The Difference between a Suggestion and a Statement
When a parent contacts me, it is often because they have been making suggestions towards their young adult for years. They have been wanting their kid to grow up without support, and naturally leave the nest on their own. Sometimes those suggestions just are not strong enough.
When we are talking about a suggestion, we are merely putting something out there for another person to ponder. This is an idea for them to think through, and potentially act on. It is passive. When you have a young adult living at home that you are wanting to leave the nest, merely suggesting that your young adult move out may not be enough. If you truly want them to move out, you will need to be a little more direct.
Parents often cringe when I talk to them about being direct. I hear things like:
“If you are talking about a ‘tough love’ approach, it’s definitely not something I’m strong enough to do.”
“That makes me feel uncomfortable with the idea of suggesting homelessness.”
“I don’t want her to hate me.”
“We realize we probably could have been more direct sooner, but it’s been years and we just don’t know if he’ll listen to us.”
There is no judgement. My only rebuttal is that if the suggestions have not been working now, they won’t until the young adult decides to move out their own. That could be in six months, six years, or never. As a parent, if you are ready to be an empty-nester, you’re going to have to temporarily switch from suggestions to statements.
A statement is a command. It is not something to ponder, per say. When it comes to a parent stating to their young adult that they are officially no longer providing financial support, this is not up for negotiation. This is a stated fact. Again, it may feel unnatural since you have only been making suggestions. If a parent truly wants their kid to launch though, they are going to have to initiate the change.
Education around the difference between helping and enabling will be key. Once that is mastered, then a parent will move on to understanding what it looks like to hold a boundary for a young adult living at home. Often parents think that because their child is over the age of 18 that they can’t get them into treatment, and this is just not true. If your kid is cashing in on the Bank of Mom & Dad for food, housing, car payments, spending money, etc. then you absolutely have the power of persuasion. No young adult goes into treatment excited, that is nearly true for every single young person. But they will go willingly when their means for survival is tapering off.
Whether you have an 18, 28, or 38-year-old living at home and you are finding your suggestions for launching are not being taken seriously, the time to act is now. Do not waste another day sitting and resenting your child for not launching. Hire a professional to help you in helping your adult child launch.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
