Autism and Addiction
A person with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis struggling with Addiction is the hardest population to treat. And with this population growing, there is a higher need for support now, more than ever. Professionals working with this population cannot make a recommendation solely to a program that supports clients with ASD, and you cannot solely focus on the addiction. It’s a conundrum, and a gap in the treatment industry.
You cannot make a recommendation to just any addiction recovery program. Although they might tell you that they can support someone with an ASD diagnosis, you learn that the program has an aggressive 12-step model and does a lot of groups. For someone with social anxiety, rigidity in thinking, or who struggles with nonverbal cues, placing them in a group could be harmful. Their anxiety can play out looking like anger outbursts, leaving the room during groups, or breaking rules, which can be viewed as non-compliance from a program perspective. For a program that says they can work with someone with an ASD diagnosis will learn very quickly that this profile of a person can be disruptive to the overall community and thus, will ask the client to leave.
You cannot make a recommendation to a program that works with adults with ASD, specifically focused on their launching into adulthood. Although they might say during an admission call that they could work with this client, once the client arrives and is substance-seeking, the program will quickly discharge the client to a higher level of care. Their structure was not tight enough, and although they could work with the client’s potential rigidity, the program either does not understand addiction or is not willing to work with this client profile. With this, we are back to square one.
This conundrum exists at the residential-level of care, as well as extended-care levels. Families are left scrambling to find treatment that will work after failed attempts with treatment programs; programs that said “absolutely we can help your adult child!” on the front end without truly understanding the depth of their neurodiversity, or addiction. Don’t be fooled by an approachable Admissions representative. For this particular client profile, you will most definitely need to work with a professional to help filter through programs and supports that can truly help your young adult. It’s not easy, and it definitely won’t be cheap. If you want your young adult to get the help they truly need, it’s important to have a professional by your side.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Skipping Steps in Treatment
When someone goes straight from a residential level of care to an outpatient level of care, often that patient falls flat on their face. To go from the highest level of supervision and structure to the lowest level of supervision and structure provides too much opportunity for someone just coming out of treatment to backslide. Another word for backslide is relapse.
Far too often families will contact me for a second, third, or seventh attempt at treatment. After gathering all the information from their previous treatment attempts, I learn about the short residential stays and immediate recommendations (or lack thereof) to step-down to sober living. In looking more closely, a lot of the treatment programs they participated in were focused on the addition and treated the mental health like it was an afterthought. Unfortunately, this is all-to-common even for programs that identify themselves as “dual-diagnosis.” Families need a Therapeutic Placement Consultant more than they ever realized!
To ensure that, this time in hiring a Consultant that it really “sticks,” we make sure that we don’t skip steps through the continuum. Residential to extended care, and extended care to sober living. No matter how stellar your young adult is coming across as changed in treatment, they need to go through each of these steps. Period. With extended care being the often skipped step, it is also the most critical in ensure lasting change!
If your adult child is currently in a residential treatment program and they are pushing for sober living, you can blow the whistle. Going straight to sober living is a set-up for failure. This is not an exercise in sobriety, but it is a lifestyle change that we often refer to as “recovery.” If finances are a concern, it is more important than even to make sure you are not skipping steps during the first stint in treatment.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Whatever you do, Don't hit Delete!
Whatever you do, do not hit delete. This message is brought you to courtesy of all those who wish they had been given this advice! This topic is specifically regarding texting or social media and is approved by your future attorney. As a parent, if you have not talked with your college kid yet about this, the time to talk to them about it is now.
We all know that when something ends up in the cloud, it can forever be accessed. Hitting delete does nothing. If you do not delete though, it provides you with all the information you may need in a future case. Evidence to prove you were innocent, or evidence to be used against a plaintiff. A college student may not think about the long-term consequence of hitting delete, and in the moment just want that person or those texts to disappear. Tell your kid, “don’t delete!”
This can be extremely valuable information in regard to a Title IX allegation on campus. No one thinks about or wants to go through a Title IX allegation and yet it is happening on college campuses across the nation, daily. Do not delete social media connections. Do not delete any screenshots. Do not delete any texts. Tell your kid to go ahead and block someone temporarily so that they aren’t harassed, however they need to save all the tech exchanges that exist. It could be the difference in being innocent and proven guilty, on or off-campus.
This also relates to revenge porn. Not sure what that is, read more about it here. Whether you kid is the one posting, or they are the target of someone sharing explicit content without the consent of your kid. All you want to do is protect your kid! Pull them from college immediately if it means life or death for your adult child. And during this process, make sure that they do not hit delete, as much as they want to erase that person, or those people, from their memory in order to move on.
In talking about this with your college student, they will most likely think you are nuts for discussing this. But for any parent who is navigating any allegation with their adult child, they wished they’d thought about this sooner. Do yourself and your kid a favor and considering talking about the importance of not hitting delete.
If you find yourself dealing with on-campus allegations, it’s important to lawyer up. You need to find an Attorney who knows how to successfully navigate the higher education judicial systems. Additionally, think about the mental health of your young adult. Most likely they are experiencing a civil death. It’s important to get them removed from the college campus and into a safe environment for them to begin to heal. Hire a professional to help you and your college student navigate this process.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
When to Return to College after Treatment
Often parents are quick to talk timeline - getting their adult child back into college. If they took a break from college to seek treatment, the pressure of returning to school to ensure they do not fall behind their peers can feel crushing. College is not going anywhere, and it will certainly be there when the young adult is healthy enough to return. But how do you know when it is time? That is a great question we want to explore.
To make sure it is clearly stated, treatment is not a quick fix. Whether we are talking about mental health, substance abuse, or both, it is important to mention that it takes awhile to for the mind and body to heal. Although the young adult or parents may be beyond eager to get them back onto campus, doing it prematurely invites failure. If the young adult is driving the return to college, the parent needs to listen to the mental health professionals in the recommended timeline. By holding the boundary of telling them they cannot go back to college, it forces the young adult to slow down. This allows them to build the strength and resilience needed to be successful when returning to campus.
Stability in recovery takes time. The stabilization period can be between three to six months. From the addiction treatment lens, that will encompass three months in a residential level of care, and three subsequent months starting off in extended care. From a mental health recovery lens, that encompasses three months in a residential level of care, and then three subsequent months starting off in a step-down or transitional level of mental health care. Notice that neither of these options mention a drop-off in care or returning immediately to campus with outpatient services. Why? Because they do not work. It is like going straight from learning to swim with floaties in the shallow end to immediately diving off the deep-end unsupervised. It is too much, too soon.
Another way to identify if your loved one is ready to return to college is if they are too ill to volunteer or have a job. During their extended care or transitional care placement, if they are still struggling to participate in that capacity there is no way they would be able to successfully complete college coursework. With the start of each passing semester and the ability to watch their peers having the time of their life on social media, it will pull hard on the heartstrings to get the young person back on campus. Post addiction treatment, returning to the same campus with the same friends still around opens the door to relapse. Looking at transferring and finding a collegiate recovery program could be the difference between sobriety and recovery.
Lastly, for chronic mental health, it can’t be said enough that taking time away from college takes precedence over achieving the college diploma before the age of 21. If your loved one is diagnosed Bipolar and just experienced their first manic episode, the next twelve months will be filled with a ton of ups and downs. Between stabilization, medication, therapy, and learning to live with a lifelong diagnosis, this is not an ideal time to be in college. Show support for your adult child by letting them know that college will be there when they are healthy enough to show up.
No timeline will be the same for a young adult. Regardless, it’s safe to say that a minimum of six months is necessary between leaving college and getting treatment and then returning to campus. The ideal separation includes a full twelve months through a continuum of care. If you push the college timeline, you jeopardize the health of your adult child. Adding to their mental health by factoring in acute stress related to school failure will only stretch out the recovery process. Think about the mental health over timeline for college diploma.
To navigate this process of knowing where to look for stabilization, or where to enroll for extended care, hire a professional. This is not a journey you want to navigate alone, and you will want someone in your corner to ensure you understand the “why” behind the clinical recommendations and timeline.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Treatment in Metaphors
When talking about the pace of treatment in real-time versus the pace of treatment that a young adult and their parents want, there is a gap between reality and expectations. When those expectations are driven by finances, ulterior agendas, or the need to be “back on track,” we lose sight of the importance of going to treatment in the first place: lasting change. To help families align their expectations with the pace of that lasting change, it helps to describe this process in metaphors.
One example is learning to swim. When reflecting on how a person truly learns to swim, it was not by pushing them off a diving board into the deep end to see if they sink or swim. What is most common is a young person dipping their toes into the shallow end with their floaties on, under the supervision of a lifeguard. Once they get comfortable in the shallow end, then they can start to test themselves, going into deeper water. Additionally, they are now taking swimming lessons, so they know the strokes to swim without the safety net of the floaties. This part takes time. Everyone is different in how quickly they learn and how quickly they feel comfortable trusting themselves. At the end of this continuum will be the art of diving off the diving board into the deep end without supervision knowing they will survive.
To compare this to treatment, the floaties and shallow end is when they are in a residential level of care. Once they are starting to get comfortable and learning to take swim lessons, this is when they are in extended care. By the time they are diving off the diving board into the deep-end unsupervised, this is when they have been in sober living or independent living for long enough to be graduating to complete independence from the treatment umbrella. How does this usually look in terms of the treatment world? Realistically from Residential to Extended Care to Sober Living, we are looking at least 12 months.
For those reading that love to bake, another metaphor for treatment will be in baking bread. If you are familiar with making break from scratch, it is not a completely easy process. Additionally, if you don’t let the bread rise before putting it in the oven, or if you take it out of the oven before it is completely baked, you have a loaf of bread that is practically inedible. To get the bread one wants, someone would have to start from scratch all over again. From the treatment lens, there are two negative aspects to this. First, you lose a lot of money when you pull a loved one out prematurely. Additionally, they will most-likely not have enough time to rewire their brain and heal, to which it will sadly be only a matter of time before they relapse.
The last metaphor comes in with a medical lens. Residential treatment is seen as entering an Emergency Room. It is meant to be a short-term, highly supervised and monitored stay. From there, someone is quickly patched up and given recommendations for how to heal. Following through with those recommendations is equivalent to doing physical therapy for months. You don’t go straight from surgery to running. The patient needs to relearn to use their body; they must retrain and strengthen their body. If you have had surgery before, you totally get this. Physical therapy is extended care. After months of physical therapy, then the patient can start to live their life practically pain-free. They will still have occasional follow-up appointments, but for the most part they are paying attention to their body as they independently continue to get healthier.
If you or your adult child ended treatment prematurely and you are looking for assistance in finding those swim lessons, or physical therapy (aka the extended care level of support), hire a professional to help you navigate where to go! If you are exploring the first steps in getting your adult child into treatment, be ready to tackle this year-long (or more) journey through healing. The more you anticipate this being a long-game, the more likely you are to support your loved one living a life of recovery.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Revenge Porn
Revenge porn is a real thing, and if you are a parent, you need to know about this. You also will want to talk with your adult child about this, as it could get them in trouble. In the 21st century, sexting is a common way for young people to communicate. Sending scandalous or nude photos or videos is not unusual, especially within a relationship. But what happens when that relationship ends abruptly? Insert: revenge porn.
For a developing brain standpoint, impulsivity reigns true after a painful breakup. Whether it was someone’s first true love, or the person they lost their virginity with, the infatuation of that relationship can be intoxicating. More importantly, the desperation of reconciliation after a broken heart can include doing things a young person will quickly regret.
Is Revenge Porn Legal?
If their partner cheated on them, revenge could help ease the broken heart if only temporarily. To make oneself feel better, there have been far too many revenge porn posts to showcase how unworthy their now-ex is. And depending on when and how this is blasted, a young adult could be looking at some serious legal consequences. If your child did this impulsively and you do not yet have an attorney, you will want to immediately remedy that. Especially if this was done on a college campus, it is prudent that your young adult not say a word. What they posted online cannot be deleted and yet, if they wait to speak until they have legal representation, there is a chance that the legal hammer will not come down quite so hard.
To ensure the reader understands the definition of revenge porn, let me clarify. This is the sharing of explicit content without the consent of the owner. This could be sent via text within a group chat or it could be posted on social media for the world to see. Due to the highly sensitive nature of this as well as the frequency of these cases, nearly all 50 states in the US now have their own revenge porn laws. Not familiar with what the law is in your state or the state where your college student resides? It is time to educate yourself.
It gets worse if your adult child is 18 and was dating someone under the age of 18. If that under-18-year-old was the one who originally sent the explicit material, and your legal adult shares it without their consent, that is child pornography. It does not matter if it was consensual within that state for their relationship to happen, as they are now not an item. That’s quite the legal consequence to naturally deal with after sending out revenge porn as a way to feel better about the breakup.
If this is your adult child right now, you need a hire a professional to help them learn to be less impulsive and to understand healthier relationships. This is not something you will want to sit back and wait for them to grow up about. If anything, it will be several more years before their brain fully develops and at that point, they might have done even more impulsive things!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
On Campus, the Truth Shall Not Set You Free
The last thing parents may think to talk with their young adult about before they go to college is “what happens if” they get in trouble. Parents do not think to discuss the distinction of speaking with on-campus police versus off-campus police, or the Student Conduct Office, for that matter. Parents also may not think to discuss what common infractions college students can get. If this is something you overlooked before they enrolled in classes, it is not too late to talk now!
First and foremost, it is imperative to mention that this is not something that parents can make disappear. Families can hire an attorney or pay exorbitant fees, but it may still be on their adult child’s record. To guide your child to not incriminate themselves, encourage them to always be cautious on a college campus. Additionally, if they are speaking with police or representatives from the Student Conduct, tell them they need to have a lawyer present. This request could be the difference between months, if not years, of a painful Conduct process.
I have heard of situations where students have been cornered into admitting a crime on-campus to make it “go away.” Those types of situations include taking advantage of an impulsive, developing mind by not alerting parents to avoid scrutiny, embarrassment, or shame. Although college students are adults legally, it is abhorrent for a Student Conduct Officer to get a young adult to agree to a lifetime on the sex-offender registry in exchange for a case to immediately go away and not have their parents involved. Without understanding the depth of that consequence, that is a life sentence.
The truth shall not set a college student free!
The discussion you need to have with your adult child includes the following:
Parents clued into what is going, immediately.
Students do need legal representation.
To be frank, the college is looking out for its reputation. If making an example out of your child helps their reputation, they will do it. Even if they are a third-generation legacy student and your family has donated millions.
Higher Education tends to operate in its own siloed environment, which includes its own law & order. What happens on-campus though can forever haunt a young person off-campus. Whether it’s a Minor in Possession (MIP), Indecent Exposure (i.e. peeing in public), Driving Under the Influence (DUI), Hazing, Title IX allegation, or Academic Dishonesty, it’s imperative that you talk about this with your child before any of these situations arise. It’s better to be prepared and not have to deal with any of this, than to learn that your adult child incriminated themselves and there is nothing you can do as a parent to save them from the legal consequences they will now face.
If your adult child has already landed in this predicament, know that there are resources available to help you, and help them. You can find a shark of an attorney who will help your adult child fight their college’s legal system. You can hire a professional to get your adult child connected to confidential mental health resources as they are most-likely now struggling with anxiety, depression, suicide ideation, and acute stress related to relationships, sex, or college in general. And lastly, if they are wanting to transfer, there are professionals available to help one navigate a transfer application process understanding how the Admissions essay can be the difference between a fresh start, and a continued life sentence.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
College is just what you do
Depending on where you grow up, college after high school is just an unintentionally discussed assumption. There is no conversation about what else one could possibly do with their life. High School is designed to set one up for success when they get to college, not if. Between the options for advanced coursework, testing support, and extra-curriculars being discussed as early as the summer after 8th grade, it’s apparent that we are programmed to go to college.
My childhood in Virginia was no different. There was never a doubt that I would be college bound. I came from a family of college-educated parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. and so it was just assumed I’d follow suit. Now, because I loved soccer so much, I was naive in thinking I might be able to play in college. Of course, I did get [one] scholarship, but it was not the right school for me, so I opted to enroll elsewhere, dashing my collegiate soccer-playing dreams. In the hindsight, I would have done poorly with the intensity of a collegiate athlete’s schedule. Everything was meant to be the way it played out!
A product of a community who cares about where you go to school, I couldn’t help but relate this experience to a scene from Wedding Crashers. If you have seen this movie, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
With extreme pride the character emphatically says
“Crabcakes and football; that’s what Maryland does. Yeah!”
If I were to remake it it’d be something like this:
“College and football; that’s what America does. Yea!”
Considering how COVID-19 has impacted the college experience, I am hopeful that more and more young people shatter the expectations of everyone having to go to college to be successful. More now than ever it is important for our young people to have a job and be able to survive independently of their parents. Additionally, as the collegiate experience is so isolating right now with COVID-19 regulations and protocols, for anyone who craves socialization, doing anything other than college will fill that cup!
Know that there are plenty of other options aside from going straight to college. In fact, college will be there when/if a young person decides they want or need a degree. Overwhelmed by where to start in finding an alternative to college? There are plenty of professionals available to help.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Picking Fruit Prematurely
Now that your young adult has been in treatment for more than thirty days, it can be deceiving to think that they are fixed and ready to come home. They are a lot of things disturbing about that sentence. First, if someone is going to treatment, returning home especially after a short residential stay is a very, very bad idea. That could be a stand-alone article topic! Secondly, treatment is not a quick fix. It is a marathon. We need to be thinking about long-term change because it takes a while to rewire the brain.
So I liken this exact scenario to picking fruit.
Having stepped away from the fruit for a bit (i.e. being removed while they are in residential) allows the fruit to ripen a little. It is easy to look at the fruit and from the outside believe it is ripe and ready to be picked. You can compare this to someone discharging prematurely or being taken out of treatment prematurely. For fruit, we lose the nutrients. It’s bitter or hard, and we feel duped. How could that be? It looked so perfect from the outside. How do we compare this to effective change in our young adults? Well, because they have been able to be sober for four weeks (because they’re in a program!) they must be ready to be out in the world again, totally tempted by drugs and alcohol and without the long-term skills to be able to seek out alternative coping skills when they struggle. That was most-likely why they were using in the first place.
If you pluck the fruit too early, they have not had the chance to form new neuropathways. They will return, most likely rather quickly, to old patterns and behaviors. You will be pissed when your young adult relapses and in truth, you may need to look in the mirror and figure out why you were so insistent on picking that fruit so early. Was it for personal gain? Did you just assume they were already better? Was it because treatment is expensive? Whatever the reason, everyone needs to understand that treatment is a process, not a single event. Residential treatment needs to ideally be 90 days. From there, they need more than just sober living. Seek out a professional who can help you navigate this for your loved one so that they do have time to heal, and so that you, as a parent, don’t get stuck picking the fruit prematurely.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Another name for Therapeutic Consultant
I have been called a lot of things in my life, but it was not until I started working as a Therapeutic Placement Consultant that I got some of the best nicknames. Maybe they are not nicknaming, per say, but they are ways in which families that have worked with me have referred to me. In the end, I am flattered by each of them, and will always work to help the families that I am serving as a therapeutic consultant.
The first name I was called was a Swiss Army Knife. Basically, an all-in-one tool to help the person in need. Sometimes they include nail clippers, scissors, a knife, a metal file, to name just a few. In referring to me as a Swiss Army Knife, that family was explaining to me that they view me as their all-in-one tool to help them navigate the treatment world for their young adult.
Another family had an ah-ha moment in telling me they viewed me as their golf caddy in the mental health treatment space. No, we were not assessing treatment options on a golf course. What they were saying was I could guide the family into selecting the “right” golf club needed in that moment to ensure they were getting the ball closer to the hole. Advising them on drive, distance, and environmental factors that would impact their performance. Having grown up in a family of golfers, I could not help but chuckle at this description. Do I tell other families that they can view me as a gold caddy? This is not my go-to, but for some it might just be the ticket to allow them to fully grasp what it is I can do for them.
My favorite is probably being called a Raft Guide. Having grown up in Virginia and spent a lot of time on whitewater during my young adult years, this one makes a lot of sense to me. Most of the families I work with may not be as familiar with whitewater navigation, or just high-intensity adventure like rafting. We are the ones teaching everyone on the boat how to safely paddle. We line the boat up to successfully navigate through the rapid, while coaching assertively what the people with paddles are supposed to be doing. We know the risks ahead, and yet we also want to make the ride as smooth as possible, ultimately having our guests leave with a smile on their face at the end of the day. It’s not easy to do, and certainly some people are harder to coach than others. Sometimes the boat is going to flip and that is something that may intentionally need to happen to get those on the boat to truly listen to direction. This comparison will always bring the largest grin to my face!
In the end, I see myself as a chameleon to being whatever and however it is that a family can make sense of who I am and the work I can do for them. If someone in the future wants to refer to me as a Flight Attendant, I just ask that they explain it to me. If someone in the future wants to refer to me as a General Contractor, I just ask that they explain it to me. And if someone in the future wants to refer to me as Track Coach, I just ask that they explain it to me. I will be whatever a family needs to be, when they need me to be it.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Earning a 1.0 GPA
If you have listened to any of the Success is Subjective Podcast interviews, you may have noticed that several of the guests mentioned earning less than 2.0 GPA their first semester in college. Notice how I am using the word “earned.” It takes effort to earn this GPA. Lots of effort in doing everything other than academics.
When I worked in higher education, it was common to have more than 1,000 students on academic probation after their first semester. Out of an incoming class of 5,000 students, we are talking about 20% of the first-year students earned less than a 2.0 GPA. That means that most of their classes were Ds and Fs. When you also compare that to the first-year retention rates where it is common to see a college or university tout a 83% first-year retention rate, we can’t help but wonder if a majority of those not returning were the same students who failed their courses in the fall. Colleges have this data. They are constantly trying to compute why a student does not do well academically and trying with everything in their power to provide the supports necessary for that student to become academically successful and ultimately retain. Retention = money.
Going back to this notion of putting in effort to fail. It is not meant to be a slide at anyone. Truthfully, I know students did not intend to throw away thousands of dollars by earning a GPA that will make it very hard for them for their remainder in higher education. It is fair to assume that there were probably one of two things happening. First, they were focused on the social and relational side of the college experience (i.e. partying too much) and academics fell to the wayside. Or the second theory is that they had some serious personal struggles that impacted their academic performance. That could encompass personal mental health, sudden death in the family, a disaster related to executive functioning, an existential crisis, or something else significant that falls within this arena. The common denominator in all these scenarios is that never did we say that the young adult was not academically capable to step-up and accept the collegiate-level academic rigors. That was decided in the Admissions process, long before they stepped foot on campus. They were always academically capable; it was just all the other stuff in their life that impacted their academic performance.
So, when you walk away from the fall semester having earned less than a 2.0, a student needs to know that they have to make some significant changes for the next semester to be any different. Additionally, they must understand that they are going to have to work even harder in spring because they may not have totally absorbed the foundational information needed to be able to take advanced coursework. And from a graduate admissions perspective, they are going to have to hustle to make themselves a viable candidate in their application pool. Guarantee they will have to explain either in person or through an essay regarding what happened during that fall semester when they earned a 1.0.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Pandemic U
If you or your college student thought that going to college would somehow still be “normal,” I feel bad. I imagine your kid is extremely lonely and complaining about online courses. I imagine you as a parent are seeking out support from other parents whose college students are not having the traditional college experience you hoped they would get to have. That, or you are feeling duped by the university. Your child was set to have a roommate, at least one of their classes were online, and maybe at the time there was still college athletics on the books. Now that they are moved in, their roommate decided to defer or just not enroll. As for their classes, maybe they had some in-person initially, but less than a month in the university is making changes and has shifted to have all courses online. And the icing on the cake is that sports (or any social gathering for that matter) just are not happening.
So how do you help your young adult?
That is a great question. I would start by answering with a question: “what is your kid doing to figure it out for themselves?” As a parent of a college student this is where you can start to really step back and allow them to figure out their own life. If they are struggling, just listen. Allow them to take the initiative to making online classes more engaging. Allow them to problem-solve how they will feel less lonely in their residence hall. And allow them to navigate how to get connected socially in a very strict physically distanced world.
As someone who saw the writing on the wall for “Pandemic U” in Fall 2020, I’m sorry that no one alerted you or your child in how Fall 2020 was going to look different than a typical college experience. Now that you are disappointed and feeling helpless in supporting your young adult, all I can recommend is to let them work it out until the end of the semester. If it was not fun, stimulating, or a worthwhile financial investment, then do something else come spring. College will be there when this pandemic is over. If your kid wants to enroll then, then great! If they decide they don’t want to go back to college at all, then that it also great! The world needs people who are healthy, creative, and resilient. Let your child figure out where they stand while they are studying at Pandemic U.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Treatment is a fit for the Adult Child, not for the Parent
As a family, when you are looking for treatment programs for your young adult there can be a lot of pressure and stress surrounding the decision. The one most important thing I cannot stress enough is that the program is meant to be a good fit for your adult child, not you as a parent. Let me clarify what I am talking about.
It is important to highlight the “why” behind me sharing this as well. Often, I get parents that have high expectations for the program they are choosing for their child. When they are writing the check, I do understand this perspective, however that is just not how this works. Parents often expect a certain type of communication, and with a certain frequency. They expect that programs will be able to help speed along the change process when that is not possible. They expect that family therapy go a certain direction. They expect to see progress almost immediately, even when knowing the history of their child’s struggles. Is this the situation for every family no? However, is it for a lot of families? I think so.
I often find myself normalizing timeline for progress, encouraging parents to advocate to receive more communication, or to talk them off the ledge from removing their young adult from treatment less than four weeks after arrival. This typically happens when the young adult is telling the parents they are not learning anything, they’re bored, and the parents are wasting their money. That would certainly get me fired up if I were a parent too!
This quote is important to reflect on:
“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”
When your adult child is in treatment, your job as a parent is to step away and not focus on their treatment. Since your kid is doing their work, it’s time that you do yours. If you aren’t seeing your own individual therapist, this would be a good time to seek one out. If your marriage is on the rocks because of the stress from your young adult, seek out a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. If you haven’t been on vacation in years, now is the time to get away! Are you noticing a theme? The focus is on you, not your kid! With them being in treatment for their clinical needs, you need to keep in mind that they are in good hands. Especially if you worked with a Therapeutic Consultant to get them to where they are, you will be able to trust that the program is ethical and safe. With that knowledge, you can finally step away from being the caretaker or being constantly concerned on how your adult child is doing. Let the professionals handle it!
In a nutshell, it is okay to not jive with the treatment program that your adult child is at. If they are there, doing their work, and feel it’s a good fit – that’s all that matters! It’s a win-win if the treatment program ends up being a good fit for the kid and their family, but that’s not always the case.
If you are struggling with the treatment program that your adult child is at and you want support, seek guidance.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Getting Buy-in from your Kid to go to Treatment
First, this is not an easy task. Some young adults are more aware of their situation and can at least articulate the need to attend treatment, but for the most part no one is excited to go. It’s an even harder task when the parents believe I am the one to get their young adult to buy-in, and they struggle with holding boundaries. Let us cut straight to the chase on this topic.
No, asking me to speak with your young adult beforehand will not help with their willingness to attend treatment. This is a generalization, but 9 out of 10 times it does not work, and it’s truly wishful thinking on the parent’s part. Parents need to understand that in hiring me, they are my customer. My job is to provide a service for them (i.e. helping them get their young adult to launch, etc.). The young adult is viewed as the “client,” and the client does not always have to be in communication with me on the front end. Sure, I am younger and have been working with young adults for a while, but that does not mean I am the young adult whisper.
Where my expertise truly shines is in helping parents to understand and see how they are perpetuating their young adult’s current situation, and then how to stop it. What to say, how to say it, when to say it, and then doing the research to present placement options for when their child would rather go to treatment than continue to live at home. Some parents refer to it as tough love. I refer to it as assertive parenting and stern boundary holding.
If your young adult is over the age of 18 and you are still paying for them, this is something that is open to negotiation. Especially when their mental health is at stake, or they are struggling with addiction. Parents are eligible to make decisions on what they are willing or not willing to pay for. If the young adult wants more, they need to learn to financially provide for themselves. When they realize that the “bank of mom and dad” will no longer be paying for their rent, car insurance, car payments, etc. they will realize how harsh the real world is very quickly. They will also learn to appreciate what their parents provided them with rather quickly.
Parents, it may feel uncomfortable to hold the line with your over-18-year-old, but the reality is that if you do not do it now, they will never learn to live on their own. Their health will continue to suffer, and they will have no reason to go to treatment because they will continue to have a roof over their head, and food to eat.
As much as I wish I were the young adult whisperer, I’m not there yet. When I figure out how to hook a young adult in to wanting to eagerly go to treatment after our first phone call, I will be certain to share that wisdom and knowledge with everyone.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Top 7 Things Parents Wished They'd Done Before Their Kid Went To College
This is one of those situations where you think “coulda-shoulda-woulda.” If you are in a parent facebook group associated with your college, you could take a poll of parents of second year students to know what to do. The results will yield that you could go either way. Ultimately, it’s a problem of what does my kid absolutely need, what am I willing to provide, and then seeing the outcome. If you do ask parents what they wish they had done differently, here are the top 7 responses!
Not had a car the first semester (or year). If you provide a vehicle, it allows a young adult a getaway. If they are not making friends at college, well, I can drive home to home for the weekend all-the-while telling my parents that I am loving school! Not having a car is a humbling experience. Unless they earned the money to buy it themselves, and are paying for insurance, they can go at least one semester, if not two, without a vehicle.
Know where the local hospital is, how to pronounce it, and have your young adult sign releases before they leave. This is more for your sanity, as a parent. Often parents do not think to ask their young adult to sign releases before they leave for college. If you overlook this step, you could end up with a child in the hospital and no way of speaking with medical professionals, understanding how insurance is being applied, and anything around what happened! No matter how much you plead with the hospital staff, they will not communicate with you without signed forms. Aside from proactive medical care releases, there are 6 forms you really want signed before your kid heads off to college!
For your kid, know where the urgent care/ER is, and make sure your young adult knows it is always better to call 911 than have a friend die. There is nothing worse than hearing the story of the young person who was “sleeping off” their heavy alcohol use. Encourage your child to not take a passive stance on medical emergencies. It is better to have a friend be cleared at the hospital rather than wake up in the morning to find out that they did not make it.
Check in on them often in October and February as these are peak times for homesickness. Sending notes, a surprise one-day visit, or care packages around this time are for the win! Especially in October, that’s when students realize the depth of the hole, they have dug themselves into academically (if they did). At this point, shit gets real. Although, the seasons are changing, classes are getting harder, the honeymoon of the college transition has worn off, and quite honestly, they are just missing home. When the reality of what college really means (i.e. volunteering to continue higher learning for another four plus years), students can slip into a depressive state. Make sure you check in! And if they respond with “I’m fine,” know that we are in real trouble!
Before they head off to college, attempt to teach your kids how to fill out paperwork. This includes at the doctor, dentist, etc. They need to have their Social Security number memorized, as well as their home address, your emergency contact information, and they need to be aware of any known allergies. These are things adults need to know about themselves. If you have always been the one to answer those questions on your kid’s behalf, now is the time to teach them what they need to know to be healthy, and independent.
Let your kid dictate the frequency and content of communication. This may be incredibly hard, and yet it’s just as important for you as a parent to start to separate from your kid. When you text or call always end with how you love them and you are proud of them. You will want to be careful to putting pressure on them by being “proud” especially if the lines of communication are not open. You do not know how anxious or depressed they may really be. They could be failing all their classes and afraid to tell you out of fear of disappointment. Do not hesitate to talk about how they are feeling or coping, as they aren’t alone, and neither are you as a parent.
As a parent, if you do not already do this, learn how to just listen. When your college kid calls and tell you they’re struggling (academically, with mental health, etc.), you want to make sure you are hearing them out. Do not rush to solution-mode, as that will discredit your grown kid from telling you the plan they created to get out of the funk. If you fix the problem for them, they do not get the chance to self-soothe. When they are living away from home, they need to know how to self soothe. The best advice in this category is to pick up the book The Campus Cure to read it! If you can, read it before they go off to school! If you are seeing this now, pick it up and read it quickly this weekend! You need to know when to act and when to take inaction!
Again, there is no right way to do this. The transition is tough for the kid, just as much as it is for the parent. Keep these tips in mind as you continue to watch your young adult become independent right in front of your own eyes.
And if the college thing is not working out for your kid, don’t force a square peg in a round hole. Let them figure out what to do instead. If they are struggling with mental health issues and need professional support, know there are people available to assist you.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Transition is a process, not an event
If your adult child is getting ready to leave a residential treatment program, you hopefully have a transitional living and/or extended care placement lined up for them. If you don’t, that’s hopefully a very intentional, and calculated risk you’ve worked through. Regardless, if you have a program lined up, it’s imperative that both you and your young adult have your expectations in alignment with the reality of what’s to about to happen. To be clear, it’s not an immediate, and swift change. The transition is a process. You must trust the process.
Here’s where the change lies:
While your adult child has been in a residential program for the last 30-90 days, they have been in a highly structured program with a lot of clinical and addiction support, with little to no independence. From when they have groups, to when they can make phones to families, nearly every hour of every day is scheduled out. To go from this high-level of supervision to a transitional program, is a step-down.
Transitional programming is the mid-level of supervision, structure, and programming that your adult child needs. But let me be very clear, with this also includes more independence. It provides space to breath. Space to find a job, start taking classes, and integrate in the community. This level of care does not guarantee sobriety, but it does certainly distinguish the difference between sobriety and recovery. This level of care does not guarantee boredom-free living. And it does that intentionally. We can’t live in a residential-level of care forever. At some point you do need to apply what one has learned: recovery, clinical skills, post-secondary aspirations, and the need to individuate from a family system. This level of care is where I see most parents getting hung up and find themselves immediately disappointed, frustrated, or quick to rescue their adult child from a program
Guess what? This transition was a test to you too. How do you handle your young adult expressing their own frustrations. Are you quick to rescue and question the programming, or are you reflecting back to your adult child and letting them figure it out on their own? Do you find yourself second-guessing the extended care program recommendations because your adult child keeps telling you they “aren’t like anyone else there” and “already know all the things they’re teaching me.” This is a great opportunity for you as well to individuate from your adult child. Let them spread their wings and get on with their life, separate from you. You are no longer responsible for them. Take time to take advantage of this phase for yourself too. Understand that transitional living in a marathon, not a sprint. Often times parents are quick to view residential as a high-paced sprint and expect transitional to have the same pace, and immediate visible results. I hate to break it to you, but that’s just not the case. Lastly change takes time.
Now we also want your adult child to get through the full continuum of care where they can graduate to Alumni programming. This is the least amount of support, with the most independence. Ultimately they are living on their own, keeping their own schedule, and choosing to opt into alumni events and meetings because they see the value in the community support. But how will they ever get to this level of care if a parent is quick to pull their young adult out of transitional living? Think about it. Let go of your expectations, and be open and trusting of program staff to be able to support your adult child (and you) to start this new chapter in your lives?
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Imposter Syndrome
Every single person has felt like an imposter at least one point in their life. It is when we flood ourselves with the negative emotions and self-talk that tell us and make us feel unworthy. That voice that says you are not good enough, you are not supposed to get that job, you’re not supposed to make that team, you’re not supposed to have that dating partner. You do not think you measure up. But your perception of the situation is starkly different than the reality of the situation.
If only we had the superpower of being able to listen to other people’s thoughts. We would be hearing a lot of the same message from so many different people. That is how we judge ourselves and others. In doing that, we certainly do not feel better about the situation or ourselves. One of my all-time favorite quotes says
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Additionally, comparison is the foundation for Imposter Syndrome. According to the very reputable source that is Wikipedia,
Imposter syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, imposterism, fraud syndrome or the imposter experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments or talents and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".
A lot of college students experience this, no matter their age or where they came from. Degree paths such as medicine or law will often note their students identify as fearful that they aren’t worthy of being in that program, or that career path. No matter the situation, we all feel this seed of doubt at some point in our lives. It’s whether or not we choose to water it and let it grow that will determine our psychological strength in being confident, or subsequently withdrawing. Chalking it up to truly believing the internal message that you weren’t supposed to be there all along.
No matter the situation, your mindset, or belief – remember that you are not alone in your thinking. In fact, you are most likely surrounded by others struggles with the same inner dialogue. Be strong! You are exactly where you are supposed to be because you earned it!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Treatment is not meant to be Fun
Truthfully, treatment can be fun. This is can be true at both the residential and extended care levels. If the programs you are enrolling in offer a lot of experiential or adventure-based therapeutic activities, it can be tons of fun! But now that I have your attention, what I really want to talk about is how treatment is not supposed to be comfortable. At least not all the time.
If your adult child writes you a letter or calls you to tell you they are uncomfortable being there, listen very carefully. Do not jump to pull them out of the program. A loved one disliking a program because they are challenging them clinically is not a reason to remove them from treatment. They are in treatment because they need to change. Change takes time, and often change is very uncomfortable.
When you call a program and they are quick to talk to you about their high-caliber mattresses, duvet covers, and 24/7 pool access, I would question whether or not you are looking at a treatment program or an all-inclusive resort. To me, that sounds like a vacation, not treatment. That is not to say that a place that does have high-quality linens did that with intention because their clinical programming makes their clients emotionally exhausted. With emotional exhaustion, it is not to be able to melt into a comfortable mattress at the end of a grueling therapeutic day. That is an okay level of comfort.
If when you call and you hear about all the fun adventure activities that your adult child will participate in, but they don’t talk about the clinical sophistication and homework that your child will also be experiencing, I would question whether I was talking to a treatment program or a summer camp. The goal will certainly be for your adult child to smile by the time they leave treatment, not because they got to do a bunch of cool stuff, but rather because they have a sense of pride in their accomplishments. It is all about perspective!
Treatment does not have to be painful, and it does not have to be plush. Find something in the middle that allows for fun and comfort and will absolutely serve the purpose of being the environment your adult child needs to be heal and grow. Most importantly, if you are feeling like Goldilocks and you can’t seem to find that right fit for a program for you adult child, hire a Therapeutic Consultant.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Letting your Adult Child Come Home after Treatment
For the young adults I work with, I read about this request all the time. It is a bargaining chip with their parents. They ask in their letters or during a phone call to “just come home” in between residential and extended care. Each client in their reasoning is different. Some will say they miss the family pet and just want to give them a hug. Some will say that they want to go through their clothes by themselves to pack. Some will say that they earned it by completing residential, to relax a little before heading off to doing more treatment. As much as this pulls on the heartstrings of all the parents I work with, when they turn to me and ask if it’s a good idea my answer is consistently the same, no matter the client: “absolutely not.” This is me encouraging the parent to hold a boundary.
You may be wondering why I stand so firmly in that decision. To me, it’s simple. To the parents, it’s not-so-simple. If your adult child was living at home and resistant to treatment at any point in the process, you are allowing them potentially to derail the entire process. Allowing them to return home, albeit briefly, is enabling. They might refuse to go to extended care once they get home. They may relapse within the first day, because they stumbled upon their hidden stash in their bedroom. Or worse, there was a lot of family conflict before they went off to treatment, and there’s still a lot of family work that needs to get done. If you allow them to come home to just hang out, you are inviting a serious blow-up. A blow-up that’s so big that you, as a parent, really question whether or not they made any progress in treatment in the first place, and if you just threw away thousands of dollars.
Regardless of their request and no matter how much you want to believe that your adult child will behave perfectly when they come home for an intentional layover, it will not go well. Not for you, and not for anyone else trying to do this. If your adult child is leaving treatment and it is clinically recommended that they go to extended care, you need to support them in going straight from residential to extended care. Whatever their reasoning for wanting to come home, you eliminate that need. What if they want all their clothes? Send it all in the mail. What if they want to see your family dog? Tell them you can FaceTime when they arrive to their program.
Parents do not set yourself up! Your adult child has no clout to beg, bargain, or negotiate. That are in treatment for a reason. Remember that. You are not beholden to them, nor do you owe them anything for completing their residential level of care. If anything, it would behoove your adult child to be grateful for the sacrifices you are making in allowing them to get help. A part of that sacrifice will be to lovingly tell them, “I hear you, and I’m not going to support that request. You are going straight from residential to extended care.”
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Not going to college is okay. Not having a plan is not Okay.
College is not for everyone. Success looks differently for everyone, and the end goal is not a college diploma but rather the ability to survive and thrive independently of parents. So, if your child is not interested in college, do not fret. Still have your adult child sit down to create a plan and timeline for what they will be doing instead of college.
As a parent, the milestone of high school graduation can be exciting beyond measure! Finally, your child is launching into adulthood and your job as raising them for the last 18 years is coming to a close. If after graduation there is no plan though, then we are setting everyone up for friction and failure. Validate your child not going to college. That’s totally okay! Ask them what their plan is instead. If they don’t have a plan, help them create one immediately.
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Why is creating a plan time sensitive? Well, now that they are no longer in high school there is a lot of free time for them to just hang out. It could be with friends, or it could be without friends. It could be playing video games, sleeping, eating, and/or binge watching Netflix. Certainly you may give them a little wiggle room and allow them to unwind for one week after high school graduation, however if there is no plan in place for them to get a job, save money, and move out, you are going to soon be stuck dealing with a 18+ year-old toddler.
If you want a basement dweller, then disregard all the advice listed above. If you don’t take this seriously, you will blink and have a 30-year-old still living in your home. Sound terrifying? I hope so!
Help your loved one launch by creating a plan today. Do not waste another moment in establishing the roles, rules, and the options. And if they get frustrated or freak out every time you try to talk to them about what their plans are, when there is no plan created, it’s time to hire a professional to come in and help you hold the boundaries and get your child out of the house.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.