Top 10 Things a Parent Does that is Enabling
Often times parents believe they are helping their adult child. The truth is, they are more likely enabling them without realizing it. If you aren’t sure the difference between helping and enabling, you will definitely want to educate yourself. Once you are aware of the difference, you may have a very different opinion of the examples below. Here’s just a few that I often hear with the families I work with:
Giving your adult child an allowance.
Paid for education more than one time, which is particularly important if they are not successful academically every attempt.
Completed homework or a project for your young adult because you knew it was due, they weren’t going to finish it before the deadline, and you wanted to ensure they completed it.
You pay for cell phone bill, car insurance, car payments, health insurance, rent, utilities, etc.
You wake up or call to wake up your child because you know if you didn’t they wouldn’t get out of bed and would lose their job.
You’ve had it with your kid and threatened to kick them out, but then never followed through with it.
You have bailed them out of jail, paid for legal fees, more than once?
You accept full accountability for your child’s addictions, struggles, or failures.
You avoid confronting your child about their issues because you are afraid of how they will respond.
Your marriage is strained because of how you both are approaching dealing with your dysfunctional adult child.
In reading this list, if you find that you are doing several of these things for your adult child, it may be time to re-evaluate. When did this start? How long has this been going on? What was a catalyst for providing this support? Has it impacted you negatively ever? Has your young adult expressed gratitude for whatever it is you are doing for them? Do you wish you could break the cycle? If yes, there is help available to you.
Although it may be a shock to your adult child for you to stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing, the reality is they are capable of doing it themselves. Let us use the allowance as an example. Are you giving them spending money because they do not have any? Why do they not have money? Is it because they do not have a job? Or are they telling you they aren’t making enough to pay bills and asking you to give them money to help cover them? If yes, are you paying the bills directly or just giving them cash to use at their discretion? There’s a lot of room for enabling within this scenario.
If you find that you do several of the above for your adult child, the time to stop may be now. If you need help, hire a Therapeutic Consultant to help you. By reaching out they can help you in learning to hold boundaries and no longer enable your young adult, and also be available to help find therapeutic resources when it becomes evident that your young adult is not handling the adjustment well.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
