5 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make When Their Kid Struggles at College
As a parent, the last thing you want is for your young adult to go off to college. In fact, if they have been high-achieving academically and athletically, when your young adult comes to you expressing their discomfort, most parents don’t actually know how to handle responding. What I’ve found in working with the families I’ve encountered though, is that there are things that are helpful to say and things said, that although are good intentioned, actually do more harm. Let’s talk about the five biggest mistakes parents make when their kid struggles in college.
Shame.
If you are paying for your young adult’s education, it’s hard not to see this as an investment thrown away. Even if your young adult is on scholarship, shaming them for “throwing away their scholarship” isn’t helpful either. There’s a very important distinction that needs to be made here. You can certainly be upset with your young adult about what they did, but what you need to be mindful of is making it sound as if you are shaming them for who they are as a person. I call it “Who vs. Do.” Your young adult is a lovely person. When they are struggling in school it’s important to remember, it’s not WHO they are, but rather WHAT they’re doing that may need changing. The words you use can sting, can bite, and can also provide immense relief. You can be pissed off all you want, just make you sure you’re not taking jabs at their character. If you are, that’s technically emotional abuse.
Denial and disregard.
I struggle with these parents, only because it really it home hard for me. After my first semester in college my father looked at my grades and said “get it together, or you’re on your own.” Fortunately, I was just having too much fun with outdoor adventures instead of caring for my coursework. I made a conscious choice after my first semester and double down when I returned for the spring. I understood the privilege and I appreciated what I was being given the opportunity to do. So I found balance so I could play hard and study hard. It worked out for me in the end. For the students struggling with mental health, substance abuse, and/or executive functioning this type of approach is not supportive. Telling them to metaphorically “pick themselves up by their bootstraps” and they “better lock it down next semester,” will not help them change or get the support they need. In fact, most of these students are so deep in denial with their issues that going back to school for another semester where we know statistically they will experience failure again can be torture. Torture because they are beating themselves up mental and physically, and having another failure to tote around is just something another trauma they’ll have to work through down the line. This type of parent doesn’t realize the depth of their young adult’s issue. This is a parent that may not believe in mental health and voice their opinion around stigma. This is a parent that may be in there own addiction and not realize that their young adult is on the fast track to being a functioning addict as well. We have to stop and think about whether or not it’s really a good idea to “finish the semester” or “return for the spring.” This is a lot of money that’s being wasted. Not to mention it means that it’s that much longer before your young adult really starts getting the treatment they need.
Outdated advice.
Think about your young adult in high school and how they interacted with their friends. Think of all the incidents – good and bad, that came from social media and cell phones in their lives. As a parent, you’ve got to be over the moon that your young adult is headed off to college! Your own college experience and the memories involved may be flooding back. Certainly, reflect on your college experience. Be wary though explaining or offering any advice about how to make friends or what college is life. No offense, a lot has changed since you were in college. Namely – technology. Making friends is a lot harder for our young people because they aren’t socialized to make friends the way college was
designed for people to meet. College used to be friends with your roommate, or introducing yourself to people on your floor or in your resident building. There might have been only one central location for dining on campus, now we often have food options scattered throughout. Students who used to be athletes in high school tend to stop playing for fear of “not knowing anyone” and/or not knowing how to join a team. For Pete’s sake – people walk around campus only looking down at their phones. It’s a completely different world on campus nowadays. Help your young adult brainstorm ways they can _____ [insert issue they’re having] and role play with them. Just try to leave out the stories of your college experience. Let your young adult figure it out on their own.Rescue.
Students in this age are genuinely struggling to be connect and find a friend group. They are internalizing all the pressures they put on themselves, possibly the pressures you have put on them, and what society has said. It’s a tough spot to be in. We, as humans however, are meant for resiliency. That means that when we are faced with challenging, painful, and uncomfortable situations we adapt and learn. We move on, and heal. College is a perfect place for young adults to experience failure (whether it be with friends, relationships, college courses, etc.) and learn from it. College is failure inoculation. If a parent gets a text message from their young adult 5 weeks into the semester saying “I have no friends. I’m lonely. I miss you. I want to come,” please don’t immediately drop everything and run to their rescue. Do not immediately Google “how to withdraw from _____ University.” If you save them from these moments of discomfort, you are robbing them from the growing pains of adulthood. Let them know you can come visit, however they need to try to stick it out. I’ll throw in the caveat that if there was a significant incident then immediate removal can be appropriate. A situation such as sexual assault or a psychotic episode warrant a message that says “you don’t have to wait to come home until the end of the semester.” For everyone else who just hates the fact that they tried once to meet people and it was a bust and now they want to give up, that’s a hard no in coming home.
No Accountability.
Let’s be clear about this. When a young adult goes off to college it’s important for the parent to ensure that the young adult understands accountability. As an adult, they are accountable for everything in their life – down the way in which they perceive what is happening around them. That means that by yelling at people for the things others “did to them” they realize they will not get anywhere in their academic career. When the young adult blames their failed grades on early classes, poor teaching, inconvenient office hours, not understanding and accents, a professor who never responded to e-mails, etc. it’s paramount that the parent discuss with their child what’s in their control. Who earned the grades? Their student did. Yes, the graded were given by the professors, however it was based on a scale. Your student could have selected a class at a different time, advocated to learn the material on their own outside of the class knowing that the style of the teacher wasn’t what worked for them as a learner, etc. Are you seeing where I’m going with this? College is not high school. Under no circumstance is it beneficial for a parent to step in to contact a professor on behalf of their young adult. First, FERPA. Second, it’s their education. They need to take responsibility. This is something they need to not only understand, but exhibit. So when your young adult starts point their finger to blame anyone and everything for the bad things in their life, remind that there are also three fingers subsequently pointed back at them. Help your young adult take ownership.
All of these responses are normal. You’re a parent. It’s hard not to want to help your young adult be happy, healthy, and successful. If you are doubting whether or not your reactions are doing more harm than good, I recommend speaking with someone. Find a parent support group, individual therapist, or parent coach. Do it alone and do it with your spouse. It’s important to be a united front in supporting your young adult as well. If you see that you’re doing one of these tactics now, definitely reconsider what you’re doing. Think of other ways to support your young adult in becoming an adult!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Brace yourself: What parents can expect after your young adult enrolls into a treatment program
Even if your young adult admitted they needed or wanted help before enrolling, that will change. It will change because once they’re in it, they realize that in order to get better you have to face your issues head-on and do work. This is way easier said than done. There is discomfort in change. How that discomfort shows up though will pull on your heart strings.
When we say, “brace yourself,” we mean it. The shift in involved is not an uncommon occurrence. In fact, it’s so common we can practically assume it will happen. You can anticipate that your young adult will make at least one attempt to manipulate you into taking them out of the program, and as fast as possible. Pulling your kid from the program is a surefire way of making sure they never get better. And you, as their parent, also communicate that they also are uncomfortable and don’t want their young adult to get better. Seems like you did a lot of work to get them there only to unravel what’s been done in a matter of seconds. Don’t fall for this trap!
Depending on your kid, it can show up in different ways. Here are some very common examples:
They can threaten you. An example being: “if you don’t come get me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
They can list their regrets. They are trying to draw you in to hear them being remorseful. Certainly, they are sorry because they did make poor choices that got them there. Talking about it now doesn’t undo what’s been done though. Don’t let their surface apology trick you!
They share they’re magically better. Having been in treatment for a matter of days they acknowledge they’re already healed. All better! They are ready to come back home and do things right this time. They don’t actually need to be in that program, what were they thinking? What may crush you is if your young adult has been depressed for awhile and all of a sudden appears happy in wanting to come home, this will crush you. This is what you want – them to be happy and back with you. They’re an adult now. They need to not be living at home. And yes, we want them to be happy but returning home to live with you forces them to be dependent, which translates to low self-esteem. Don’t be fooled by their premature declaration of their well-being.
They can make promises. An example being “I promise I won’t steal your car again.” Or “I promise I won’t sneak out and drink anymore.” Promises at this point in treatment are all talk, no action. As the parent, all you want is to hear what they’re telling you. Unfortunately, you know better though. These are empty because they haven’t learned anything yet in order to change their ways. This is their rational brain trying to create a list of what you want to hear, so they can get themselves out of treatment.
They may share half-truths. They will say things about their experience that they know will get to you, and may not be 100% accurate. If you have always been concerned about their sleep patterns, they tell you they haven’t been sleeping at all. If you are religious when it comes to healthy eating, they’ll tell you they’re eating junk food only and the program lied about the diet. They will tell you they miss the dog. They will tell you the Therapist sucks, or that they are afraid of the other residents. You can be concerned, and before you swoop in make sure you verify their story. This is a chance for you to trust the therapeutic team you’re working with. Check in about what they’re sharing to seek an understanding. Don’t assume what they’re telling you is entirely accurate. Remember, they’re trying to convince you they need to leave!
They will undermine your confidence. Knowing your weaknesses, they will play on them. They will make your question your judgement and may give you pause. Comments such as “I’m not like any of the other participants here. This is not the right place for me.” Or “I can’t believe you would pay for me to be here. This place is a joke.” Even though we all know it’s a tactic in trying to get you to pull them immediately from their program.
How do you stay strong when your young adult tries to talk their way out of leaving? Well, you lean on your team. The program staff and your Consultant have seen this time and again. We have some suggestions we can give you.
Use this as an opportunity to get help for yourself too. If you aren’t sure where to start, consider hiring a Parent Coach. There are several companies out there that are great. Regardless of who you use, make sure you interview several options before deciding who you want to work with. Having choices is good!
Load yourself up with additional resources. Speak with a Parent Coach, find an individual therapist, and find a local parent support group. Read books, especially one like the Parallel Process to better understand what your young adult is going through.
Utilize the program’s parent support group. I can’t emphasize this enough. These will become your life-lines. Chances are there are parents who have gone through that same exact hump. Lean on their collective to hear how it changed for them and their young adult. You are sleepless with worry over not coming to get your young adult, and in speaking with this group you’ll learn that you can feel better by not rescuing them.
Understand and embrace the notion of a Commitment Letter - if that’s something the program does. You are not shaming your young adult because they aren’t already fixed. That’s not how therapy works. This is your way of letting them know you hear them in their discomfort, but you aren’t coming to rescue them. You are gifting them the opportunity to get better and the last thing you’re going to do is pull them out prematurely. They are in great hands clinically-speaking, so you have faith that your young adult will begin to heal. Now sometimes you have to set firm boundaries. What that looks like is mentioning that if your young adult walks out of the program, you still won’t pick them up. They’re on their own – financially, physically, etc. For a young adult who’s better taken care of their entire life, in hearing from a parent that they’re holding a boundary for the first time. Your young adult will stay in the program, and they will respect you more for not rescuing them.
Embrace the expression “Trust the Process.” This will become your new mantra. You need to understand that you are no longer in control. You will succumb to understand what is truly in your control. You had 18+ years to raise your child, and now they are an adult. You don’t have to control them anymore, nor do you need to try. The art of letting go can be truly liberating. Let this time apart in treatment be an opportunity for you as well to breathe.
No matter what they tell you about how wrong the program is for them or how they don’t want to be there, rationally respond by letting them know you love them, and that you support their decision for them to be enrolled in the program they chose. Period.
It’s so much easier said than done. Consultants will frontload to families to expect this. Families will repeat back to Consultants that they know to expect it, yet when the first attempt to get out of treatment pops up, everything the parents knew goes right out of the window. Let us support you when it gets to this moment, because it will happen.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Understanding “Early Alert” in college academics
How parents can help their young adult be more informed and take action if they get contacted during Early Alert.
You may be intrigued to know the inner workings of college academics and their early alert systems to identify students who are at-risk of failing their classes. It’s a monster of a collaborative project, and yet for larger universities this can really make or break student success.
So, what is early alert? What I can tell you it’s not is an act of shaming student’s around their current academic performance. That’s the last thing we’re saying. Early alert is a student retention initiative that bridges Academic Affairs with Student Affairs to assist students in getting connected to appropriate support services to ensure they pass their classes. This early alert typically occurs mid-October, when professors submit current grades at a time in a semester when students are identified as having a D or F. It does not guarantee a student will pass or fail a class, it’s just meant to be a gentle warning bell for the student that the track they’re on, unless changed, does not look academically successful. This is all based on analytics and statistics.
Now, each university does this differently. There are a couple common ways this could look though.
All professors teaching high D/F classes may be required to participate. These are classes typically Math and Science courses. I used to say “anything that ended in -ology (i.e. Biology, Geology, Psychology, etc.)
Or, depending on the university they could be pulling this data just for all freshmen and indicating to them individually what courses they are struggling in. This may only be possible if every single professor participated in this.
Students identified as having one or more D/F at the time are outreached by e-mailed. Most commonly by their Academic Advisor, but it could also be by their Professors or Student Success Coaches on campus.
They may be inviting students to have one-on-one conversations to get connected to resources, or these students could be invited to an event on campus. Either way, we’re reaching out in hopes this communication will catch their attention.
While working at Colorado State University, I used to help plan U-Turn. This event included Advisors as volunteers to meet with students one-on-one, a one-stop-shop for on-campus resources that maybe students hadn’t linked up with (i.e. Disability Services, Tutoring, etc.), and assistance in creating an Action Plan with SMART goals you could take to ensure your academics would improve. These Plans were then uploaded into their student profile within the university system to identify that they not only attended, but any staff on campus could log into the system to read the goals a student created.
What we would tell you is the students who attended the event and followed through with their plan were more likely to be turn their academic experience around. For the students who didn’t respond to the outreach or didn’t follow through the plan they created they were more likely to earn a D or F for the class.
For students who were in multiple classes and identified as having three or more D/Fs through Early Alert additionally received a phone call. As you can imagine, most students didn’t answer the call or return the voicemail. Why? It’s easier to ignore the professionals trying to assertively help me and just keep my head down and study harder than it is to accept the help that’s being offered. A lot of those students ended up in my office the follow semester because they ended up on Academic Probation. Talk about a much harder spot to be!
As a parent, if you have the FERPA waiver signed and can access your young adult’s grades, it’s important to check in with your student to make sure they aren’t currently failing a class. If they have been getting emails about Early Alert, it’s because the track they’re will lead them to being unsuccessful academically. They need to take those emails seriously, or potentially risk failing that class/those classes. As a parent, you can’t make them go or change their academic habits. But being informed about this initiative on campus may help you in helping your young adult be academically successful their first semester.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
First exams in college and their link to suicide
How college students internalize their first failures as a reflection of who they are, rather than what they did.
Insert name of prestigious school, and how proud you are that your young adult is attending said school. Whether it was your alma mater, or a school even more elite than where you graduated. You know your young adult took the ACT five times in order to get the test scores to get into said school. You didn’t push them to do that, and yet you also wrote out the checks. They know the stakes are high because of the admit rate. They are led to believe they’re prepared for the academic rigors. So off they go to college and we can only hope the best for them. That is, until they get their first exam grades.
Anything below a B can be catastrophic. This is a student who has excelled most if not all of their life. They thought they did well leaving the exam, but when they get their grade back and see what they didn’t do well as they thought it can feel like the end of the world. That’s not an exaggeration. They have always been a star student, until this point. Their identity is linked to their academic success. When they get this less-than-ideal grade they tell themselves “I’m a failure. I am not good enough to be at this school. My parents can’t know I am failing. They’ll be so disappointed in me.” This self-talk is what crumbles the very foundation that these students stand on.
They go from being confident, excited, and accomplished to inferior, unmoored, and shattered in a matter of seconds. The pervasive shaming self-talk of “I’m a failure” is what leads college students to suicide ideation. They may have never experienced failure before, especially in the academic realm. When it happens, because it does happen(!), if they can separate the grade as what they earned instead of who they are, they may be able to get over this. But more than not, students struggle to separate who they are from what they’ve done, and what grades they’ve earned.
If you aren’t familiar with shame, I encourage you to do some reading. This is the only way you’ll be able to help your young adult when it’s clear that they are depressed. They may not even tell you they’ve failed assignments, out of embarrassment and shame. They’d rather suffer in silence than hear what you have to say about how they failed an assignment. That’s a dangerous relationship to have as a parent. You want your young adult to be open with communication. You want to be there for them if they need you.
So, as your young adult is muddling through their academic semester pay attention to the questions you ask, your tone, and the shaming words that you may unintentionally be using. If your student just experienced their first failed exam, you want me to make sure they tell you about it. You want to make sure they know you’re still proud of them, no matter what grades they earn. And most importantly, who they are isn’t solely tied to the grades in their classes. They are so much more.
Now, if your young adult is not open to communication and is struggling academically, these messages could actually do more harm than good. Please use with discretion. Our young people are putting pressure on themselves as they believe that there is pressure being placed by everyone else on them as well. We need to rise up as a community to help these young people move away from this destructive perfectionism. It’s not realistic. We need to help them understand what their reality could truly be.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
There is no shame in acknowledging your humanness
This is a statement I recently overheard. The young woman speaking share this while referencing her recent experience in participating in an outdoor behavioral healthcare program. Her words are sting ringing in my ears, more than a week later. She is absolutely right, yet why is it that we still collectively struggle in acknowledging we are human?
Certainly we may say it, or use it as an excuse to explain why we might have recently had a hiccup. Deep down though, we are still sizing up these experiences, or failures, as a reflection of who we are as a human. Being perfect is what we strive for, whether we realize it or not. We’re in a non-stop, forever plugged in world where we are comparing ourselves to others. A society and world where we often don’t put our humanness on display.
To dissect her comment we must first look at the word “shame.” Shame is something we place on ourselves for being less-than. It is a feeling we may have, or a seed being watered on our self-doubt. To “acknowledge our humanness” we are talking about the act of awareness. The reality that we are in fact human; susceptible to weakness. That we can be frail, vulnerable, and frail. There is nothing wrong with this. It may appear frightening at first, however that is the nature of being human. We need to accept this about ourselves.
With her words still resonating, I try to embrace the message. We all need to embrace this message. There is nothing wrong with us for being who we were born as. We were born to be imperfect, and that’s totally okay.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Mental Health is not a bad cold
How families need to prioritize mental health just like they would with a physical health diagnosis.
If you found out that you or your child was diabetic or had cancer, you would drop everything you were doing to educate yourself and immediately get treatment. There would not be a moment’s hesitation of what needed to be done. Certainly, you may ask the doctor what needed to be done to get healthy and you’d immediately dive straight in. You’d change diets, start chemotherapy, etc. But why is it that when someone is diagnosed with something like say, anxiety or depression, it’s brushed off like it’s not as important as a physical health diagnosis? It’s emotional health awareness month. Let’s do something about this.
Let’s break it down: A mental health diagnosis can be just as biological as finding out you have Chron disease or asthma. If the doctor told you had that you wouldn’t continue to eat what you were eating for fear that it would continue to inflame your intestines. Or if you were diagnosed with asthma you wouldn’t say “thanks” to the doctor and laugh your way out of the office without requesting an inhaler. We need to treat a mental health diagnosis just like we would any other diagnosis. Unlike some chronic illnesses, you can get help to live a better life with a mental health diagnosis. It only happens though, if you take the diagnosis and recommended care seriously.
If you just learned that you were diagnosed with multiple-sclerosis, you would be like Selma Blair and immediately undergo an experimental stem-cell treatment. You wouldn’t bat an eye at doing what needed to be done. If you found out you had heart disease you would drop everything. You might quit your stressful job, take up exercising regularly, stop smoking and drinking, and completely flip your diet. You wouldn’t casually shrug off learning you had heart disease. You’d immediately change everything. But why is it in hearing that you have a mood disorder you pretend it’s not true?
Let’s be real folks, a mental health diagnosis isn’t a bad cold. You can’t just hope it’ll go away and ride it out “naturally.” Hoping it goes away is like saying “I’m going to cross my fingers my cancer just disappears” without doing any type of drastic change or undergoing treatment. Hope without action is hopeless. Seriously. We need to rally behind folks who are diagnosed with a mental illness. In this situation, we need to treat the mind and body equally. We need to prioritize mental health. For real this time.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Ring the warning bells!
How parents can alert a college when they are worried about their child.
For the parents who opted not to have their college student sign some releases before they went off to school, that’s okay. It’s not too late. You can coordinate those releases signed remotely. Or coach your loved one through getting forms signed for themselves. Either way, you want to be looped into what’s happening.
If you are worried about your young adult in their college dorm, you may not want to sit back and hope that others are looking out for your loved one. We’re quickly passing the point of homesickness and rounding the corner into facing an actual mental health diagnosis head-on. There is nothing wrong, or unusual about this. If anything, it’s actually way more common nowadays than it used to be there. There’s plenty of supports out there available to young adults, the catch is that they have to be ready to advocate for the help. This is where your hands may be tied.
At this point you’ve been hearing from your young adult multiple times daily. They’re sad, lonely, friendless, miss you, aren’t loving their roommate or their classes, don’t fill like they fit in, or any other comment that would completely crush you as a parent. And if you are an out-of-state parent, the distance alone makes it feel impossible to be able to help at a moment’s notice. That’s what contacting the university is for. Who do you contact? Great question!
Typically, colleges and universities have a Parent & Family Programs office. And typically, that is linked with the Vice President of Student Affairs. That’s typically who parents call first. From there, that office with triage a welfare check on your young adult. It could be their Resident Director, or if could be Campus Police depending on the severity of your concern and disclosure about your young adult. What’s important to note is that it’s way better to reach out and ask someone to check in on your young adult, rather than just cross your fingers and hope they reach out for help themselves.
Depression can be way a much deeper well than we ever thought. Or if they nonchalantly make comments about “it being better if they weren’t around” you need to ask point-blank if they are suicidal. It’s a myth that if you talk about suicide you plant a seed for them to water. That’s false. If they are suicidal, you need to know. Ask them if they have a plan. If they have a detailed plan, you need to call police immediately otherwise risk getting contacted by the university that your young adult died by suicide.
To summarize, if you are worried at all about your young adult please take action. Your hands are not tied being the parent, especially if they didn’t sign any releases before going to college. The school may not have a pulse on the well-being over your young adult at the moment. If you are concerned about their health, you need to let someone know to check on them. Don’t wait. Call now.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
When the Honeymoon of the college transition wears off
The excitement around college life is nearly orgasmic for some students. Then, the reality of what it means to be a college student sinks in. Four more year (or more) of self-guided studying? For a student who never loved school to begin with, this realization can be truly unnerving. Everyone idolizes the college due to the social scene, the ability to live away from home, and the idea of launching into adulthood. Once you realize you can technically do without subjecting yourself to four more years of academics, life might be a little easier on you.
I get a kick of Urban Dictionary’s definition of the honeymoon period:
“… The three-month maximum period between a person's entry into a new situation and a person's complete screwing up of said situation or essential elements of it. This phenomenon is backed by massive amounts of studies in social psychology and even more massive amounts of personal testimony from bitter, angry people…” This is so very accurate for college students, though I’d go so far as to say nowadays the honeymoon period may last one a week or two. Which is where students can find themselves rather quickly: either still oblivious to the reality setting in, or already begging their parents to come pick them up.
If your college student is already passed their honeymoon period and they are texting you about coming home, there are some things you need to know. First, if you rescue them right now, a) you’ll already lose tuition money you can’t get back, and more importantly, b) your young adult will never learn to be resilience. They will never learn to live through discomfort and realize that they are capable on their own. If you drive up to campus and help them pack their dorm room just as quickly as you had unpacked, you are teaching them that no matter what obstacle they encounter in their (now) adult life, you will always run at the drop of a hat to help make life easier for them. In fact, I’d go so far as to say you might even bring them back home. You tell them “you stay here, living in your own bedroom, and I’ll help you find a job.” What really happens though is that you, as the parent, pay for everything. They never do their laundry. They still yell at you, and before you know it years pass by and you’re resentful of your young adult. You just thought they’d always want to leave at some point. I kindly reflect that back to you though – “why in the f*** would they ever want to leave? They literally have everything taken care for them now. They might as well still be back in the womb. They won’t leave until you set boundaries and/or hire an interventionist.”
Ok, fast-forwarded rant over. I really want your college student to be successful. I really want you, as a parent, to be successful too. I want you to feel like you did your job in raising them for 18 years and now all of the sudden, they truly are able to swim in the deep end without a lifeguard watching and without floaties. You follow my drift? The honeymoon period can be short. It’s important to know the difference between being temporarily homesick and struggling with significant mental health issues. You are the one who knows your child best. The truth is you need to listen to your young adult say they miss you. You need to validate it and tell them you miss them too (assuming you do). What you can’t do in reading that text is respond with “if you want to come home, I’ll come get you.” It’s time for both young adult and parent to spread those wings.
If you decide to rescue your young adult and immediately regret it, call a Therapeutic Consultant. We can help you and your young adult get relaunched in a short amount of time with an appropriate school and support system that can help them through another honeymoon period. Or, if you painfully push through the honeymoon period and it’s evident what your young adult has is far more intense than homesickness, also call a Therapeutic Consultant. We can help with assessment, connection, and relaunch into academic and/or career success.
Lesson: the honeymoon period can be short. Know how to respond to your young adult but not rescuing. And regardless of what happens, consider hiring a Therapeutic Consultant to help with entire family system through this significant transition.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
What can happen when your college student gets sick
It happens every single year. About four weeks into the college semester everyone gets sick. You can plan for it because there is usually a dip in weather one day. The first glimpse of the fall, even though we all know the temperatures will spike again to let summer rear it’s head for one last final hurrah. In addition to some bug that just whips through residence halls like it’s a game to see how many people it can tag at once. No matter it’s form, there’s just no escaping it.
Parents find themselves feverishly trying to comprehend the type of sickness their young adult just came down with so they can make recommendations for treatment. Do they go to urgent care? Do they just need some rest and vitamin C? Can they go to Student Health? And if they are an out-of-state student, forget being able to provide the comforts of home to get better. If your young adult was already homesick a couple weeks ago, this only compounds those feelings.
While they are recovering, whether it takes a day or seven days, what ends up most impacted is their academics. Parents often don’t think about this, as they are focused on the physical well-being of their adult child. They advise on chicken noodle soup, or herbal remedies that will get them back up and going in no time. But once a student misses a class or two, you’d be surprised what happens next.
This is also around the time that college students truly comprehend that their college classes are nothing like in high school. They miss a couple classes, maybe a pop quiz, or even due assignments. They might be under the impression they can just turn their paperwork in or take the quiz once they’re better and ask their professor. This isn’t how college works. And with these missed classes or missed assignments brings a student from being sick with a cold to coming down with a case of the “f*** its.”
Yes, I know that may sound off-putting, nor does it truly describe what all students experience, but if your kid is sick and they missed classes and coursework, you’re going to find this out very soon how their immune system and frame of mind allowed this to creep on in and take off too.
You see, while they were sick and wishing you were there to take care of them, they may not have thought to proactively connect with their professors. They didn’t think to reach out to anyone on campus who might be able to advocate for them to be able to turn work in late, or schedule taking an exam later. Of course, they weren’t thinking about this, they were sick for goodness sake! But what happens once they let one class slide, it comes five classes. That's when they're truly embodying a case of the f*** its.
This is the cognitive distorted thinking of an 18-year-old-brain. It’s saying “eh, I have a 62% in a class now, I can bring it up before the end of the semester.” That’s without consulting the syllabus for each class and learning that they’ve already missed the maximum number of classes allowed before losing points on their overall grade for not being present. Or that that 62% could only get as high as a 71% overall, and that’s with them getting a 100% on the only remaining assignment this semester. Not a great foundation being built for their GPA. Their clouded sick brain completely halted any motivation and excitement they had about being a college student. Being sick, learning to take care of yourself, and realizing that you can actually miss class and no one is going to yell at you – that’s what creates this perfect place where students would rather throw in the town then try to dig themselves out of the hole they’re in. And once it starts, it’s a small snowball that rolls down a mountainside, building in size and momentum.
Where you, as a parent can help this snowball is by advocating for your young adult to look back through each syllabus to make sure they can pass their classes still. Don’t do it for them but encourage them to do it. Advocate that they go see a doctor to get cleared for good health, and documentation that says they came in to get treated. Encourage them to find the doctor themselves. Encourage your student to bring that documentation to the Student Case Management office and explain that they may need to get an Incomplete in a course in order to pass. This all must be done by your student though. And quite honestly, after being sick they may just never rally in following through with any of this.
You may be shaking your head in disbelief in thinking that your student could already fail because of this first hiccup early in the semester. In case you forgot the academic rigors found in higher education, you may want to refresh yourself. Some classes will be based on one assignment. There is no extra credit or calling a teacher to help fill in any missing work to bring a grade up. You can encourage them to assess what it was they’ve been doing (i.e. playing too hard with new friends, not sticking to a routine, not getting enough sleep, not exercising, eating junk food, etc.). They will want to change their habits, or they leave themselves susceptible to whatever the next wave of sickness is that’ll sweep through campus. This sickness that created a snowball that is now the size of a boulder, which is careening straight toward them. It’s a case of the f*** its that they’ve already embraced and may continue to unless they make some drastic changes.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Incoming College Students Must Register a Disability ASAP or Before Going Off to College
For a recently enrolled college student, it's important to be proactive in requesting accommodations. While I worked in higher education I can't tell you the shock I experienced when I had not one but multiple students each semester tell me they had an IEP in high school, were on medications before going cold-turkey in college, or didn't see the need to ask for accommodations for their mental health.
Evan worse, they often didn't think it was appropriate to ask for help until close to the end of the academic semester. At that point, the Office of Disability Services:
can't retroactively help the student with what he went through earlier
may request that the student bring in additional paperwork that he can't get within a timely manner, and/or;
can't process the student's request before the end of the semester, thus leaving a student to continue roughing it on through finals
For a student who is finally acknowledging he wished he had gotten help before, this doesn't feel like a promising way to round out the semester.
These kids have still developing brains and, by postponing doing the rational thing, are exhibiting cognitive distorted thinking: they think they can just "get through" college without needing help, although they've had help for their entire academic careers up until college. It's not that we don't want them to beat the odds, it's just an extremely unrealistic expectation.
If you're able to encourage your young adult to be proactive, do it early!
Below are some of the very good reasons for why a student needs to register through the Office of Disability Services on campus:
Timeline: It can sometimes take two months to register your disability on a college campus. In this situation, students need to be proactive in going to the Office of Disability Services on their respective campus and request accommodations. It's not that the university doesn't want to immediately snap their fingers and help you when you finally come in to get yourself set up. Unfortunately, they're usually inundated and need time to be able to process your request.
Required documentation: Just because your young adult had an IEP or 504 plans in high school does not automatically qualify them for accommodations in college. It's not that their need for accommodations after high school all of a sudden disappeared, but rather the college may be wanting additional documentation. Before showing up to the Office of Disability Services, consider exploring their website to read what they require for approved paperwork. Sometimes they may want a more recent than 2nd grade diagnosis for ADHD. Make sense?
Medication: For students arriving on campus who have taken medication for ADHD the majority of their life, they need to at minimum take their medication through their first semester on campus. Stopping medication right before your collegiate career may sound good in theory, but in practice it's grounds for a roller coaster of "naturally" learning to stay on task and be organized. Help your young adult by making sure they keep with their medication through December.
Types of disabilities: If your young adult has a medical condition that recurs across the lifespan, they need to set themselves up for success by requesting accommodations. Examples of medical conditions that are appropriate to request accommodations for are depression, anxiety, bipolar, psychosis, ADHD, etc. When we hear "disability" we still automatically assume physical disabilities only. Remind your student that mental health needs are just as imperative as physical ones when it comes to self-care and accommodations!
If you are thinking you'll be supportive of your young adult in however they choose to tackle college, make sure to voice your opinion about them registering their disability. Although students treat this like it's optional, when it comes to ensuring the likelihood of succeeding in college, registration of a disability is desirable and is required. Help your young adult get the help they need, long before they become desperate for it.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.