “gap year” programs. In fact, I’d even recommend hiring a professional to help find that exact therapeutic gap year opportunity you’re looking for, rather than leaning on Google. You would not rely on Google to help you buy a house, so why would you do that for a similar investment in your young adult’s future?
What is important to highlight outside of hiring a professional is some of the similarities and takeaways from participating in a wilderness therapy program. Young adults will walk away with more self-confidence, stronger communication and interpersonal skills, self-awareness and reflection, increased maturity, increased motivation (for job, school, etc.), and having been a part of and engaged with a small community of peers. If you look at the GYA data on what student identify having gained from participating in Gap Year programs, you will read this as nearly identical. The only difference is that wilderness therapy included clinical programming. That is means individual therapy and group therapy in an outdoor setting. Most parents don’t realize their young adult needs clinical support, but sometimes it’s the opportunity to slow down, open up, and work through a mindset of perfectionism that allows these young people to turn around and be successful post-graduation.
When you go to the GYA website you will find very few “wilderness therapy” programs that are members of the organization. In fact, you may only find one. Most wilderness programs could benefit from young adults participating as a non-traditional gap year opportunity. View it as a proactive adventure, rather than a reactive resource when things fall apart.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
College or Gap Year? How COVID-19 is Reshaping the Fall 2020 Semester
What if college does not start this fall? What does online college for freshmen look like? Is this going to be an academic gap semester? What are the options for young people to have college classes AND get out of their homes and utilize this moment?
It’s a strong possibility that college will not be “on-campus” in Fall 2020. In fact, there’s even discussion of some colleges skipping Fall 2020 altogether. Some will still host virtual classes for continuing students, but most appropriately fear it won’t be a “real” college experience for the incoming class of 2020. Some parents support their high school seniors in talking about deferring going to college, while other parents mention “they are enrolling regardless because, in the long run, that’s one year lost of post-graduate income.” No matter the parental approach to how to support your student during this uncertain time, there is no right answer. The only plan that could stall an emerging adult is if they stay at home and do nothing.
If your child decides to “go to college” in August, it is going to look very different. Classes will be virtual, student support services will be virtual, and college athletics will be streamed live on television from empty stadiums. This is not forever, but this is definitely what 2020-2021 will look like... Taking college classes from the comfort of their high school bedroom. After a year of lost experiences and a lack of closure on the high school chapter, to say the adjustment will be rocky for incoming college students is an understatement. As the world looks to each college and university president to make an executive decision that protects the well-being of thousands of young adults, the young adults themselves are giving pause to an otherwise predetermined plan.
For those reconsidering enrolling in college for the fall, there are ample opportunities where you can still learn, grow, and launch. There has been a surge in students contemplating taking a gap year. Of course, inaccurate stereotypes surround taking a gap year, and yet exploring “alternative-to-college” options for Fall 2020 will most likely be the saving grace, even more transformational than the iconic shift from home to college campus, to help our young adults regain forward momentum into adult life. Even programs outside of the Gap Year Association are pivoting to help support the demand in gap year opportunities. Wilderness therapy and adventure-based therapy programs are also adjusting to provide support for this population, adrift. The trauma of COVID-19, the grief and loss of canceled high school experiences, and a growing anxiety that a second wave may spike are all reasons why a therapeutic program could be an appropriate gap-year alternative to college enrollment in the fall. I don’t have to tell you that though, just ask your young adult.
image courtesy of Wisdom Ranch
Although the expression “college isn’t going anywhere” is actually a moot point now, realistically options for higher education will be available in the future. What will make or break your child from launching into adulthood is how you reframe the change in their plan. Some of these gap year (or wilderness therapy program) options even provide college credit. Or some gap year programs are shifting to provide domestic or virtual opportunities for young people to participate within the safety of their childhood home. There is nothing wrong with working, volunteering, interning, or taking care of yourself, rather than jumping to enroll in a collegiate experience that one will regret immediately.
If your child is reconsidering college given most colleges plan to be virtual this fall, then help them consider a new plan! One possibility is to hire a Gap Year Consultant or Therapeutic Consultant, who may help develop all the options that are available, especially those “diamonds in the rough” that are not official members of the Gap Year Association. There are more options available if we look outside the traditional box of options.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.