Helping your Kid avoid a Title IX Allegation

**Trigger warning:  I will be discussing consensual sex and sexual assault.  Please read with caution.

This is not something you think you must talk with your child about before they go off to school, and yet you need too.  Prior to enrolling, they are required to complete an online sexual harassment and assault training.  By completing this, regardless of how engaged they were in watching it, it will be held against them should someone on campus accuse them of sexual harassment or assault.  As a parent, this will be your worst nightmare.  Living in an era of Title IX Coordinators and colleges and universities doing their own investigations to protect their reputation, you do not want to have to deal with this.  And if you did, you’ll wish you’d had this conversation with your child much sooner.

The majority of those accused will be young men.  So, if you have a son heading off to college, this is even more important to discuss.  Consensual sex is not consensual if there is alcohol involved; this can include anything oral.  Period.  For young people who are exited to explore new sexual relationships for the first time while in college, being accused of sexual misconduct is not something that is top-of-mind. If one of the partners wakes up and does not remember consenting, the moment they share that information, the university is investigating your child for sexual assault.  It’s unrealistic to believe that a college student will be abstinent, and as a parent of a college student, this talk needs to be had. 

As a parent, you not only have to talk about consensual sex, you also need to talk about the “what happens if” Campus Police or Student Conduct contacts them for any reason.  There is nothing more intimidating that law enforcement or legal authorities on campus.  In that moment, your young adult needs to not say a word and ask for their lawyer.  Anything they say can be incriminating, regardless of whether they are guilty of anything!  Also, make sure they know not to delete anything. That includes texts, contacts, or any social media content or connection. College disciplinary infractions are not fun to mess with, but it is better to be settled within that system than to deal with the consequences in the criminal justice system.

Anticipate that if your child is accused of anything while on a college campus, especially a Title IX allegation, it will come across as a civil death.  You will need to rally the troops to ensure your child gets the care that they need.  The troops will include an Attorney who understands higher education, a Licensed Mental Health professional who is non-judgmental to someone accused of sexual assault and will keep confidence through the court system, a Therapeutic Placement Consultant who will help you and your child navigate finding a mental health and substance abuse treatment program, and an Educational Consultant prepared to help your child transfer to another school once this case is resolved.  It’s a lot, but it’s better to know these people exist rather than wait until you immediately need them.

To summarize, talk to your kid before they go off to college.  A decision they make while drunk and horny could truly change the course of their life, and your life, forever.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.

The Difference between a Suggestion and a Statement

When a parent contacts me, it is often because they have been making suggestions towards their young adult for years.  They have been wanting their kid to grow up without support, and naturally leave the nest on their own.  Sometimes those suggestions just are not strong enough.

When we are talking about a suggestion, we are merely putting something out there for another person to ponder.  This is an idea for them to think through, and potentially act on.  It is passive.  When you have a young adult living at home that you are wanting to leave the nest, merely suggesting that your young adult move out may not be enough.  If you truly want them to move out, you will need to be a little more direct.

Parents often cringe when I talk to them about being direct.  I hear things like:

“If you are talking about a ‘tough love’ approach, it’s definitely not something I’m strong enough to do.”

“That makes me feel uncomfortable with the idea of suggesting homelessness.”

“I don’t want her to hate me.”

“We realize we probably could have been more direct sooner, but it’s been years and we just don’t know if he’ll listen to us.”

There is no judgement. My only rebuttal is that if the suggestions have not been working now, they won’t until the young adult decides to move out their own.  That could be in six months, six years, or never.  As a parent, if you are ready to be an empty-nester, you’re going to have to temporarily switch from suggestions to statements.

A statement is a command.  It is not something to ponder, per say.  When it comes to a parent stating to their young adult that they are officially no longer providing financial support, this is not up for negotiation.  This is a stated fact.  Again, it may feel unnatural since you have only been making suggestions.  If a parent truly wants their kid to launch though, they are going to have to initiate the change.

Education around the difference between helping and enabling will be key.  Once that is mastered, then a parent will move on to understanding what it looks like to hold a boundary for a young adult living at home.  Often parents think that because their child is over the age of 18 that they can’t get them into treatment, and this is just not true.  If your kid is cashing in on the Bank of Mom & Dad for food, housing, car payments, spending money, etc. then you absolutely have the power of persuasion.  No young adult goes into treatment excited, that is nearly true for every single young person.  But they will go willingly when their means for survival is tapering off.

Whether you have an 18, 28, or 38-year-old living at home and you are finding your suggestions for launching are not being taken seriously, the time to act is now.  Do not waste another day sitting and resenting your child for not launching. Hire a professional to help you in helping your adult child launch.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.