Tough Love
Boomers and Generation X do not like the idea of “tough love.” This generalization feels all-too-real right now. Parents who grew up with strict parents are uncomfortable filling their parent’s shoes. They do not like confrontation with their own children. And now, we have a generation (Millennials and Generation Z) who are still living at home or struggling to be independent. Why? I genuinely believe that it is because there was a lack of tough love through childhood.
No, I am not saying parents need to be authoritarian and punitive. What I am recommending, however, is that becoming friends with your kids should not be a priority until they are grown and out of the house. While they are under your roof, they live under your rules. If you do not have rules, you invite chaos. You can make gentle suggestions for your children to leave, and nowhere will a suggestion be taken seriously until a parent becomes firm and direct. Parents need to establish boundaries and abide by them, as do their kids. Without boundaries, your kids will rule the roost. Again, chaos ensues.
If any parent is reading this, know that it is okay to give tough love. I am not recommending you be like this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And yet, you do need to establish yourself in the parent role. If you are not a parent to your children, which includes regulating them, then what are you? And truly, your children want a parent to tell them what to do, whether they say that or not. They do need law & order within the home. They do want to butt heads with you, as you are allowing them to have a voice. Lean into the discomfort of the tough love approach. If you don’t, it could really impact your children.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Dear Parents: An Expectations Letter about Transitional Programming
Dear Parents:
Congratulations on your young adult making it through a residential level of care! I wanted to share a couple articles that may be a resource to you during [insert your kid’s name] transition to [insert name of extended care/recovery program/sober living].
What to expect after enrolling your young adult in treatment (although this was written more so for the parents enrolling their young adult in a residential level of care, it does still apply for extended care too, especially now that [insert kid’s name] can communicate freely - which can be a good and bad thing).
Treatment is not a Quick Fix (This article speaks to how sometimes growth, transition, work can feel like we aren't making progress, but that's because change truly takes time). Similarly, the idea that "Transition is a Process, not an Event" also applies!
The difference between sobriety and recovery (this is important to talk about since he has attempted "sobriety" before).
The Art of Letting Go: How to be a Parent of Young Adult (You all have done such amazing jobs up until this point! Now that he's at [insert program name], it's important to make sure you're taking care of yourself!)
And most important, Treatment is a fit for the Young Adult, not the Parent (If you aren't getting the communication you want, you can advocate for it. If you don't like the therapist as much as you liked [insert name of wilderness therapist] remember what matters is that it's best for your kid!)
There will be some ups and downs with [insert name of program]. This is how it goes with every program, and every young adult. This is how it typically plays out:
Young adult is on a semi-high from graduating from wilderness/residential and is feeling pretty proud of themselves for this accomplishment
They are excited and slightly scared about their transitional program, even though they picked it
Because wilderness/residential is a fast pace, they anticipate (and parents do too) that young adult transitional programs/recovery programs will have a similar pace (which they don't).
Once the dust settles and they find things they don't love about the program, the young adult and parents can start to have a sour taste in their mouth and then start second-guessing this program being the right fit (often times, I will refer a parent back to all the work they did during wilderness/residential, as that will be key during this time).
You, as a parent, have to be okay with your young adult being uncomfortable at times. That could be because they don't get along swimmingly with their roommate, or they won't be able to sign up for classes for a couple weeks, or the people around them are new to them and they haven't made friends fast enough, etc. This is a great life lesson in reflecting it back on [your kid’s name] to learn to deal with his discomfort and advocate for himself. As long as he knows this is the place he picked and it was his choice and you wouldn't be bringing him home, he'll eventually start chugging along with the programming and really find a place for himself within the community and within the broader [insert city where program is located] area.
The first 5+ weeks tend to be the rockiest. This is usually when the dust settles for the young adult and their choice. If they view it as "being in a program" and struggle stepping out of that perspective, then it will be more painful. If they can look beyond that to seeing being in the program as a launching point to truly get out on their own, it can end up being the best place.
There will be ups and downs throughout the entire length of stay. This is also normal, as it replicates what life is like. There will be great days, and other days will be not-so-great. Now is the opportunity for you to also learn to allow [insert your kid’s name] to shift his relationship with you as being adult-to-adult (or as much as possible like this!), and more of a partner in him growing up, rather than being a parent responsible for their child. Hopefully that makes sense.
Let me know if you have any questions. I will continue to be in touch with [insert name of program] staff while [insert your kid’s name] gets settled. In the near future, I'll reach out to [insert your kid’s name] directly. Any of you can reach out to me at any time!
Be well,
Joanna
Helping your Kid avoid a Title IX Allegation
**Trigger warning: I will be discussing consensual sex and sexual assault. Please read with caution.
This is not something you think you must talk with your child about before they go off to school, and yet you need too. Prior to enrolling, they are required to complete an online sexual harassment and assault training. By completing this, regardless of how engaged they were in watching it, it will be held against them should someone on campus accuse them of sexual harassment or assault. As a parent, this will be your worst nightmare. Living in an era of Title IX Coordinators and colleges and universities doing their own investigations to protect their reputation, you do not want to have to deal with this. And if you did, you’ll wish you’d had this conversation with your child much sooner.
The majority of those accused will be young men. So, if you have a son heading off to college, this is even more important to discuss. Consensual sex is not consensual if there is alcohol involved; this can include anything oral. Period. For young people who are exited to explore new sexual relationships for the first time while in college, being accused of sexual misconduct is not something that is top-of-mind. If one of the partners wakes up and does not remember consenting, the moment they share that information, the university is investigating your child for sexual assault. It’s unrealistic to believe that a college student will be abstinent, and as a parent of a college student, this talk needs to be had.
As a parent, you not only have to talk about consensual sex, you also need to talk about the “what happens if” Campus Police or Student Conduct contacts them for any reason. There is nothing more intimidating that law enforcement or legal authorities on campus. In that moment, your young adult needs to not say a word and ask for their lawyer. Anything they say can be incriminating, regardless of whether they are guilty of anything! Also, make sure they know not to delete anything. That includes texts, contacts, or any social media content or connection. College disciplinary infractions are not fun to mess with, but it is better to be settled within that system than to deal with the consequences in the criminal justice system.
Anticipate that if your child is accused of anything while on a college campus, especially a Title IX allegation, it will come across as a civil death. You will need to rally the troops to ensure your child gets the care that they need. The troops will include an Attorney who understands higher education, a Licensed Mental Health professional who is non-judgmental to someone accused of sexual assault and will keep confidence through the court system, a Therapeutic Placement Consultant who will help you and your child navigate finding a mental health and substance abuse treatment program, and an Educational Consultant prepared to help your child transfer to another school once this case is resolved. It’s a lot, but it’s better to know these people exist rather than wait until you immediately need them.
To summarize, talk to your kid before they go off to college. A decision they make while drunk and horny could truly change the course of their life, and your life, forever.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Bank of Mom & Dad
Right out of the gate I need to make it known - this title could read “Bank of Mom & Mom,” or “Bank of Dad & Dad.” This is not meant to be inclusive to only cisgender, heterosexual parenting units. This is meant to highlight the importance of parents understanding that after their child turns 18, they are not legally responsible to provide for them. What parents give is a gift and is not required. When, as a parenting unit, you are doling out money left and right with no return, or possibility for return, this is when you transition from being a parent to being a bank. There is a lot that parents do that they don’t have to.
To make note, you are paying for all the necessities of your child up until they become a legal adult. That includes food, water, shelter, healthcare, and clothing. Truly, the bare minimum needed for them to survive. Beyond that you may be providing items we view as essential, but we can live without. Items that fall within this category can be a vehicle, car insurance, a cell phone and a cell phone plan, a credit card (“just for emergencies”) and college tuition. They could go to college, or not. But you are most-likely still covering all of their living and partying expenses. This needs to end at some point. At first, you were really helping them launch on their own. At some point though, they realized they didn’t need to work so hard because you would continue to financially provide for them. In which case it transitioned from helping to enabling.
Now if your adult child struggled with mental health or substance abuse, it is important to note that the need to provide extra care will always be there. However, you will realize one day that you are, in fact, enabling and need to stop. If you are giving cash, it be spent at their discretion. You can give them money and say, “this is only to be spent on food,” but unless you are paying the bill directly, there is no guarantee where that money is going. Essentially, you could be funding their drug use. Let that sink in.
Adding up all these expenses and expecting your newly graduated-from-high-school adult child to be able to afford it all is not realistic. You can offer a plan for what you will pay for and how long, and after that point, your adult child is on their own. If you don’t establish that plan, or if you don’t follow through with that plan, it will be hard to ever get your adult child to leave home, or to ever be financially responsible for themselves. You have got to let them know the Bank is officially closed. At that point, you will see some severe emotional reactions that could include shock, rage, disbelief, or desperation. Until you hold that boundary and follow through with truly financially cutting them off, they will continue to milk the tit until the tit is bone dry. Don’t you want to enjoy at least some part of your retirement years?
Now you may be asking, “how the heck do I do this?” To which I would respond, there are a lot of ways this can play out. First, I would recommend hiring a Parent Trainer and Coach. Secondly, you need to hire a professional that will present programmatic options for your young adult so that they can learn to live on their own quickly. Both professionals will be instrumental in helping you gain the confidence in parenting an adult, rather than continue to struggle with having an adult child live in your home.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
The Difference between a Suggestion and a Statement
When a parent contacts me, it is often because they have been making suggestions towards their young adult for years. They have been wanting their kid to grow up without support, and naturally leave the nest on their own. Sometimes those suggestions just are not strong enough.
When we are talking about a suggestion, we are merely putting something out there for another person to ponder. This is an idea for them to think through, and potentially act on. It is passive. When you have a young adult living at home that you are wanting to leave the nest, merely suggesting that your young adult move out may not be enough. If you truly want them to move out, you will need to be a little more direct.
Parents often cringe when I talk to them about being direct. I hear things like:
“If you are talking about a ‘tough love’ approach, it’s definitely not something I’m strong enough to do.”
“That makes me feel uncomfortable with the idea of suggesting homelessness.”
“I don’t want her to hate me.”
“We realize we probably could have been more direct sooner, but it’s been years and we just don’t know if he’ll listen to us.”
There is no judgement. My only rebuttal is that if the suggestions have not been working now, they won’t until the young adult decides to move out their own. That could be in six months, six years, or never. As a parent, if you are ready to be an empty-nester, you’re going to have to temporarily switch from suggestions to statements.
A statement is a command. It is not something to ponder, per say. When it comes to a parent stating to their young adult that they are officially no longer providing financial support, this is not up for negotiation. This is a stated fact. Again, it may feel unnatural since you have only been making suggestions. If a parent truly wants their kid to launch though, they are going to have to initiate the change.
Education around the difference between helping and enabling will be key. Once that is mastered, then a parent will move on to understanding what it looks like to hold a boundary for a young adult living at home. Often parents think that because their child is over the age of 18 that they can’t get them into treatment, and this is just not true. If your kid is cashing in on the Bank of Mom & Dad for food, housing, car payments, spending money, etc. then you absolutely have the power of persuasion. No young adult goes into treatment excited, that is nearly true for every single young person. But they will go willingly when their means for survival is tapering off.
Whether you have an 18, 28, or 38-year-old living at home and you are finding your suggestions for launching are not being taken seriously, the time to act is now. Do not waste another day sitting and resenting your child for not launching. Hire a professional to help you in helping your adult child launch.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.