Is College Worth it Anymore?
Right now, I believe that is how most college students are currently feeling. Between the shift to online learning and the adjustments in social and residential environments, there is a rumble that is building. It is what most non-higher education affiliates were saying over the summer, but only now, are the enrolled students finally feeling it: understanding that it is not worth it.
If your college student is considering dropping out, do not force them to stay. Think about this from a mental health and financial standpoint. Will they struggle with depression because of isolation? Will their grades translate to decent grades if they stay? If not, it is not worth it. Mental health will far outweigh the need to “stay the course.” There is a lot of higher education statistics I could drop right now (i.e., percentage of students that matriculate to their sophomore year, and from there the abysmal rates that continue to drop within the 6-year graduation cohort). Realistically, if your kid is struggling right now in any arena related to their college experience, consider adopting this mantra for yourself: it is not worth it.
Now, stop the bus in letting them withdraw without a plan. They absolutely need a plan. Coming home to not be enrolled in classes, not work, and sulk about what they are missing out on sounds like a recipe for a boundary-less disaster. Always have a plan! Know that the need for a college degree and earning one, is not going anywhere. Colleges available for your adult child to attend will mostly remain. They can have a different experience in moving forward with their life - right now, that is worth it.
They need opportunities for life experiences. Options that include actual teaching and community building. If you think colleges campuses were the only place where this was available, you are wrong. Programs and opportunities have stepped up to the challenge providing a safe environment for young adults to grow and thrive, even during the pandemic.
Random quarantining, or back-to-back testing, is exhausting to the developing minds. They agreed to it when they registered for classes, but the reality is that one student may jeopardize an entire dorm. In a non-COVID world, the college experience was everything and more that a young adult craved. Now, with the vision of college not matching up to the reality of their situation, more and more students are over it. And it is not just first-year students either. I think we can anticipate that unless something drastic happens in the next three months, colleges will see an even more significant drop in enrollment for Spring 2021.
I don’t blame them. If I was in college right now, I’d say it wasn’t worth it either.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Dear Parents: An Expectations Letter about Transitional Programming
Dear Parents:
Congratulations on your young adult making it through a residential level of care! I wanted to share a couple articles that may be a resource to you during [insert your kid’s name] transition to [insert name of extended care/recovery program/sober living].
What to expect after enrolling your young adult in treatment (although this was written more so for the parents enrolling their young adult in a residential level of care, it does still apply for extended care too, especially now that [insert kid’s name] can communicate freely - which can be a good and bad thing).
Treatment is not a Quick Fix (This article speaks to how sometimes growth, transition, work can feel like we aren't making progress, but that's because change truly takes time). Similarly, the idea that "Transition is a Process, not an Event" also applies!
The difference between sobriety and recovery (this is important to talk about since he has attempted "sobriety" before).
The Art of Letting Go: How to be a Parent of Young Adult (You all have done such amazing jobs up until this point! Now that he's at [insert program name], it's important to make sure you're taking care of yourself!)
And most important, Treatment is a fit for the Young Adult, not the Parent (If you aren't getting the communication you want, you can advocate for it. If you don't like the therapist as much as you liked [insert name of wilderness therapist] remember what matters is that it's best for your kid!)
There will be some ups and downs with [insert name of program]. This is how it goes with every program, and every young adult. This is how it typically plays out:
Young adult is on a semi-high from graduating from wilderness/residential and is feeling pretty proud of themselves for this accomplishment
They are excited and slightly scared about their transitional program, even though they picked it
Because wilderness/residential is a fast pace, they anticipate (and parents do too) that young adult transitional programs/recovery programs will have a similar pace (which they don't).
Once the dust settles and they find things they don't love about the program, the young adult and parents can start to have a sour taste in their mouth and then start second-guessing this program being the right fit (often times, I will refer a parent back to all the work they did during wilderness/residential, as that will be key during this time).
You, as a parent, have to be okay with your young adult being uncomfortable at times. That could be because they don't get along swimmingly with their roommate, or they won't be able to sign up for classes for a couple weeks, or the people around them are new to them and they haven't made friends fast enough, etc. This is a great life lesson in reflecting it back on [your kid’s name] to learn to deal with his discomfort and advocate for himself. As long as he knows this is the place he picked and it was his choice and you wouldn't be bringing him home, he'll eventually start chugging along with the programming and really find a place for himself within the community and within the broader [insert city where program is located] area.
The first 5+ weeks tend to be the rockiest. This is usually when the dust settles for the young adult and their choice. If they view it as "being in a program" and struggle stepping out of that perspective, then it will be more painful. If they can look beyond that to seeing being in the program as a launching point to truly get out on their own, it can end up being the best place.
There will be ups and downs throughout the entire length of stay. This is also normal, as it replicates what life is like. There will be great days, and other days will be not-so-great. Now is the opportunity for you to also learn to allow [insert your kid’s name] to shift his relationship with you as being adult-to-adult (or as much as possible like this!), and more of a partner in him growing up, rather than being a parent responsible for their child. Hopefully that makes sense.
Let me know if you have any questions. I will continue to be in touch with [insert name of program] staff while [insert your kid’s name] gets settled. In the near future, I'll reach out to [insert your kid’s name] directly. Any of you can reach out to me at any time!
Be well,
Joanna
Helping your Kid avoid a Title IX Allegation
**Trigger warning: I will be discussing consensual sex and sexual assault. Please read with caution.
This is not something you think you must talk with your child about before they go off to school, and yet you need too. Prior to enrolling, they are required to complete an online sexual harassment and assault training. By completing this, regardless of how engaged they were in watching it, it will be held against them should someone on campus accuse them of sexual harassment or assault. As a parent, this will be your worst nightmare. Living in an era of Title IX Coordinators and colleges and universities doing their own investigations to protect their reputation, you do not want to have to deal with this. And if you did, you’ll wish you’d had this conversation with your child much sooner.
The majority of those accused will be young men. So, if you have a son heading off to college, this is even more important to discuss. Consensual sex is not consensual if there is alcohol involved; this can include anything oral. Period. For young people who are exited to explore new sexual relationships for the first time while in college, being accused of sexual misconduct is not something that is top-of-mind. If one of the partners wakes up and does not remember consenting, the moment they share that information, the university is investigating your child for sexual assault. It’s unrealistic to believe that a college student will be abstinent, and as a parent of a college student, this talk needs to be had.
As a parent, you not only have to talk about consensual sex, you also need to talk about the “what happens if” Campus Police or Student Conduct contacts them for any reason. There is nothing more intimidating that law enforcement or legal authorities on campus. In that moment, your young adult needs to not say a word and ask for their lawyer. Anything they say can be incriminating, regardless of whether they are guilty of anything! Also, make sure they know not to delete anything. That includes texts, contacts, or any social media content or connection. College disciplinary infractions are not fun to mess with, but it is better to be settled within that system than to deal with the consequences in the criminal justice system.
Anticipate that if your child is accused of anything while on a college campus, especially a Title IX allegation, it will come across as a civil death. You will need to rally the troops to ensure your child gets the care that they need. The troops will include an Attorney who understands higher education, a Licensed Mental Health professional who is non-judgmental to someone accused of sexual assault and will keep confidence through the court system, a Therapeutic Placement Consultant who will help you and your child navigate finding a mental health and substance abuse treatment program, and an Educational Consultant prepared to help your child transfer to another school once this case is resolved. It’s a lot, but it’s better to know these people exist rather than wait until you immediately need them.
To summarize, talk to your kid before they go off to college. A decision they make while drunk and horny could truly change the course of their life, and your life, forever.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.