Treatment is a fit for the Adult Child, not for the Parent
As a family, when you are looking for treatment programs for your young adult there can be a lot of pressure and stress surrounding the decision. The one most important thing I cannot stress enough is that the program is meant to be a good fit for your adult child, not you as a parent. Let me clarify what I am talking about.
It is important to highlight the “why” behind me sharing this as well. Often, I get parents that have high expectations for the program they are choosing for their child. When they are writing the check, I do understand this perspective, however that is just not how this works. Parents often expect a certain type of communication, and with a certain frequency. They expect that programs will be able to help speed along the change process when that is not possible. They expect that family therapy go a certain direction. They expect to see progress almost immediately, even when knowing the history of their child’s struggles. Is this the situation for every family no? However, is it for a lot of families? I think so.
I often find myself normalizing timeline for progress, encouraging parents to advocate to receive more communication, or to talk them off the ledge from removing their young adult from treatment less than four weeks after arrival. This typically happens when the young adult is telling the parents they are not learning anything, they’re bored, and the parents are wasting their money. That would certainly get me fired up if I were a parent too!
This quote is important to reflect on:
“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”
When your adult child is in treatment, your job as a parent is to step away and not focus on their treatment. Since your kid is doing their work, it’s time that you do yours. If you aren’t seeing your own individual therapist, this would be a good time to seek one out. If your marriage is on the rocks because of the stress from your young adult, seek out a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. If you haven’t been on vacation in years, now is the time to get away! Are you noticing a theme? The focus is on you, not your kid! With them being in treatment for their clinical needs, you need to keep in mind that they are in good hands. Especially if you worked with a Therapeutic Consultant to get them to where they are, you will be able to trust that the program is ethical and safe. With that knowledge, you can finally step away from being the caretaker or being constantly concerned on how your adult child is doing. Let the professionals handle it!
In a nutshell, it is okay to not jive with the treatment program that your adult child is at. If they are there, doing their work, and feel it’s a good fit – that’s all that matters! It’s a win-win if the treatment program ends up being a good fit for the kid and their family, but that’s not always the case.
If you are struggling with the treatment program that your adult child is at and you want support, seek guidance.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
