When the Honeymoon of the college transition wears off
The excitement around college life is nearly orgasmic for some students. Then, the reality of what it means to be a college student sinks in. Four more year (or more) of self-guided studying? For a student who never loved school to begin with, this realization can be truly unnerving. Everyone idolizes the college due to the social scene, the ability to live away from home, and the idea of launching into adulthood. Once you realize you can technically do without subjecting yourself to four more years of academics, life might be a little easier on you.
I get a kick of Urban Dictionary’s definition of the honeymoon period:
“… The three-month maximum period between a person's entry into a new situation and a person's complete screwing up of said situation or essential elements of it. This phenomenon is backed by massive amounts of studies in social psychology and even more massive amounts of personal testimony from bitter, angry people…” This is so very accurate for college students, though I’d go so far as to say nowadays the honeymoon period may last one a week or two. Which is where students can find themselves rather quickly: either still oblivious to the reality setting in, or already begging their parents to come pick them up.
If your college student is already passed their honeymoon period and they are texting you about coming home, there are some things you need to know. First, if you rescue them right now, a) you’ll already lose tuition money you can’t get back, and more importantly, b) your young adult will never learn to be resilience. They will never learn to live through discomfort and realize that they are capable on their own. If you drive up to campus and help them pack their dorm room just as quickly as you had unpacked, you are teaching them that no matter what obstacle they encounter in their (now) adult life, you will always run at the drop of a hat to help make life easier for them. In fact, I’d go so far as to say you might even bring them back home. You tell them “you stay here, living in your own bedroom, and I’ll help you find a job.” What really happens though is that you, as the parent, pay for everything. They never do their laundry. They still yell at you, and before you know it years pass by and you’re resentful of your young adult. You just thought they’d always want to leave at some point. I kindly reflect that back to you though – “why in the f*** would they ever want to leave? They literally have everything taken care for them now. They might as well still be back in the womb. They won’t leave until you set boundaries and/or hire an interventionist.”
Ok, fast-forwarded rant over. I really want your college student to be successful. I really want you, as a parent, to be successful too. I want you to feel like you did your job in raising them for 18 years and now all of the sudden, they truly are able to swim in the deep end without a lifeguard watching and without floaties. You follow my drift? The honeymoon period can be short. It’s important to know the difference between being temporarily homesick and struggling with significant mental health issues. You are the one who knows your child best. The truth is you need to listen to your young adult say they miss you. You need to validate it and tell them you miss them too (assuming you do). What you can’t do in reading that text is respond with “if you want to come home, I’ll come get you.” It’s time for both young adult and parent to spread those wings.
If you decide to rescue your young adult and immediately regret it, call a Therapeutic Consultant. We can help you and your young adult get relaunched in a short amount of time with an appropriate school and support system that can help them through another honeymoon period. Or, if you painfully push through the honeymoon period and it’s evident what your young adult has is far more intense than homesickness, also call a Therapeutic Consultant. We can help with assessment, connection, and relaunch into academic and/or career success.
Lesson: the honeymoon period can be short. Know how to respond to your young adult but not rescuing. And regardless of what happens, consider hiring a Therapeutic Consultant to help with entire family system through this significant transition.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
