Bank of Mom & Dad

Right out of the gate I need to make it known - this title could read “Bank of Mom & Mom,” or “Bank of Dad & Dad.”  This is not meant to be inclusive to only cisgender, heterosexual parenting units.  This is meant to highlight the importance of parents understanding that after their child turns 18, they are not legally responsible to provide for them.  What parents give is a gift and is not required.  When, as a parenting unit, you are doling out money left and right with no return, or possibility for return, this is when you transition from being a parent to being a bank. There is a lot that parents do that they don’t have to.

To make note, you are paying for all the necessities of your child up until they become a legal adult.  That includes food, water, shelter, healthcare, and clothing.  Truly, the bare minimum needed for them to survive.  Beyond that you may be providing items we view as essential, but we can live without.  Items that fall within this category can be a vehicle, car insurance, a cell phone and a cell phone plan, a credit card (“just for emergencies”) and college tuition. They could go to college, or not. But you are most-likely still covering all of their living and partying expenses. This needs to end at some point. At first, you were really helping them launch on their own. At some point though, they realized they didn’t need to work so hard because you would continue to financially provide for them. In which case it transitioned from helping to enabling.

Now if your adult child struggled with mental health or substance abuse, it is important to note that the need to provide extra care will always be there. However, you will realize one day that you are, in fact, enabling and need to stop. If you are giving cash, it be spent at their discretion.  You can give them money and say, “this is only to be spent on food,” but unless you are paying the bill directly, there is no guarantee where that money is going.  Essentially, you could be funding their drug use.  Let that sink in.

Adding up all these expenses and expecting your newly graduated-from-high-school adult child to be able to afford it all is not realistic.  You can offer a plan for what you will pay for and how long, and after that point, your adult child is on their own.  If you don’t establish that plan, or if you don’t follow through with that plan, it will be hard to ever get your adult child to leave home, or to ever be financially responsible for themselves.  You have got to let them know the Bank is officially closed.  At that point, you will see some severe emotional reactions that could include shock, rage, disbelief, or desperation. Until you hold that boundary and follow through with truly financially cutting them off, they will continue to milk the tit until the tit is bone dry.  Don’t you want to enjoy at least some part of your retirement years?

Now you may be asking, “how the heck do I do this?”  To which I would respond, there are a lot of ways this can play out.  First, I would recommend hiring a Parent Trainer and Coach.  Secondly, you need to hire a professional that will present programmatic options for your young adult so that they can learn to live on their own quickly.  Both professionals will be instrumental in helping you gain the confidence in parenting an adult, rather than continue to struggle with having an adult child live in your home.

For questions or comments contact Joanna.