Not Upholding Boundaries with your Adult Child
If you are not sure how to set boundaries to begin with, that would be a good place to start. You must understand how to set boundaries and understand why boundaries are necessary before jumping into learning the “what not to do.” Creating a plan is one thing but sticking to it is an entirely different animal.
When encouraged to create in writing a business contract-like document covering all the things that you will hold your adult child to, it does not come natural for parents. It feels punitive. It feels authoritarian. It feels unnatural. And, as a parent unless you want your adult child living with you for the rest of your life, you will need to lean into that discomfort for yourself and start to hold these boundaries. When a parent starts to falter, their young adult will be there to slip through the cracks of these boundaries.
Here are some examples of what faulting from a set boundary looks like:
Give them leniency when they don’t pay rent and/or are late for rent
Do their grocery shopping, cook for them, and clean up after meals for them
Do their laundry for them
Clean their room for them, including bed sheets, trash, and any food trash
Allow them to continue to live in your home if they are demanding, rude, ungrateful, and verbally/physically aggressive
Give them an allowance; especially if you know they are using it to purchase drugs or alcohol
Find them a place to live
Cosign a lease or mortgage
Help them pack
Set up and decorate their new living situation
Help them find, apply, and interview for jobs
Make excuses for them and defend them when they are misbehaving, or not launching
Negotiate, bargain, or argue – about anything
What you definitely do not want to do: Allow them to return to your home at any time if things don’t work out
Once you slide on one boundary, your adult child will stop taking you seriously. You have created rules for them to follow without any consequence if they aren’t followed.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
