Tough Love
Boomers and Generation X do not like the idea of “tough love.” This generalization feels all-too-real right now. Parents who grew up with strict parents are uncomfortable filling their parent’s shoes. They do not like confrontation with their own children. And now, we have a generation (Millennials and Generation Z) who are still living at home or struggling to be independent. Why? I genuinely believe that it is because there was a lack of tough love through childhood.
No, I am not saying parents need to be authoritarian and punitive. What I am recommending, however, is that becoming friends with your kids should not be a priority until they are grown and out of the house. While they are under your roof, they live under your rules. If you do not have rules, you invite chaos. You can make gentle suggestions for your children to leave, and nowhere will a suggestion be taken seriously until a parent becomes firm and direct. Parents need to establish boundaries and abide by them, as do their kids. Without boundaries, your kids will rule the roost. Again, chaos ensues.
If any parent is reading this, know that it is okay to give tough love. I am not recommending you be like this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And yet, you do need to establish yourself in the parent role. If you are not a parent to your children, which includes regulating them, then what are you? And truly, your children want a parent to tell them what to do, whether they say that or not. They do need law & order within the home. They do want to butt heads with you, as you are allowing them to have a voice. Lean into the discomfort of the tough love approach. If you don’t, it could really impact your children.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Not Having a Driver's License
In working with young adults, most of my clients do not have their driver’s license. This has been perplexing to me over the years, as I compare my adolescent years to theirs. The moment I was able to have my learner’s permit and then get my license, I showed up at the door! There was not a moment to lose to be able to drive myself around. My clients on the other hand, seem to be terrified of growing up. Are you seeing this too?
Some have shared with me that there was never a reason since they lived in a big city. There is some understanding to that, but where is the logic in the “what happens when you need to get outside the city?” For some adult children, it is evident to me that their parents were terrified of them driving, so they just agreed to drive them around. At some point though, that chauffeur lost its sheen, and the young adult is now not interested in getting their license. Why bother when I can keep asking my parents to take me around? Lastly, and in line with the second example, this is a young adult who just didn’t want to leave home. Why do I need to get my license? I don’t have to go anywhere. Or better, why get my license? I’ve never been asked to contribute around the house or with my siblings. There are several other reasons someone may opt to not rush to get their driver’s license, but these are the most common reasons I am finding amongst my clients.
Not having your license is a burden, whether you see it that way or not. It is another example of your dependency on others. From the other lens, it is also another reason why parents may be taking care of their kids longer – dependency. It is time to bring back the excitement around getting a driver’s license. And if your adult child isn’t excited, that’s okay too. It’s non-negotiable to be dependent on other people to get your groceries, go to the hospital, or just get anywhere. It is time to grow up, and that requires following through with tasks (i.e. driver’s test) to become independent.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Is College Worth it Anymore?
Right now, I believe that is how most college students are currently feeling. Between the shift to online learning and the adjustments in social and residential environments, there is a rumble that is building. It is what most non-higher education affiliates were saying over the summer, but only now, are the enrolled students finally feeling it: understanding that it is not worth it.
If your college student is considering dropping out, do not force them to stay. Think about this from a mental health and financial standpoint. Will they struggle with depression because of isolation? Will their grades translate to decent grades if they stay? If not, it is not worth it. Mental health will far outweigh the need to “stay the course.” There is a lot of higher education statistics I could drop right now (i.e., percentage of students that matriculate to their sophomore year, and from there the abysmal rates that continue to drop within the 6-year graduation cohort). Realistically, if your kid is struggling right now in any arena related to their college experience, consider adopting this mantra for yourself: it is not worth it.
Now, stop the bus in letting them withdraw without a plan. They absolutely need a plan. Coming home to not be enrolled in classes, not work, and sulk about what they are missing out on sounds like a recipe for a boundary-less disaster. Always have a plan! Know that the need for a college degree and earning one, is not going anywhere. Colleges available for your adult child to attend will mostly remain. They can have a different experience in moving forward with their life - right now, that is worth it.
They need opportunities for life experiences. Options that include actual teaching and community building. If you think colleges campuses were the only place where this was available, you are wrong. Programs and opportunities have stepped up to the challenge providing a safe environment for young adults to grow and thrive, even during the pandemic.
Random quarantining, or back-to-back testing, is exhausting to the developing minds. They agreed to it when they registered for classes, but the reality is that one student may jeopardize an entire dorm. In a non-COVID world, the college experience was everything and more that a young adult craved. Now, with the vision of college not matching up to the reality of their situation, more and more students are over it. And it is not just first-year students either. I think we can anticipate that unless something drastic happens in the next three months, colleges will see an even more significant drop in enrollment for Spring 2021.
I don’t blame them. If I was in college right now, I’d say it wasn’t worth it either.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Bank of Mom & Dad
Right out of the gate I need to make it known - this title could read “Bank of Mom & Mom,” or “Bank of Dad & Dad.” This is not meant to be inclusive to only cisgender, heterosexual parenting units. This is meant to highlight the importance of parents understanding that after their child turns 18, they are not legally responsible to provide for them. What parents give is a gift and is not required. When, as a parenting unit, you are doling out money left and right with no return, or possibility for return, this is when you transition from being a parent to being a bank. There is a lot that parents do that they don’t have to.
To make note, you are paying for all the necessities of your child up until they become a legal adult. That includes food, water, shelter, healthcare, and clothing. Truly, the bare minimum needed for them to survive. Beyond that you may be providing items we view as essential, but we can live without. Items that fall within this category can be a vehicle, car insurance, a cell phone and a cell phone plan, a credit card (“just for emergencies”) and college tuition. They could go to college, or not. But you are most-likely still covering all of their living and partying expenses. This needs to end at some point. At first, you were really helping them launch on their own. At some point though, they realized they didn’t need to work so hard because you would continue to financially provide for them. In which case it transitioned from helping to enabling.
Now if your adult child struggled with mental health or substance abuse, it is important to note that the need to provide extra care will always be there. However, you will realize one day that you are, in fact, enabling and need to stop. If you are giving cash, it be spent at their discretion. You can give them money and say, “this is only to be spent on food,” but unless you are paying the bill directly, there is no guarantee where that money is going. Essentially, you could be funding their drug use. Let that sink in.
Adding up all these expenses and expecting your newly graduated-from-high-school adult child to be able to afford it all is not realistic. You can offer a plan for what you will pay for and how long, and after that point, your adult child is on their own. If you don’t establish that plan, or if you don’t follow through with that plan, it will be hard to ever get your adult child to leave home, or to ever be financially responsible for themselves. You have got to let them know the Bank is officially closed. At that point, you will see some severe emotional reactions that could include shock, rage, disbelief, or desperation. Until you hold that boundary and follow through with truly financially cutting them off, they will continue to milk the tit until the tit is bone dry. Don’t you want to enjoy at least some part of your retirement years?
Now you may be asking, “how the heck do I do this?” To which I would respond, there are a lot of ways this can play out. First, I would recommend hiring a Parent Trainer and Coach. Secondly, you need to hire a professional that will present programmatic options for your young adult so that they can learn to live on their own quickly. Both professionals will be instrumental in helping you gain the confidence in parenting an adult, rather than continue to struggle with having an adult child live in your home.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
The Difference between a Suggestion and a Statement
When a parent contacts me, it is often because they have been making suggestions towards their young adult for years. They have been wanting their kid to grow up without support, and naturally leave the nest on their own. Sometimes those suggestions just are not strong enough.
When we are talking about a suggestion, we are merely putting something out there for another person to ponder. This is an idea for them to think through, and potentially act on. It is passive. When you have a young adult living at home that you are wanting to leave the nest, merely suggesting that your young adult move out may not be enough. If you truly want them to move out, you will need to be a little more direct.
Parents often cringe when I talk to them about being direct. I hear things like:
“If you are talking about a ‘tough love’ approach, it’s definitely not something I’m strong enough to do.”
“That makes me feel uncomfortable with the idea of suggesting homelessness.”
“I don’t want her to hate me.”
“We realize we probably could have been more direct sooner, but it’s been years and we just don’t know if he’ll listen to us.”
There is no judgement. My only rebuttal is that if the suggestions have not been working now, they won’t until the young adult decides to move out their own. That could be in six months, six years, or never. As a parent, if you are ready to be an empty-nester, you’re going to have to temporarily switch from suggestions to statements.
A statement is a command. It is not something to ponder, per say. When it comes to a parent stating to their young adult that they are officially no longer providing financial support, this is not up for negotiation. This is a stated fact. Again, it may feel unnatural since you have only been making suggestions. If a parent truly wants their kid to launch though, they are going to have to initiate the change.
Education around the difference between helping and enabling will be key. Once that is mastered, then a parent will move on to understanding what it looks like to hold a boundary for a young adult living at home. Often parents think that because their child is over the age of 18 that they can’t get them into treatment, and this is just not true. If your kid is cashing in on the Bank of Mom & Dad for food, housing, car payments, spending money, etc. then you absolutely have the power of persuasion. No young adult goes into treatment excited, that is nearly true for every single young person. But they will go willingly when their means for survival is tapering off.
Whether you have an 18, 28, or 38-year-old living at home and you are finding your suggestions for launching are not being taken seriously, the time to act is now. Do not waste another day sitting and resenting your child for not launching. Hire a professional to help you in helping your adult child launch.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.