Enabling vs. Accommodating

Before I jump into a shame-filled topic for parenting, I want to normalize something first. Every parent today makes accommodations for their children. Yes, I said it. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s when it becomes debilitating for the child or frustrating for the parent., that’s when those accommodations needs to change.

First, let’s talk about enabling. To me an example of enabling is seeing that your child is doing something that in the future will have significant natural consequences and you can’t bear the thought of your child dealing with it. Naturally, you solve a problem for them they didn’t even realize they had.

Here’s a prime example I get often: a parent opens a credit card for their young adult so they can build their own credit. The parents suggest they use it sparingly and need to make off the balance monthly. This is great financial advice! The parents find that the young adult is using it regularly and not making payments at all. After several attempts reminding the young adult of the consequences, the young adult receives a notice from the credit card company in the mail. It says that if the card isn’t paid by a certain date they will be sent to collections. Parents are concerned and yet young adults don’t appear to understand the depth of the consequences, nor are they making an effort to pay off the balance. The deadline for payment comes quickly, and the parents begin to panic. The young adult still makes no effort to pay, and parents finally cave to pay it off so their child doesn’t experience dealing with collections.

Would I have been sweating if this was my child? Probably. Did the young adult learn a lesson? No, other than that parents may swoop in to rescue at the last minute. That’s what I think of when I think of enabling.  I try not to use this in my language with the parents I work with anymore. Why? Because when the word “enabling” pops up I either get a defensive responsive or sheepish response. Parents either don’t want to believe they’re doing it, or they know they are and are embarrassed to admit that they have trouble stopping. I genuinely don’t think it’s helpful to reference this with parents anymore. Instead, we need to talk about how they’re providing support for their child and what they want to pull back from.

Now, what are accommodations then? These are just that, adjustments made in schedule and convenience for a young adult who may be experiencing distress. The parents can’t handle seeing their child is distress, so instead of letting them experience it and learn to manage it on their own, the parents will make accommodations.

Here’s an example of accommodation: The young adult just withdrew from college. They return home and parents give them some time to lick their wounds from a semester that wasn’t meant to be. The young adult can’t handle being around new people, especially in large groups. Parents ask the young adult to apply for jobs and in the meantime, help with some chores. Parents ask the young adult to take out the trash once a week and also help with grocery shopping. Young adult refuses to do either because they are afraid to go outside. They start to panic and beg the parent to go with them. So instead of the young adult completely the task alone like the parent has asked, now the parent has to make the accommodation to join the young adult going outside when they take out the trash, and also driving them to the grocery store and walking through the aisles with them. This codependency can snowball quickly. The young adult needs to be around you all the time and they’re afraid to be alone, yet afraid to meet new people. It puts the parent in a position to constantly be making accommodations for their child.

Accommodations can be targeted and you can build up the efficacy of your child in a short amount of time. These are the changes the parent can make on behalf of supporting their young adult. With adjustments to accommodations, sometimes is will actually allow the young adult to build resiliency and grit independent of ever happening to enroll in a treatment program. What a win! Enabling is something that has to also be targeted. By allowing your child to experience the natural consequences of life, this will allow them to build up the tolerance and skills to be self-sufficient in their independent adult world. Let them learn that you don’t want to touch a hot stove more than once.

If you’re finding yourself emotionally, mentally, financially, and even physically exhausted because of your young adult, let’s hit pause. Assess your situation. Identify what you’re accommodating and/or what you’re enabling. Let’s target those changes that you can make for yourself, which in turn will have a ripple effect for your young adult. Let’s help you, so we can help your child.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.