The Difference between Helping and Enabling
As a parent if you do not know what the difference is, let us go ahead and learn. It is okay to not know immediately what the difference is. If you are of the mindset that they are synonymous though, we do need to debunk that notion. They are very different. One is coming from a place of kindness, the other is driven by impatience or a need to avoid discomfort. According to Dictionary.com:
Helping is giving aid, assistance, support, or the like. It is important to note that to help someone, you are offering something that they may not be able to do themselves.
Enabling is the act of making something possible or easy. It is important to note this is the act of doing something for someone that they could do for themselves.
Often, I work with parents who strongly believe what they are doing for their young adult is merely helping. They are doing tasks for their young adult that their child could absolutely do for themselves. Some examples of enabling could be:
Helping them finish assignments (in high school or college)
Waking them up every morning, not matter how old they are
Emailing their Professors to advocate for an extension and/or challenge a grade
Driving them to all appointments; ones that you also helped to schedule
Doing their laundry, feeding them, reminding them to shower, etc.
Trying to find friends for them to hang out with; this also includes trying to find someone for them to date
Asking around for who the best car repair shop is in town when their vehicle needs fixing
Job searching and contacting potential employers on their behalf
Paying for their cell phone bill, car insurance, college tuition, car payments, haircuts, entrance to Greek Life parties, fully outfitting a college residence hall, all-expenses paid spring break in Cabo, etc.
These are just to name a few. Maybe parents think that showing love for their adult children looks like helping to solve their problems for them. That only cuts off their feet under them. We wonder why they are depressed; well it could be because they are dependent on their parents to do everything. According to Allison Bottke from Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children,
“Enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.” (p. 29)
This is not healthy for anyone. Not that you understand the difference between helping and enabling, it is important to shift to letting your adult child take care of things on their own. You could be afraid that he will not get out of bed if you do not wake him up. Let that happen in his own home. He will learn to get up for himself, otherwise he will lose his job, be unable to pay rent, and end up homeless. That is a motivator to wake up on your own in the morning. If he does end up homeless, you cannot swoop in to save him. He will need to learn this lesson of self-reliance on his own.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
