Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child
We are all guilty of doing this. Providing a clearer path for our loved ones. Parents of Generation Z take the cake for this though. They are not helicopter parents; they are the curling parents. If you did not watch the last Winter Olympics, you need to check this sport out.
The premise is that one teammate throws the stone aiming for the bullseye, while the other teammates are cleaning the path in front of the stone to get it to the bullseye. They are removing all pieces of dirt that will redirect the stone away from the bullseye. To translate in today’s world, if a parenting unit believed that their child needed to go to Princeton for [insert name of any understand degree], then Princeton is the bullseye. The stone is their child getting to Princeton. They will work up a sweat feverishly clearing the path for the stone (their child) to get to the bullseye (Princeton) unscathed. The problem with this though is that their child will not be successful once they get to Princeton. That is nearly a guarantee.
You see, the entire path to get to the destination was spent barrier-free for this young person. Their parents managed to rid them from every losing sight of that bullseye, and the parents did everything to ensure their child got there. What happens when they get to Princeton and experience failures when they are there? Whether that is earning a C in a class for the first time, or just not making best friends for life within the first few weeks of school like they had anticipated. What then? Will the parents come back in to help clear the path? If yes, you are continuing to set your adult child up for failure, and worse, they will not be able to rebound because they do not have the resiliency skills to overcome even the tiniest of obstacles.
We need to let Generation Z experience failures while they are still in the home and can safely learn to bounce back. If you wait until they are in college without the safety net, the fall is much deeper and harder to climb out of. Plus, they do not appreciate the efforts put in when the parents are doing all the work. Why not switch places with your child for a bit. Let them hustle to clearing their own path. Maybe it will make them appreciate the bullseye even more.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
*There is not knock against Princeton in this article. You can replace the name of that school with any other prestigious university that a parent cares about their child going to.
Top 10 Things a Parent Does that is Enabling
Often times parents believe they are helping their adult child. The truth is, they are more likely enabling them without realizing it. If you aren’t sure the difference between helping and enabling, you will definitely want to educate yourself. Once you are aware of the difference, you may have a very different opinion of the examples below. Here’s just a few that I often hear with the families I work with:
Giving your adult child an allowance.
Paid for education more than one time, which is particularly important if they are not successful academically every attempt.
Completed homework or a project for your young adult because you knew it was due, they weren’t going to finish it before the deadline, and you wanted to ensure they completed it.
You pay for cell phone bill, car insurance, car payments, health insurance, rent, utilities, etc.
You wake up or call to wake up your child because you know if you didn’t they wouldn’t get out of bed and would lose their job.
You’ve had it with your kid and threatened to kick them out, but then never followed through with it.
You have bailed them out of jail, paid for legal fees, more than once?
You accept full accountability for your child’s addictions, struggles, or failures.
You avoid confronting your child about their issues because you are afraid of how they will respond.
Your marriage is strained because of how you both are approaching dealing with your dysfunctional adult child.
In reading this list, if you find that you are doing several of these things for your adult child, it may be time to re-evaluate. When did this start? How long has this been going on? What was a catalyst for providing this support? Has it impacted you negatively ever? Has your young adult expressed gratitude for whatever it is you are doing for them? Do you wish you could break the cycle? If yes, there is help available to you.
Although it may be a shock to your adult child for you to stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing, the reality is they are capable of doing it themselves. Let us use the allowance as an example. Are you giving them spending money because they do not have any? Why do they not have money? Is it because they do not have a job? Or are they telling you they aren’t making enough to pay bills and asking you to give them money to help cover them? If yes, are you paying the bills directly or just giving them cash to use at their discretion? There’s a lot of room for enabling within this scenario.
If you find that you do several of the above for your adult child, the time to stop may be now. If you need help, hire a Therapeutic Consultant to help you. By reaching out they can help you in learning to hold boundaries and no longer enable your young adult, and also be available to help find therapeutic resources when it becomes evident that your young adult is not handling the adjustment well.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Removing the safety net
Generation Z has a very large safety net. A net so large that is extending far beyond an 18th birthday. Unless that safety net is removed, we will not know whether they can thrive, let alone survive, on there one. Time to test the theory!
When a young person realizes that their safety net is no longer there, they learn quickly to either sink or swim. Although I wish it were this dichotomous, it is not. They may appear to be able to immediately swim presenting as doing well, and then start to sink over time. Or they could immediately sink to the bottom, look around to lean on their resources, and promptly learn to swim. Better yet, a combination of both examples.
Another example could be of a baby bird. No bird is flawless in their first flight out of the nest. You must first learn to take the leap out of the nest, and once you are in the air you’ll figure it out quickly or find yourself bruised and laying on the ground, dazed. It takes time to appear graceful. It will take practice to fly with ease. This is exactly how life is. There are times when you want to learn to fly, and it will not be easy. Once you get the hang of it though, you catch yourself in a mindful moment and realize that its effortless to thrive.
This is not the case for everyone. Again, Generation Z is really struggling with thriving because they do not even know how to survive on their own. It is time as a society, and family unit, we removed the safety net and opted to not rescue them as they hit a few branches along the way through life. Until we remove that safety net, we will never know what they are truly capable of. Isn’t it time we found out?
Lastly, if after removing the safety net your adult child is clinging to you for dear life and they will not let go, it is time you hired a professional to help. Someone that will be gentle in peeling back one finger at a time from their grasp on you as their parent. Once they find their people and feel supported, they will be comfortable letting go. A lot of Generation Z is requiring this level of assistance. It is not uncommon. Reach out now!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Rules without Consequences
The fastest way to have your adult child not take you seriously is to have rules in the house with no consequences. As a parent, if you are allowing your young adult to graciously live at home with you, you have every right to lay down rules. The issue with preserving and protecting your sanity is that in having the rules, if your adult child is not respecting them or abiding by them, you can absolutely ask them to leave. Goodbye!
Here are some examples of rules parents can make if they have an adult child still living at home:
If you live here, you must pay 1/3 of your monthly income towards “rent.” If your income is inconsistent, we will review your pay stubs at the end of every month to share that month’s rent.
No drug use in this house of any kind
No visitors when we are not home
We will feed you, however you must always do your own dishes.
No one will do your laundry for you. If you do your laundry and leave it in the wash or dryer for more than 1 hour after the cycle ends, we will remove your clothes and still them back in a dirty hamper.
You can have your dog in our house. You are solely responsible for all things of your pet (feeding, walking, playing, vet visits, etc.), which also includes any cost for damages done by your pet.
These are only rules. What happens if your adult child breaks them? How much are you willing to tolerate before you lose it?
Parents can be as long-winded with rules as they want. Again, it is your house! Whatever you do though, do not back down. If your adult child challenges your rules, tell them they can leave. The rules are non-negotiable. Think of caving on rules as water rising and breaking a dam. Once the dam is broken, that water is running wild and free! If you do not hold your ground and keep the water at bay, you will be dealing with some serious carnage post-flood. Basically, once your adult child stops taking you seriously, anything you say with a hint of authority is completely dismissed. They see right through you. You are not actually going to hold their feet to the hire. They rule the home and they will do whatever they like, whenever like, regardless of what you say and how it makes your feel.
I will say that it is a lot harder to do, than it is just to talk about it. If you need a professional to help you in holding those boundaries, reach out. If you need a Therapeutic Consultant to help you find appropriate resources for your adult child to launch out of the house and learn to respect you, then do not wait any longer! If you are feeling powerless in your own home, get connected to get your power back. After all, it’s your house and you need to feel comfortable and not a prisoner in your own place.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Ten Questions to Ask a Drug Rehab Program
Within the last six months I have been contacted by parents of two different young adult men who were being body brokered without realizing it. Both sets of parents, terrified for their adult child and simultaneously concerned about the behavior of the program to which they were paying for treatment, reached out asking for guidance. For any family out there not working with a Therapeutic Consultant on the front end to help ensure you enroll in an ethical treatment program, here are the top ten questions you need to be asking to ensure you do not find yourself in an addiction treatment scam:
Who owns the program?
If they tell you it is owned by a shell company based out-of-state, run. This is not a treatment program; this is a money-making business.
Who created and maintains the website?
If the content were created by someone who is never set foot property of the facility, I would be very cautious. Programs will put on their sites what we consider “click bate.” When you go to Google and search “drug rehab for son” their website may pop-up, regardless of whether it’s a good fit. Also, make note of the pictures of staff, or lack thereof. A website with no pictures of staff is a huge red flag.
Where do most of your clients come from?
Write down the places they say. Follow through in doing research on those places as well. Also ask if they give those referents/placements a referral fee if a client enrolls with them. If they say yes, hang up immediately. Any program that pays for referrals is not following any ethical guidelines.
Is your program licensed and/or accredited? If yes, by which accrediting body?
Options could be CARF or Joint Commission (JCAHO), or licensed by their state as a residential treatment program. If they have no licensing or accreditation, be extremely weary! This extra step, although some programs do not see it as useful shows the rest of the world that they do value the standards from their accreditation.
What is the average length of stay for residents?
If they say 4-6 weeks, be careful. Research is out now to show that 90-day residential treatment is where you will find not just sobriety but recovery. Programs that still fall under the 28-day insurance window aren’t focused on your adult child’s long-term care; they are just going with the timeline that your insurance plan dictates. In case you do not know this, insurance is not going to like paying for treatment and will try to get out of it as quickly as possible. Even when they have zero idea what is clinically appropriate for your child.
What happens if my insurance stops paying for treatment?
If they program says, well our rate is $500/day and you will then have to discharge by the end of the week, reconsider enrolling your kid in this program. If they are willing to take the loss if your insurance doesn’t cover the full length of stay, they initially thought would be covered, this is program worth speaking with. Any program who asks a client to leave after then only just enrolled because their insurance is not authorizing payment, this is a huge red flag.
Where are clients referred to when they step down?
If they say, “they all step down to our IOP and then enroll in [insert name of Sober Living],” ask who owns the sober living. If it’s owned by the same owner as the residential program, ask more questions. Ask where the owner lives. If they are out-of-state from this program, walk away.
Who recommends the step-down options?
If they respond in saying “Our therapist only,” make note. Recommendations for step-down is always a collaborative process. If they program will not include you in the process, especially since you’d be the one footing the bill, be very careful! If after knowing they tend to recommend clients straight from residential to a sober living (refer to question 7), this is skipping a lot of the clinical continuum. As a family, you need to be a part of this decision making. If they will not loop you in, this is grounds for investigating the motivation behind their recommendations (fraudulent activity).
Has your program ever been reported for insurance fraud?
If they answer yes, thank them for their time and let them know you will not be referring your loved one to them. Move on and make note that you dodged a serious bullet! If they feel uncomfortable and will not answer, make note, and still walk away! If they say something coy like “I don’t believe so,” then tell them you would love to speak with the Owner to learn more. If they will not let you do that, again, walk away.
If I were to Google your program, what would I discover?
Feel free to do this before you ever call them to begin with. If all their reviews online are 5-stars, ask if those folks were paid. If there is an article on page 7 of Google that details a death in the program, even if it was years ago, ask about it! If they minimize the story, if they are defensive, or if they cannot speak to programmatic changes since then, move along. Anything online can only be accepted with a grain of salt.
Trust your gut, but also know that if you feel overwhelmed you need to hire a professional to help you navigate this. It can be a very terrifying experience of thinking you are enrolling your loved one in an ethical program only to have communication cut off as soon as they enroll. Be conservation. Be cautious. And ask all the questions!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Not Upholding Boundaries with your Adult Child
If you are not sure how to set boundaries to begin with, that would be a good place to start. You must understand how to set boundaries and understand why boundaries are necessary before jumping into learning the “what not to do.” Creating a plan is one thing but sticking to it is an entirely different animal.
When encouraged to create in writing a business contract-like document covering all the things that you will hold your adult child to, it does not come natural for parents. It feels punitive. It feels authoritarian. It feels unnatural. And, as a parent unless you want your adult child living with you for the rest of your life, you will need to lean into that discomfort for yourself and start to hold these boundaries. When a parent starts to falter, their young adult will be there to slip through the cracks of these boundaries.
Here are some examples of what faulting from a set boundary looks like:
Give them leniency when they don’t pay rent and/or are late for rent
Do their grocery shopping, cook for them, and clean up after meals for them
Do their laundry for them
Clean their room for them, including bed sheets, trash, and any food trash
Allow them to continue to live in your home if they are demanding, rude, ungrateful, and verbally/physically aggressive
Give them an allowance; especially if you know they are using it to purchase drugs or alcohol
Find them a place to live
Cosign a lease or mortgage
Help them pack
Set up and decorate their new living situation
Help them find, apply, and interview for jobs
Make excuses for them and defend them when they are misbehaving, or not launching
Negotiate, bargain, or argue – about anything
What you definitely do not want to do: Allow them to return to your home at any time if things don’t work out
Once you slide on one boundary, your adult child will stop taking you seriously. You have created rules for them to follow without any consequence if they aren’t followed.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Setting Boundaries with Adult Children
If you are letting your adult child live at home, you need to set boundaries. Boundaries are not meant to be bent or dismissed. If they are, it opens a space for miscommunication, resentment, anger, frustration, and depression. A family could be establishing boundaries for a recently-graduated-from-high-school student, or for your college student who has decided to take a break from school. Regardless, boundaries need to be in-depth, all-inclusive, co-created, and followed to a tee.
View the setting of boundaries as you would a business contract. Parents need to remember that once their child turns 18 they are not legally required to care for them any longer. Anything a parent does for their young adult after the age of 18, is a gift. That adult child is not entitled to anything from their parents. Not buying a car, paying for college tuition, or buying a house. Not a thing! Remember this, parents.
When setting boundaries, you will want to create a document that will cover all of the following topics:
Rent amount and due date
Expectations around grocery shopping, cooking, and dishes
Additional required tasks around the house (taking out trash, cleaning bathroom, driving sibling to school, etc.)
Bedroom/house cleaning and timeline
Personal Laundry responsibilities
Work/school commitments
Creating a weekly schedule, including getting up in the mornings
Communication and respectful behavior/language to all family members
Expectations for overnight guests
Weekday and Weeknight Curfew
Drug and alcohol use – zero tolerance or acceptance
Most importantly: Exit strategy and date of moving out
In creating this, the exit strategy and date of moving out is the end goal. However, if your adult child does not follow through with any of the other boundaries, you will need to create a contingency plan. This is an “If… , then … “-type situation. Have this in writing. Have your adult child agree to it, even if it is begrudgingly. Everyone involved in creating this will need to sign it. Make it official! Remember, they are an adult. If they want to be treated like an adult, they will need to acknowledge that living at home is a privilege, not an entitlement. Take back your house, parents! Consider this the adult child eviction process.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Five Ways to Stop Enabling
When you are aware of the difference between helping and enabling, and you identify that you are in fact enabling, you need to act now. Now that you are what you have been doing is enabling, you must stop this cycle. Your adult child needs to finally launch on their own. We will learn quickly whether sink or swim. Regardless, you are no longer responsible for how they do. It is now on your adult child to figure it all out!
Everything is easier said than done. If you have been enabling for your young adult for a long time, it will take some adjustments for you to fully stop. This will feel uncomfortable, unnatural, and sometimes downright painful. In the end, it will help you and it will help your adult child. Here are five ways to go about cutting off enabling behaviors:
The only thing you will “give” to your adult child is your love; no money, no assistance, nothing else. If you have been shelling out cash for years, it’s important for your young adult to learn that they must live on their own means. If they cannot afford their lifestyle, they have to make their own adjustments. Like, getting a second job if that’s what is necessary. You do not give them money for any reason, whether you want to give it or they ask. The Bank of Mom and Dad is officially closed.
You will put your own oxygen mask on first. If you’ve never flown a plane, this analogy will be lost on you. If you have flown a plane, this might make a lot of sense. Parents often rush in to save their children when trouble is brewing. Often, they forget to breath first. They emotionally react, and quickly. In order to stop enabling, when you have your oxygen mask on first you will notice whether or not you need to step in to help your child.
You will not accept excuses. You’ve probably already heard it all. You desperately want to believe them, but in your gut you know they are lying. Step away from being emotional as a parent right now, and pretend you are not a family member for a minute. How would someone else respond to what it is they are telling you? Would they cut your child some slack? Would they accept their excuses? Chances are, they would not. Do not accept any excuses.
You will remain consistent and firm with holding all boundaries you set. If you said they needed to pay rent by a specific date each month and they keep forgetting, they are out. If you were a landlord and not their parent, they would be charged a late fee and then evicted. Do not let your adult child take advantage of you. You have given them 18+ years of guaranteed love and security. Beyond their 18th birthday, everything you do for them is a gift. They are not entitled to you giving them a car, paying for college tuition, providing a roof over their head and food to eat on your dime while they play video games. Hold your boundary and let them know they have got to go.
You will focus on the things you are grateful for that are in your control. Tough love is really hard for parents to embrace. A lot of parents I work with cringe at the idea of holding a boundary, or they fear their adult child will hate them forever. That is the furthest from the truth of what ends up happening. Grudges fade and it is replaced with appreciation once they are able to fully grasp everything you were doing for them. In order to focus on the positive, find a support group, therapist, lean on your partner, go on vacation, read some books, get a massage, etc. Take care of you, and be grateful for your own strength in finally cutting off the umbilical cord of your adult child.
This won’t be easy. You need to know you are not alone. As the parent of an adult child, you have every right to prioritize your own life. If you follow these steps, you will feel healthier and happier in no time. And most importantly for you as a parent, your adult child will learn to be healthier and happier on their own as well!
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
The Difference between Helping and Enabling
As a parent if you do not know what the difference is, let us go ahead and learn. It is okay to not know immediately what the difference is. If you are of the mindset that they are synonymous though, we do need to debunk that notion. They are very different. One is coming from a place of kindness, the other is driven by impatience or a need to avoid discomfort. According to Dictionary.com:
Helping is giving aid, assistance, support, or the like. It is important to note that to help someone, you are offering something that they may not be able to do themselves.
Enabling is the act of making something possible or easy. It is important to note this is the act of doing something for someone that they could do for themselves.
Often, I work with parents who strongly believe what they are doing for their young adult is merely helping. They are doing tasks for their young adult that their child could absolutely do for themselves. Some examples of enabling could be:
Helping them finish assignments (in high school or college)
Waking them up every morning, not matter how old they are
Emailing their Professors to advocate for an extension and/or challenge a grade
Driving them to all appointments; ones that you also helped to schedule
Doing their laundry, feeding them, reminding them to shower, etc.
Trying to find friends for them to hang out with; this also includes trying to find someone for them to date
Asking around for who the best car repair shop is in town when their vehicle needs fixing
Job searching and contacting potential employers on their behalf
Paying for their cell phone bill, car insurance, college tuition, car payments, haircuts, entrance to Greek Life parties, fully outfitting a college residence hall, all-expenses paid spring break in Cabo, etc.
These are just to name a few. Maybe parents think that showing love for their adult children looks like helping to solve their problems for them. That only cuts off their feet under them. We wonder why they are depressed; well it could be because they are dependent on their parents to do everything. According to Allison Bottke from Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children,
“Enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.” (p. 29)
This is not healthy for anyone. Not that you understand the difference between helping and enabling, it is important to shift to letting your adult child take care of things on their own. You could be afraid that he will not get out of bed if you do not wake him up. Let that happen in his own home. He will learn to get up for himself, otherwise he will lose his job, be unable to pay rent, and end up homeless. That is a motivator to wake up on your own in the morning. If he does end up homeless, you cannot swoop in to save him. He will need to learn this lesson of self-reliance on his own.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.
Smoke & Mirrors in Addiction Treatment
This is a bad trap that parents will get caught in when they go to Google to look for treatment programs for their loved one. These are the programs that when called, they will tell you everything you want to hear:
“Yes, your child sounds like a great fit for our current milieu!”
“Yes, we have space immediately.”
“Yes, we are in-network with your insurance.”
But then you will find out quickly that the wool was pulled over your eyes. Once your loved one enrolls in that program, your gut is telling you it is a sham. And a very expensive sham it will be, especially if 10 days in they kick your kid out because insurance won’t cover their stay any longer.
Parents and families do not know that Therapeutic Consultants exist unless they are lucky enough to get a referral from a local therapist or another parent who worked with one. It is not typically until a family already locked into said-shady treatment program and learn about this world that they wish they’d found one of us sooner. In fact, I hear that expression more often than I can count.
“Gosh, I really wish I’d known you existed earlier.”
We would have directed a family to an ethical treatment program. We would have saved them money by ensuring that the program their loved one enrolled in was the right fit. We would have saved a headache, heartache, and provided serious stress relief throughout this very stressful time.
Nothing is ever certain, however, going to Google to find a treatment program is almost certain in that “what you see, is not what you get.” If a family wants to be sure of where they are sending their loved one, hire a Therapeutic Consultant. Do not believe what you hear on the phone. Do not believe what you read or see on the internet, including online reviews. The only way to ensure a family is not lured into an unethical treatment smoke-and-mirrors-situation is to bring a Consultant onboard.
For questions or comments contact Joanna.